Confession of a drama queen - Episode 2

I realize that there's always something to write...cos I feel all the time. The irony is... I've been stuck at home every day for the past few weeks with nothing to see and no one to talk to, yet I still feel. Don't be mistaken. I am no artist so I do not need to feel to get inspiration. Yes... I am a scientist. I only need to memorize the facts and make potions in the right proportions. That is it..

Maybe it's good... having the whirlwinds of emotions... to know at least I'm alive.

My post entitled Confession of a drama queen had sounded depressing. With this, I am happy to announce that I am ready to put the unhappy episode behind me. There is no future in the past. There is no point whining and complaining all the time. Nothing gets achieved by that. And no one likes to hang out with a person who's upset all the time. But then I'm going to work things one at a time, I'm not going to push myself again.

I decided to be in peace terms with God again. I can't EXACTLY remember all the grudges I hold against God. This is one of the rare times when it is good that my memory fails me. Mid way through the whole ordeal, while my spirit was grieving like what the Bible calls "...a broken spirit dries up bones (Prov17:22)," I could hear the Holy Spirit gently calling me. One morning in my routine of hogging the computer once I wake up (yes, I'm a computer geek), I opened an email by the PKV Yahoo Group. Someone had posted a story, and tears began to roll down. Someone had asked, "Where are you God?" In the story, the angel revealed that God was there all along. There were many similar stories as such, I hadn't plan to read it, but the Holy Spirit has His way of speaking to me. Guess I am not that damnable after all. I still do not have the answers for my many questions. Questions like, "Why have you created someone so dumb, so out of place and never seem to get it right?" I despised myself. One day after I had a hangover, I passed by a big metal chain hanging on the ceiling of a building, I had a thought of hanging myself. It must have been the devil. The angel in me said, "If you have the courage to hang yourself, why can't you have the courage to live?" I walked faster and closed the door behind. I am a babe once again, at least I am on the right track.

To begin the journey, I could do help with a lot of encouragement. Anyone with me, please? People may think I am weak, I don't care. I am just honest. Thank you *with a bow* =)



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Challenges in life could either make you or break you. For me, I think it is the latter. Last night I had imsomnia again. So while trying to put myself to sleep, I took out a brown dog - eared notebook with the words GIBs (GIB simply meant "girls in blue", that time Men in Black just came out) written on the front page that YSL, Sookie, Prash and I used to write back in Form 2. Back then, that book was our means of communication as we were all in different classes and chances to meet were little. We took turns to write what we have to say to each other. As kids (teens), we were childish, sometimes selfish, naive and we didn't care what we would turn out to be. Now we do.

It is scary to think how lives have changed for us. For one, Siew Lian is the only one that I'm still keeping in touch with. People come, people go. That's how life works right? Maybe I would do things differently given another chance but there ain't turning back of time or time for regrets for that matter. Prash, YSL and I were put into the same class in Form4, but things were never the same again.

8 years ago, it was the age of mIRC, Spice Girls, Sailormoon, Titanic... what else? But one topic hasn't change much. Boys!!! Now no more boys la. We are talking about men here. We often made the proclamation, "I am in love with ....", like hello, that guy was probably just someone who was taking the same bus, a tuition mate or someone we meet in cyberspace or some camp! As I was flipping through the pages, I was taken aback by an apparent "vow" that I made to myself then. I wrote, "If I meet somebody I really like, I will not miss the opportunities to know him and express my feelings." Since it was a vow, and I am still me, does it mean I still have to keep it? Damn..

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The story of Andie and Ben

Andie was still the love struck baby that she was. The longing to be in Ben's arms was more intense than ever. What is Ben doing? Does he take a moment to think about me? Or is he all concerned about having fun, drinking, or worse still, being with another girl? These thoughts cloud her mind as she pens her thoughts in her ever faithful diary while waiting for George. George had asked her out the day before, and so she thought, there’s no harm in meeting someone new though she doesn’t consider it a date. toot toot… Andie reached for the handphone on the dressing table. George is here. She’d better get going.

