Journey of a Dream

free images+choices pics on Sodahead

So, yesterday went well. I managed to go all 6 places I intended to go. Well and beyond.

1. At the PTPTN office, I was sent back and forth to Level 6, then to Level 11 and then finally to Level 8. As usual, nobody seems to know anything to settle my problem immediately. Apparently, there is this promotion for those who finish paying their PTPTN in one lump sump by this year. They backdated the interest calculation from 2008 to 1% instead of 3%. So, I got some discount and instead of me having to pay them, I actually overpaid them. That's a nice and pleasant surprise.

2. Next, I went to AusAsia and met up with the consultant. At this point, I realise I should have come here earlier because the impending deadline of July 2012 is very near. This is the whole reason for my weary heart. The questions that plagued my mind all the way are these:

a. Do I really want it?
b. So, if I really want it, do I want to spend the BIG $$$ to get it? Accordingly, if I am willing to pay that amount, there is 99.9% chance of me getting it provided I choose to take up their service. In order for me to pay them, I will have to be in massive debt which I really do not desire since I had just painstakingly paid of my study loan. If I choose not to take up their service, I have only 50% chance of getting it.
c. So, if I get it, is there a guarantee that of happiness?

3. Kompleks Mahkamah Petaling Jaya - Done what I intended to do.

4. Register IELTS at IDP - the lady who attended to me was rude, service sucks but no choice since registering with IDP comes with a book. With British Council, I will have 30 hours of online help. I prefer having a physical book to read.

5. Meeting at Cyberjaya - Didn't go that well. I wasn't that desirable and so is the other party.

6. Errands at Ministry of Foreign Affairs at Wisma Putra, Putrajaya - Not very cekap, certified true copies of a few pieces of paper took more than an hour

For the most part of my life, I led a sedentary lifestyle. As a kid, the most that I did was to sprint. I wasn't into competitive sports. So when I started salsa in 2009, my tummy was already bulging in front of me. I wasn't heavy, just about 50kg, but my waistline could almost match a guy.

Then the quest for fitness started. Maybe by listening "someone" telling me all the time that gym is a religion, the belief got into me and that is how my gym membership started. Just in a matter of a few months, I started to see my weight dropping. I don't really know if I can credit this to my gym membership or the things that I went through as I was severely dehydrated from all the tears. The physical pain that I put on my body to train did not seem like anything when compared to the pain I felt deep inside.

Soon enough, people around me started to notice my smaller frame. Lady Di commented on it. SuSu commented on it. A few ladies in the office commented on it. Even some guys in my company commented on it. Jo commented on it and when I told her I could see my rib cage now, she said I'm aneroxic. I can't count how many people who actually noticed. Whomever they are, I loved the comments they gave me. In fact, I became inspiration for many women and I would gladly give them advice

My work pants could no longer hold my smaller hips that I had to alter them. I love it. But at this point, I was getting a bit lazy with gym. Work and other commitments got a hold on me. The frequent holidays didn't help either as each time I had to start again all over. By now, I was no longer as rigid with my diet.

Then, I really want to end the year well. I want to see flat tummy, less cellulite (of course, the most ideal will be no cellulites at all). I bought a shorts that could not fit me by accident. My aim is to fit in that shorts which I have yet to do so.

All in all, it was a big paradigm shift from Jim to gym (pun intended).

This Friday is an extremely important day for me.

It's THE DAY I finally strike study loan debt out of the list.
It's THE DAY I will discuss M opportunities with a "consultant."
Then I have to go to Cyberjaya and Putrajaya.
From here I can get cheap air tickets.
If the day goes well, then I go and sign up for a very important exam, which is a gateway to the big M.

The other day, I was reading about Dr Paul Brand, a physician who spent much of his life in medical research for the improvement of lives of leprosy patients. He was the first physician to explain that leprosy does its damage by destroying nerve endings, and when nerve endings are destroyed, patients lose their sensation of pain which made them susceptible to injury. While people are trying to get rid of pain, Dr Paul Brand spent millions of dollars trying to create the sensation of pain for his leprosy patients. In this, Dr Paul Brand introduced a different perception about pain and pleasure: Pain, despite its negative perceptions about it, can be a gift and may even be essential. Thus, together with Philip Yancey, he has authored a book entitled "The Gift of Pain". I will get a hold on this book when I can.

