Confession of a drama queen - Episode 2
I realize that there's always something to write...cos I feel all the time. The irony is... I've been stuck at home every day for the past few weeks with nothing to see and no one to talk to, yet I still feel. Don't be mistaken. I am no artist so I do not need to feel to get inspiration. Yes... I am a scientist. I only need to memorize the facts and make potions in the right proportions. That is it..
Maybe it's good... having the whirlwinds of emotions... to know at least I'm alive.
My post entitled Confession of a drama queen had sounded depressing. With this, I am happy to announce that I am ready to put the unhappy episode behind me. There is no future in the past. There is no point whining and complaining all the time. Nothing gets achieved by that. And no one likes to hang out with a person who's upset all the time. But then I'm going to work things one at a time, I'm not going to push myself again.
I decided to be in peace terms with God again. I can't EXACTLY remember all the grudges I hold against God. This is one of the rare times when it is good that my memory fails me. Mid way through the whole ordeal, while my spirit was grieving like what the Bible calls "...a broken spirit dries up bones (Prov17:22)," I could hear the Holy Spirit gently calling me. One morning in my routine of hogging the computer once I wake up (yes, I'm a computer geek), I opened an email by the PKV Yahoo Group. Someone had posted a story, and tears began to roll down. Someone had asked, "Where are you God?" In the story, the angel revealed that God was there all along. There were many similar stories as such, I hadn't plan to read it, but the Holy Spirit has His way of speaking to me. Guess I am not that damnable after all. I still do not have the answers for my many questions. Questions like, "Why have you created someone so dumb, so out of place and never seem to get it right?" I despised myself. One day after I had a hangover, I passed by a big metal chain hanging on the ceiling of a building, I had a thought of hanging myself. It must have been the devil. The angel in me said, "If you have the courage to hang yourself, why can't you have the courage to live?" I walked faster and closed the door behind. I am a babe once again, at least I am on the right track.
To begin the journey, I could do help with a lot of encouragement. Anyone with me, please? People may think I am weak, I don't care. I am just honest. Thank you *with a bow* =)
10:21 am
well, at one point in my life, i felt very down and depress, never smile for a few days. i did express my anger to God in writing it in my diary. then i begin to worship God and tears just non stop flowing from my eyes.
at the end of the day, i just cant deny that He is still the great I AM. He will not despise my broken heart and contrite spirit. and then once again He lift me up!
you never appear to me to be weak, and i say that you are strong, courageous and the Holy Spirit is with you always.
1:14 pm
thank you for your encouragement. I guess everyone goes through that at some point of our lives. Only that never allow it to be too long.
with this whole thing, there are a lot of priorities re - adjusted. One thing lacking in me is that I had problem trusting in His character; His sovereign and unchanging nature. Worse, I wasn't really convinced that He loves me. I've to learn to fall into His arms again. Profound truth that is not easy to do =)
12:01 pm
I think everyone has their down and depressing times. Sometimes i feel like i have not enough strength to go on... But what kept me going is God, without Him i would have fallen and never got back up. Many times i fell, He was there to pick me up. A tough journey, but made easier with Him by my side, walking through each step with me. You can do it dear, continue walking.. you're almost there. Don't give up ;)