Journey of a Dream

Someone said, "Pain is weakness leaving the body". If that is true, (Emotional) pain is weakness leaving the soul.

And I've been feeling this pain for as long as I could remember. I live life everyday hoping that time flies faster, because time heals everything. But till today, I hate myself, because the pain stuck with me. There is still weakness within me.

My first encounter with depression was a few years ago. At that time, I was in my final year in university. It was the first time in my life I met with a traumatic accident that left me with a hemorrhage in the eye and begging for my family to give me money to repair the car. It was the first time in my life I felt so alone, and from then on life just seemed meaningless. For months, every evening I sat at the side of the pool (at that time I was staying in apartment) thinking of nothing. That semester, my results suffered so badly. I have never been truly cheerful since then. I lost faith in life, I lost faith in people, to a certain extent, I lost faith in God.

Only a semester later, I felt better and declared myself depression-free. But like I said, I was never truly cheerful since then. It was a seed of depression in me that I know has the potential to blow up again.

It blew up in 2009 so much that I had suicidal thoughts. It blew up in 2010. This time, it felt exceptionally long. The pain felt so long and deep that I want to run away. I can't count the number of times I turned up at work with swollen eyes. There were also days I drowned myself with work. But mostly, I felt the need to run away.. I want to run away to a place that I can begin everything anew, where my memory can return to 0 byte.

But like I've said in my previous post: You are the sole creator of your reality. Right now I just feel so powerless of my reality.