On a side note, my pilate instructor, Jezzalyn, said something that rung heavily in my head. She said while all of us were tucking our bellies with a seksa face, "If you are not in pain, you are not getting it."

 

Reflecting my life this year, 1 theme prevailed above all. If it was about anything, it was about the lack and loss of HOPE. After losing a certain someone,  I wanted to detach from my past and run away from my current geographical location, whatever that reminded my of my failures. I deleted SMSes that reminded me of that, I neglected gifts that he gave me, I threw things away in my room which I deemed taking up too much space, which included items like books, bags, clothes, etc. This throwing things act is what I call a need to de-clutter. In reality, what I need is a "mind de-clutter" to clear things up in the head and decide what I really want.  My weekends mostly consisted of "resting from burnouts" and "gathering my mind" which resulted from a "struggling career". However, these rest I got from weekends never really came out to any decisions.

Slowly but surely, I lost passion in the things that used to matter to me. My dancing session was reduced to only attending classes. As for social dancing, I could only be seen dancing once a month, if any at all. I used to visit the mall regularly and had a hard time resisting my temptation to spend, but I have cut down my mall visits to maybe just once a month simply because I was disinterested. I stopped drinking coffee at my favourite Starbucks joints. To avoid deciding what to wear to work everyday, I have lined them up in a way that I will wear them on rotation. I stopped going out on Saturday nights for any booze at all. I only caught up with friends who wanted to meet up with me and didn't get initiative with my friendships. I realize, all these were saving me a lot of money, but deep inside me, I felt hollow.

I didn't know what I could do to make me feel better, but somehow, I have developed an affinity for reading poignant stories of miraculous survivals and breakthroughs in the face of difficulties and hopelessness. Two notable ones are the stories of Liz Murray and Jaycee Lee Dugard. These stories tell me that despite whatever people go through or what kind of slumdog background people come from, somehow, with courage and persistence, and an attitude of never giving up, somehow, things will turn out fine.

Despite my failing mental health with bouts of imsomnia and depression, things turned out better than I thought. I was euphoric after receiving the letter yesterday, even though the euphoria lasted me just for a day before my mind asks the next BIG QUESTION. Do I still want the BIG MOVE now? Is there a guarantee that better life lies ahead when I take the BIG MOVE? The truth is that there is no guarantee... and it might be just another chasing after the wind. It might not be the panacea that I am looking for the gaping spiritual hole that I have.

So, I turn to books again. This time, it's a book on Christian missions. Tales of people who go into dangerous mission fields where they faced persecution and house arrests. Tales about people who give up their own comfort to meet the needs of less fortunate children caught in slavery and prostitution. As I read the book, I realize I could be fired up in my Christian faith again in the area of compassion. For too long, compassion have been known to be feeling provoking but not act inducing. I figure too that I had been to selfish to my own needs. If I focus on other people's needs, that may be the panacea to my own problems and mental war. So I will take small steps to check out what I can do.

Being lost is bad, and I hate seeing my friends lost too.. especially when they have weird beliefs like existentialism.

In Band Perry's If I Die Young, the song sounds very morbid yet so meaningful. Life is making the best at what you've got.

Ok this is the end of my Saturday night and another "gathering my mind" session.

For the third time this week, I worked late.

Monday 9.30 pm, extra 3 hours 45 minutes
Wednesday 7.55pm, extra 2 hours 10 minutes
Thursday 9.05pm, extra 3 hours 20 minutes

If I add all these up, that would make a day's work. I didn't want to do it, I just had to because there 20 items in my to - do list, and I know if I don't strike up items in the list, new things would just come in everyday. Mind you, these 20++ items are not my routine work to get "ester" going, they are "extra" work that has accumulated over the past few months, and if I don't do it right away, they just get harder to do.

All kinds of negative thoughts conjure up in my mind everyday, but with the additional hours when I am physically tired, I start to lose my mind.

|Why am I doing all these extra hours beyond my working hours? Is my pay RM5k a month? Am I being paid overtime? Do I get extra bonus?

