Journey of a Dream

What am I doing at 12am in the morning? I just have too many thoughts.

1. I am still thinking about Chow Chow and MC. If the story is true, I really admire Chow Chow and MC for sharing their life to the point of death. Unfortunately it only happens in dramas cos in real life...

2... people might not even want to listen when you want to share your heart out cos ppl simply don't care such that I have shed a few tears or two that....

3... I can't wait to pack my bags and leave for Abu Dhabi. LK officially invited me today. I want to bathe in the mud of Dead Sea and if I am constantly unhappy, I rather be unhappily rich than be unhappily poor for...

4... at least when I am unhappily rich, I can indulge in shopping therapy that always make me feel better. I don't have to decide whether I want a High Sierra backpack or a Samsonite luggage cos I can have both which reminds me...

5... that there are better times ahead; such as my much awaited Hong Kong trip in Jan and Bali trip in Jul and probably a Dubai and Abu Dhabi trip in Dec, which by then, I hope I can secure a job in some cari gali petroliam company which makes me bucket- loads- of- money rich...

6... which comes with a price, which is to be tanned till I get that hitam manis look which LK said I can bathe in a bathtub of SKII to make my skin fair again...

7...so rich that I can bring Mum and Dad to migrate there (if they do not mind the culture differences). I want to sponsor my girlfriends to come here every year. When SL is so sick of her patients she can come and recuperate and when Jol is tired with her job, she can come here to rejuvenate with shopping therapy...

8... But that makes me think, how about my dear Oreo? My church and the vision? My past and everyone and everything I've ever loved?

9... Maybe then I need Ps Mike to minister to me. Cos I feel cheated and so disappointed with someone whom I thought cared but turns out to be just any Tom, Dick and Harry. But I suppose when someone can conveniently forget me when my heart cries out to them, why should I remember?

10. But this time I promise not to fall and drink my sorrows away cos I know that this is not permanent cos Jesus cares for every tear I have shed. There will be a rainbow tomorrow. There will be a smile.

What am I doing 5am in the morning? Having slept so late I can't sleep still? What am I gonna tomorrow? I am gonna be a zombie but boss won't take that as a reason. At 5am in the morning I wish to disappear into the thin air and never to return again. I am not as strong as I preach to be. But I am learning. Maybe that is the way God chastises His little preacher in S8 - whatever I've preached I've to learn and live twice as much. Maybe it's the last point - patience and prayer. Whatever that is I am discouraged. But quoting myself, I can't stay in that disappointment too long. "When you are going through hell, don't stop." I'm not sure how that is suppose to work but I guess a strong person is a person who can encourage himself/herself.

So I am feeling sick at heart and what is the reason? The thing is I don't even know what exactly is that. I feel guilty for feeling but the day I cease to feel is the day I cease to be a human. I am not that mood cloud walking around - that's good enough right?

Again, I've said nobody wants to be a Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30. Nobody wants to turn old overnight. But for a little moment I wish I have come to the end of my life - where God praises me to be a good and faihtful person.

I've almost always followed rules. When it is time to sit I sit. When it's time to stand I stand. I follow by the book. I almost cried when others cried. I am that mechanical.

But I think I know. I am disgusted with myself. I long for someone to surprise me on my birthday. But this year a SMS surprised me. I was supposed to pay for my birthday dinner. So on my birthday morning I cried on Jol's bed. The night before the were no surprises. Only bacardi to drown my sorrows away. There were only Jol and I. As always.

When I wake up at 7am I expect no one to comfort me. Only a panda on the mirror to greet me. I long to love and be loved in return. Maybe God has destined the one to be Oreo. Is that all? Ok I am supposed to encourage myself. A song repeatedly minister to me. It's called "Hosanna" and I particularly like the bridge. Here it goes:

I have no appetite since this morning. I ate a piece of kuih lapis which TK bought from Jakarta, and then I couldn't take any more in. Now I force myself with an orange. I really need the sugar and fiber. Ok maybe I am amplifying my emotions. The drama queen is back so what is the reason?

Maybe to the fact that my friends are away from me in far far away lands. More than 10 coursemates of mine are in Singapore. Not that I really care, but one of the dearest I had is there. Friendships are never the same again. I can't get through the names enough. In a nutshell, my friends are spread all over the world. Steph and Jinny in UK, bro is going to Dubai to work, Jolene says she wants to go NZ/Aussie... the list goes on and on.

