Journey of a Dream

The developments of late have caused me to be very frustrated, it certainly wasn't the way I thought it would be. One would expect a climb on the career ladder, I had no idea how the ladder could fall on me. I was hit enough by the pay cut in Jan, and despite that I went ahead with my long awaited trip to Hong Kong, Macau, Guangzhou, Foshan and Shenzhen. Throughout the trip I hardly heard terms like retrenchment, bankruptcy; what I saw was people living their lives as much as possible like the economic meltdown, financial crisis, whatever you call it, never hit us.

Shortly after CNY break finished, I received a fax informing me about training at LGM, what I have been waiting for for the past 1 year of working in Mech Chem. The road to LGM was tough, I woke up early every morning to brave the traffic to Jln Ampang. Finally, at the end of the one and a half weeks, I returned work with a renewed zeal.

The news came 2 days later that my dear boss decided to cut our working hours (and pay). The illogical thing was then he cut 1.5 hours from Mon to Thurs, and as for Friday, it would be a half day. From his point of view, samples still came by on Friday, but in my humble opinion, why put through all the employees the trouble of waking up and dragging ourselves off the bed on a Friday when he could make it 4 full working days and then Fridays are off? We still need to pay for petrol to come to work as per normal and yet our pay is being cut 20% (or more). The worse part was that he didn't even have the courtesy to tell me the news when I, the Lab Manager has the every right to know. Nevertheless, I confronted him and reasoned with him that this is not workable. I told him that despite the samples being less, I still have the same amount of work to do, if not more. There wasn't a conclusion that day, but at least I gave him my point of view.

This was not spoken about for the next 1 week as audit approached and I continued the days with increased frustration. Every morning, I would tell myself not to be frustrated, but at the end of each day, my emotions have overwhelmed me. The hours of tuition helped me to make up for my financial losses, but the reality of having to spend so much time teaching and preparing tuition worked me out. Worse, these tuitions didn't help me to elevate my quality of life. I still ate biscuits for lunch.

As sick as I am with the whole thing, I realise that all these could be a blessing in disguise, though it was a wrong decision made in the beginning. I believed my boss for all the promises he made, little did I know some of it were lies, and it made all the difference. Initially I wanted to stay here for 2 years, but the situation now has certainly speed up the process of me leaving this hell place.

Mr XXX, the external auditor, was looking through my training records before he remarked, "you have very good results, you are brilliant, what are you doing here?" I am very grateful by the kind words Mr XXX uttered to me. Over the past one year, I have not heard of my boss praising me or thanking me for my hard work. Every time he dropped by my room, it was to give me more work, if not to complain about something. He did not outrightly scold me, but nothing was simply good enough for him. It made me feel that I am not good enough, but in reality, the order for SRM has improved a lot since I came. I believed part of the reason was for the quality control that I did for all the rubber, which my boss will never know and will not bother to acknowlege.

I have great future ahead of me. This experience have certainly taught me great lessons in life, and I am grateful that I got them when I am 24 and not when I am 42. As for my boss, I finally came to understand how some people can be so hated as a famous cliche says, respect is earned.

Sometimes amazing gifts come in small packages, and sometimes they come wrapped in soft white and brown fur. So it was with Oreo.

He came to me when I least expected it - I was just 17, still in high school and excited about life. I have just embraced a new found love for little puppies because for the past 17 years of my life, I was afraid of dogs, just as my parents had warned me that they would chase and bite me. It came daunting enough that I was bitten a big stray dog, one that I tried to help in its depression and nurse back to cheerfulness.

But on that afternoon, a friend came to me and passed me a brown box, big enough to carry in my arms, but I was disinterested to find out what it was as I had just finished crying over some silly things. Nevertheless, I opened up the box and found a little shih tzu, slightly bigger than a guinea pig, looking at me. My eyes brightened up, and I let it run loose in my house.

Even then, Oreo, which had not been named at that time, ran about and played with me as though we had been friends for long time. Eventually, my little canine friend was named Oreo, and not Oldie, because it had white fur and dark brown fur and also, because Oldie sounded like Old Farts.

He hit his head on the couch countless times, and from then on, I questioned his IQ. How much did his little brain hold? When he lied down to rest, he looked like a pretty fur carpet. I was careful that I would not step on him. As days went by, Oreo proved that he failed obedience school like Marley did. All the corners of my house were tainted with his pee and how much joy did he had humping my soft toys.