All I get is a mean boss who doesn't appreciate me at all. All I get is crappy appraisal. All I get is being bullied by her and her accomplice. All I get is frequent burn out episodes and cases of insomnia which are happening more frequently these days. I can't even go gym, cell group, earn extra income.. It really eats into my personal time but if I don't do it, people will complain that I am incompetent...

Do they really know how much I am handling? Plant 1 is running at bullet train speed. Plant 2 is picking up. This year, the quantity of product is almost twice of last year. Which means, twice product forms, twice footnote, twice outgoing BLC, twice lab technician problems, more customer complaints... Besides this, I still have to develop methods, answer Sales and Marketing Queries, answer Technical Service queries, source for external lab services as there are ever more new testing requirements from customers, help R&D team with their queries, help other site labs to do ad hoc testing. Just last week, no brainer boss added 3 additional instruments into my lap. When I asked her, the reason that she gave me is because I am PIC for "ester" and so happen these few instruments fall under "ester".

People say, "If you are not happy, don't complain. Just tender the letter." True, in fact, I have prepared the letter which is sitting in my personal folder. But how I am gonna go through the remaining 3 months when every single day is hellish...

Music has a way to connect the soul. Isn't is true that some songs just remind you of certain someone or certain season in your life? Secondhand Serenade's Fall For You reminds me about this guy from another church that I had a crush on when I just came out working. Shakira's Hips Don't Lie reminds me of Joe cos the club played this song during the only time we went to Poppy's together. I'll Missing You and How Do I Live Without You remind me of high school days. Of course, Faye Wong's －执迷不悔 and Broken Hearted Women remind me of my primary school days. I was a huge Faye Wong's fan!

One of those earlier days after dance practice while listening to the female version of When You Say Nothing At All in his car, I secretly wished that he would serenade me with this song with his soulful voice. From that day onward, I imagine myself walking down the aisle with him. On our wedding dinner, we would perform our Salsa - Bachata first dance. Well, of course, that never took place.

Apart from that song, a song that immediately connected with my pain was The Band Perry's If I Die Young. When the thing just happened, when I could not accept it yet, this song played on the radio on the way home after work, streams of tears flowed in a gush. It wasn't just the meaningful lyrics of how, "Funny, when you're dead people start listening." It was that song just connected with my feelings. Listening to this song, it reminded of how EXACTLY I felt at that time... the need to run away from my pain. I remember sitting in front of my laptop looking for migration opportunities.

Because... I could not deal with my pain. I could not deal with the realization that I would never drink another glass of his protein drink. The realization that we would never again walk in the streets of Bangsar for lunch. The realization that we would never drive to the laundry shop ever again pick up his laundry. I would never again step foot into True Fitness Hartamas to wait for him to finish his gym session. That I would never again see him pack his clothes into the tiny luggage he uses for his frequent travels. The realization that we would never again sit together on his yoga mat. The realization that I would never again sit on his balcony enjoying the view of the new Istana Negara. It was the last of the last, not like the previous times when we had arguments but made it up after that.

I wanted to run away so much.. so in conclusion, this song just reminded the sole thing I wanted to do to get away from my pain which is to run away. So many months on, I haven't really done much for the thing I promised myself to do. Despite this song reminding me of pain, it also reminds me of my sole mission and help me to be focused to achieve it.

It's kinda ironic how holidays can make one feel tired when the original idea of a trip is to rejuvenate oneself. The more holidays I went, the more tired I became. I spent many hours pre - trip researching information with regards to the trips.. going to embassy to get visa done. Then I also spent many hours working for money to go on those trips. During the trips, I get exhausted because I maximize every possible hour when I am at the foreign country. Even during flights, I would read up more information, in case there is anything that I might have missed out. Coming back, I could only afford a few hours rest because the next day I had to go to work. So many times, I was drained up physically and emotionally. The trips were simply too demanding and too much to sacrifice for.

At some point in life, I believed that my existence on earth was to travel around the world. Today, that belief seems too shallow to me. Since I don't quite like work, travel is the nemesis of it and of late, I am not ashamed to admit it. Like duh... who does?

That is just the half truth.. The whole truth is that "I don't like my work at this moment, there had been better times, and there will certainly be times in the future I will put in my best... It's just that, it just kinda suck right now."

