Journey of a Dream

free images+choices pics on Sodahead

So, yesterday went well. I managed to go all 6 places I intended to go. Well and beyond.

1. At the PTPTN office, I was sent back and forth to Level 6, then to Level 11 and then finally to Level 8. As usual, nobody seems to know anything to settle my problem immediately. Apparently, there is this promotion for those who finish paying their PTPTN in one lump sump by this year. They backdated the interest calculation from 2008 to 1% instead of 3%. So, I got some discount and instead of me having to pay them, I actually overpaid them. That's a nice and pleasant surprise.

2. Next, I went to AusAsia and met up with the consultant. At this point, I realise I should have come here earlier because the impending deadline of July 2012 is very near. This is the whole reason for my weary heart. The questions that plagued my mind all the way are these:

a. Do I really want it?
b. So, if I really want it, do I want to spend the BIG $$$ to get it? Accordingly, if I am willing to pay that amount, there is 99.9% chance of me getting it provided I choose to take up their service. In order for me to pay them, I will have to be in massive debt which I really do not desire since I had just painstakingly paid of my study loan. If I choose not to take up their service, I have only 50% chance of getting it.
c. So, if I get it, is there a guarantee that of happiness?

3. Kompleks Mahkamah Petaling Jaya - Done what I intended to do.

4. Register IELTS at IDP - the lady who attended to me was rude, service sucks but no choice since registering with IDP comes with a book. With British Council, I will have 30 hours of online help. I prefer having a physical book to read.

5. Meeting at Cyberjaya - Didn't go that well. I wasn't that desirable and so is the other party.

6. Errands at Ministry of Foreign Affairs at Wisma Putra, Putrajaya - Not very cekap, certified true copies of a few pieces of paper took more than an hour

For the most part of my life, I led a sedentary lifestyle. As a kid, the most that I did was to sprint. I wasn't into competitive sports. So when I started salsa in 2009, my tummy was already bulging in front of me. I wasn't heavy, just about 50kg, but my waistline could almost match a guy.

Then the quest for fitness started. Maybe by listening "someone" telling me all the time that gym is a religion, the belief got into me and that is how my gym membership started. Just in a matter of a few months, I started to see my weight dropping. I don't really know if I can credit this to my gym membership or the things that I went through as I was severely dehydrated from all the tears. The physical pain that I put on my body to train did not seem like anything when compared to the pain I felt deep inside.

Soon enough, people around me started to notice my smaller frame. Lady Di commented on it. SuSu commented on it. A few ladies in the office commented on it. Even some guys in my company commented on it. Jo commented on it and when I told her I could see my rib cage now, she said I'm aneroxic. I can't count how many people who actually noticed. Whomever they are, I loved the comments they gave me. In fact, I became inspiration for many women and I would gladly give them advice

My work pants could no longer hold my smaller hips that I had to alter them. I love it. But at this point, I was getting a bit lazy with gym. Work and other commitments got a hold on me. The frequent holidays didn't help either as each time I had to start again all over. By now, I was no longer as rigid with my diet.

Then, I really want to end the year well. I want to see flat tummy, less cellulite (of course, the most ideal will be no cellulites at all). I bought a shorts that could not fit me by accident. My aim is to fit in that shorts which I have yet to do so.

All in all, it was a big paradigm shift from Jim to gym (pun intended).

This Friday is an extremely important day for me.

It's THE DAY I finally strike study loan debt out of the list.
It's THE DAY I will discuss M opportunities with a "consultant."
Then I have to go to Cyberjaya and Putrajaya.
From here I can get cheap air tickets.
If the day goes well, then I go and sign up for a very important exam, which is a gateway to the big M.

The other day, I was reading about Dr Paul Brand, a physician who spent much of his life in medical research for the improvement of lives of leprosy patients. He was the first physician to explain that leprosy does its damage by destroying nerve endings, and when nerve endings are destroyed, patients lose their sensation of pain which made them susceptible to injury. While people are trying to get rid of pain, Dr Paul Brand spent millions of dollars trying to create the sensation of pain for his leprosy patients. In this, Dr Paul Brand introduced a different perception about pain and pleasure: Pain, despite its negative perceptions about it, can be a gift and may even be essential. Thus, together with Philip Yancey, he has authored a book entitled "The Gift of Pain". I will get a hold on this book when I can.

On a side note, my pilate instructor, Jezzalyn, said something that rung heavily in my head. She said while all of us were tucking our bellies with a seksa face, "If you are not in pain, you are not getting it."

 

Reflecting my life this year, 1 theme prevailed above all. If it was about anything, it was about the lack and loss of HOPE. After losing a certain someone,  I wanted to detach from my past and run away from my current geographical location, whatever that reminded my of my failures. I deleted SMSes that reminded me of that, I neglected gifts that he gave me, I threw things away in my room which I deemed taking up too much space, which included items like books, bags, clothes, etc. This throwing things act is what I call a need to de-clutter. In reality, what I need is a "mind de-clutter" to clear things up in the head and decide what I really want.  My weekends mostly consisted of "resting from burnouts" and "gathering my mind" which resulted from a "struggling career". However, these rest I got from weekends never really came out to any decisions.

Slowly but surely, I lost passion in the things that used to matter to me. My dancing session was reduced to only attending classes. As for social dancing, I could only be seen dancing once a month, if any at all. I used to visit the mall regularly and had a hard time resisting my temptation to spend, but I have cut down my mall visits to maybe just once a month simply because I was disinterested. I stopped drinking coffee at my favourite Starbucks joints. To avoid deciding what to wear to work everyday, I have lined them up in a way that I will wear them on rotation. I stopped going out on Saturday nights for any booze at all. I only caught up with friends who wanted to meet up with me and didn't get initiative with my friendships. I realize, all these were saving me a lot of money, but deep inside me, I felt hollow.

I didn't know what I could do to make me feel better, but somehow, I have developed an affinity for reading poignant stories of miraculous survivals and breakthroughs in the face of difficulties and hopelessness. Two notable ones are the stories of Liz Murray and Jaycee Lee Dugard. These stories tell me that despite whatever people go through or what kind of slumdog background people come from, somehow, with courage and persistence, and an attitude of never giving up, somehow, things will turn out fine.

Despite my failing mental health with bouts of imsomnia and depression, things turned out better than I thought. I was euphoric after receiving the letter yesterday, even though the euphoria lasted me just for a day before my mind asks the next BIG QUESTION. Do I still want the BIG MOVE now? Is there a guarantee that better life lies ahead when I take the BIG MOVE? The truth is that there is no guarantee... and it might be just another chasing after the wind. It might not be the panacea that I am looking for the gaping spiritual hole that I have.

So, I turn to books again. This time, it's a book on Christian missions. Tales of people who go into dangerous mission fields where they faced persecution and house arrests. Tales about people who give up their own comfort to meet the needs of less fortunate children caught in slavery and prostitution. As I read the book, I realize I could be fired up in my Christian faith again in the area of compassion. For too long, compassion have been known to be feeling provoking but not act inducing. I figure too that I had been to selfish to my own needs. If I focus on other people's needs, that may be the panacea to my own problems and mental war. So I will take small steps to check out what I can do.

Being lost is bad, and I hate seeing my friends lost too.. especially when they have weird beliefs like existentialism.

In Band Perry's If I Die Young, the song sounds very morbid yet so meaningful. Life is making the best at what you've got.

