Journey of a Dream

Lady Di was about 30km away at the HQ. But today, I decided to Skype her. I asked her if the right procedure is to give the opportunity to an employee to appraise herself and then the boss amends it later. She said yes.. I told her I didn't even have that chance. 2 days ago, on the 3rd of August, which is precisely 2 years since I started work at PORK, Kite asked me to go to her room. Surprise birthday party is common. Surprise proposal is common (duh, when is proposal not a surprise?). But have you ever heard of surprise appraisal? More like an instant one as she had to submit to relevant authorities on that day.

She explained to me the points in the appraisal. In summary, I was rated "average". She said I had potential and that I have great ideas that are actually workable. She said my reports are very good and she could see that I had put in a lot of effort to stay back late to make sure work are done. But in my mind, I was thinking, how come this is not reflected in my points? So for all that I have done, I am just "average"... I wanted to defend myself. I wanted her to see the good things I have done.. but then, when a person already has a negative perspective about you, there is no amount of words that will cause her to give me more marks. So I continued sitting at the "berlakon" session until 1.5 hours passed. I came out of the room depressed and demotivated. I suddenly felt like a stupid fool for all the times I stayed back late. In fact, there were times I stayed till 9ish when it's dark and dangerous to walk to carpark. But I was dedicated. But in the end, I was just "average". Honestly, deep in my heart, I don't really believe that I am average. My philosophy is that EVEN if anyone is average but if he takes the effort to try to do things well, he should be awarded the credit.

Many thoughts are running through my mind, I find the need to search deep within myself and analyse what went wrong. I talked to few people I'm close with. My mind is quite creative,  I somehow came up with the thought that this is a conspiracy to get rid of me. Kite needs me now, but why is she treating me like this? The way I see it, she does not see that my work is of good value to her, and hence I am only "average".

I set a new KPI.. latest by 31st December the "letter" will land on her table. Since I do not deliver value and is not appreciated, why stay? Mr GM will tell me that everywhere you go is the same, you will face difficult bosses. I agree with him, but if staying here means permanently unhappy, why not I take the risk? At least if I take the risk, I can either be happy or unhappy.

One of the people I talk to about this is 7th Aunt. She's been a boss before and she is a lecturer now. She told me how she will never simply appraise her subordinates because this will affect their livelihood. She will also marks her students papers properly because this will determine whether they graduate or not. Anyway, that is besides the point. More importantly is that she struck a very important point. She said something to the effect that I have been talking about leaving PORK for some time already, I talk a lot but there is no action. It's true... And my next post is a reflection on that.