The streets of Orchards are as quiet as ever. What should anyone expect, it was Sunday night. Plus it was holiday season. Andie had the urge to get a drink, some whisky or brandy, but in first meetings like that, she suggested coffee at a coffee house. Wrong choice.. the couch reminded her of the one that she and Ben sat on the other time they met. There she was, sitting at the stiff wooden chair trying to break the ice and get relaxed with George. As one would expect, Ben is not George and vice versa. But Andie was trying to look for Ben in George. She observed his movements, nah, George was not anything like Ben. What are you thinking? Andie shook herself to reality. It was then she realized how much Ben meant to her. How he managed to make her laugh. Ben was always so natural… just like the first time they both met at the fishing trip.

Andie looked into the gushing river beneath her as she tidied her hair in a bun and adjusted her glasses that have well hurt her nose. She looked like a nerd now but does it really matter now that she is some jungle? She checked her backpack - fishing gear, sunblock, water – and then zipped it closely as the voice of their tour leader, Ben rung in the background. It had only been an hour since she arrived on her first fishing trip but the sky was betraying them, there were signs of coming thunderstorms, so they had to turn back. She was never a fishing person, the only reason she agreed to go because Amy wanted to. And no one can refuse the request of a demanding best friend. Plus she really wanted to get away from the city.

Just as she got ready to turn, the big rock gave way. And thud, Andie hit her head and fell into the river. Passed out. Gulp….

The next moment she woke up, she felt a cold sensation all over her body. Then came Amy’s reassuring voice, “Honey dear, are you alright? You scared me like crazy.” It was not pitch dark yet, but in an hour time, it would be. The buzz of the insects usually gave calming effects, but not for this time. They were stuck. The rest of the team had left. Now there were only Andie, Amy and Ben, who had apparently saved Andie out of the waters. It was only right that Ben stayed. This was part of the responsibility of a leader, wasn’t it? Andie kept that kind gesture of this hero, only that he looks more ghostly than ever. Ben’s hair had been wet while diving in the water, and now his fair complexion was more apparent than ever.

“The caramel is a little too sweet,” uttered George. George’s kind voice awaken her to reality. “Mine is fine,” Andie replied as she took another sip of her drink. As George told his stories of his Timbaktu adventures, she dunked in yet another dosage of thoughts on Ben. With the amounts of thoughts, she was building a tower of expectation, 101 Tower maybe. But was she ready if the tower collapses one day? The realization that it ain’t working. But she’d never know. It’s a bet. You’ll never know you win or lose until the end. So again, her mind was whisked away to Neverland.

The nurse at HKL wheeled her into the ward as Amy and Ben watched from behind. The doctor said she’s got hypothermia and that she needed a night to be monitored. She didn’t mind it. After all, she has been there at HKL for as long as she could remember. She’d worked there as an intern for almost a year now. The hospital smelled of nothing except for familiarity. Besides, she was too sick to be at anywhere else. At least she had the company of Ben and Amy. No more than few minutes, Andie dozed off to sleep.

It was like 6 something before she woke up. Ben was sitting at the couch trying to catch some sleep. He was freezing at 16 degrees, and the red sweater that he was wearing wasn’t helping at all. But the sight of him cuddling like a fetus and embracing the cold, just so to make sure Andie was alright, already won the admiration of her heart.

For the next few days, probably the next few months that followed, Andie was in a daze. They began the journey of friendship, and never for once was it easy for Andie to suppress the feelings for Ben. She tried hard. Sometimes she felt her fingers ready to punch Ben’s number, but she restrained herself. She didn’t want to appear clingy or needy. In medical terms, she could as well diagnose herself with heavy infatuation. At some point, she was confused. Did she like him for his near perfect qualities? He could run, he could play the guitar, he could heal (animals – he is a veterinarian. It was easy task to impress an animal lover like her), he was funny, lovable and sought after. So Andie thought why would Ben like an ordinary girl like her? Was there any way she could steal his heart? Then there were his shortcomings. He seemed warm at one moment, then cold and distant the next. She was never able to comprehend what is in his mind. She perceived that even if they do get together, Ben wouldn’t be able to give her the attention that she yearned. She began to fear, and fear is that one thing that kept her from marching on.