Ok this is the end of my Saturday night and another "gathering my mind" session.

For the third time this week, I worked late.

Monday 9.30 pm, extra 3 hours 45 minutes
Wednesday 7.55pm, extra 2 hours 10 minutes
Thursday 9.05pm, extra 3 hours 20 minutes

If I add all these up, that would make a day's work. I didn't want to do it, I just had to because there 20 items in my to - do list, and I know if I don't strike up items in the list, new things would just come in everyday. Mind you, these 20++ items are not my routine work to get "ester" going, they are "extra" work that has accumulated over the past few months, and if I don't do it right away, they just get harder to do.

All kinds of negative thoughts conjure up in my mind everyday, but with the additional hours when I am physically tired, I start to lose my mind.

|Why am I doing all these extra hours beyond my working hours? Is my pay RM5k a month? Am I being paid overtime? Do I get extra bonus?

All I get is a mean boss who doesn't appreciate me at all. All I get is crappy appraisal. All I get is being bullied by her and her accomplice. All I get is frequent burn out episodes and cases of insomnia which are happening more frequently these days. I can't even go gym, cell group, earn extra income.. It really eats into my personal time but if I don't do it, people will complain that I am incompetent...

Do they really know how much I am handling? Plant 1 is running at bullet train speed. Plant 2 is picking up. This year, the quantity of product is almost twice of last year. Which means, twice product forms, twice footnote, twice outgoing BLC, twice lab technician problems, more customer complaints... Besides this, I still have to develop methods, answer Sales and Marketing Queries, answer Technical Service queries, source for external lab services as there are ever more new testing requirements from customers, help R&D team with their queries, help other site labs to do ad hoc testing. Just last week, no brainer boss added 3 additional instruments into my lap. When I asked her, the reason that she gave me is because I am PIC for "ester" and so happen these few instruments fall under "ester".

People say, "If you are not happy, don't complain. Just tender the letter." True, in fact, I have prepared the letter which is sitting in my personal folder. But how I am gonna go through the remaining 3 months when every single day is hellish...

Music has a way to connect the soul. Isn't is true that some songs just remind you of certain someone or certain season in your life? Secondhand Serenade's Fall For You reminds me about this guy from another church that I had a crush on when I just came out working. Shakira's Hips Don't Lie reminds me of Joe cos the club played this song during the only time we went to Poppy's together. I'll Missing You and How Do I Live Without You remind me of high school days. Of course, Faye Wong's －执迷不悔 and Broken Hearted Women remind me of my primary school days. I was a huge Faye Wong's fan!

One of those earlier days after dance practice while listening to the female version of When You Say Nothing At All in his car, I secretly wished that he would serenade me with this song with his soulful voice. From that day onward, I imagine myself walking down the aisle with him. On our wedding dinner, we would perform our Salsa - Bachata first dance. Well, of course, that never took place.

Apart from that song, a song that immediately connected with my pain was The Band Perry's If I Die Young. When the thing just happened, when I could not accept it yet, this song played on the radio on the way home after work, streams of tears flowed in a gush. It wasn't just the meaningful lyrics of how, "Funny, when you're dead people start listening." It was that song just connected with my feelings. Listening to this song, it reminded of how EXACTLY I felt at that time... the need to run away from my pain. I remember sitting in front of my laptop looking for migration opportunities.

Because... I could not deal with my pain. I could not deal with the realization that I would never drink another glass of his protein drink. The realization that we would never again walk in the streets of Bangsar for lunch. The realization that we would never drive to the laundry shop ever again pick up his laundry. I would never again step foot into True Fitness Hartamas to wait for him to finish his gym session. That I would never again see him pack his clothes into the tiny luggage he uses for his frequent travels. The realization that we would never again sit together on his yoga mat. The realization that I would never again sit on his balcony enjoying the view of the new Istana Negara. It was the last of the last, not like the previous times when we had arguments but made it up after that.

I wanted to run away so much.. so in conclusion, this song just reminded the sole thing I wanted to do to get away from my pain which is to run away. So many months on, I haven't really done much for the thing I promised myself to do. Despite this song reminding me of pain, it also reminds me of my sole mission and help me to be focused to achieve it.

It's kinda ironic how holidays can make one feel tired when the original idea of a trip is to rejuvenate oneself. The more holidays I went, the more tired I became. I spent many hours pre - trip researching information with regards to the trips.. going to embassy to get visa done. Then I also spent many hours working for money to go on those trips. During the trips, I get exhausted because I maximize every possible hour when I am at the foreign country. Even during flights, I would read up more information, in case there is anything that I might have missed out. Coming back, I could only afford a few hours rest because the next day I had to go to work. So many times, I was drained up physically and emotionally. The trips were simply too demanding and too much to sacrifice for.

At some point in life, I believed that my existence on earth was to travel around the world. Today, that belief seems too shallow to me. Since I don't quite like work, travel is the nemesis of it and of late, I am not ashamed to admit it. Like duh... who does?

That is just the half truth.. The whole truth is that "I don't like my work at this moment, there had been better times, and there will certainly be times in the future I will put in my best... It's just that, it just kinda suck right now."

Which means, I believe I am capable, because I was capable in the past, I am sure I can repeat those feats again. I can spend hours and hours pouring into work with enthusiasm and passion, and money, reward and appreciation are the by - products of my efforts and passion.

Sure, I love to travel. Sure, I love to dance. Sure I love Oreo. Sure I love to go to the gym.. these are also passions inseparable of who I am. But work provides me with some sort of satisfaction and defines my self - worth. So at the end of the day, I still need to work which means, I am not really the housewife material.

Having said that, it does not mean that I agree to the idea of househusbands. I somehow don't see myself taking the active role of breadwinner by waking up to work every morning, while my hubby prepares breakfast, gets ready the dinner, babysit the kids and tuck them to bed and by the time I reach home, they are already asleep.

So I suppose, balance is the keyword here.

I can't sleep without writing this post. About a month and a half ago, I bought this book while shopping at Chitta Mall at Ara Damansara. Some time ago, I read Robert Kiyosaki's Rich Dad Poor Dad, which was equally as expounding, but at that time my working life has just begun, so I did not give much of a thought.

However, this time round, I chewed on this book as if it has life's treasures in it. I started reading this book less than a month ago, but I have yet to finished because I was taking my time to note down all the important points which are... too important to miss.

To some, the subject of financial freedom seem unattainable and far fetched. It was exactly the reason that after I read Rich Dad Poor Dad, I did nothing much about it. Actually, over the past 2 years, I did put some actions like attending seminars to gain some financial education, but other than that, I didn't actually start investing. The reason? I have no bucks for investment.

But now, I have a renewed zeal. I understand now that before I can earn big bucks, I need to have the millionaire mindset for it. In the past, I used to think that rich people are filthy, and they acquire their big bucks through their filthy ways. Today, I understand that these thoughts are stumbling blocks to whom I want to be. I also used to think that money is not important, this is also crappy.

To really understand what I mean, one has to really read the book.. I am usually a skeptic, but there's just so many truths in it.. if only one chooses to believe.

The fears I had lately had caused me anxiety. I was easily agitated, moody, restless, tensed up and at times, could not even sleep.

