Journey of a Dream

It's 6.30 in the morning. I should still be on the bed but Oreo woke me up with his panting. And the room had been really hot with the air cond malfunctioning. My eyes are still heavy. They are dry but I just got them wet again. I made a terrible mistake. When you buy a pen for instance, your only hope for the pen is to keep writing and be consistent. I don't expect the pen to give me surprises by writing in different colours. I just want it to perform the way I wanted it to.

I made a terrible mistake. I wish I could reverse on it. But I know deep inside I couldn't. Sarah taught about the happiness trap. Yes I fell into that trap. But it wasn't for money. I know money can't make me happy. I hate being alone. For that matter, I hate walking into church 52 times a year alone. There are so many things I hate doing alone. Such as when my car got hit I fixed the whole thing alone. Nobody gave a shoulder to lean on.

Friends could only listen but what I really wanted was a shoulder. And I wanted the shoulder so badly. Then I find myself in that vicious cycle. It was sunny today. But the other day was cloudy. It didn't matter. I'm still gloomy every other day.

The good thing about having a busy job is you really have no time to think about a lot of things. But in between finishing my testing and visiting the other lab, I know misery is there. And it caught me off-caught at times. The other day I was looking for some samples in the solvent room. I felt suddenly that I wanted to end everything by consuming any of the chemical. It would end very quickly but no, I shrug myself to reality.

All I want is the pen to behave consistently. I didn't know the pen will say, "no, I won't write for you on alternate days, on weekends too." And for the coming week, the pen to say to me, "sorry I don't know when I will work." The thing is, I want the pen to work very well.

Alas vanity is vanity. All is vanity.