People say time flies when you enjoy life. For Andie, life passed slow as she awaited each weekend for the both of them to meet in that 2 short hours of pet training sessions. Ben provided free consultation for the animals, whilst Andie couldn’t be more compelled to bring her Golden Retriever along. It seemed like her Elmo had formed a bond with Ben, and she couldn’t help to be pleased with the sight of them playing together. Sometimes Andie played along too. Ben has this ability to bring in the smile in Andie, and it takes away the rigidity and formality off her. Long hours at the hospital have stripped her from all compassion and soulfulness, and it was Ben’s assigned mission to restore it. Ben was one who brings out the Andieness in her.

But the question is this: Did Andie matter to Ben as much as he mattered to her? He has had a long history of being a casanova, and Andie wondered if she was able to change that. There was certainly some chemistry going on, but was it enough to spark off their own romance? Would the relationship sustain? They have talked about the possibility of getting together, but each time they couldn’t come up to terms. The more they talk about it, the more the friendship was soured. It was a silent war, until it came to a point that they were no longer on talking terms.

The sadness in her eyes was so evident that the jazz music at Starbucks couldn’t help it, and George saw it. “Andie, you don’t look so alright. Are you sure you are fine?” George asked in a kind voice. “Sure, probably I just need to get some rest” Andie said to prevent more questions from George. “Okay, let me send you home,” George said as they prepared to leave.

As they walked to the car, the siren of an approaching ambulance became more apparent as it passed them. Andie’s stomach twitched all of a sudden. A bad omen maybe. Minutes later, her phone rang. It was from Amy. Ben had been involved in an accident, and now he was losing more blood than he could afford.

Throughout the journey to the hospital, Andie didn’t say a word. She couldn’t afford to lose Ben, could she? She prayed quietly in her heart. As she made her way to the hospital entrance, a thousand thoughts went through her head and her stomach churned that she was almost ready to throw up. Ben’s family was already waiting there. Their worried faces made her even more nervous. A minute seemed like eternity as they waited in silence.

Finally, the Emergency ward door flung open. All of them heaved with relief as they were told that the operation had been successful. A bunch of the nurses wheeled Ben out. Ben was exhausted, yet he smiled weakly at Andie and mumbled something. Andie pulled over to his bedside and listened.

“Andie baby, you kept me alive. When I was fighting for my life, all I thought was you. I didn’t fear dying, just afraid that I won’t be able to see you again.”

Andie nodded with tears of joy. And from that moment they began the journey of a dream.

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Deepavali 2006

At Punitha's house

Me and Puni taking photo with...what's that again? Her efforts ok!!

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Change is the only constant in life

I used to love everything prim n proper....but now I prefer a little disorder. Life is no fun when things are way too in order. It's like if you do this, you should expect this kind of effect.

I used to stay at home where I could not be disturbed, try my level best to study at the given time... but now I can't. I need to be out at night. Starbucks or something.


I used to cry, bang my head on the wall, pull my hair when I get upset... but now I do something a little less damaging to my body... could be damaging after all (watching mid night movies? Ahmnnn..)

I used to be very kaku, my face was easily readable... but now you don't know when I'm faking. (Don't worry I only fake in front of ppl I don't like)

I used to believe the concepts, ideas, as long as positive ones that people throw at me... but now I am much more sceptical.

I used to classify good and bad people according to their spirituality... but now it's according to how they treat me.

I used to fall in love with guys who are goody two shoes... but now I prefer somewhat the vice, even if they could be jerks.

I used to be ignorant about stuff like make up and skincare... but now I am way too concerned (Thanks to Jol who taught me back in form 6)

I used to go shopping as a form of stress releasing therapy... but now I have newer therapies which could equally be as expensive.

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"I wouldn't want a man who was really wicked.
But I think I'd like it if he could be wicked, and wouldn't."
----Anne of Anne of Green Gables

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Random Photos of this year




Good to have flowers around me. Oxygen suppy. Sniff sniff..
Oreo with scary eyes...Yee Lin and Li Ching at EMERGE .... bro's bday at home. You can tell, he's like wearing a rag

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Dad's philosophy

Scene at mamak while drinking teh tarik and eating yau cha guei

Dad: I wonder what is the max speed of this car(the new Myvi)..

Me: You can try it

Dad: Not worth risking life for. Life is more important than this car. Than money. Than hot girls.

Me: (Jaw almost dropped. Awed by dad)

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