Journey of a Dream

The tears have not stopped till today after 4 long months. It happens now at less intervals and shorter periods these days. Bottom line, it still hurts because he mattered to me.

I saw him at the Studio Party the other day. Seeing him again, all the memories came alive again. I felt pity for myself. So at 12am, I wanted to leave badly. The more I sat there, the more irrational thoughts I have.

Walking down the stairs, I saw Fred and asked him casually if he was going to have a drink at Devi's. He wasn't going to, but he invited me, and I didn't say no. So the both of us started talking. I love talking to retirees, mainly because they have so much experience in life worth sharing about. We started talking about work. Fred was also a chemist, a rarity because how many people do you meet who is a chemist? Then we started talking about relationships. Fred told me a lot of things I needed to hear. I felt good talking to him, not so hopeless in life after all. And he gave me a tip how I can instantly feel better.

Today evening, we had bachata class again after 4 months break. It really didn't feel that long. People say time flies when you are having fun. I beg to differ. Time flies equally as fast when you are in pain. The pain was elevated by people who care about me, the dog who loves me, the earth that shakes me, the boss that bugs me (ironically, work stress helps to ease emotional pain), so with all these it doesn't feel so painful anymore.

Compared to many moons ago, I am in much better shape now. So I am actually making progress. There are lesser outbursts, sleepless nights, almost no tantrums at all, almost completely rational, my appetite returned (my colleagues can testify to this), my love for shopping returned (these days I do online shopping a lot, I buy gym membership, food, lingerie, magazines, pole dancing class, facial treatment, even language courses, online), I love to dress up and make up once again, I enjoy meeting up with friends (previously all I wanted to do was cry at home). Remember, you are the sole creator of your reality.

Recently, the news reported that suicide cases in Malaysia are rising at an alarming rate. The most common for suicide is depression, and the main cause of depression is when a relationship comes to an end, and the person feel hopeless about life.

As an outsider, it is easy to judge these people who commit suicide. We blame them for not being able to think clearly, thus claiming their own lives, causing heartbreak for their family members and friends. In the case of Alviss Kong, if people has taken his post seriously within the 45 minutes before he took the downward plunge, could fate has been different?

Sometimes people just need you to be there in times of need. So far, no matter how depressed I am or how tempting the balcony looks, it never hit me to jump down.. because I hate myself looking ugly when I reach Ground 0.

When I am depressed and tell you about it, it usually means that I'm depressed. I won't tell you I am depressed just to grab attention. It means I need help. Sometimes, it's not that I need solution/advice. Do you think I don't know this guy is bad for me? I just need you to go through with me during my hardest times.. If the person chooses not to help me in my down times, chances are, I won't die because you didn't come to my rescue, but I will not confide to you anymore since you don't care.. This is how I lost faith in the cell members I supposedly trust.

Such a meaningful song..

Jesus, my passion in life is to know You
May all other goals bow down to this journey of loving You more
Jesus, You showered your goodness on me
Given Your gift so freely
But there's one thing I'm longing for

So hear my heart's cry and my prayer for this life
Above all else, above all else, above all else
Jesus, give me Yourself

Saviour, the more that I see your beauty
The more that I glimpse Your glory
My heart is captured by You
Jesus, You are my greatest treasure
Nothing this world can offer ever compares to You

So hear my heart's cry and my prayer for this life
Above all else, above all else, above all else
Jesus, give me Yourself

Since a few months back, I had people, colleagues, boss, friends I have not seen for some time coming up to me telling me how much weight I have lost. One co-worker posed a good question - Was the weight loss intentional or intentional? To which I told her that it is both. My secret is this:

Diligent workout at the gym + Emotional pain + dehydration (when you cry a lot you lose a lot of body water) + Imsomnia + diet and skipping meals (when I initially joined gym, but stopped doing so when i started having gastric problems)

I guess, without the emotional pain, my weight loss wouldn't have been successful. But trust me, it's not a good way to lose weight.

My chest sunk in till my rib cage can be seen (to this which Jo joked that I'm turning aneroxic), my waist lost a few inches.. but not a level that I'm satisfied. I'm going to change my workout routine tomorrow.

I should be blogging about what fun I had in Tokyo after few months of careful planning and anticipation on this trip. Instead, all the fun are clouded by the fact that on the third day I arrived Tokyo, one of the most historic and devastating triple combo of calamities consisting of earthquake + tsunami + nuclear crisis took place.

After spending the first day at Tokyo Disneyland, and the second at Tsukiji fish market, Hamarikyu gardens, Asakusa, Ueno and Shinjuku, on the third day we took out our itinerary and headed to Hakone to view Mt Fuji as planned. We took train to Shinjuku to purchase our Hakone Free Pass (it's not free BTW).

While in Tokyo itself I was clearly underdressed, I could only blame myself that I only brought a cardigan and a long john to keep me warm. If Tokyo's weather was around 8 - 10C, at Hakone it was 2C as a digital thermometer on top of a house/hut had shown.

After traveling from Shinjuku to Odawara by train, Odawara to Hakone-yumoto by bus, Hakone-yumoto to Hakonemachi by bus (visiting some pillars of pine on the way), At Hakonemachi, we bought hot grilled cuttlefish before cruising Lake Ashi on a "pirate" ship across to Togendai. At Togendai, we took cable car (of which the Japanese call it Ropeway for reasons I do not know) to Owakudani.