My house was now almost a zoo. With fish, 3 tortoises, 13 hamsters and a dog, my parents complained of bad smell and bad hygiene. While others were busy studying, I was busy bathing my hamsters, bringing them to the vet when they were sick and dogsitting Oreo. It broke my heart when my little hamsters died. I watched them play the wheels, eat the corns and cabbages and some died of brutal deaths. One was bitten by a sibling, another suffocated herself, and my favourite, Tammy was accidentally squashed to death by my mum when he ran away. Oreo had a huge curiosity bite, played with my hamsters like they were some aliens.

Nonetheless, Oreo was with my faithfully through the years, through the weekends. Though he is now almost 8 years old, lost some of the vigor he used to have, he scores 100% on the loyalty scale. He waits for me at the door forlornly, and jumps at me the moment I get back. Just like humans, Oreo has his temperaments. He knew that when I changed my clothes, I would go out and hence he would ignore me until I came back. He is painfully afraid of thunders and rollercoaster rides. Once, I found him hiding at a corner somewhere due to the sounds of thunder. Oreo, like the male species, have a problem with odour. Despite stinking badly, I allow him to sleep on the bed with me and play with my bolster. I feel uneasy without the Oreo smell on my bed.

My parents told me that this ain't a dog who takes care of your house but that's ok. Some dogs are put on this Earth just to love you.

Letchumi and Yoges (not their real names) must be sneezing all the way in the morning yesterday. Nope they were not in the office, they were either at home or performing some rituals at the temple due to deepavali. Yet the moment I walked into the recording section, Ms Saw (not real name) was bombarding me with all sorts of misdeeds Letchumi did. Letchumi sent wrong parcels to Singapore. Letchumi could not look at people when people were talking to her. Letchumi starts packing at 4.30pm everyday, oblivious of the work that needs doing. Letchumi did this, Letchumi did that.

Before I could escape the room, Fatimah (not her real name), who had been having rows with Yoges for over 10 years, started feeding me with Yoges' misdeeds, how she bergayut on the phone. How her phone calls are due to her ineffectiveness in handling her work. How her clients from the same company are calling her 10 times a day asking for the same thing, and hence, making her look busy when she really isn't. Just then, the phone rang. It was for Yoges but since she was not around, I had to deputise her work and that would include picking up her calls. It was the 5th call of the day and it was only 11am. I was growing weary and tired of making up for her ineffective work. I was frustrated with the both of them in my heart. I was on the verge of diving in the conversation.

Ms Saw couldn't agree more and threw a few more arrows at Yoges. I could no longer keep quiet. The more I kept quiet, the more I would be regarded as sitting on the fence. The fence is the most dangerous place to stand. But I wasn't in the same position as them. If I was to say something, it better be for the betterment of the company. Afterall, I am the so called manager and I am responsible for my subordinate's behaviors. I nodded a number of times, and then suggested ways how we could improve our work. But they were just not ready to give up. They went on and on.

After getting my business done there, I escaped to the sanctity of my room. Backstabbing, gossip, bad-mouthing...I suddenly remembered what the Bible said about it. The tongue is the most dangerous organ in the body. If we do not control it, it will control us. I am glad I fled.

What am I doing at 12am in the morning? I just have too many thoughts.

1. I am still thinking about Chow Chow and MC. If the story is true, I really admire Chow Chow and MC for sharing their life to the point of death. Unfortunately it only happens in dramas cos in real life...

2... people might not even want to listen when you want to share your heart out cos ppl simply don't care such that I have shed a few tears or two that....

3... I can't wait to pack my bags and leave for Abu Dhabi. LK officially invited me today. I want to bathe in the mud of Dead Sea and if I am constantly unhappy, I rather be unhappily rich than be unhappily poor for...

4... at least when I am unhappily rich, I can indulge in shopping therapy that always make me feel better. I don't have to decide whether I want a High Sierra backpack or a Samsonite luggage cos I can have both which reminds me...

5... that there are better times ahead; such as my much awaited Hong Kong trip in Jan and Bali trip in Jul and probably a Dubai and Abu Dhabi trip in Dec, which by then, I hope I can secure a job in some cari gali petroliam company which makes me bucket- loads- of- money rich...

