Journey of a Dream

It's kinda ironic how holidays can make one feel tired when the original idea of a trip is to rejuvenate oneself. The more holidays I went, the more tired I became. I spent many hours pre - trip researching information with regards to the trips.. going to embassy to get visa done. Then I also spent many hours working for money to go on those trips. During the trips, I get exhausted because I maximize every possible hour when I am at the foreign country. Even during flights, I would read up more information, in case there is anything that I might have missed out. Coming back, I could only afford a few hours rest because the next day I had to go to work. So many times, I was drained up physically and emotionally. The trips were simply too demanding and too much to sacrifice for.

At some point in life, I believed that my existence on earth was to travel around the world. Today, that belief seems too shallow to me. Since I don't quite like work, travel is the nemesis of it and of late, I am not ashamed to admit it. Like duh... who does?

That is just the half truth.. The whole truth is that "I don't like my work at this moment, there had been better times, and there will certainly be times in the future I will put in my best... It's just that, it just kinda suck right now."

Which means, I believe I am capable, because I was capable in the past, I am sure I can repeat those feats again. I can spend hours and hours pouring into work with enthusiasm and passion, and money, reward and appreciation are the by - products of my efforts and passion.

Sure, I love to travel. Sure, I love to dance. Sure I love Oreo. Sure I love to go to the gym.. these are also passions inseparable of who I am. But work provides me with some sort of satisfaction and defines my self - worth. So at the end of the day, I still need to work which means, I am not really the housewife material.

Having said that, it does not mean that I agree to the idea of househusbands. I somehow don't see myself taking the active role of breadwinner by waking up to work every morning, while my hubby prepares breakfast, gets ready the dinner, babysit the kids and tuck them to bed and by the time I reach home, they are already asleep.

So I suppose, balance is the keyword here.

I can't sleep without writing this post. About a month and a half ago, I bought this book while shopping at Chitta Mall at Ara Damansara. Some time ago, I read Robert Kiyosaki's Rich Dad Poor Dad, which was equally as expounding, but at that time my working life has just begun, so I did not give much of a thought.

However, this time round, I chewed on this book as if it has life's treasures in it. I started reading this book less than a month ago, but I have yet to finished because I was taking my time to note down all the important points which are... too important to miss.

To some, the subject of financial freedom seem unattainable and far fetched. It was exactly the reason that after I read Rich Dad Poor Dad, I did nothing much about it. Actually, over the past 2 years, I did put some actions like attending seminars to gain some financial education, but other than that, I didn't actually start investing. The reason? I have no bucks for investment.

But now, I have a renewed zeal. I understand now that before I can earn big bucks, I need to have the millionaire mindset for it. In the past, I used to think that rich people are filthy, and they acquire their big bucks through their filthy ways. Today, I understand that these thoughts are stumbling blocks to whom I want to be. I also used to think that money is not important, this is also crappy.

To really understand what I mean, one has to really read the book.. I am usually a skeptic, but there's just so many truths in it.. if only one chooses to believe.

The fears I had lately had caused me anxiety. I was easily agitated, moody, restless, tensed up and at times, could not even sleep.

Firstly, it was the worry that what if my Jogja budget was blown up? I had precisely 1 million rupiah for 2 days and was worried that this might not be enough. In essence I am not that reckless, I had a buffer of 100 USD in case I needed more, or there is always credit card and use the tactic we did in Bali when money ran out. True enough, I spent precisely 1 million with my last two purchases of a batik robe for mom and kuih lapis. So I am over this fear.

Another fear that mushroomed the past few days that caused me to be weary is that my consistent student of almost a year now announced that he was stopping tuition because he wanted to study medicine. I somehow had planned to pay off PTPTN using my income from tuition, and with his announcement, my dream seem dashed. I told myself to be calm as there is a reason for everything that happens, and it is always for the better. I stayed calm and collected, and few days later my student told me he is continuing with his A Levels. So this fear has subsided too.

So, the third fear, was the fear of insecurity. Strange as it sounds, this is the first time that I do not feel secure being in PORK. If there is any weakness in PORK, it never crosses my mind that it is insecurity. But after my appraisal, I somewhat feels that this is all a conspiracy. And fear begins to grip me. Nobody really believe that I can do what I said I will do. But then again, when nobody believes in you, the least you can do for yourself is to believe in yourself.

I feel anxious... I am desperate to leave this place... But I haven't found a better option... and bonus time is not here yet. Another 5 more months. Can it be any more miserable?

For few days now, I have this imaginary conversation that runs through my mind again and again.. I imagine having a closed door meeting with Mr GM. He will try to "dig" from me what is the reason for my leaving, not as if he has not already known.. In my current emotional self, I want to tell him that Kite sucks, and she has this conspiracy to make me miserable.

I want to tell him one by one how Kite wronged me. How S&M will request something from her, she will sit on it a few days, when S&M chase her, she will demand to do it IMMEDIATELY. How rude she is. How she just doubts me. How un-knowledgeable she is about the subject matter. How micro she is..How she is the catalyst for my leaving.. But in the end, I just feel that there is no point in bad - mouthing a person. After all, that will leave me in a bad light, which makes things worse. Nevertheless, truth must be told. A soft version of the truth maybe.

So, if I imagine the conversation will go on something like this:

Mr GM: So finally, after our discussion that day, you decided to tender resignation?

Me: Yes, I think that is the best thing to do right now. I thank you for the opportunities that you, Lady Di and Ms Beautiful gave me. I really learned a lot from you guys. It was a truly enriching experience. And there are also a lot of people that I will miss here. But then I think this is the best thing to do now.

Mr GM: Why, are things so bad around here?

