Journey of a Dream

There were some things that happened in the past that I wish I could wipe out from my memory. Memories I wish could be eternally deleted by a click of my the mouse, but unfortunately, as much as I desire, human beings are not wired in such a way.

It could all be summed up in my 3 previous posts: here, here and here

It used to hurt me really much until the point the I decided to forget it. I avoided it like a plague. I didn't cry. I stopped asking why. I pretended it never happened. I thought I got over it.

But I didn't.

It is the fear of being betrayed. The fear of being abandoned. The fear of being unloved.

Lately, my friend led me to read something about He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. It was a poem he wrote for his ex gf (I think so!) before we even met. He wasn't aloof, he was idealistic, loving and passionate. All the more, I couldn't understand why it all happened.

I don't ask to turn back time. I believe it was for a good reason that it all happened. Thinking about it, the damage was not all that bad. At least not physically. I had exagerated it.

Fast forwarding to the present, I do not regret what began as Comedy Night. I can feel the doubts already that maybe it shouldn't have been. I hate the aloofness, though it was not always.

Disclaimer: Written at 5am - packed with emotionalism!

Last night a friend of mine told me I am prone to attracting rich/ good looking guys (maybe that's my talent), but somehow, never end up with them after a few strides.

Few years back, I met a guy who owned a Chevrolet and a curry factory. He was crazy about me, brought me to Lunar Bar and took me to Poppy's. He bought me expensive deep water pearls (sadly I wasn't a fan of pearls), I was genuinely touched by his sincerity but not wanting to lead him further, I told him that it wasn't going to work. I wished him all the best and now - he's deeply in love with his girlfriend. What I did to him was cruel, but I am sure he wouldn't trade anything for his current happiness.

Surely, the prospect of getting married to a rich guy was so tempting. But at that time, I was idealistic, I believed in Chemistry. I believe in a guy who will sweep me off my feet. I needed sparks. Who cares about money?

Some time later, again at Poppy's (lao di fang), a guy came to tumpang my table while my friends were busy dancing. We started hanging out at my favourite place, the Curve, we drank Starbucks, we watched Platinum class movies together, he brought me to Alexis, we celebrated Valentine's Day together. And then he told me, he was up to something big. For the few weeks that followed, I saw him on the CLEO magazine. He rose to his little stardom, became one of CLEO's 50 bachelors. And then I did not hear from him ever again.

And I don't understand why this Bachelor guy literally disappeared from my world, until a week ago, I met him at my dance studio party. I hadn't expected to see him there but he was there, alive and ready to rock the dance floor. I still couldn't understand.

Few days later at Little Havana, I met an old friend who had been in the same high school. Coincidentally, she was Bachelor guy's Tango partner. She asked me, "are you one of the girls he picked up?" So it was then I realised I had been "picked up". I just wanted an honest sincere friendship and not treated like the clothes that you can try out at the departmental store. It bruised my ego.

....(edited)...(and still needs some editting)...

All of a sudden, Jane Austen's Mansfield Park reminded me,

"Loving, guiding, protecting her, as he had always been doing ever since her being ten years old, her mind in so great a degree formed by his care, and her comfort depended on his kindness, an object so close and peculiar interest, dearer by his own importance with her than any one else at Mansfield what was there now to add, but he should learn to prefer soft light eyes to sparkling dark ones?"

In modern terms, what a girl wants, what a girl needs, is to be shown affection.

Apart from my bed, my car is the one property that is precious to me. I remember my sweat and tears when I paid for the downpayment for my car. Not only that, I have to fork out RM500 every month as an installment. My car has brought me to many places I have never driven to and yea, despite not liking to drive, I appreciate what my car has done for me.

This morning, I woke up in the middle of the night, thinking of the 3 visible lines that someone had obviously used a sharp object, a blade maybe, to scratch my car. I am saddened that most likely it is done by my co - workers, maybe for revenge, maybe they are not happy that they got a pay cut, but for whatever reason or motive, it's a very childish act.