Firstly, it was the worry that what if my Jogja budget was blown up? I had precisely 1 million rupiah for 2 days and was worried that this might not be enough. In essence I am not that reckless, I had a buffer of 100 USD in case I needed more, or there is always credit card and use the tactic we did in Bali when money ran out. True enough, I spent precisely 1 million with my last two purchases of a batik robe for mom and kuih lapis. So I am over this fear.

Another fear that mushroomed the past few days that caused me to be weary is that my consistent student of almost a year now announced that he was stopping tuition because he wanted to study medicine. I somehow had planned to pay off PTPTN using my income from tuition, and with his announcement, my dream seem dashed. I told myself to be calm as there is a reason for everything that happens, and it is always for the better. I stayed calm and collected, and few days later my student told me he is continuing with his A Levels. So this fear has subsided too.

So, the third fear, was the fear of insecurity. Strange as it sounds, this is the first time that I do not feel secure being in PORK. If there is any weakness in PORK, it never crosses my mind that it is insecurity. But after my appraisal, I somewhat feels that this is all a conspiracy. And fear begins to grip me. Nobody really believe that I can do what I said I will do. But then again, when nobody believes in you, the least you can do for yourself is to believe in yourself.

I feel anxious... I am desperate to leave this place... But I haven't found a better option... and bonus time is not here yet. Another 5 more months. Can it be any more miserable?

For few days now, I have this imaginary conversation that runs through my mind again and again.. I imagine having a closed door meeting with Mr GM. He will try to "dig" from me what is the reason for my leaving, not as if he has not already known.. In my current emotional self, I want to tell him that Kite sucks, and she has this conspiracy to make me miserable.

I want to tell him one by one how Kite wronged me. How S&M will request something from her, she will sit on it a few days, when S&M chase her, she will demand to do it IMMEDIATELY. How rude she is. How she just doubts me. How un-knowledgeable she is about the subject matter. How micro she is..How she is the catalyst for my leaving.. But in the end, I just feel that there is no point in bad - mouthing a person. After all, that will leave me in a bad light, which makes things worse. Nevertheless, truth must be told. A soft version of the truth maybe.

So, if I imagine the conversation will go on something like this:

Mr GM: So finally, after our discussion that day, you decided to tender resignation?

Me: Yes, I think that is the best thing to do right now. I thank you for the opportunities that you, Lady Di and Ms Beautiful gave me. I really learned a lot from you guys. It was a truly enriching experience. And there are also a lot of people that I will miss here. But then I think this is the best thing to do now.

Mr GM: Why, are things so bad around here?

Me: Honestly, I come to work to learn and to contribute. And to get rewarded. I think all these are closely related. Since I am rated just rated "average", maybe I don't deliver enough value. Ever since you talked to me, I started putting in more effort, but in the end, things just didn't improve. In the end, I just got demotivated and unhappy.

Mr GM: Hmm, actually I can see that you put in a lot of effort. I thought things have improved between the 2 of you?

Me: No boss, what you see is actually on the surface. I tried to make things work. I put in more effort and become more tolerable. But in the end, things just didn't work. I guess, the both of us just have incompatible personalities to work together.

The conversation could just end here, or it could just go on.

Mr GM: Actually, it'll be the same everywhere you go. There are always difficult people to work with.

Me: Yes, I agree to that, but at the rate I am going, I don't think I'm happy. I have been unhappy since last year. But after the appraisal, I just decided that it is time to leave.

Mr GM: What was wrong with the appraisal?

Me: Well, I think that it was unfair that I didn't even have the opportunity to appraise myself unlike the previous year. She just decided that I was only worth that value. But I didn't say anything then cos I just felt that there is no point. In my humble opinion, people should be given the credit for doing the extra mile, but in this case, it is not appreciated. But I tell myself it is ok, I will find someone who will appreciate my value.

Mr GM: (Deep in thoughts and hopefully he feels the loss of a good employee)...

I don't know how this conversation will end.

Lady Di was about 30km away at the HQ. But today, I decided to Skype her. I asked her if the right procedure is to give the opportunity to an employee to appraise herself and then the boss amends it later. She said yes.. I told her I didn't even have that chance. 2 days ago, on the 3rd of August, which is precisely 2 years since I started work at PORK, Kite asked me to go to her room. Surprise birthday party is common. Surprise proposal is common (duh, when is proposal not a surprise?). But have you ever heard of surprise appraisal? More like an instant one as she had to submit to relevant authorities on that day.

She explained to me the points in the appraisal. In summary, I was rated "average". She said I had potential and that I have great ideas that are actually workable. She said my reports are very good and she could see that I had put in a lot of effort to stay back late to make sure work are done. But in my mind, I was thinking, how come this is not reflected in my points? So for all that I have done, I am just "average"... I wanted to defend myself. I wanted her to see the good things I have done.. but then, when a person already has a negative perspective about you, there is no amount of words that will cause her to give me more marks. So I continued sitting at the "berlakon" session until 1.5 hours passed. I came out of the room depressed and demotivated. I suddenly felt like a stupid fool for all the times I stayed back late. In fact, there were times I stayed till 9ish when it's dark and dangerous to walk to carpark. But I was dedicated. But in the end, I was just "average". Honestly, deep in my heart, I don't really believe that I am average. My philosophy is that EVEN if anyone is average but if he takes the effort to try to do things well, he should be awarded the credit.

Many thoughts are running through my mind, I find the need to search deep within myself and analyse what went wrong. I talked to few people I'm close with. My mind is quite creative,  I somehow came up with the thought that this is a conspiracy to get rid of me. Kite needs me now, but why is she treating me like this? The way I see it, she does not see that my work is of good value to her, and hence I am only "average".

I set a new KPI.. latest by 31st December the "letter" will land on her table. Since I do not deliver value and is not appreciated, why stay? Mr GM will tell me that everywhere you go is the same, you will face difficult bosses. I agree with him, but if staying here means permanently unhappy, why not I take the risk? At least if I take the risk, I can either be happy or unhappy.

One of the people I talk to about this is 7th Aunt. She's been a boss before and she is a lecturer now. She told me how she will never simply appraise her subordinates because this will affect their livelihood. She will also marks her students papers properly because this will determine whether they graduate or not. Anyway, that is besides the point. More importantly is that she struck a very important point. She said something to the effect that I have been talking about leaving PORK for some time already, I talk a lot but there is no action. It's true... And my next post is a reflection on that.

2 years ago, precisely 3rd Aug 2009, I landed my feet at PORK for my first day at work. A career would soon form here, for a period of 2 years at least.

On the first day itself, I didn't feel happy. My first impression was that this lab was really old. Went to see Lady Di. She brought me around the lab and showed me the things I needed to know. A more senior chemist took me for lunch at the canteen that day at the "instruction" of Lady Di. After a week of running through documents in the department folder which I had no slightest inkling, 1st in command Ms Beautiful gave me my first project, which was to create this S&M information pack for a new product that is used to make pearlescing effect in shampoos, etc.

This project somehow created a good rapport with Ms Beautiful. She was impressed with my Power Point slides. Soon, more projects landed on me. But at the lab, I had problems. The 2 more senior chemists were good friends, and they detested me. I had a lot of difficulty getting things done, but somehow, the tough environment made me strong, and I excelled even more. Lady Di and Ms Beautiful entrusted more things into my lap. Fate somehow changed things. The 2 senior chemists decided to fight with each other, and the most senior one, somewhat became my ally.

