I don't know what to believe anymore but all I've been looking for is here all along

I wanted to cry so badly. At least when I cry, I relieve myself of all the emotional  baggage. When I cry, I find myself searching for my true self. After lying on the bed for some time, tears finally strolled down my cheeks which I rubbed off with my comforter. They were not gushing tears, only a few minutes of slow hot tears. But that was all I needed to come to my true self.

My true self who is angry at God. Angry that when I believed in His promises they did not come to pass. His promises for blessings and happiness. Instead, I found myself in the same vicious cycle that I was in last year. Just angry that life did not turn out at my best interests.

Angry enough to stop believing in love. Disappointed enough thinking that love is for the elusive. Disappointed at myself that I am not the Christian I should be. That I still have very much of my shortcomings and my inability to resist shortfalls. That I begin to think of myself too lowly to deserve any love.

I am trapped in this pursuit of happyness. But at the end of day, I realized all that I have been looking for is here all along. I just need to receive it once again. As I have been told, you can't run away from the truth. Now is time to deal with it.

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Random thoughts

1. I don't think I believe in love anymore, but because God is LOVE.. I will try to believe once again.

2. Oreo's tail has a pulse

3. I kinda like my new  hairstyle. I think short hair is not too bad for me.

4. I like being a salsa recruiter. To date I recruited 5 ppl to join salsa.

5. The alchemist say, "If you want something bad enough, the whole will conspire in your favour to obtain it." I want to believe in that but then it doesn't work sometimes, does it  really require begging?

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How did I get into Salsa

The salsera gets bored of the question, "How did you get into salsa?" It's a conversation that goes on behind the wheels when the salsero is fetching the salsera. Sometimes a salsera gets this question repeatedly by the same salsero. In the salsera's mind, she was thinking, "How many versions of the truth do you want me to tell you?" In the end, she came up with a standard answer for this standard question.

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The best thing I heard this week

The best thing I heard the whole week was to have Sam and Aisha, my salsa instructors to tell me:

"You've improved so much,"
"It's so easy to lead you now,"
"You're no longer nervous but now have the skills of fake it till you make it,"
"Consistency pays."

To me, their compliments are precious because it's rare, their standards are absolutely high so they really mean it and it's not for pulling my legs. If you are no good, Sam is not relentless to pass his sarcastic comments. Of course, they don't know the story behind: the diligent practices with Jim every Wednesdays.

I remember asking Jim, "what do I get from these practices?" Jim replied by saying that we will both improve in it. At that time, I felt all the practices were a little too drilling for me. I make time for something, it also means I have to give up other things till I got a little frustrated.

But now I realize I can't afford to lose the practices especially when they are key to improving my moves. With Jim away to conquer the seas, I will be missing a few practices again. A whole month in fact!!! I need to find an alternative.

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Weird dream

I had a weird dream about someone I had not met for 3 years. Joseph. Yes Dr Joe. In my dream, he was back in KL and I was supposed to send him off to the airport. At this airport that looked like a bus station, he had to buy his air ticket (makes no sense, who buy tickets 2 hours before they fly?). He was hungry and was queuing up to buy food. After that, we rushed to buy ticket but this airport suddenly it turned into a traditional church where we had to sing hymns from the hymn book.

Pretty meaningless dream, but at least it takes my mind away from the missing J in my life now. Weird, "J" is also missing from my car plate.

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I have been driven out of my own house

I know all the well meaning people who told me:

1. Sleep early so that I can have enough sleep
2. Since you are awake at 6am in the morning, why not you pray?

But you see, 6am has been traditionally my sleeping time since my uni days. Why am I awakened at 6am against my will? Why is the damn thing across the street, barely 100m away from my house, blasting loud at 6am in the morning?

Enough is enough!!! It's been a year since I suffer due to the stupidity of certain sects of society. I am really tired of having to go through this every morning. I thought about moving out from my house just to escape this nonsense. But where can I run away from my own house? I am not having problems with my family... the distance from my house to my office is just right.... I don't need to pay rent staying in this house... any I have my mum to cook me dinner... but I have to run away from my house because I can't get enough sleep EVERY NIGHT and is starting to show to show health and mental problems a.k.a. migraine cum irritability.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
—United States Declaration of Independence, 1776

More than 200 years ago, the US acknowledged that every man is created equal. How can I pursue happiness when I don't even have the right to sleep soundly at night. Somehow, over here, such fundamentals do not exist.

