Journey of a Dream

The fears I had lately had caused me anxiety. I was easily agitated, moody, restless, tensed up and at times, could not even sleep.

Firstly, it was the worry that what if my Jogja budget was blown up? I had precisely 1 million rupiah for 2 days and was worried that this might not be enough. In essence I am not that reckless, I had a buffer of 100 USD in case I needed more, or there is always credit card and use the tactic we did in Bali when money ran out. True enough, I spent precisely 1 million with my last two purchases of a batik robe for mom and kuih lapis. So I am over this fear.

Another fear that mushroomed the past few days that caused me to be weary is that my consistent student of almost a year now announced that he was stopping tuition because he wanted to study medicine. I somehow had planned to pay off PTPTN using my income from tuition, and with his announcement, my dream seem dashed. I told myself to be calm as there is a reason for everything that happens, and it is always for the better. I stayed calm and collected, and few days later my student told me he is continuing with his A Levels. So this fear has subsided too.

So, the third fear, was the fear of insecurity. Strange as it sounds, this is the first time that I do not feel secure being in PORK. If there is any weakness in PORK, it never crosses my mind that it is insecurity. But after my appraisal, I somewhat feels that this is all a conspiracy. And fear begins to grip me. Nobody really believe that I can do what I said I will do. But then again, when nobody believes in you, the least you can do for yourself is to believe in yourself.