So after working for 1 year, I got my reward in the form of a good appraisal, and eventually a good increment. But again, fate got twisted. Ms Beautiful got promoted and moved on to the headquarters. As for Lady Di, she got promoted too. But a few months after that, she got transferred out. And then Kite moved in.

And then my misery begins again.. My next post follows up on this..

One of the people that tells truth straight to my face is SL, even though I think her of being too direct and sometimes, for having the facts wrong. But when she told me, " why do you always complain no money when you always go on holiday?" She was right on that. I think no one can be more frank than her. Sometimes what she says jolt me out to reality, at other times, nature just takes its course until I learned my lesson, such as when the painful emotional roller coaster ride with Unofficial Ex-boyfriend No2 took place. She warned me, but I did not heed her advice. One thing, that SL would not hesitate to take a swipe on me is how I spend my money.

I admit, I don't fare quite well in that sector and has very little discipline in it. The bad thing about me is that I remember my 16 digit credit card no, with the additional 3 no. What is wrong with me that despite my failing memory, I can remember all the 19 digits. And the effect is disastrous.

The Seoul episode is behind me now. Things went 90% as planned. There were hiccups here and there, but I think I did a pretty good job at planning the whole trip. Sometimes, there was fear in me. What if Bee Won Guesthouse suddenly did not have a room for me? What if Tour DMZ and Nami forgot my reservations? I know, for the slightest mistake that I do, I would be reprimanded, not through physical beating, but endless audio abuse that I have to bear. True enough, I can't remember a single day in that 6 days that I did not get scolding and nagging and complaints.

"What? I came all the way to see this tunnel?"

"The museum is boring."

"What? I traveled all the way by bus just to see this fortress?"

For the first few days, I just tried to bear it like I have for all these years. But as days went by, I wanted to retaliate. In the end, I chose to keep silent when pissed off. Somehow, this overshadowed the fun that I supposedly had in the trip.  Of course, the weather in Seoul did not help at all. By the end of the first day, the right side of my mouth was full of ulcers. By the second day, my left side too. Too much of kimchi and everything else red spicy and grilled. By the time I came home, they were all gone!! Thank God.

I was the planner, the navigator, the treasurer, the direction asker (bear in mind, I can't speak Korean either). No wonder, coming back I just felt so exhausted. It felt like an eunuch "siu kwai ji" serving the concubine (leung leung). Anyway, it's good being back in KL.

On the good side, I tried all the Korean food I know - bibimbap, mandoo (something like the Japanese gyoza or the Chinese "jiau zi"), bulgogi, rich cake, ginseng chicken soup, spicy chicken feet, green bean pancake, grilled pork skin (yes, the skin.. and all the oil that comes with it). I think I want to take a break from Korean food for 3 months.

Other than that, I bought a lot of masks.. Like a lot with olive, pomegranate, caviar, aloe, rice, lemon, honey, pearl, green tea, sea kelp, seaweed extracts. Apparently, each of this mask brings different effects on the face. Moisturizing, nourishing, brightening, vitalizing, exfoliating, soothing, hydrating. I also bought a lot of skincare products which can last me for 1 year. I also bought some shoes and clothes.

My threshold is running a little low. Kite has been away for a week.  Everyone let down their guards. But despite that, there is this tension in the air. As if something was not right.The new clerk complained about her new job and tendered her resignation just after one week after reporting. Apparently, she can't stand SuSu. SuSu peered over when she is doing work. New clerk caught her doing that through the computer screen reflection. Besides that, she was reprimanded for talking to the lady technicians. Other than that, it's what I have been accustomed to for the 1.75 years I was here: No handphone, lest you spill sensitive company information; no food and drink, not even sweets or nescafe, lest you spill the coffee like a kid..

As I sat in front of the computer screen, I tried to recall the last time I was away. I went to our R&D center at Westport a few months. Yes it was that long!!! A few months ago... I have hardly been to the headquarters, seminar, library, training or whatever ever since Kite took charge. This is not the place I want to be. The corporate ladder is higher than Rapunzel's tower and I am still at the bottom. Yes I know, this place is very safe. But security no longer lures me. I need a new challenge.

I know, I have been talking about the new challenge since January. Yet I have not done much during the last 5 months. I was busy with Japan, I am busy with Korea and tuition. If I am really sick of the situation, I should really do something about it but am I doing anything?

I found out today about what actually transpired within the 5 days Zoe was here. Apparently, mum had complained to Nicole about her leg. I don't know what she complained, that it was still painful and that we did not take care of her? Personally, I'm tired about her leg. After hospitalization, visits to Gasing tabib cina and Pudu tabib cina which include urut the kaki, acupuncture and using IR, nothing seems to work. It's not like I didn't spend money.  All of us spent money but no matter how we try, words has it that we are not treating Mum well. Anyhow, Zoe will be in Dubai permanently by Oct. So why all the trouble now?

My house has suddenly turned silent today. There is no more noise of nursing babe, or voices of adults nursing a babe. What a contrast from 2 days ago, where there were bottles and toys lying everywhere, and the fridge filled with more bottles and plastic bags filled with breast milk. My mornings were greeted with music suited for my young niece. None of these are heard or seen anymore.

My dad angry, and my mum disappointed, that's the kind of feeling you get if you walk into my house right now. But I know, they will eventually get over it. 2 weeks ago, they were euphoric about the fact that they get to take care of their own grandchild. Today, that hope is dashed.

As for me, it's living with terms that I can't play with my niece. She'll probably be mandarin speaking. But once again, Oreo can roam freely in my house.

Saturday morning began with dragging myself out of bed at 8.30am, a very unusual practise from waking up at about 10 ish as I am accustomed to on Saturday mornings. This was the second saturday in a row that I actually wake up early to go for seminars. But it's ok, this weekend is a long weekend.

Yes, there are a lot of seminars you can go to. A lot of feel good seminars to motivate you. But this particular one, I wanted to go because Dr Peter J Daniels is a billionaire owning a gold and silver bullion bank hailing from Down Under and he is 70+ yrs old.When I go for seminars, I often wonder why would people bother teaching if they make so much money in futures/ options/ forex/ stock/ real estate? Could it be that teaching earns them more than they do trading? For Dr Peter J Daniels, I know he simply wants to bless the church. And being a billionaire, whatever he said has been tried and tested.

His accent was particularly hard to listen on Saturday morning where I just dragged myself out of bed. But by Monday, I was used to listening to that accent.

He spoke about the need of feeding the brains. He spoke about having a life long dreams and having a plan to make sure it happens. He also gave some investing tips which I'm keeping close to my heart.

The 1st law of success, according to him, is the mastery over procrastination. So to begin with, I need to read some books. Success may be a big word to use. For me, I just hate the thought of being stuck in a job I don't enjoy all my life and the corporate ladder is as slow as the turtle's journey with a lot of hard work but very little reward. So this is my little step launching into the deep and I have to agree, it all begins in the mind. 

After trying out Freestyle Fitpole at Pink Vibes, I decided to check out TalentHub, albeit far. So after gym, I headed to Sri Hartamas, a place I have not been for 5 months.

Honestly, I don't really like to go to any place that is female dominated. Too much estrogen and progesteron make me wanna choke. Coming from a workplace where my actual colleagues aka chemists are all females and coming from all girl primary and secondary schools, sometimes I just wanna take a break away from all these. But for a pole dance studio, what was I expecting? I feel intimidated.. I don't know why.. Maybe because females generally have this sorority and bitching thing.