Which means, I believe I am capable, because I was capable in the past, I am sure I can repeat those feats again. I can spend hours and hours pouring into work with enthusiasm and passion, and money, reward and appreciation are the by - products of my efforts and passion.

Sure, I love to travel. Sure, I love to dance. Sure I love Oreo. Sure I love to go to the gym.. these are also passions inseparable of who I am. But work provides me with some sort of satisfaction and defines my self - worth. So at the end of the day, I still need to work which means, I am not really the housewife material.

Having said that, it does not mean that I agree to the idea of househusbands. I somehow don't see myself taking the active role of breadwinner by waking up to work every morning, while my hubby prepares breakfast, gets ready the dinner, babysit the kids and tuck them to bed and by the time I reach home, they are already asleep.

So I suppose, balance is the keyword here.

I can't sleep without writing this post. About a month and a half ago, I bought this book while shopping at Chitta Mall at Ara Damansara. Some time ago, I read Robert Kiyosaki's Rich Dad Poor Dad, which was equally as expounding, but at that time my working life has just begun, so I did not give much of a thought.

However, this time round, I chewed on this book as if it has life's treasures in it. I started reading this book less than a month ago, but I have yet to finished because I was taking my time to note down all the important points which are... too important to miss.

To some, the subject of financial freedom seem unattainable and far fetched. It was exactly the reason that after I read Rich Dad Poor Dad, I did nothing much about it. Actually, over the past 2 years, I did put some actions like attending seminars to gain some financial education, but other than that, I didn't actually start investing. The reason? I have no bucks for investment.

But now, I have a renewed zeal. I understand now that before I can earn big bucks, I need to have the millionaire mindset for it. In the past, I used to think that rich people are filthy, and they acquire their big bucks through their filthy ways. Today, I understand that these thoughts are stumbling blocks to whom I want to be. I also used to think that money is not important, this is also crappy.

To really understand what I mean, one has to really read the book.. I am usually a skeptic, but there's just so many truths in it.. if only one chooses to believe.

The fears I had lately had caused me anxiety. I was easily agitated, moody, restless, tensed up and at times, could not even sleep.

Firstly, it was the worry that what if my Jogja budget was blown up? I had precisely 1 million rupiah for 2 days and was worried that this might not be enough. In essence I am not that reckless, I had a buffer of 100 USD in case I needed more, or there is always credit card and use the tactic we did in Bali when money ran out. True enough, I spent precisely 1 million with my last two purchases of a batik robe for mom and kuih lapis. So I am over this fear.

Another fear that mushroomed the past few days that caused me to be weary is that my consistent student of almost a year now announced that he was stopping tuition because he wanted to study medicine. I somehow had planned to pay off PTPTN using my income from tuition, and with his announcement, my dream seem dashed. I told myself to be calm as there is a reason for everything that happens, and it is always for the better. I stayed calm and collected, and few days later my student told me he is continuing with his A Levels. So this fear has subsided too.

So, the third fear, was the fear of insecurity. Strange as it sounds, this is the first time that I do not feel secure being in PORK. If there is any weakness in PORK, it never crosses my mind that it is insecurity. But after my appraisal, I somewhat feels that this is all a conspiracy. And fear begins to grip me. Nobody really believe that I can do what I said I will do. But then again, when nobody believes in you, the least you can do for yourself is to believe in yourself.

I feel anxious... I am desperate to leave this place... But I haven't found a better option... and bonus time is not here yet. Another 5 more months. Can it be any more miserable?

For few days now, I have this imaginary conversation that runs through my mind again and again.. I imagine having a closed door meeting with Mr GM. He will try to "dig" from me what is the reason for my leaving, not as if he has not already known.. In my current emotional self, I want to tell him that Kite sucks, and she has this conspiracy to make me miserable.

I want to tell him one by one how Kite wronged me. How S&M will request something from her, she will sit on it a few days, when S&M chase her, she will demand to do it IMMEDIATELY. How rude she is. How she just doubts me. How un-knowledgeable she is about the subject matter. How micro she is..How she is the catalyst for my leaving.. But in the end, I just feel that there is no point in bad - mouthing a person. After all, that will leave me in a bad light, which makes things worse. Nevertheless, truth must be told. A soft version of the truth maybe.

