Journey of a Dream

My threshold is running a little low. Kite has been away for a week.  Everyone let down their guards. But despite that, there is this tension in the air. As if something was not right.The new clerk complained about her new job and tendered her resignation just after one week after reporting. Apparently, she can't stand SuSu. SuSu peered over when she is doing work. New clerk caught her doing that through the computer screen reflection. Besides that, she was reprimanded for talking to the lady technicians. Other than that, it's what I have been accustomed to for the 1.75 years I was here: No handphone, lest you spill sensitive company information; no food and drink, not even sweets or nescafe, lest you spill the coffee like a kid..

As I sat in front of the computer screen, I tried to recall the last time I was away. I went to our R&D center at Westport a few months. Yes it was that long!!! A few months ago... I have hardly been to the headquarters, seminar, library, training or whatever ever since Kite took charge. This is not the place I want to be. The corporate ladder is higher than Rapunzel's tower and I am still at the bottom. Yes I know, this place is very safe. But security no longer lures me. I need a new challenge.

I know, I have been talking about the new challenge since January. Yet I have not done much during the last 5 months. I was busy with Japan, I am busy with Korea and tuition. If I am really sick of the situation, I should really do something about it but am I doing anything?

I found out today about what actually transpired within the 5 days Zoe was here. Apparently, mum had complained to Nicole about her leg. I don't know what she complained, that it was still painful and that we did not take care of her? Personally, I'm tired about her leg. After hospitalization, visits to Gasing tabib cina and Pudu tabib cina which include urut the kaki, acupuncture and using IR, nothing seems to work. It's not like I didn't spend money.  All of us spent money but no matter how we try, words has it that we are not treating Mum well. Anyhow, Zoe will be in Dubai permanently by Oct. So why all the trouble now?

My house has suddenly turned silent today. There is no more noise of nursing babe, or voices of adults nursing a babe. What a contrast from 2 days ago, where there were bottles and toys lying everywhere, and the fridge filled with more bottles and plastic bags filled with breast milk. My mornings were greeted with music suited for my young niece. None of these are heard or seen anymore.

My dad angry, and my mum disappointed, that's the kind of feeling you get if you walk into my house right now. But I know, they will eventually get over it. 2 weeks ago, they were euphoric about the fact that they get to take care of their own grandchild. Today, that hope is dashed.

As for me, it's living with terms that I can't play with my niece. She'll probably be mandarin speaking. But once again, Oreo can roam freely in my house.

Saturday morning began with dragging myself out of bed at 8.30am, a very unusual practise from waking up at about 10 ish as I am accustomed to on Saturday mornings. This was the second saturday in a row that I actually wake up early to go for seminars. But it's ok, this weekend is a long weekend.

Yes, there are a lot of seminars you can go to. A lot of feel good seminars to motivate you. But this particular one, I wanted to go because Dr Peter J Daniels is a billionaire owning a gold and silver bullion bank hailing from Down Under and he is 70+ yrs old.When I go for seminars, I often wonder why would people bother teaching if they make so much money in futures/ options/ forex/ stock/ real estate? Could it be that teaching earns them more than they do trading? For Dr Peter J Daniels, I know he simply wants to bless the church. And being a billionaire, whatever he said has been tried and tested.

His accent was particularly hard to listen on Saturday morning where I just dragged myself out of bed. But by Monday, I was used to listening to that accent.

He spoke about the need of feeding the brains. He spoke about having a life long dreams and having a plan to make sure it happens. He also gave some investing tips which I'm keeping close to my heart.

The 1st law of success, according to him, is the mastery over procrastination. So to begin with, I need to read some books. Success may be a big word to use. For me, I just hate the thought of being stuck in a job I don't enjoy all my life and the corporate ladder is as slow as the turtle's journey with a lot of hard work but very little reward. So this is my little step launching into the deep and I have to agree, it all begins in the mind. 

After trying out Freestyle Fitpole at Pink Vibes, I decided to check out TalentHub, albeit far. So after gym, I headed to Sri Hartamas, a place I have not been for 5 months.

Honestly, I don't really like to go to any place that is female dominated. Too much estrogen and progesteron make me wanna choke. Coming from a workplace where my actual colleagues aka chemists are all females and coming from all girl primary and secondary schools, sometimes I just wanna take a break away from all these. But for a pole dance studio, what was I expecting? I feel intimidated.. I don't know why.. Maybe because females generally have this sorority and bitching thing.

Soon, all the students arrived. There are about 4 regulars there. The instructor, Natasha, taught about 4 sets of 8 counts move that day, not enough to complete a song but it was good enough for me. I hoisted myself up the pole with my right ankle supporting my lower body, my left crossing over my right leg, and both my hands supporting the upper body. After that, the next move was to move the body to the left, while being at the pole. Another move consisted of doing a sexy cross aka kangkang the legs. Another set of moves involved spinning the pole like a "chair" and "fireman". Natasha told me to only do the "fireman", as I was a newbie. But even then, I find that it was difficult and after all using much of my core muscles, I was too tired to do the spin.

Without realising how fast time flies, the class was soon over. Honestly, I really enjoyed the class because afterall, pole dance is a very expressive dance. Despite liking the dance, I decided against joining the lessons due to the following reasons.

1. Distance - Very far, it takes me 1 hour to drive from Klang
2. Location - Hartamas always remind me of him
3. People - I don't feel very comfortable with this bunch of people
4. Money - I just paid RM250 for social dance class and for 2 seminars this coming May. Pole dance is quite expensive, RM160 for 4 lessons.
5. Focus -  I recently just joined social dance and already started with disco rock, hopefully cha cha is next. Maybe I should just focus in this this now
6. Time - With social dance, tuition, work (yes, work takes up most time), maybe it's not so wise to start lessons yet

Maybe, in a few more months, I'll be able to free up some time, save some money, get over him totally, wait till this bunch goes away, then I can join the classes.

Yesterday morning, I went to Legend Hotel to hear someone talk about stock investment. There were a few things I picked up during the 1.5 hours I was there. Not so much about stock investment, as I don't have any money to do stock investment right now. The presenter, Marcus, was very good in his delivery techniques. Deep in all of us, we know, the reason we attend such seminar is because we don't have financial freedom right now.

What really struck me is that he said, "people procrastinate, but like it or not, time is still going to pass."

It struck me a fair bit because about 2.5 years ago, I read Robert Kiyosaki's Rich Dad Poor Dad. I remember, I was so stirred up that I didn't want to remain in employment. But right now, I'm still employed. I'm not much closer to where I wanted to be. So it's true, like it or not, time is still going to pass and the question is, to make a change, why not start now?

Then he also said, "people work 10 hours a day, but they are not willing to spend 20 minutes a day to educate themselves?" I can't help to agree more. People are willing to work hard on their jobs, but they don't work hard on themselves.

So for a change, I want to resist looking at online shopping websites. Buy some books on investment and financial freedom, go for seminar (I already signed up for National Achievers Congress). Don't know how much it helps but it's a good start.

Anyway, I learned some jargons:

Trading ratio means how much are you willing to lose in order to earn

This week had been a hectic one for me. Things could have helped if I slept well, but most days I just didn't, especially on Sunday and Monday night, where the week just rolled in and I found it hard to start off.

Nevertheless it was a fruitful one:

Monday night - researching about Seoul. Gosh, this is tough work, why not I just pay the travel agent to get things done and ensure the whole trip goes on smoothly? All because I want to add a personal touch to the trip, in fact too personal that I practically want to plan every detail.. the subway, the jimjilbang experience I want to have, how much will the ajuma charge me for scrubbing my body like how she would scrub a dirty pot, the jazz experience I want to have at Hongdae, the view of Winter Sonata I want to see at Namiseom)

Tuesday - Tuition class that lasted for 2 hours. Sometimes I wonder how people can start to study 2 months before the final exam and expect to miraculously pass the exam. His Chemistry level is just form 5 level, if not worse. Organic, too many reactions to remember. Inorganic, more reactions to remember. Physical chemistry, too many definitions and understanding involved.. Sometimes I just don't know how to help people like that. All I can say is that I can only try to do my best. Where there is demand, there the supply will be.

Wednesday - Dance practise with Unofficial Ex-Boyfriend No.2 Just felt wasted my bachata class without going for practice so we decided to go ahead with this. This is the first time in 4 months that I actually talked more than 10 minutes with him. Before this, I was still upset with him. And I realized that being estranged from him made me feel worse because I can't really be angry with people that I care for no matter how bad the person once treat me. I don't really hold grudges to my heart. That's why I'm still in good terms all my ex-es. But will we ever be as close as we once was? No.. no way. I wish to have a life like him too, spend half a year traveling to different countries.. What kinda life is that?

Thursday - Met up with Jol and Shan, just like the good old times in Form 6, for a pole dance trial class at Viva Vertical, SS15. We arrived half an hour late due to not being able to find the place. It was a small place, just 4 poles and there were 7 of us so we had to rotate the poles. The dance is really sexy and expressive. But then, we decided against joining (for now) because we don't have a pole at home and that makes it difficult to practise. Besides, having learned dance at Havana Estudio before, somehow I expect the instructor to teach like Sam and Aisha, or Haan from Dance Connexion for the matter. But every instructor has his own style, I can't get used to her (maybe I will if I try harder). After the class we headed for Korean BBQ.

Friday - Came back straight after work to catch up at the mamak with dad. (Was supposed to have a class with student but he ffk, or drinking session with colleague, anyway I'm really too tired to go anywhere) My way of unwinding the week and prepare for tomorrow's lesson. Washed my clothes, iron my favourite green top, and bought a cake online. So far I have bought facial session, lingerie, burger, cake, cupcakes, gym membership, dance classes, magazine subscription, donation, hair cut - ONLINE). Who says you need to go out to spend money?

Going up watching TVB series, where divorces frequently happen on-screen, the characters in a show often quote irreconcilable difference for the reason of their divorce. Apparently, it's when you try all means to salvage a relationship, yet at the end of the day it just doesn't work.

Ever since Kite took over, I had never been truly happy here. People say, when there's a fresh face, there's also a fresh breath. In this case, I beg to differ. One reason is because I was quite happy with Lady D before Kite came into the picture. Of course with Lady D it was not like trouble free, but then I was 10X happier.

With Lady D, I was a small tiny alchemist, but with Kite, I have become the Bangla here. Other people's work have also become my work, everything has become urgent, gosh, I hate that phrase!!! There's no dignity, no purpose, no training, no future.. I have given up on this place. Worse, I doubt myself more than ever. I no longer feel good about myself, my performance, when that happens, I should really not be here anymore. I feel so low I'm beginning to send out negative vibes around me.

I have given up hope and can no longer accept the irreconcilable differences.