Soon, all the students arrived. There are about 4 regulars there. The instructor, Natasha, taught about 4 sets of 8 counts move that day, not enough to complete a song but it was good enough for me. I hoisted myself up the pole with my right ankle supporting my lower body, my left crossing over my right leg, and both my hands supporting the upper body. After that, the next move was to move the body to the left, while being at the pole. Another move consisted of doing a sexy cross aka kangkang the legs. Another set of moves involved spinning the pole like a "chair" and "fireman". Natasha told me to only do the "fireman", as I was a newbie. But even then, I find that it was difficult and after all using much of my core muscles, I was too tired to do the spin.

Without realising how fast time flies, the class was soon over. Honestly, I really enjoyed the class because afterall, pole dance is a very expressive dance. Despite liking the dance, I decided against joining the lessons due to the following reasons.

1. Distance - Very far, it takes me 1 hour to drive from Klang
2. Location - Hartamas always remind me of him
3. People - I don't feel very comfortable with this bunch of people
4. Money - I just paid RM250 for social dance class and for 2 seminars this coming May. Pole dance is quite expensive, RM160 for 4 lessons.
5. Focus -  I recently just joined social dance and already started with disco rock, hopefully cha cha is next. Maybe I should just focus in this this now
6. Time - With social dance, tuition, work (yes, work takes up most time), maybe it's not so wise to start lessons yet

Maybe, in a few more months, I'll be able to free up some time, save some money, get over him totally, wait till this bunch goes away, then I can join the classes.

Yesterday morning, I went to Legend Hotel to hear someone talk about stock investment. There were a few things I picked up during the 1.5 hours I was there. Not so much about stock investment, as I don't have any money to do stock investment right now. The presenter, Marcus, was very good in his delivery techniques. Deep in all of us, we know, the reason we attend such seminar is because we don't have financial freedom right now.

What really struck me is that he said, "people procrastinate, but like it or not, time is still going to pass."

It struck me a fair bit because about 2.5 years ago, I read Robert Kiyosaki's Rich Dad Poor Dad. I remember, I was so stirred up that I didn't want to remain in employment. But right now, I'm still employed. I'm not much closer to where I wanted to be. So it's true, like it or not, time is still going to pass and the question is, to make a change, why not start now?

Then he also said, "people work 10 hours a day, but they are not willing to spend 20 minutes a day to educate themselves?" I can't help to agree more. People are willing to work hard on their jobs, but they don't work hard on themselves.

So for a change, I want to resist looking at online shopping websites. Buy some books on investment and financial freedom, go for seminar (I already signed up for National Achievers Congress). Don't know how much it helps but it's a good start.

Anyway, I learned some jargons:

Trading ratio means how much are you willing to lose in order to earn

This week had been a hectic one for me. Things could have helped if I slept well, but most days I just didn't, especially on Sunday and Monday night, where the week just rolled in and I found it hard to start off.

Nevertheless it was a fruitful one:

Monday night - researching about Seoul. Gosh, this is tough work, why not I just pay the travel agent to get things done and ensure the whole trip goes on smoothly? All because I want to add a personal touch to the trip, in fact too personal that I practically want to plan every detail.. the subway, the jimjilbang experience I want to have, how much will the ajuma charge me for scrubbing my body like how she would scrub a dirty pot, the jazz experience I want to have at Hongdae, the view of Winter Sonata I want to see at Namiseom)

Tuesday - Tuition class that lasted for 2 hours. Sometimes I wonder how people can start to study 2 months before the final exam and expect to miraculously pass the exam. His Chemistry level is just form 5 level, if not worse. Organic, too many reactions to remember. Inorganic, more reactions to remember. Physical chemistry, too many definitions and understanding involved.. Sometimes I just don't know how to help people like that. All I can say is that I can only try to do my best. Where there is demand, there the supply will be.

Wednesday - Dance practise with Unofficial Ex-Boyfriend No.2 Just felt wasted my bachata class without going for practice so we decided to go ahead with this. This is the first time in 4 months that I actually talked more than 10 minutes with him. Before this, I was still upset with him. And I realized that being estranged from him made me feel worse because I can't really be angry with people that I care for no matter how bad the person once treat me. I don't really hold grudges to my heart. That's why I'm still in good terms all my ex-es. But will we ever be as close as we once was? No.. no way. I wish to have a life like him too, spend half a year traveling to different countries.. What kinda life is that?

Thursday - Met up with Jol and Shan, just like the good old times in Form 6, for a pole dance trial class at Viva Vertical, SS15. We arrived half an hour late due to not being able to find the place. It was a small place, just 4 poles and there were 7 of us so we had to rotate the poles. The dance is really sexy and expressive. But then, we decided against joining (for now) because we don't have a pole at home and that makes it difficult to practise. Besides, having learned dance at Havana Estudio before, somehow I expect the instructor to teach like Sam and Aisha, or Haan from Dance Connexion for the matter. But every instructor has his own style, I can't get used to her (maybe I will if I try harder). After the class we headed for Korean BBQ.

Friday - Came back straight after work to catch up at the mamak with dad. (Was supposed to have a class with student but he ffk, or drinking session with colleague, anyway I'm really too tired to go anywhere) My way of unwinding the week and prepare for tomorrow's lesson. Washed my clothes, iron my favourite green top, and bought a cake online. So far I have bought facial session, lingerie, burger, cake, cupcakes, gym membership, dance classes, magazine subscription, donation, hair cut - ONLINE). Who says you need to go out to spend money?

Going up watching TVB series, where divorces frequently happen on-screen, the characters in a show often quote irreconcilable difference for the reason of their divorce. Apparently, it's when you try all means to salvage a relationship, yet at the end of the day it just doesn't work.

Ever since Kite took over, I had never been truly happy here. People say, when there's a fresh face, there's also a fresh breath. In this case, I beg to differ. One reason is because I was quite happy with Lady D before Kite came into the picture. Of course with Lady D it was not like trouble free, but then I was 10X happier.

With Lady D, I was a small tiny alchemist, but with Kite, I have become the Bangla here. Other people's work have also become my work, everything has become urgent, gosh, I hate that phrase!!! There's no dignity, no purpose, no training, no future.. I have given up on this place. Worse, I doubt myself more than ever. I no longer feel good about myself, my performance, when that happens, I should really not be here anymore. I feel so low I'm beginning to send out negative vibes around me.

I have given up hope and can no longer accept the irreconcilable differences.

Option 1 - Take up part - time MBA at Nottingham University, KL campus, while maintaining my job. 2 years for 55K

Option 2 - Working holiday visa in Australia. Work to earn money for travel, but then can't earn enough money to give back home and pay car installment, can I?

Option 3 - Work as lab technician in a university in Oman. Downgrade from chemist to technician. So cham.. Got salsa over there?

Option 4 - Work as waitress in Dubai. OK Dubai got salsa.. and at least I know someone familiar and might be able to stay at his place aka my brother.

The tears have not stopped till today after 4 long months. It happens now at less intervals and shorter periods these days. Bottom line, it still hurts because he mattered to me.

I saw him at the Studio Party the other day. Seeing him again, all the memories came alive again. I felt pity for myself. So at 12am, I wanted to leave badly. The more I sat there, the more irrational thoughts I have.

