Journey of a Dream

Disappointed.. That's all that I am feeling right now. We lost it so undignified!! For a few moments, the very words that I wrote at the BAT assessment that day, "Never give up," rung in my ears in that reluctant encouragement to myself. I have to practise what I preach. I should not give up, never. But the pain stuck close to my heart. So stupefied because of all the hard work put in, it has all come to nothing, not even a chance to use what I have so painstakingly studied. I told myself again and again that it was the participation and experience that matter most, not winning or losing. But the pain remains. Without talking to anyone and seemingly oblivion to anyone's presence or anything else, I drove home at 130kmh. I can't remember driving at this speed since I shifted here. I couldn't help myself but to allow myself an outburst of tears. It lasted 30 seconds. Hard word does not guarantee winning, we need a little more luck.

Luck.. what exactly is it? I have got no idea. All I know, I've been in my worst for the last 3 years to such an extent I stopped believing in myself. Due to job hunting, I had once again taken out all the certificates I have accumulated over the years. Each of it brings back sweet memories and I thought, 'was it me?' I remember the joyful glee when my name was read out, when I have done one of the best for physics competition. Then at another instance, I was handpicked to represent my school for the chemistry quiz. The word 'distinctions' stands proudly on that certificate. Where is that girl who was once so smart? Has she become stupid? All the 7 semesters have fall short under my expectations. I earned many A's, but all the C's and D's made up the difference. It then makes me an average, a word I am really not accustomed to. Alas, vanity is vanity.

Then, yesterday, I got an unexpected call. Having slept late doing a table for missionaries finals the night before, I was still in deep sleep when I heard the vibration. In my sleepiness I heard that I have passed the BAT assessment. Not only that, I was told that I was the only one who passed in that group of about 15 people, among whom chosen from thousands of people who sent in the resumes weekly. I was elated to the extent that after I broke the news to my parents I could not go back to sleep. Yesterday, I was on top of the hill. Today I am back to the valley. It's a rollercoaster ride.