Journey of a Dream

Reflecting my life this year, 1 theme prevailed above all. If it was about anything, it was about the lack and loss of HOPE. After losing a certain someone,  I wanted to detach from my past and run away from my current geographical location, whatever that reminded my of my failures. I deleted SMSes that reminded me of that, I neglected gifts that he gave me, I threw things away in my room which I deemed taking up too much space, which included items like books, bags, clothes, etc. This throwing things act is what I call a need to de-clutter. In reality, what I need is a "mind de-clutter" to clear things up in the head and decide what I really want.  My weekends mostly consisted of "resting from burnouts" and "gathering my mind" which resulted from a "struggling career". However, these rest I got from weekends never really came out to any decisions.

Slowly but surely, I lost passion in the things that used to matter to me. My dancing session was reduced to only attending classes. As for social dancing, I could only be seen dancing once a month, if any at all. I used to visit the mall regularly and had a hard time resisting my temptation to spend, but I have cut down my mall visits to maybe just once a month simply because I was disinterested. I stopped drinking coffee at my favourite Starbucks joints. To avoid deciding what to wear to work everyday, I have lined them up in a way that I will wear them on rotation. I stopped going out on Saturday nights for any booze at all. I only caught up with friends who wanted to meet up with me and didn't get initiative with my friendships. I realize, all these were saving me a lot of money, but deep inside me, I felt hollow.

I didn't know what I could do to make me feel better, but somehow, I have developed an affinity for reading poignant stories of miraculous survivals and breakthroughs in the face of difficulties and hopelessness. Two notable ones are the stories of Liz Murray and Jaycee Lee Dugard. These stories tell me that despite whatever people go through or what kind of slumdog background people come from, somehow, with courage and persistence, and an attitude of never giving up, somehow, things will turn out fine.

Despite my failing mental health with bouts of imsomnia and depression, things turned out better than I thought. I was euphoric after receiving the letter yesterday, even though the euphoria lasted me just for a day before my mind asks the next BIG QUESTION. Do I still want the BIG MOVE now? Is there a guarantee that better life lies ahead when I take the BIG MOVE? The truth is that there is no guarantee... and it might be just another chasing after the wind. It might not be the panacea that I am looking for the gaping spiritual hole that I have.

So, I turn to books again. This time, it's a book on Christian missions. Tales of people who go into dangerous mission fields where they faced persecution and house arrests. Tales about people who give up their own comfort to meet the needs of less fortunate children caught in slavery and prostitution. As I read the book, I realize I could be fired up in my Christian faith again in the area of compassion. For too long, compassion have been known to be feeling provoking but not act inducing. I figure too that I had been to selfish to my own needs. If I focus on other people's needs, that may be the panacea to my own problems and mental war. So I will take small steps to check out what I can do.

Being lost is bad, and I hate seeing my friends lost too.. especially when they have weird beliefs like existentialism.

In Band Perry's If I Die Young, the song sounds very morbid yet so meaningful. Life is making the best at what you've got.

Ok this is the end of my Saturday night and another "gathering my mind" session.