Walking down the stairs, I saw Fred and asked him casually if he was going to have a drink at Devi's. He wasn't going to, but he invited me, and I didn't say no. So the both of us started talking. I love talking to retirees, mainly because they have so much experience in life worth sharing about. We started talking about work. Fred was also a chemist, a rarity because how many people do you meet who is a chemist? Then we started talking about relationships. Fred told me a lot of things I needed to hear. I felt good talking to him, not so hopeless in life after all. And he gave me a tip how I can instantly feel better.

Today evening, we had bachata class again after 4 months break. It really didn't feel that long. People say time flies when you are having fun. I beg to differ. Time flies equally as fast when you are in pain. The pain was elevated by people who care about me, the dog who loves me, the earth that shakes me, the boss that bugs me (ironically, work stress helps to ease emotional pain), so with all these it doesn't feel so painful anymore.

Compared to many moons ago, I am in much better shape now. So I am actually making progress. There are lesser outbursts, sleepless nights, almost no tantrums at all, almost completely rational, my appetite returned (my colleagues can testify to this), my love for shopping returned (these days I do online shopping a lot, I buy gym membership, food, lingerie, magazines, pole dancing class, facial treatment, even language courses, online), I love to dress up and make up once again, I enjoy meeting up with friends (previously all I wanted to do was cry at home). Remember, you are the sole creator of your reality.

Recently, the news reported that suicide cases in Malaysia are rising at an alarming rate. The most common for suicide is depression, and the main cause of depression is when a relationship comes to an end, and the person feel hopeless about life.

As an outsider, it is easy to judge these people who commit suicide. We blame them for not being able to think clearly, thus claiming their own lives, causing heartbreak for their family members and friends. In the case of Alviss Kong, if people has taken his post seriously within the 45 minutes before he took the downward plunge, could fate has been different?

Sometimes people just need you to be there in times of need. So far, no matter how depressed I am or how tempting the balcony looks, it never hit me to jump down.. because I hate myself looking ugly when I reach Ground 0.

When I am depressed and tell you about it, it usually means that I'm depressed. I won't tell you I am depressed just to grab attention. It means I need help. Sometimes, it's not that I need solution/advice. Do you think I don't know this guy is bad for me? I just need you to go through with me during my hardest times.. If the person chooses not to help me in my down times, chances are, I won't die because you didn't come to my rescue, but I will not confide to you anymore since you don't care.. This is how I lost faith in the cell members I supposedly trust.

Such a meaningful song..

Jesus, my passion in life is to know You
May all other goals bow down to this journey of loving You more
Jesus, You showered your goodness on me
Given Your gift so freely
But there's one thing I'm longing for

So hear my heart's cry and my prayer for this life
Above all else, above all else, above all else
Jesus, give me Yourself

Saviour, the more that I see your beauty
The more that I glimpse Your glory
My heart is captured by You
Jesus, You are my greatest treasure
Nothing this world can offer ever compares to You

So hear my heart's cry and my prayer for this life
Above all else, above all else, above all else
Jesus, give me Yourself

Since a few months back, I had people, colleagues, boss, friends I have not seen for some time coming up to me telling me how much weight I have lost. One co-worker posed a good question - Was the weight loss intentional or intentional? To which I told her that it is both. My secret is this:

Diligent workout at the gym + Emotional pain + dehydration (when you cry a lot you lose a lot of body water) + Imsomnia + diet and skipping meals (when I initially joined gym, but stopped doing so when i started having gastric problems)

I guess, without the emotional pain, my weight loss wouldn't have been successful. But trust me, it's not a good way to lose weight.

My chest sunk in till my rib cage can be seen (to this which Jo joked that I'm turning aneroxic), my waist lost a few inches.. but not a level that I'm satisfied. I'm going to change my workout routine tomorrow.

I should be blogging about what fun I had in Tokyo after few months of careful planning and anticipation on this trip. Instead, all the fun are clouded by the fact that on the third day I arrived Tokyo, one of the most historic and devastating triple combo of calamities consisting of earthquake + tsunami + nuclear crisis took place.

After spending the first day at Tokyo Disneyland, and the second at Tsukiji fish market, Hamarikyu gardens, Asakusa, Ueno and Shinjuku, on the third day we took out our itinerary and headed to Hakone to view Mt Fuji as planned. We took train to Shinjuku to purchase our Hakone Free Pass (it's not free BTW).

While in Tokyo itself I was clearly underdressed, I could only blame myself that I only brought a cardigan and a long john to keep me warm. If Tokyo's weather was around 8 - 10C, at Hakone it was 2C as a digital thermometer on top of a house/hut had shown.

After traveling from Shinjuku to Odawara by train, Odawara to Hakone-yumoto by bus, Hakone-yumoto to Hakonemachi by bus (visiting some pillars of pine on the way), At Hakonemachi, we bought hot grilled cuttlefish before cruising Lake Ashi on a "pirate" ship across to Togendai. At Togendai, we took cable car (of which the Japanese call it Ropeway for reasons I do not know) to Owakudani.

Owakudani was where my first encounter with earthquake. Bracing the cold weather, we walked out of the ropeway station, hoping to get some non existent free black eggs at a sulfur crater. As it was already 2.30pm, we decided to have lunch here. I remember very well, it was a pork don.

About 15 min into lunch, I looked at Jo to see if she could feel the tremors. I can't recall what exactly happened at that moment. What I remembered was that a guy sitting at the table next to mine wanted to run out, then the tremors stopped for a moment, before getting more vigorous. The dangling lights above us looked like they were about to fall on us. The hot water dispenser on the table were shaking too. Few seconds later, there was a strong jolt. This time round, I almost wanted to run away from the shop. Then it all stopped. I never felt so alive as such a time like this.

The restaurant staff tried to calm us down. Since Mt Fuji is still an active volcano and as visitors from a country without such natural disaster, , we thought tremors happened frequently around here, so we continued with lunch. From where I was sitting, I could see the cable car halted. It must have been scary up there.

After lunch, we were still persistent with our black eggs. We climbed some altitude, before being shooed away from officers. Other travelers who were also shooed away. We took some pictures of Fuji in the background.

Up to now, we were still oblivious to what had happened. Back to Okudawani station, a Chinese lady told us earthquake had happened and traffic in downtown Tokyo was bad. I slowly churned the information that such a thing would happen during my first trip to Japan.

As train system was practically down, there was no way we could go to Gotemba to check out the premium outlets, the only way was to head back down using the bus. From Togendai to Hakeno-yumoto, it took almost 3 hours that we decided to walk down to Hakeno-yumoto train station. Thankfully, it wasn't very far but it's not something just anyone will do in the pitch dark.

Hakone-yumoto train to Odawara was still working. Since we could not take train back to Shinjuku, we had dinner at this nice cozy place at Odawara with our new found friend from Hong Kong. After some warm noodles and gyoza, we shopped at this mart for 3 hours while waiting for the train to operate again. The worker at the mart was very kind that she allowed me to make a call back to Malaysia.

Finally at 1am, we managed to take train back to Shinjuku. When we reached Shinjuku at 4am, it was not all sweet either. Train back to the hotel I was staying at Nishi Kasai was not in operation at this hour. We slept a makeshift bed at Shinjuku station, along  with hundreds of Tokyo dwellers who like us, could not get back home. I could not really sleep at that kinda place, so I just watched Jo as she slept.

The adventure continues....

Last Friday I was at La Cocina with JL. Caught up with Haan.. It used to be so difficult to listen to his european accent. Most of the time, my attention will drift half way when he is talking to me.

