Journey of a Dream

What am I doing 5am in the morning? Having slept so late I can't sleep still? What am I gonna tomorrow? I am gonna be a zombie but boss won't take that as a reason. At 5am in the morning I wish to disappear into the thin air and never to return again. I am not as strong as I preach to be. But I am learning. Maybe that is the way God chastises His little preacher in S8 - whatever I've preached I've to learn and live twice as much. Maybe it's the last point - patience and prayer. Whatever that is I am discouraged. But quoting myself, I can't stay in that disappointment too long. "When you are going through hell, don't stop." I'm not sure how that is suppose to work but I guess a strong person is a person who can encourage himself/herself.

So I am feeling sick at heart and what is the reason? The thing is I don't even know what exactly is that. I feel guilty for feeling but the day I cease to feel is the day I cease to be a human. I am not that mood cloud walking around - that's good enough right?

Again, I've said nobody wants to be a Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30. Nobody wants to turn old overnight. But for a little moment I wish I have come to the end of my life - where God praises me to be a good and faihtful person.

I've almost always followed rules. When it is time to sit I sit. When it's time to stand I stand. I follow by the book. I almost cried when others cried. I am that mechanical.

But I think I know. I am disgusted with myself. I long for someone to surprise me on my birthday. But this year a SMS surprised me. I was supposed to pay for my birthday dinner. So on my birthday morning I cried on Jol's bed. The night before the were no surprises. Only bacardi to drown my sorrows away. There were only Jol and I. As always.

When I wake up at 7am I expect no one to comfort me. Only a panda on the mirror to greet me. I long to love and be loved in return. Maybe God has destined the one to be Oreo. Is that all? Ok I am supposed to encourage myself. A song repeatedly minister to me. It's called "Hosanna" and I particularly like the bridge. Here it goes: