Journey of a Dream

1. On the eve of the Chinese New Year, I went back to UM to look for journal articles. SO unlike me but it was fun. It made me think that I'm smart.

2. I got cheated twice this week. McD waiter gave me the set without the Coke. Starbucks barista charged me mocha when I had cappucino. I realised that when I look at the receipt when I got home. Should be more careful next time. My absentmindedness is not helping.

3. I misplaced my Student ID in the car. I was worried sick and was hoping that no one would borrow my card to borrow loads of book. Thank God I found it in Dad's car.

4. My cute and fuzzy Oreo is here again. I love the sight of him sleeping in that red sailor suit. So so cute!!! What would I do without Oreo? I pray that he live 10 more yrs and I am satisfied. Hehe...

5. I watched almost every available movie at the cinemas: Dreamgirls, Protege, Twin's Mission, Music & lyrics, Ghostrider, Last Kiss, The Holiday, Norbit. Not too bad rite?

Fear has got a way to grip you off your joy. As age catches up, I realise I am not much a risk taker than I used to be. I remember catching bus late at night after gym, the bus stop was empty and it didn't worry me a bit. Now, I am worried if anyone will snatch my stuff even when someone, a big macho guy, is walking me to the bus stop.

I used to drive a lot with my Kancil. Now I drive much less. One reason is the petrol that my dear Wira so like to consume, the other reason being afraid that I might get into another crash. How many times do I have to explain that it was not my fault? It didn't really concince some people though. To save myself the risk of an accident, many times I choose not to drive, even it meant I lose my convenience. I tried to talk myself that it won't happen again, but I am still miserably gripped by fear. Being able to drive again itself is a breakthrough.

As the "readership" to my blog increases, there is a greater pressure to write things that my readers would be interested to know. I want my readers to always enjoy my writings, and at the same time I want to blog about my daily life, in which most people would not be interested because it is too mundane, so i only blog when there is a lot of ideas storing in my brain. At times, I don't want to write too much personal stuff. At other times, I don't want to be accused a narcissist.

I am afraid to be seen at certain places. I wish I can cover my face with a shawl. But it is then I look at my best. So why shy away?

If I like a guy, most likely I will let it slip if the guy doesn't do anything. I am not one that goes to approach the guy. Had it been me years ago, I would probably confront the guy if I sense a bit of chemistry between us. I used to take risks like that. Not anymore for the fear of being rejected and I always believe the first move is from the guy.

So what is next? I really gotta evaluate the fear element in my life. If this persists, it is going to rip me of a faith future. I need this day where I can say I can fall, cos God is catching from behind.

Grace exclaimed, "Do you know Abel? He is my boyfriend.." As a Sunday School teacher to a 5 yr old girl, I thought Abel was another 5 yr old kid from her school. Little did I know, it was the famous Abel that we all know - the worship leader in the church. I only found that out when Abel came, and Grace immediately ran to him and slattered his face with kisses. The two others, Adreanna and Ashley followed. They thronged to him for some time, and I was startled with amazement.

Puppy love.. another word we used say in school was crush. Grace is not the only one who's guilty of that. I had mine too. I remember leaning on my "first boyfriend's" shoulder at kindergarten. I can't remember his name, but one day, we had an argument. That was the end of our "relationship". One day, he peed on his pants and the whole class knew. The devillish me laughed on the inside. Then cute and sweet but short Joseph came along. Of course, we lost contact after that. I was in a girl school ever since.

Boys and I since then were enemies. At my babysitter's house, I was constantly afraid of an older boy who bullied me. He made me sit in Buddha position for hours every day and threatened to punish me if I moved an inch. One day, I saw his asset because he did not bother to wear underwear at the age of 10. I was like, "Gosh, what a view. Give me a break".

My church had a ministry called the Royal Rangers and I just followed along. One day, we had to test our survival skills by ligthing a flame using the "A frame". I collected dried twigs and was all set to light the flame, when a boy came and took my twigs away. I was fuming mad. Guess what? What a fine young man he turn out to be today..

When I was 12, I suddenly had this weird feelings about boys that made me tingle with excitement. Later on, I found out that it was crush. Royal Rangers organized an annual camp at some campsite, and there's where I met Kevin. I was really shy then and dared not talk to him. It was until a few years later that I gathered enough guts to talk to him. I must have blushed. As he was from a nearby school, I saw him in a few occasions during Christian Fellowshio meetings. We kept contact for a while but later on I found out he moved to US. So much for a teenage crush.

For the first time in 4 years, Jolene, Shanthinee and I are back again to celebrate new year. It was at Finnegans Sri Hartamas, if I remember correctly. This time we celebrated it underground without much noise of celebration like fireworks being heard. We also had the company of Siew Lee and some others, and we certainly had fun. With Christmas and New Year, it almost led me to have illusion that I would be able to celebrate like this every week. A dream will always be a dream. Hope for another festival to arrive, Chinese New Year maybe? Almost every year I celebrate festivals the same way and it made me to think that I haven't achieve much. It's like a yearly routine. Take CNY for example. On eve, everyone will come to my house to have reunion dinner. Almost approaching mid night, my family would be out at the mamak for the countdown. Next day, my bros and I would wake up late and my mum would be cooking in the kitchen. When we wake up, we would drink our yearly Milo drink dibancuh in a container. About 12 something, my relatives would come and have lunch together. Then we would go visitting the same houses every year. Even the sequence is the same. Then on the 2nd day of CNY, another bunch of relatives would arrive to have lunch and then they would leave the same time. The cycle goes on and on every year. For a very long long time, there were no arrival of newly weds in my extended family, Oh, I almost forgot, my cousin brought her baby girl last year. So much of anticipation..