This time, I could hear his accent better. Something was different with La Cocina this time. Difference with the ambience which I did not immediately realize.. My eyes are  no longer sore..

As much as Haan teaches me about dancing, he began to tell me that he quitted smoking after 25 years. He is now smoking electronic cigarette which is really, no cigarette at all..

I guess, when one is determined to change, he will do everything he can to change.. Change can happen..

Since the beginning of this year, I had one goal in mind. I wanted to run away from where I am now, because it's becoming too familiar to me.. For all my life, Klang Valley was all that I knew.. I had lived in Shah Alam, PJ Old Town, Kuchai Lama, Sri Sentosa and then coming back to Shah Alam.. The longest I ever left home was the 1 month when I went on the backpacking trip.. My soul longs for a change... A change so big that will turn my life around.. Yes,  I had been warned, it's not going to be easy.. "If you are not even happy here, what makes you think you will be happy elsewhere?" I agree with that to a certain extent but what makes me think I will be happy if I stay on for the next 10 years? I just wanted to give myself a chance.. and that involve taking a risk..

So I started doing my homework, I searched this and that website, decided to sit for English exam.. I know it's a long way to go and I am certainly making very slow progress.. How can I expedite this progress when I have to plan itinerary to go Tokyo, Seoul, Jogyakarta, Laos... That's not all, my tuition classes already takes up most of my time on Sunday.. Work is certainly not helping as by the time I get home, it's already almost 7pm.. and the last thing you have in mind to to begin another round of working.. Then at other times, gym which is very crucial to my physical health.. getting flat abs is one of my priorities this year. arghh, and I just bought this access to this language online website to learn spanish.. I've been wanting to learn spanish since started doing salsa..

PS; Tonigt I allow myself to crap a bit cos I slept poorly yesterday.. I dreamed that Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No1's new gf is a villain, and I was trying to warn him about it.. I guess, there's a part of me unwilling to let go..

All in all.. DISCIPLINE is the way to go..

Continuing from my last post about dealing with pain, it just amazes me how the brain works.. I have been going to Capsquare for many many times.. Most of the time, I went there with Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No2. But there were also times when I drove there on my own when Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No2 was away on his diving assignments..

But this time round as Joe drove, I completely had forgotten my whereabouts.. The roads looked very very familiar to me, but then they looked very much the same. It took us 1 hr to reach the place.. I was very "malu" to have wasted so much of Joe's petrol and time. I apologised profusely and was relieved that Joe will still keeping his cool.. Thankfully, he works in the Accidents and Emergency dept in the hospital, he probably knows how to handle this kind of scenario very well.

I believe the brain has a way of blocking unwanted memories.. Sure, dance was something that connected us, sure, Modesto's was where we spent a considerable amount of time together.. Also, there were also times that we skipped Modesto's to watch DVD on the yoga mat and drink soya bean added with protein powder (Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No2 is overly fetish about health).. So, I guess, in order to not remember all that, my brain has decided to remember what it wants to remember.. hence, causing my selective memory..

How do you respond when your ex's current girlfriend is stalking you? Not really stalking, but she added me on facebook.. and started asking me questions about him.. The way she asked me, I knew he ain't ordinary friend to her..

She probably doesn't know that I'm the ex (actually, he's not really my ex since we had never been official, he's my Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No1, but to simplify that, I shall just call him ex).

To cut the long story short, she asked me a lot of questions about him.. Of which I obviously know she's not in for a friendship with me, just for the sake of korekking his matlumat.. I said he is nice.. Then she asked me how is he nice to me? I didn't really reply her..

Coincidentally, this girl's birthday and mine fall on the same day.. Last year during my birthday, he already knew this gal, but he asked me out on my birthday anyway... That time, practice sessions with Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No2 just began not too long ago, so I didn't want to  miss it. I said no to him.. But as I linked the pieces together, I found out he gave her flowers and cooked spaghetti for her.. Aww so sweet of him.. That confirms that he was never really into me, cos he never cooked anything for me (on the merajuk mode now)!!

It feels really really weird to have your ex's new gf stalking you.. But then I'm really really happy for him if he finds the one (cos he's the type that is not easy to settle down)..

After all that I've been through these past few months.. no one can really know whether things happen for good or for bad.. Sometimes it's just vain to look for temporary happyness (spelt it like Chris Gardner).

I remember there was this day after watching movie and while waiting for Salsa Intermediate class to start at night, I went to hang out at Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No2's place.. That day I burrowed under his armpit like how Oreo does to me and he playfully asked my why I behaved like a dog.. 15 minutes later, I left for my salsa class, I saw a girl whom he had turned down.. That night, I felt like I've won some kind of war.. but look at how things turned out. I lost the battle. Alas, vanity of vanity.. all is vanity..

During my first 19 years of my life, I was confined to Malaysia grounds. So when at 19 years old my brother took me to Singapore for the first time, I was thrilled!! It felt a bit like katak finally getting out of tempurung. Ever since then, traveling had been my favourite things to do in life. A year later, sadly, when I finally had a chance to go to Melbourne to visit my aunt who was then studying there, I had to forgo the opportunity because my first semester at uni was starting even though I already had the air tickets with me.

Ever since then, I did not miss out on any opportunity to travel. Besides my yearly trip to Singapore, this is what I've done.

• 2005 - Beijing

• 2007- (1) Hong Kong, Shenzhen, (2) Chiang Mai, Ayuthaya, Bangkok, Siem Riep, Phnom Penh, Saigon, Nha Trang, Hoi An, Hue, Hanoi. The backpacking trip to Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam didn't go easy. I remember my mum going to Jol's house to coax her to cancel our plan. She even told Jolene that I'm a taufu who can't go through hardships. Of course, I proved her wrong. Guess who didn't vomit while on island hopping trip at Nha Trang? I really missed this trip and wondered how can mat salleh go on backpacking trips for a year, if not more.. I think I can understand why.. the things that you see is really different from what you see doing your deskbound job.. Even though coming back from that trip, I realised how lucky I was to be in Malaysia where standard of living is much better. I loved immersing in the Vietnamese culture, the Vietnamese just love shouting at each other and can be quite dramatic. The Vietnamese are quite petite and they look at Jol as if she's a giant.  Of course, over the one month of traveling together and spending day and night with each other can be quite challenging. There were times we could no longer take it and started yelling at each other.
•  

• 2009 - (1) Macau, Guangzhou, Foshan, Shenzhen, Hong Kong - Some may wonder why do I bother to go to the same place twice. The first time I went to HK, it was with my family following a tour, it was ok, except that going to HK during summer isn't such a great choice. The heat can sometimes kill half the fun. However, this second time round, I went to my friends during colder weather in January. I enjoyed this trip immensely even though there were hiccups along the way. The plus point of going just before CNY is that you do really feel like it's CNY here. (2) Jakarta (3) Krabi - I took the planning of this trip for 13 people entirely by myself. Honestly, after this trip, I have phobia for planning trips. People don't thank you when things are going fine, but the moment there is 1 hiccup, that is the big trouble. I made a big mistake booking a very lousy accommodation. Even though I did necessary research to read the reviews about the particular place I was going to stay, it was just beyond me when it turned out to be so lousy.. It's one of the lousiest place (if not the lousiest) guesthouse I have ever stayed. Even my budget backpacking trip did not come as this bad except for the "penthouse" we stayed at Long John's at Bangkok. This trip is kinda therapeutic.. I especially like the natural hot spring, dipping in those "holes" really took all my stress away (4) Bali -after planning Krabi trip, I didn't really have time to plan with Jolene. Afterall, we are seasoned backpackers. This is yet another grave mistake when we turned up at Kuta 2 days before the new year with no place to stay.. We walked for about 3 hours before we managed to find a place to stay.. Ubud was better, if there is any word I can describe about Ubud, it's "spiritual". I found a lot of peace here in the midst of all the trees..
•  