So, if I imagine the conversation will go on something like this:

Mr GM: So finally, after our discussion that day, you decided to tender resignation?

Me: Yes, I think that is the best thing to do right now. I thank you for the opportunities that you, Lady Di and Ms Beautiful gave me. I really learned a lot from you guys. It was a truly enriching experience. And there are also a lot of people that I will miss here. But then I think this is the best thing to do now.

Mr GM: Why, are things so bad around here?

Me: Honestly, I come to work to learn and to contribute. And to get rewarded. I think all these are closely related. Since I am rated just rated "average", maybe I don't deliver enough value. Ever since you talked to me, I started putting in more effort, but in the end, things just didn't improve. In the end, I just got demotivated and unhappy.

Mr GM: Hmm, actually I can see that you put in a lot of effort. I thought things have improved between the 2 of you?

Me: No boss, what you see is actually on the surface. I tried to make things work. I put in more effort and become more tolerable. But in the end, things just didn't work. I guess, the both of us just have incompatible personalities to work together.

The conversation could just end here, or it could just go on.

Mr GM: Actually, it'll be the same everywhere you go. There are always difficult people to work with.

Me: Yes, I agree to that, but at the rate I am going, I don't think I'm happy. I have been unhappy since last year. But after the appraisal, I just decided that it is time to leave.

Mr GM: What was wrong with the appraisal?

Me: Well, I think that it was unfair that I didn't even have the opportunity to appraise myself unlike the previous year. She just decided that I was only worth that value. But I didn't say anything then cos I just felt that there is no point. In my humble opinion, people should be given the credit for doing the extra mile, but in this case, it is not appreciated. But I tell myself it is ok, I will find someone who will appreciate my value.

Mr GM: (Deep in thoughts and hopefully he feels the loss of a good employee)...

I don't know how this conversation will end.

Lady Di was about 30km away at the HQ. But today, I decided to Skype her. I asked her if the right procedure is to give the opportunity to an employee to appraise herself and then the boss amends it later. She said yes.. I told her I didn't even have that chance. 2 days ago, on the 3rd of August, which is precisely 2 years since I started work at PORK, Kite asked me to go to her room. Surprise birthday party is common. Surprise proposal is common (duh, when is proposal not a surprise?). But have you ever heard of surprise appraisal? More like an instant one as she had to submit to relevant authorities on that day.

She explained to me the points in the appraisal. In summary, I was rated "average". She said I had potential and that I have great ideas that are actually workable. She said my reports are very good and she could see that I had put in a lot of effort to stay back late to make sure work are done. But in my mind, I was thinking, how come this is not reflected in my points? So for all that I have done, I am just "average"... I wanted to defend myself. I wanted her to see the good things I have done.. but then, when a person already has a negative perspective about you, there is no amount of words that will cause her to give me more marks. So I continued sitting at the "berlakon" session until 1.5 hours passed. I came out of the room depressed and demotivated. I suddenly felt like a stupid fool for all the times I stayed back late. In fact, there were times I stayed till 9ish when it's dark and dangerous to walk to carpark. But I was dedicated. But in the end, I was just "average". Honestly, deep in my heart, I don't really believe that I am average. My philosophy is that EVEN if anyone is average but if he takes the effort to try to do things well, he should be awarded the credit.

Many thoughts are running through my mind, I find the need to search deep within myself and analyse what went wrong. I talked to few people I'm close with. My mind is quite creative,  I somehow came up with the thought that this is a conspiracy to get rid of me. Kite needs me now, but why is she treating me like this? The way I see it, she does not see that my work is of good value to her, and hence I am only "average".

I set a new KPI.. latest by 31st December the "letter" will land on her table. Since I do not deliver value and is not appreciated, why stay? Mr GM will tell me that everywhere you go is the same, you will face difficult bosses. I agree with him, but if staying here means permanently unhappy, why not I take the risk? At least if I take the risk, I can either be happy or unhappy.