I related the incident to Mr Dot, and while inspecting my car, Mr Cock came and asked what happened. After talking to him, we decided that it was some sort of sabotage by a certain party. To my relief, Mr Cock even offer to pay part of the repair for my car. Maybe Mr Cock is not as bad as I perceive him to be. 2 brownie points for Mr Cock.

As for my beloved car, it will keep running.

As a sequel to my last post, things have took a worse turn, in which I have no choice except to do what is necessary for my own future. Now, Mr Cock doesn't even have the courtesy to tell me what he wants to do and bypass me to go straight to the staff, which means 2 things. Firstly, he is afraid that I would oppose him. Of course I would given the unfair treatment where everything was for his own benefit and to oppress other people. Secondly, that just proves enough that he has no respect for me, in fact anyone as he looks too highly upon himself. Just the day before, he blamed me because one of the staff had measured the thickness of the cigarette paper wrongly. He said, "how you all do things?" I was fuming mad because he was now not using his brains before he talks. I wish he could bring his brains out.

One year ago, I just thought Mr Cock was just a person with bad PR skills. I did not blame him when he could not talk to people properly. But as it turns out, he is the worst of the lot. If it was just a matter of personality, I would have been more empathic but now it's an issue of character. He has no compassion for people, he oppresses people for his benefit and and makes use of people and gets rid of them when they are no longer useful to them.

1. The benefits here are like shit. If we are sick, no matter how sick, we need to drive to the office, fill in the form and get approval from him. We have to look sick enough because he would not accept reasons like backache, no matter how painful. Then we can only go to ONE clinic in the world because that's the only panel clinic we have got.

2. He is very calculative with us with things like time out, punctuality and even sugar, coffee, milk and tea. The hand wash liquid here is diluted 10X that 10X washing could not clean my hands.

3. Company lunch here is KFC. So much appreciation for the staff?

4. Everyone, Mr Dot and all the office staff has been telling me that one day Mr Cock would terima his balasan.

5. A courier service lady came to discuss issues with Mr Cock about consignment and at the end of the meeting, she came out and remarked that if she is to see him on the road, she will langgar him until mati.

6. Mr Dot told me that if he is to see Mr Cock begging on the road, he would not help him.

7. Mr XXX, the external auditor is a man of principles. He would not even talk to Mr Cock a word other than about audit knowing that he is such a shrewd man.

8. One day, Mr Cock met with an accident and his car was damaged badly. Instead of being sympathetic, the staff laughed at him. At that time, I could not understand but now I do.

As for me, why am I working for a shrewd man? It's time to ponder and think.

The developments of late have caused me to be very frustrated, it certainly wasn't the way I thought it would be. One would expect a climb on the career ladder, I had no idea how the ladder could fall on me. I was hit enough by the pay cut in Jan, and despite that I went ahead with my long awaited trip to Hong Kong, Macau, Guangzhou, Foshan and Shenzhen. Throughout the trip I hardly heard terms like retrenchment, bankruptcy; what I saw was people living their lives as much as possible like the economic meltdown, financial crisis, whatever you call it, never hit us.

Shortly after CNY break finished, I received a fax informing me about training at LGM, what I have been waiting for for the past 1 year of working in Mech Chem. The road to LGM was tough, I woke up early every morning to brave the traffic to Jln Ampang. Finally, at the end of the one and a half weeks, I returned work with a renewed zeal.

The news came 2 days later that my dear boss decided to cut our working hours (and pay). The illogical thing was then he cut 1.5 hours from Mon to Thurs, and as for Friday, it would be a half day. From his point of view, samples still came by on Friday, but in my humble opinion, why put through all the employees the trouble of waking up and dragging ourselves off the bed on a Friday when he could make it 4 full working days and then Fridays are off? We still need to pay for petrol to come to work as per normal and yet our pay is being cut 20% (or more). The worse part was that he didn't even have the courtesy to tell me the news when I, the Lab Manager has the every right to know. Nevertheless, I confronted him and reasoned with him that this is not workable. I told him that despite the samples being less, I still have the same amount of work to do, if not more. There wasn't a conclusion that day, but at least I gave him my point of view.