• 2010 - (1) Guilin, (2) Dubai, Abu Dhabi - This came as a surprise as just a week before my trip, my bro asked me over the Messenger if I would like to go there to visit him.. I gave him the details, and in less than a week, I flew there with my parents. Over there, there's just a lot of sand, cloudless sky, beautiful buidings and women dressed in burqah.. Everything here is so elaborate including the toilets. 
•  

• 2011- The best is yet to come. If nothing goes wrong, I should have 4 stories to tell..
•  

If you think where has all my money gone, here they are.. But I don't regret them all a single bit.. especially the first backpacking trip even though I was poor and just came out of uni.. I guess for me, nobody could stop me to do the things I really want to. I really really really love to travel, even more than dance.

In my previous post, I talked about how I deal with my own emotional pain. In most days, I think I'm doing a bad job at it. My way of dealing with pain involved a lot of manifestation in the physical. I cry. I can't sleep. I throw tantrums. I lose weight.

This time round, I see my pain seeping into my work, where I can see my work performance deteriorate. I'm no longer logical and rational. I become bitchy and irritable about every small little thing. I know there is something wrong with the way I deal with pain.

Worse of all, my pain affects me in a way more unpredictable than PMS. At least, for PMS, you know when it is coming and you get ready for it. But for this particular pain that I am going through, there is no day and no night. There are days when I have some very important things to do, and this thing will cloud my mind mind like a plague. I try to not let this pain disturb my routine, but I have a weak heart. I'm not talking about jantung heart, I'm talking about my kohelia, the core of my being.

But I do know, what I need is a quantum of energy to overcome this pain, this hurt, these memories, this past and to begin all things new. I know I will wake up one day feeling COMPLETELY ok. But as far as NOW, I can't see the light at the end of this very dark tunnel YET.

Looking at all around me, relationship problems are everywhere. Break ups, divorce, people having a mad spouse, not reciprocated love, infidelity.. etc. Let me just quote some examples from a recent conversation I had with my salsa mates (and some other examples as well)

1. Guy and girl used to appear at salsa places together. Guy went to Singapore regularly to see her as she is based there. Guy and girl then arrives separately at salsa, avoiding each other after break up.
2. Guy has a mad spouse, suppose to divorce but because she is mad, they are still legally married. Guy meets girl once every week, hold hands for a while, while shopping for groceries so that she still get the lovey dovey feeling, but don't stay together
3. Guy gave up salsa because new wife is not in the salsa scene. Suddenly, guy is back on the salsa scene again. Guy holds warm up party at his new place, guess he is shifting alone to his new place
4. Guy and girl together for a few years, then girl decides guy is not suitable for her, calls it quits. Guy gets heartbroken. Very common scenario
5. Guy thinks girl is not putting him first in her life. He misses his ex who is now married. He misses the way she put him first in her life, and how she was always happy seeing him.
6. Girl loves guy very much, have sex with his man every saturday night after movie. Went to Bangkok and Hong Kong for holiday together. The sound of their love- making was overheard in Hong Kong due to the hotel room too small. Girl wants to get married but guy evades the question. Girl suddenly did not contact guy for a few weeks. Guy finds it weird, went to her apartment to look for her. He saw her going up to an elder man's car. Guy confronts girl in the carpark. That was the last they saw each other. After a year, girl calls guy up. Told him it was difficult for her, but she had to do it, but still refuse to meet guy. Something zapped the guy, he became crazy and indulged himself in existentialism.
7. Girl gave up medical career in US to settle down in Malaysia because other half is here, but coming back here things changed. The very reason why she came back become invalid, she is finding solace in salsa.
8. Girl likes guy, but girl knows guy is merely looking for sex. Girl got mad after guy spoiled her shirt after an attempt to bed her.
9. Guy calls a doctor friend up every time after he has unprotected sex with his girfriend. Doctor friend is irked getting asked this question cos why can't he use the condom in the first place?
10. Guy drives girl to ROM (Registrar of Marriage). On the way there, guy asks girl, "are you sure you want to do this?" Girl got mad, tore the application away. After few months, repeated the same process, but this time got married for real. Guy not very happy after marriage. Guy's brother blame sister in law for being manipulative and controlling and thinks that all women are out there to hook some guy so that he has no way out.
11. Guy marries girl. Guy is a person high ranking in society,  but girl is a gambler and doesn't take care of family. Their product, a son, then thinks that marriage (aka woman) is the source of all problems.
12. Guy thinks girl is her soulmate, do everything together including sex, but girl doesn't want to be anyone's girlfriend. But she became another guy's wife.
13. Guy beats girl up before getting married. When girl pregnant, the beating stops for a while. After giving birth, the beating continues. Girl decides to divorce..

In all above, only 12 is fictional (500 days of summer) and 9 is joke aside. The rest are real life stories that I've observed all around me. Based on the above, relationship problems are way too common. The reason? In my humble opinion, it's because relationships now are sustained by a string and a paper clip. People give up on each other way too easily, and in the age of narcissm, it's their own pleasure and comfort that they seek. When things are no longer comfortable, they choose to give up. Then, why would anyone get married to a guy who can beat her up before getting married? You would have known this guy is trouble.

So looking at myself, I'm just having a common problem that everyone else is having. It's just that I tend to personalise the problem too much. Things have happened and will not change. No explanation needed.

Quoting an article from Internet, "Part of the struggle comes from the fact that there's no time-line for pain." I just need a quantum leap.

Someone said, "Pain is weakness leaving the body". If that is true, (Emotional) pain is weakness leaving the soul.

And I've been feeling this pain for as long as I could remember. I live life everyday hoping that time flies faster, because time heals everything. But till today, I hate myself, because the pain stuck with me. There is still weakness within me.

My first encounter with depression was a few years ago. At that time, I was in my final year in university. It was the first time in my life I met with a traumatic accident that left me with a hemorrhage in the eye and begging for my family to give me money to repair the car. It was the first time in my life I felt so alone, and from then on life just seemed meaningless. For months, every evening I sat at the side of the pool (at that time I was staying in apartment) thinking of nothing. That semester, my results suffered so badly. I have never been truly cheerful since then. I lost faith in life, I lost faith in people, to a certain extent, I lost faith in God.

Only a semester later, I felt better and declared myself depression-free. But like I said, I was never truly cheerful since then. It was a seed of depression in me that I know has the potential to blow up again.

It blew up in 2009 so much that I had suicidal thoughts. It blew up in 2010. This time, it felt exceptionally long. The pain felt so long and deep that I want to run away. I can't count the number of times I turned up at work with swollen eyes. There were also days I drowned myself with work. But mostly, I felt the need to run away.. I want to run away to a place that I can begin everything anew, where my memory can return to 0 byte.

But like I've said in my previous post: You are the sole creator of your reality. Right now I just feel so powerless of my reality.