Journey of a Dream

One day, as I bowed worshipping God, He impressed upon my heart that He hates to see me grieve. I think I had been unknowingly grieving for the past 2 years. Grief is a very harsh word but it is not an understatement. So why did I grieve? God wouldn't tell me not to grieve if I wasn't grieving. It began 2 years ago when I had an accident after EMERGE. At the time, I felt so horrible and wondered why such thing happened to me. I had subconjunctiva hemorrhage on my eye. With my eyes dilated, I walked in the Trauma and Kecemasan ward, I couldn't see properly and the nurse scolded me on why I couln't walk on my own. I just felt so alone at that time. I wondered why such a thing happened when I had just finished attending EMERGE and arranging transport for everyone during the wee hours of EMERGE. Of course, it didn't end there. I found someone whom I thought could end my misery. I fell head on and after 2 years, I can hardly rise from my fall. People often thought I tagged behind because of status, but it was never that. This person treats me like a string to pull whenever he likes to. Even after I decided that I should no longer be his string, the hurt felt so deep.

After knowing him, I feel very undeserving. I reasoned that the only reason he treats me like this is because I am not good enough. I lived with this stigma for 2 years. It seemed like 1000 good things ppl say about me will never make up to how he treats me. I want to hide under the pillow, retreat into my cave.

I realise that God does not want me to live in this kind of defeated life. A song says, "show me how to live like you have loved me." It sruck me so hard. Am I living a life that portrays God's love for me? I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

With this I just want to say,

"Worship is not just when God is first but when God is ONLY." As long as I follow Him close, He will reveal the deep things of heaven to me.