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My 50 things to do in life

I stumbled upon a website which suggests 50 things you should do in your lifetime. Here's some of it:

1. Watch sunset or sunrise - Had a blast at Broga Hill and eat Kajang satay but did not watch sunrise.
2. Pass on a nugget of knowledge - Teaching Jolene F6 Maths.
4. Scuba-dive -  Are you kidding me? I wanna go diving for real!!!
5. Grow something - I grew taugeh before. Apart from that, all plants die in my care.
6. Become a parent- Yes by faith!
7. Ride a rollercoaster - Done it so many times - Sunway Lagoon, Genting Corkskrew, Ocean Park "mo tin loon"
9. Visit Paris - Some day...
11. Tell someone you love them - I told Oreo that I love him, is that counted?
13. Read a classic novel - Alright I have done this quite ok
15. Go to the theatre - I will go with someone special
16. Learn to swim - I taught someone to swim in fact, though I'm a cacat swimmer
19. Have a favourite joke - New one will be Wonderwoman, Superman & Invincible man joke
20. Go to a concert - Been to a magic show. Is that considered?
22. Treat yourself to a health spa - Yes, Bali was sweet
24. Be creative - this isn't too hard. Can try asking Jolene what I did for her one Christmas.
25. Take a hot-air balloon ride - One day
27. Climb a mountain - I'm supposedly going to do that at Mount KK but I don't know if it's still gonna happen.
29. Christmas in New York - This is a good one
31. Go to a sporting event - Been to Bukit Jalil for Commonwealth Games
32. Take a walk in the rain - Ah sweet..
33. Surprise someone - honestly I haven't been doing this for a long time. Plan to do something later part of this year. But I don't know if that's still gonna happen.
35. Sleep under the stars - That's so romantic!
36. Visit the pyramids - I have been to the Angkor Wat, another Wonder of the world consider rite?
38. Learn something new - Been at salsa & bachata lately. Loving it more day by day.
41. Sample foreign food - That's the beauty of backpacking. You get to do that all the time.
42. Go whale watching -I wanna swim around sharks
43. Cook something - I just did today with the Taiwan sausages. But honestly, I will do that for the person I love. And he must appreciate it though it sucks.
44. Get tipsy with good company - I can't remember getting tipsy lately
48. Serenade someone - I rather someone serenade me
49. Visit a museum - Macau Maritime Museum, Macau Museum, Cambodia Museum, Tuol Sleng Genocide Museum, Sun Yat Sen Memorial Museum - somehow I haven't visit Museum Negara

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"I'm a lonely ghost of a man"


By any luck, I stumbled upon the abridged version of Christmas Carol with my student some time this year. As I flipped the pages, I thought to myself what a great Charles Dicken's book this was.

Ebenezer Scrooge was a cold hard man. He lived alone and he didn't treat well the only people whom he knew, his nephew and co-worker Bob. The only thing he chased was money. But on Christmas eve, all these were going to change forever. It took dead Marley to tell Scrooge of the heavy chains which could only be loosened by love and generosity. And the ghosts of Past, Present and Future to remind him of the sad childhood he had, a sad life he was going to have if he wasn't going to change.

Ghost of Girlfriends Past is an adaptation of Chrismas Carol with the addition of romantic elements. A casonova, Connor Mead, hitting on women as though they were commodity, and leaving them alone the next morning.

I cried at the scene where Jenny woke up alone without Connor snuggling her the next morning. Jenny cried because she had sincerely believed that Connor would change for her. But he didn't. And Connor left not because he didn't love her, but because he knew he has fallen for her and was afraid that things would not work out. He simply didn't believe in love.

"If there is one thing you learn tonight, it's this. The power in a relationship lies with whoever cares less."

Another touching scene was the one at the Jenny's church wedding. It was heartbreaking for Connor to watch Jenny marrying another man. As he walked down the aisle he saw Paul, his brother without his wedding ring. It dawned upon him that he was the one who broke his marriage up. Connor followed Paul as he walked and aged through the woods. The woods ended at the grave of Connor Mead. As Connor watched his own funeral, he realised his life was empty despite being glamourous.

"Connor Mead was a lot of things to a lot of people, not all of them good things but to me he was a great brother. I guess it's just me against the world now."

I paused for a minute to think of the chains I carry. I truly think that the world is crowded with the wrong values. Love and loyalty have been shallowed down. People call it quits when things are not working well. People don't try hard enough to make relationships work. People don't work hard enough to woo the one they love. And it is certainly not true that what you can't get will be the most precious. The word "love" sends chills to the spine that people don't even have guts to utter it.

"Life, you know, it's like a quick cup of coffee, if you haven't got the guts to love someone, love them with all you've got, then you end up drinking alone."

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