One of the people I talk to about this is 7th Aunt. She's been a boss before and she is a lecturer now. She told me how she will never simply appraise her subordinates because this will affect their livelihood. She will also marks her students papers properly because this will determine whether they graduate or not. Anyway, that is besides the point. More importantly is that she struck a very important point. She said something to the effect that I have been talking about leaving PORK for some time already, I talk a lot but there is no action. It's true... And my next post is a reflection on that.

2 years ago, precisely 3rd Aug 2009, I landed my feet at PORK for my first day at work. A career would soon form here, for a period of 2 years at least.

On the first day itself, I didn't feel happy. My first impression was that this lab was really old. Went to see Lady Di. She brought me around the lab and showed me the things I needed to know. A more senior chemist took me for lunch at the canteen that day at the "instruction" of Lady Di. After a week of running through documents in the department folder which I had no slightest inkling, 1st in command Ms Beautiful gave me my first project, which was to create this S&M information pack for a new product that is used to make pearlescing effect in shampoos, etc.

This project somehow created a good rapport with Ms Beautiful. She was impressed with my Power Point slides. Soon, more projects landed on me. But at the lab, I had problems. The 2 more senior chemists were good friends, and they detested me. I had a lot of difficulty getting things done, but somehow, the tough environment made me strong, and I excelled even more. Lady Di and Ms Beautiful entrusted more things into my lap. Fate somehow changed things. The 2 senior chemists decided to fight with each other, and the most senior one, somewhat became my ally.

So after working for 1 year, I got my reward in the form of a good appraisal, and eventually a good increment. But again, fate got twisted. Ms Beautiful got promoted and moved on to the headquarters. As for Lady Di, she got promoted too. But a few months after that, she got transferred out. And then Kite moved in.

And then my misery begins again.. My next post follows up on this..

One of the people that tells truth straight to my face is SL, even though I think her of being too direct and sometimes, for having the facts wrong. But when she told me, " why do you always complain no money when you always go on holiday?" She was right on that. I think no one can be more frank than her. Sometimes what she says jolt me out to reality, at other times, nature just takes its course until I learned my lesson, such as when the painful emotional roller coaster ride with Unofficial Ex-boyfriend No2 took place. She warned me, but I did not heed her advice. One thing, that SL would not hesitate to take a swipe on me is how I spend my money.

I admit, I don't fare quite well in that sector and has very little discipline in it. The bad thing about me is that I remember my 16 digit credit card no, with the additional 3 no. What is wrong with me that despite my failing memory, I can remember all the 19 digits. And the effect is disastrous.

The Seoul episode is behind me now. Things went 90% as planned. There were hiccups here and there, but I think I did a pretty good job at planning the whole trip. Sometimes, there was fear in me. What if Bee Won Guesthouse suddenly did not have a room for me? What if Tour DMZ and Nami forgot my reservations? I know, for the slightest mistake that I do, I would be reprimanded, not through physical beating, but endless audio abuse that I have to bear. True enough, I can't remember a single day in that 6 days that I did not get scolding and nagging and complaints.

"What? I came all the way to see this tunnel?"

"The museum is boring."

"What? I traveled all the way by bus just to see this fortress?"

For the first few days, I just tried to bear it like I have for all these years. But as days went by, I wanted to retaliate. In the end, I chose to keep silent when pissed off. Somehow, this overshadowed the fun that I supposedly had in the trip.  Of course, the weather in Seoul did not help at all. By the end of the first day, the right side of my mouth was full of ulcers. By the second day, my left side too. Too much of kimchi and everything else red spicy and grilled. By the time I came home, they were all gone!! Thank God.

I was the planner, the navigator, the treasurer, the direction asker (bear in mind, I can't speak Korean either). No wonder, coming back I just felt so exhausted. It felt like an eunuch "siu kwai ji" serving the concubine (leung leung). Anyway, it's good being back in KL.

On the good side, I tried all the Korean food I know - bibimbap, mandoo (something like the Japanese gyoza or the Chinese "jiau zi"), bulgogi, rich cake, ginseng chicken soup, spicy chicken feet, green bean pancake, grilled pork skin (yes, the skin.. and all the oil that comes with it). I think I want to take a break from Korean food for 3 months.