Owakudani was where my first encounter with earthquake. Bracing the cold weather, we walked out of the ropeway station, hoping to get some non existent free black eggs at a sulfur crater. As it was already 2.30pm, we decided to have lunch here. I remember very well, it was a pork don.

About 15 min into lunch, I looked at Jo to see if she could feel the tremors. I can't recall what exactly happened at that moment. What I remembered was that a guy sitting at the table next to mine wanted to run out, then the tremors stopped for a moment, before getting more vigorous. The dangling lights above us looked like they were about to fall on us. The hot water dispenser on the table were shaking too. Few seconds later, there was a strong jolt. This time round, I almost wanted to run away from the shop. Then it all stopped. I never felt so alive as such a time like this.

The restaurant staff tried to calm us down. Since Mt Fuji is still an active volcano and as visitors from a country without such natural disaster, , we thought tremors happened frequently around here, so we continued with lunch. From where I was sitting, I could see the cable car halted. It must have been scary up there.

After lunch, we were still persistent with our black eggs. We climbed some altitude, before being shooed away from officers. Other travelers who were also shooed away. We took some pictures of Fuji in the background.

Up to now, we were still oblivious to what had happened. Back to Okudawani station, a Chinese lady told us earthquake had happened and traffic in downtown Tokyo was bad. I slowly churned the information that such a thing would happen during my first trip to Japan.

As train system was practically down, there was no way we could go to Gotemba to check out the premium outlets, the only way was to head back down using the bus. From Togendai to Hakeno-yumoto, it took almost 3 hours that we decided to walk down to Hakeno-yumoto train station. Thankfully, it wasn't very far but it's not something just anyone will do in the pitch dark.

Hakone-yumoto train to Odawara was still working. Since we could not take train back to Shinjuku, we had dinner at this nice cozy place at Odawara with our new found friend from Hong Kong. After some warm noodles and gyoza, we shopped at this mart for 3 hours while waiting for the train to operate again. The worker at the mart was very kind that she allowed me to make a call back to Malaysia.

Finally at 1am, we managed to take train back to Shinjuku. When we reached Shinjuku at 4am, it was not all sweet either. Train back to the hotel I was staying at Nishi Kasai was not in operation at this hour. We slept a makeshift bed at Shinjuku station, along  with hundreds of Tokyo dwellers who like us, could not get back home. I could not really sleep at that kinda place, so I just watched Jo as she slept.

The adventure continues....

Last Friday I was at La Cocina with JL. Caught up with Haan.. It used to be so difficult to listen to his european accent. Most of the time, my attention will drift half way when he is talking to me.

This time, I could hear his accent better. Something was different with La Cocina this time. Difference with the ambience which I did not immediately realize.. My eyes are  no longer sore..

As much as Haan teaches me about dancing, he began to tell me that he quitted smoking after 25 years. He is now smoking electronic cigarette which is really, no cigarette at all..

I guess, when one is determined to change, he will do everything he can to change.. Change can happen..

Since the beginning of this year, I had one goal in mind. I wanted to run away from where I am now, because it's becoming too familiar to me.. For all my life, Klang Valley was all that I knew.. I had lived in Shah Alam, PJ Old Town, Kuchai Lama, Sri Sentosa and then coming back to Shah Alam.. The longest I ever left home was the 1 month when I went on the backpacking trip.. My soul longs for a change... A change so big that will turn my life around.. Yes,  I had been warned, it's not going to be easy.. "If you are not even happy here, what makes you think you will be happy elsewhere?" I agree with that to a certain extent but what makes me think I will be happy if I stay on for the next 10 years? I just wanted to give myself a chance.. and that involve taking a risk..

So I started doing my homework, I searched this and that website, decided to sit for English exam.. I know it's a long way to go and I am certainly making very slow progress.. How can I expedite this progress when I have to plan itinerary to go Tokyo, Seoul, Jogyakarta, Laos... That's not all, my tuition classes already takes up most of my time on Sunday.. Work is certainly not helping as by the time I get home, it's already almost 7pm.. and the last thing you have in mind to to begin another round of working.. Then at other times, gym which is very crucial to my physical health.. getting flat abs is one of my priorities this year. arghh, and I just bought this access to this language online website to learn spanish.. I've been wanting to learn spanish since started doing salsa..

PS; Tonigt I allow myself to crap a bit cos I slept poorly yesterday.. I dreamed that Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No1's new gf is a villain, and I was trying to warn him about it.. I guess, there's a part of me unwilling to let go..

All in all.. DISCIPLINE is the way to go..

Continuing from my last post about dealing with pain, it just amazes me how the brain works.. I have been going to Capsquare for many many times.. Most of the time, I went there with Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No2. But there were also times when I drove there on my own when Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No2 was away on his diving assignments..

But this time round as Joe drove, I completely had forgotten my whereabouts.. The roads looked very very familiar to me, but then they looked very much the same. It took us 1 hr to reach the place.. I was very "malu" to have wasted so much of Joe's petrol and time. I apologised profusely and was relieved that Joe will still keeping his cool.. Thankfully, he works in the Accidents and Emergency dept in the hospital, he probably knows how to handle this kind of scenario very well.

I believe the brain has a way of blocking unwanted memories.. Sure, dance was something that connected us, sure, Modesto's was where we spent a considerable amount of time together.. Also, there were also times that we skipped Modesto's to watch DVD on the yoga mat and drink soya bean added with protein powder (Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No2 is overly fetish about health).. So, I guess, in order to not remember all that, my brain has decided to remember what it wants to remember.. hence, causing my selective memory..