Journey of a Dream

It's 6.30 in the morning. I should still be on the bed but Oreo woke me up with his panting. And the room had been really hot with the air cond malfunctioning. My eyes are still heavy. They are dry but I just got them wet again. I made a terrible mistake. When you buy a pen for instance, your only hope for the pen is to keep writing and be consistent. I don't expect the pen to give me surprises by writing in different colours. I just want it to perform the way I wanted it to.

I made a terrible mistake. I wish I could reverse on it. But I know deep inside I couldn't. Sarah taught about the happiness trap. Yes I fell into that trap. But it wasn't for money. I know money can't make me happy. I hate being alone. For that matter, I hate walking into church 52 times a year alone. There are so many things I hate doing alone. Such as when my car got hit I fixed the whole thing alone. Nobody gave a shoulder to lean on.

Friends could only listen but what I really wanted was a shoulder. And I wanted the shoulder so badly. Then I find myself in that vicious cycle. It was sunny today. But the other day was cloudy. It didn't matter. I'm still gloomy every other day.

The good thing about having a busy job is you really have no time to think about a lot of things. But in between finishing my testing and visiting the other lab, I know misery is there. And it caught me off-caught at times. The other day I was looking for some samples in the solvent room. I felt suddenly that I wanted to end everything by consuming any of the chemical. It would end very quickly but no, I shrug myself to reality.

All I want is the pen to behave consistently. I didn't know the pen will say, "no, I won't write for you on alternate days, on weekends too." And for the coming week, the pen to say to me, "sorry I don't know when I will work." The thing is, I want the pen to work very well.

Alas vanity is vanity. All is vanity.

Oreo woke me up with his panting. He's ready to play to with my bolster but wait, I'm not ready to wake up! I slept at 2am in the morning after paradiso bachata night. My salsa classmates weren't there. But thankfully, a bachata classmate came and danced with me. And Siew Lee was there to accompany me. The dance floor was exceptionally big and overwhelming and dancing with so many experts is a reminder how much I need to improve myself. There weren't a lot of ppl. Maybe I should have gone to Salsa Havana.

There were some things I took for granted. Such as the liberty of having my own room. Talking to myself. The comfort of Internet. Paying my bills online. Finding out how much I still owe PTPTN. Checking my friends' blogs. Facebooking. Checking and replying my emails. Youtubing salsa n bachata videos. MSN. Getting in touch with the latest news. Going to work every day knowing that I will have a carpark. Having breakfast and bitching about Mr Cock with Mr Dot at the coffeeshop down the road. Not having to walk under the sun and wear those big Ronald McDonalds boots. Not those safety glasses that make me feel sleepy.

Gosh I am beginning to miss all these. Why do human beings begin to realise how certain things/ people are important only when they lost it? When will we stop taking things for granted?

The endless assuring hugs. The couch so perfect for making out. The nose once thought was pretty. The lips so kissable. Somehow it has turned to endless grumbles. Pain in the ear. Embarrassment. A burden. A taboo to be avoided. Something/ someone you can't acknowledge in the public. Feeling annoyed just because someone cares too much to worry about you. And then you tell her she made herself look stupid.

There were some things that happened in the past that I wish I could wipe out from my memory. Memories I wish could be eternally deleted by a click of my the mouse, but unfortunately, as much as I desire, human beings are not wired in such a way.

It could all be summed up in my 3 previous posts: here, here and here

It used to hurt me really much until the point the I decided to forget it. I avoided it like a plague. I didn't cry. I stopped asking why. I pretended it never happened. I thought I got over it.

But I didn't.

It is the fear of being betrayed. The fear of being abandoned. The fear of being unloved.

Lately, my friend led me to read something about He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. It was a poem he wrote for his ex gf (I think so!) before we even met. He wasn't aloof, he was idealistic, loving and passionate. All the more, I couldn't understand why it all happened.

I don't ask to turn back time. I believe it was for a good reason that it all happened. Thinking about it, the damage was not all that bad. At least not physically. I had exagerated it.

Fast forwarding to the present, I do not regret what began as Comedy Night. I can feel the doubts already that maybe it shouldn't have been. I hate the aloofness, though it was not always.

Disclaimer: Written at 5am - packed with emotionalism!

Last night a friend of mine told me I am prone to attracting rich/ good looking guys (maybe that's my talent), but somehow, never end up with them after a few strides.

Few years back, I met a guy who owned a Chevrolet and a curry factory. He was crazy about me, brought me to Lunar Bar and took me to Poppy's. He bought me expensive deep water pearls (sadly I wasn't a fan of pearls), I was genuinely touched by his sincerity but not wanting to lead him further, I told him that it wasn't going to work. I wished him all the best and now - he's deeply in love with his girlfriend. What I did to him was cruel, but I am sure he wouldn't trade anything for his current happiness.