Other than that, I bought a lot of masks.. Like a lot with olive, pomegranate, caviar, aloe, rice, lemon, honey, pearl, green tea, sea kelp, seaweed extracts. Apparently, each of this mask brings different effects on the face. Moisturizing, nourishing, brightening, vitalizing, exfoliating, soothing, hydrating. I also bought a lot of skincare products which can last me for 1 year. I also bought some shoes and clothes.

My threshold is running a little low. Kite has been away for a week.  Everyone let down their guards. But despite that, there is this tension in the air. As if something was not right.The new clerk complained about her new job and tendered her resignation just after one week after reporting. Apparently, she can't stand SuSu. SuSu peered over when she is doing work. New clerk caught her doing that through the computer screen reflection. Besides that, she was reprimanded for talking to the lady technicians. Other than that, it's what I have been accustomed to for the 1.75 years I was here: No handphone, lest you spill sensitive company information; no food and drink, not even sweets or nescafe, lest you spill the coffee like a kid..

As I sat in front of the computer screen, I tried to recall the last time I was away. I went to our R&D center at Westport a few months. Yes it was that long!!! A few months ago... I have hardly been to the headquarters, seminar, library, training or whatever ever since Kite took charge. This is not the place I want to be. The corporate ladder is higher than Rapunzel's tower and I am still at the bottom. Yes I know, this place is very safe. But security no longer lures me. I need a new challenge.

I know, I have been talking about the new challenge since January. Yet I have not done much during the last 5 months. I was busy with Japan, I am busy with Korea and tuition. If I am really sick of the situation, I should really do something about it but am I doing anything?

I found out today about what actually transpired within the 5 days Zoe was here. Apparently, mum had complained to Nicole about her leg. I don't know what she complained, that it was still painful and that we did not take care of her? Personally, I'm tired about her leg. After hospitalization, visits to Gasing tabib cina and Pudu tabib cina which include urut the kaki, acupuncture and using IR, nothing seems to work. It's not like I didn't spend money.  All of us spent money but no matter how we try, words has it that we are not treating Mum well. Anyhow, Zoe will be in Dubai permanently by Oct. So why all the trouble now?

My house has suddenly turned silent today. There is no more noise of nursing babe, or voices of adults nursing a babe. What a contrast from 2 days ago, where there were bottles and toys lying everywhere, and the fridge filled with more bottles and plastic bags filled with breast milk. My mornings were greeted with music suited for my young niece. None of these are heard or seen anymore.

My dad angry, and my mum disappointed, that's the kind of feeling you get if you walk into my house right now. But I know, they will eventually get over it. 2 weeks ago, they were euphoric about the fact that they get to take care of their own grandchild. Today, that hope is dashed.

As for me, it's living with terms that I can't play with my niece. She'll probably be mandarin speaking. But once again, Oreo can roam freely in my house.

Saturday morning began with dragging myself out of bed at 8.30am, a very unusual practise from waking up at about 10 ish as I am accustomed to on Saturday mornings. This was the second saturday in a row that I actually wake up early to go for seminars. But it's ok, this weekend is a long weekend.

Yes, there are a lot of seminars you can go to. A lot of feel good seminars to motivate you. But this particular one, I wanted to go because Dr Peter J Daniels is a billionaire owning a gold and silver bullion bank hailing from Down Under and he is 70+ yrs old.When I go for seminars, I often wonder why would people bother teaching if they make so much money in futures/ options/ forex/ stock/ real estate? Could it be that teaching earns them more than they do trading? For Dr Peter J Daniels, I know he simply wants to bless the church. And being a billionaire, whatever he said has been tried and tested.

His accent was particularly hard to listen on Saturday morning where I just dragged myself out of bed. But by Monday, I was used to listening to that accent.

He spoke about the need of feeding the brains. He spoke about having a life long dreams and having a plan to make sure it happens. He also gave some investing tips which I'm keeping close to my heart.

The 1st law of success, according to him, is the mastery over procrastination. So to begin with, I need to read some books. Success may be a big word to use. For me, I just hate the thought of being stuck in a job I don't enjoy all my life and the corporate ladder is as slow as the turtle's journey with a lot of hard work but very little reward. So this is my little step launching into the deep and I have to agree, it all begins in the mind.