At the end of the day, I still have my family and Oreo with me. That thought is comforting enough. Personally, I have the same thoughts to leave too. But in the end, I did not. I decided that should I leave, it is due to the right motive.

Few years back, I was very against ppl leaving, especially church. I felt that with a vision so good, why would anyone leave? As years went by, I began to see more things and find that people are generally not satisfied. Most will say that Malaysia is going the drains, and there is no fair opportunities for us with this skin colour. Lately I was reading a friend's blog, she spent 5 years in Ireland doing medicine. In the end, Ireland was more like a home to her than Malaysia. She is not a Malaysian to begin with, but I remember her being so passionate and assimilated into the culture. She used talk to every Tom, Dick and Harry but this time when I saw her at the lobby, she looked so asing and uncomfortable.

Ok until here I do not know how to continue. I shall add something later.

One day, as I bowed worshipping God, He impressed upon my heart that He hates to see me grieve. I think I had been unknowingly grieving for the past 2 years. Grief is a very harsh word but it is not an understatement. So why did I grieve? God wouldn't tell me not to grieve if I wasn't grieving. It began 2 years ago when I had an accident after EMERGE. At the time, I felt so horrible and wondered why such thing happened to me. I had subconjunctiva hemorrhage on my eye. With my eyes dilated, I walked in the Trauma and Kecemasan ward, I couldn't see properly and the nurse scolded me on why I couln't walk on my own. I just felt so alone at that time. I wondered why such a thing happened when I had just finished attending EMERGE and arranging transport for everyone during the wee hours of EMERGE. Of course, it didn't end there. I found someone whom I thought could end my misery. I fell head on and after 2 years, I can hardly rise from my fall. People often thought I tagged behind because of status, but it was never that. This person treats me like a string to pull whenever he likes to. Even after I decided that I should no longer be his string, the hurt felt so deep.

After knowing him, I feel very undeserving. I reasoned that the only reason he treats me like this is because I am not good enough. I lived with this stigma for 2 years. It seemed like 1000 good things ppl say about me will never make up to how he treats me. I want to hide under the pillow, retreat into my cave.

I realise that God does not want me to live in this kind of defeated life. A song says, "show me how to live like you have loved me." It sruck me so hard. Am I living a life that portrays God's love for me? I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

With this I just want to say,

"Worship is not just when God is first but when God is ONLY." As long as I follow Him close, He will reveal the deep things of heaven to me.

Exactly 2 years ago, I was very attracted to ppl with good looks, charms and wits. Not that it is wrong, but I often look at their strength, often neglecting their weaknesses. As a result, I turned out to be a very imbalance person. I sought to accept their approval, and would sometimes compromise just to accomodate them. I knew such ppl was not what I needed, yet that was very much I what wanted.

I am thankful to say now that I finally came to my senses. I can't be immoral just because they are. I am not a mold for them, but I am a mold for God. I finally aligned what I need with what I want.

For the past one year, I hardly posted anything. I am not surprised if anyone stopped being a follower of this blog. Life had been mundane, I had been working, and then more work. I contemplated, and had a zillion times of soul searching. I can't comprehend what exactly I need to do. There had been happier times, let's just say. In between the mundaneness I appreciate the night outs with my besties, be it a movie or elbowing at Jol-and- Amy- knows- where. I love Jol even more (I say this cos I know she won't read it). And for Siew Lee, I just want to thank her for all the years of friendship. She trusted in me when I couldn't trust myself. And the things that I desire so much, they are still desires. But I must applaud myself for having overcome many things, such as what started as a crush back in EMERGE 2006.

OK back to the topic, Ps Kong preached a mighty message on Saturday night. This year EMERGE, there were not many sessions with Ps Kong. But it was one that I needed. I have heard for countless times to pray, read the Bible, fast, though the message is about this, so ordinary yet it was delivered in such extraordinary power. I must admit that this is one area that I have neglected.

As I grow older, the less happy I become. Troubles and burdens are ever so real. Fear and disappointment robbed me of my joy. A future and a hope, it's something that I almost stopped believing. Instead, I believe that I am good for nothing. The trauma and stigma that I lived with the past 2 years, I wonder if they would ever heal. When I thought it would heal, the scar opened up a few inches more.

Today, I decided that I must begin once again. And it was so powerful. I felt God reaffirming me with His love. And this journey must go on for a long long time till eternity.