6... which comes with a price, which is to be tanned till I get that hitam manis look which LK said I can bathe in a bathtub of SKII to make my skin fair again...

7...so rich that I can bring Mum and Dad to migrate there (if they do not mind the culture differences). I want to sponsor my girlfriends to come here every year. When SL is so sick of her patients she can come and recuperate and when Jol is tired with her job, she can come here to rejuvenate with shopping therapy...

8... But that makes me think, how about my dear Oreo? My church and the vision? My past and everyone and everything I've ever loved?

9... Maybe then I need Ps Mike to minister to me. Cos I feel cheated and so disappointed with someone whom I thought cared but turns out to be just any Tom, Dick and Harry. But I suppose when someone can conveniently forget me when my heart cries out to them, why should I remember?

10. But this time I promise not to fall and drink my sorrows away cos I know that this is not permanent cos Jesus cares for every tear I have shed. There will be a rainbow tomorrow. There will be a smile.

What am I doing 5am in the morning? Having slept so late I can't sleep still? What am I gonna tomorrow? I am gonna be a zombie but boss won't take that as a reason. At 5am in the morning I wish to disappear into the thin air and never to return again. I am not as strong as I preach to be. But I am learning. Maybe that is the way God chastises His little preacher in S8 - whatever I've preached I've to learn and live twice as much. Maybe it's the last point - patience and prayer. Whatever that is I am discouraged. But quoting myself, I can't stay in that disappointment too long. "When you are going through hell, don't stop." I'm not sure how that is suppose to work but I guess a strong person is a person who can encourage himself/herself.

So I am feeling sick at heart and what is the reason? The thing is I don't even know what exactly is that. I feel guilty for feeling but the day I cease to feel is the day I cease to be a human. I am not that mood cloud walking around - that's good enough right?

Again, I've said nobody wants to be a Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30. Nobody wants to turn old overnight. But for a little moment I wish I have come to the end of my life - where God praises me to be a good and faihtful person.

I've almost always followed rules. When it is time to sit I sit. When it's time to stand I stand. I follow by the book. I almost cried when others cried. I am that mechanical.

But I think I know. I am disgusted with myself. I long for someone to surprise me on my birthday. But this year a SMS surprised me. I was supposed to pay for my birthday dinner. So on my birthday morning I cried on Jol's bed. The night before the were no surprises. Only bacardi to drown my sorrows away. There were only Jol and I. As always.

When I wake up at 7am I expect no one to comfort me. Only a panda on the mirror to greet me. I long to love and be loved in return. Maybe God has destined the one to be Oreo. Is that all? Ok I am supposed to encourage myself. A song repeatedly minister to me. It's called "Hosanna" and I particularly like the bridge. Here it goes:

I have no appetite since this morning. I ate a piece of kuih lapis which TK bought from Jakarta, and then I couldn't take any more in. Now I force myself with an orange. I really need the sugar and fiber. Ok maybe I am amplifying my emotions. The drama queen is back so what is the reason?

Maybe to the fact that my friends are away from me in far far away lands. More than 10 coursemates of mine are in Singapore. Not that I really care, but one of the dearest I had is there. Friendships are never the same again. I can't get through the names enough. In a nutshell, my friends are spread all over the world. Steph and Jinny in UK, bro is going to Dubai to work, Jolene says she wants to go NZ/Aussie... the list goes on and on.

At the end of the day, I still have my family and Oreo with me. That thought is comforting enough. Personally, I have the same thoughts to leave too. But in the end, I did not. I decided that should I leave, it is due to the right motive.

Few years back, I was very against ppl leaving, especially church. I felt that with a vision so good, why would anyone leave? As years went by, I began to see more things and find that people are generally not satisfied. Most will say that Malaysia is going the drains, and there is no fair opportunities for us with this skin colour. Lately I was reading a friend's blog, she spent 5 years in Ireland doing medicine. In the end, Ireland was more like a home to her than Malaysia. She is not a Malaysian to begin with, but I remember her being so passionate and assimilated into the culture. She used talk to every Tom, Dick and Harry but this time when I saw her at the lobby, she looked so asing and uncomfortable.

Ok until here I do not know how to continue. I shall add something later.