This was not spoken about for the next 1 week as audit approached and I continued the days with increased frustration. Every morning, I would tell myself not to be frustrated, but at the end of each day, my emotions have overwhelmed me. The hours of tuition helped me to make up for my financial losses, but the reality of having to spend so much time teaching and preparing tuition worked me out. Worse, these tuitions didn't help me to elevate my quality of life. I still ate biscuits for lunch.

As sick as I am with the whole thing, I realise that all these could be a blessing in disguise, though it was a wrong decision made in the beginning. I believed my boss for all the promises he made, little did I know some of it were lies, and it made all the difference. Initially I wanted to stay here for 2 years, but the situation now has certainly speed up the process of me leaving this hell place.

Mr XXX, the external auditor, was looking through my training records before he remarked, "you have very good results, you are brilliant, what are you doing here?" I am very grateful by the kind words Mr XXX uttered to me. Over the past one year, I have not heard of my boss praising me or thanking me for my hard work. Every time he dropped by my room, it was to give me more work, if not to complain about something. He did not outrightly scold me, but nothing was simply good enough for him. It made me feel that I am not good enough, but in reality, the order for SRM has improved a lot since I came. I believed part of the reason was for the quality control that I did for all the rubber, which my boss will never know and will not bother to acknowlege.

I have great future ahead of me. This experience have certainly taught me great lessons in life, and I am grateful that I got them when I am 24 and not when I am 42. As for my boss, I finally came to understand how some people can be so hated as a famous cliche says, respect is earned.

Sometimes amazing gifts come in small packages, and sometimes they come wrapped in soft white and brown fur. So it was with Oreo.

He came to me when I least expected it - I was just 17, still in high school and excited about life. I have just embraced a new found love for little puppies because for the past 17 years of my life, I was afraid of dogs, just as my parents had warned me that they would chase and bite me. It came daunting enough that I was bitten a big stray dog, one that I tried to help in its depression and nurse back to cheerfulness.

But on that afternoon, a friend came to me and passed me a brown box, big enough to carry in my arms, but I was disinterested to find out what it was as I had just finished crying over some silly things. Nevertheless, I opened up the box and found a little shih tzu, slightly bigger than a guinea pig, looking at me. My eyes brightened up, and I let it run loose in my house.

Even then, Oreo, which had not been named at that time, ran about and played with me as though we had been friends for long time. Eventually, my little canine friend was named Oreo, and not Oldie, because it had white fur and dark brown fur and also, because Oldie sounded like Old Farts.

He hit his head on the couch countless times, and from then on, I questioned his IQ. How much did his little brain hold? When he lied down to rest, he looked like a pretty fur carpet. I was careful that I would not step on him. As days went by, Oreo proved that he failed obedience school like Marley did. All the corners of my house were tainted with his pee and how much joy did he had humping my soft toys.

My house was now almost a zoo. With fish, 3 tortoises, 13 hamsters and a dog, my parents complained of bad smell and bad hygiene. While others were busy studying, I was busy bathing my hamsters, bringing them to the vet when they were sick and dogsitting Oreo. It broke my heart when my little hamsters died. I watched them play the wheels, eat the corns and cabbages and some died of brutal deaths. One was bitten by a sibling, another suffocated herself, and my favourite, Tammy was accidentally squashed to death by my mum when he ran away. Oreo had a huge curiosity bite, played with my hamsters like they were some aliens.

Nonetheless, Oreo was with my faithfully through the years, through the weekends. Though he is now almost 8 years old, lost some of the vigor he used to have, he scores 100% on the loyalty scale. He waits for me at the door forlornly, and jumps at me the moment I get back. Just like humans, Oreo has his temperaments. He knew that when I changed my clothes, I would go out and hence he would ignore me until I came back. He is painfully afraid of thunders and rollercoaster rides. Once, I found him hiding at a corner somewhere due to the sounds of thunder. Oreo, like the male species, have a problem with odour. Despite stinking badly, I allow him to sleep on the bed with me and play with my bolster. I feel uneasy without the Oreo smell on my bed.

My parents told me that this ain't a dog who takes care of your house but that's ok. Some dogs are put on this Earth just to love you.