Surely, the prospect of getting married to a rich guy was so tempting. But at that time, I was idealistic, I believed in Chemistry. I believe in a guy who will sweep me off my feet. I needed sparks. Who cares about money?

Some time later, again at Poppy's (lao di fang), a guy came to tumpang my table while my friends were busy dancing. We started hanging out at my favourite place, the Curve, we drank Starbucks, we watched Platinum class movies together, he brought me to Alexis, we celebrated Valentine's Day together. And then he told me, he was up to something big. For the few weeks that followed, I saw him on the CLEO magazine. He rose to his little stardom, became one of CLEO's 50 bachelors. And then I did not hear from him ever again.

And I don't understand why this Bachelor guy literally disappeared from my world, until a week ago, I met him at my dance studio party. I hadn't expected to see him there but he was there, alive and ready to rock the dance floor. I still couldn't understand.

Few days later at Little Havana, I met an old friend who had been in the same high school. Coincidentally, she was Bachelor guy's Tango partner. She asked me, "are you one of the girls he picked up?" So it was then I realised I had been "picked up". I just wanted an honest sincere friendship and not treated like the clothes that you can try out at the departmental store. It bruised my ego.

....(edited)...(and still needs some editting)...

All of a sudden, Jane Austen's Mansfield Park reminded me,

"Loving, guiding, protecting her, as he had always been doing ever since her being ten years old, her mind in so great a degree formed by his care, and her comfort depended on his kindness, an object so close and peculiar interest, dearer by his own importance with her than any one else at Mansfield what was there now to add, but he should learn to prefer soft light eyes to sparkling dark ones?"

In modern terms, what a girl wants, what a girl needs, is to be shown affection.

Apart from my bed, my car is the one property that is precious to me. I remember my sweat and tears when I paid for the downpayment for my car. Not only that, I have to fork out RM500 every month as an installment. My car has brought me to many places I have never driven to and yea, despite not liking to drive, I appreciate what my car has done for me.

This morning, I woke up in the middle of the night, thinking of the 3 visible lines that someone had obviously used a sharp object, a blade maybe, to scratch my car. I am saddened that most likely it is done by my co - workers, maybe for revenge, maybe they are not happy that they got a pay cut, but for whatever reason or motive, it's a very childish act.

I related the incident to Mr Dot, and while inspecting my car, Mr Cock came and asked what happened. After talking to him, we decided that it was some sort of sabotage by a certain party. To my relief, Mr Cock even offer to pay part of the repair for my car. Maybe Mr Cock is not as bad as I perceive him to be. 2 brownie points for Mr Cock.

As for my beloved car, it will keep running.

As a sequel to my last post, things have took a worse turn, in which I have no choice except to do what is necessary for my own future. Now, Mr Cock doesn't even have the courtesy to tell me what he wants to do and bypass me to go straight to the staff, which means 2 things. Firstly, he is afraid that I would oppose him. Of course I would given the unfair treatment where everything was for his own benefit and to oppress other people. Secondly, that just proves enough that he has no respect for me, in fact anyone as he looks too highly upon himself. Just the day before, he blamed me because one of the staff had measured the thickness of the cigarette paper wrongly. He said, "how you all do things?" I was fuming mad because he was now not using his brains before he talks. I wish he could bring his brains out.

One year ago, I just thought Mr Cock was just a person with bad PR skills. I did not blame him when he could not talk to people properly. But as it turns out, he is the worst of the lot. If it was just a matter of personality, I would have been more empathic but now it's an issue of character. He has no compassion for people, he oppresses people for his benefit and and makes use of people and gets rid of them when they are no longer useful to them.

1. The benefits here are like shit. If we are sick, no matter how sick, we need to drive to the office, fill in the form and get approval from him. We have to look sick enough because he would not accept reasons like backache, no matter how painful. Then we can only go to ONE clinic in the world because that's the only panel clinic we have got.

2. He is very calculative with us with things like time out, punctuality and even sugar, coffee, milk and tea. The hand wash liquid here is diluted 10X that 10X washing could not clean my hands.

3. Company lunch here is KFC. So much appreciation for the staff?

4. Everyone, Mr Dot and all the office staff has been telling me that one day Mr Cock would terima his balasan.

5. A courier service lady came to discuss issues with Mr Cock about consignment and at the end of the meeting, she came out and remarked that if she is to see him on the road, she will langgar him until mati.

6. Mr Dot told me that if he is to see Mr Cock begging on the road, he would not help him.

7. Mr XXX, the external auditor is a man of principles. He would not even talk to Mr Cock a word other than about audit knowing that he is such a shrewd man.

8. One day, Mr Cock met with an accident and his car was damaged badly. Instead of being sympathetic, the staff laughed at him. At that time, I could not understand but now I do.

As for me, why am I working for a shrewd man? It's time to ponder and think.