People are excited about new year because it represents new hope and new resolutions. For me, a new semester started last week and there were many glitches that I encountered that caused me to skip a lot of classes. There were registration and credit hours problems and thank God it is now all settled. One of the things that I want to do is to minimize skipping classes and be as effective as possible. Afterall, it's the last semester of my final year and I might as well give it a best shot. And did I say I have got no classes on Fridays? For the first half, my Wednesdays are free too. I can tell it's a good semester ahead. And Yee Lin tirelessly offer me her room when I have intervals in between classes. Just for me to lie there and sleep. How nice of her.

In the past, I tried to avoid politics among my coursemates but it seems this time, I am just bound to be in it. There are gossips and it is impossible to rub on everybody's back. Either way, there will be a lot of backstabbing. Actually I don't give a damn about all these. But standing on the fence is no better. I hope I won't be forced to side anyone.

Yet another Christmas had passed. For the first time in 3 years, I celebrated Christmas in a church service. The candles that all of us lit up were so pretty!! This year I didn't get to celerate with Siew Lee like how we had last year. But it's ok. Still manage to catch up with my Form 6 friends. After service, Nickey, Yee Lin, Theen Kin and I went to do last minute shopping at Pyramid. Towards the end, I was dead tired as the night before I stayed up late to write personal messages, so we went to Starbucks!! This time I collected enough stickers to get the planner(the barista gave me extra stickers). So I was beaming with joy as I held it close to my chest. Sadly, it is now gone again. Hopefully I will get a new one tomorrow. This year, I spent a lot of money on gifts. However, there were still not enough gifts to go with. In the end, I gave away some of the gifts that I received. It's not being insincere. In fact it was hard to part with my gifts, but it's always good to give.


Ally - A pretty bracelet
Yee Lin - Christmas candy and chocolates
Eng Kim - A bar of soap
Nickey - A magnet with my name on it
Alan - Famous Amos cookies with a bear
Lee Lian - a sleeveless top
Bros - cash
Calvin - a card all the way from Kuantan
Ivan - a cute candlestand

Siew Lian and Siew Lee wrote something about friendship, and like her, that word just keeps popping on my head. Sometimes I just feel down right lonely, even though I have many friends. And among the big pool of friends that I have, there are few that stand out among the rest. I have a fear that I will lose them along the way. Because all my life, that is what happened and it is inevitable that it will keep on happening. I admit that I am not the nicest person to be with. Sometimes I talk to much, sometimes I am sarcastic, sometimes I am moody, sometimes I expect too much. It takes so much time to get acquinted with someone, and harder to keep the friendship, but it only takes a tiny misunderstanding and a little can't - be - bothered attitude to lose a person. A few years back, I was very much a task oriented person. I was more interested in finishing the job and I didn't care about other people. But I realize that life is really about relationship. About people. Just imagine your career is booming, you have got nice car and nice clothes, everything else is perfect...except that you have got no family, no friends, nobody to share your life with. Most of us won't give a thought on this because we often take people around us for granted. So here, I want to thank my friends who make my life in small and great ways. And the apreciation goes to:

• My coursemates; particularly to Karen and Sau Han. When I first came to uni, I thought I would be alone for the next 3 years as the result of language barrier. But it did not.. things started to improve in second year. Our friendship flourished beyond simbiosis and beyond the gates of uni. I love to hang out at Starbucks with you guys!!
• Siew Lee - Thank you so much for listening to my daily ramblings. When things go bad, I know it can't go too bad... because you are always there to listen and I am not alone to go through it. Think about it, we have known each other for almost 10 years. How many people who were friends with you 10 yrs ago is still your friend today?
• Steph - The one thing that we have in common is our liking in dogs. Especially a dog by the name of Oreo. One year, she bought me a cute bear wearing glasses as Christmas gift and I can still remember until today, cos up to then, I hardly receive cuddly stuff as gifts. Another year, she gave me a "moon" that says "to a person with a heart of gold". She is the one with a heart of gold
• Alan - I just love this guy and distance never seem to be a barrier to our friendship. He's got a huge heart and I never regret doing LI there cos that is how I met Alan. He is ever helpful and ready. When I had hemorrhage, he took me to the hospital and waited for hours. He knew I had no money, yet he took me out to the most expensive entertainemnt in KL just to cheer me up
• Nickey - This guy and I are so familiar with each other and it is a normal thing to pick up his call at the middle of the night. We always have this peer talk and our mamaking sessions can end quite late. When he anounced that he was going to stay back in JB, my heart almost dropped! For different visions sake, I gotta let him go.
• Jolene - Our friendship could be traced back to Form 6. At first I felt doomed because by then, my group of friends were at colleges and I was stuck at La Salle PJ alone. Going to school was not a dread with Jolene around. She always had ways to entertain me and school was never boring with her around. So in the end, it was good 2 years. Never underestimate the things that she can do. She still surprises me until today.
• Yee Lin - What more do I have to say about this girl? She is a famous figure in my family now. She's soft and approachable, and very the senang dibuli. OK la I where got that cruel to bully her. Have to sayang her otherwise I'll be chased