Me: Honestly, I come to work to learn and to contribute. And to get rewarded. I think all these are closely related. Since I am rated just rated "average", maybe I don't deliver enough value. Ever since you talked to me, I started putting in more effort, but in the end, things just didn't improve. In the end, I just got demotivated and unhappy.

Mr GM: Hmm, actually I can see that you put in a lot of effort. I thought things have improved between the 2 of you?

Me: No boss, what you see is actually on the surface. I tried to make things work. I put in more effort and become more tolerable. But in the end, things just didn't work. I guess, the both of us just have incompatible personalities to work together.

The conversation could just end here, or it could just go on.

Mr GM: Actually, it'll be the same everywhere you go. There are always difficult people to work with.

Me: Yes, I agree to that, but at the rate I am going, I don't think I'm happy. I have been unhappy since last year. But after the appraisal, I just decided that it is time to leave.

Mr GM: What was wrong with the appraisal?

Me: Well, I think that it was unfair that I didn't even have the opportunity to appraise myself unlike the previous year. She just decided that I was only worth that value. But I didn't say anything then cos I just felt that there is no point. In my humble opinion, people should be given the credit for doing the extra mile, but in this case, it is not appreciated. But I tell myself it is ok, I will find someone who will appreciate my value.

Mr GM: (Deep in thoughts and hopefully he feels the loss of a good employee)...

I don't know how this conversation will end.

Lady Di was about 30km away at the HQ. But today, I decided to Skype her. I asked her if the right procedure is to give the opportunity to an employee to appraise herself and then the boss amends it later. She said yes.. I told her I didn't even have that chance. 2 days ago, on the 3rd of August, which is precisely 2 years since I started work at PORK, Kite asked me to go to her room. Surprise birthday party is common. Surprise proposal is common (duh, when is proposal not a surprise?). But have you ever heard of surprise appraisal? More like an instant one as she had to submit to relevant authorities on that day.

She explained to me the points in the appraisal. In summary, I was rated "average". She said I had potential and that I have great ideas that are actually workable. She said my reports are very good and she could see that I had put in a lot of effort to stay back late to make sure work are done. But in my mind, I was thinking, how come this is not reflected in my points? So for all that I have done, I am just "average"... I wanted to defend myself. I wanted her to see the good things I have done.. but then, when a person already has a negative perspective about you, there is no amount of words that will cause her to give me more marks. So I continued sitting at the "berlakon" session until 1.5 hours passed. I came out of the room depressed and demotivated. I suddenly felt like a stupid fool for all the times I stayed back late. In fact, there were times I stayed till 9ish when it's dark and dangerous to walk to carpark. But I was dedicated. But in the end, I was just "average". Honestly, deep in my heart, I don't really believe that I am average. My philosophy is that EVEN if anyone is average but if he takes the effort to try to do things well, he should be awarded the credit.

Many thoughts are running through my mind, I find the need to search deep within myself and analyse what went wrong. I talked to few people I'm close with. My mind is quite creative,  I somehow came up with the thought that this is a conspiracy to get rid of me. Kite needs me now, but why is she treating me like this? The way I see it, she does not see that my work is of good value to her, and hence I am only "average".

I set a new KPI.. latest by 31st December the "letter" will land on her table. Since I do not deliver value and is not appreciated, why stay? Mr GM will tell me that everywhere you go is the same, you will face difficult bosses. I agree with him, but if staying here means permanently unhappy, why not I take the risk? At least if I take the risk, I can either be happy or unhappy.

One of the people I talk to about this is 7th Aunt. She's been a boss before and she is a lecturer now. She told me how she will never simply appraise her subordinates because this will affect their livelihood. She will also marks her students papers properly because this will determine whether they graduate or not. Anyway, that is besides the point. More importantly is that she struck a very important point. She said something to the effect that I have been talking about leaving PORK for some time already, I talk a lot but there is no action. It's true... And my next post is a reflection on that.

2 years ago, precisely 3rd Aug 2009, I landed my feet at PORK for my first day at work. A career would soon form here, for a period of 2 years at least.

On the first day itself, I didn't feel happy. My first impression was that this lab was really old. Went to see Lady Di. She brought me around the lab and showed me the things I needed to know. A more senior chemist took me for lunch at the canteen that day at the "instruction" of Lady Di. After a week of running through documents in the department folder which I had no slightest inkling, 1st in command Ms Beautiful gave me my first project, which was to create this S&M information pack for a new product that is used to make pearlescing effect in shampoos, etc.

This project somehow created a good rapport with Ms Beautiful. She was impressed with my Power Point slides. Soon, more projects landed on me. But at the lab, I had problems. The 2 more senior chemists were good friends, and they detested me. I had a lot of difficulty getting things done, but somehow, the tough environment made me strong, and I excelled even more. Lady Di and Ms Beautiful entrusted more things into my lap. Fate somehow changed things. The 2 senior chemists decided to fight with each other, and the most senior one, somewhat became my ally.

So after working for 1 year, I got my reward in the form of a good appraisal, and eventually a good increment. But again, fate got twisted. Ms Beautiful got promoted and moved on to the headquarters. As for Lady Di, she got promoted too. But a few months after that, she got transferred out. And then Kite moved in.

And then my misery begins again.. My next post follows up on this..

One of the people that tells truth straight to my face is SL, even though I think her of being too direct and sometimes, for having the facts wrong. But when she told me, " why do you always complain no money when you always go on holiday?" She was right on that. I think no one can be more frank than her. Sometimes what she says jolt me out to reality, at other times, nature just takes its course until I learned my lesson, such as when the painful emotional roller coaster ride with Unofficial Ex-boyfriend No2 took place. She warned me, but I did not heed her advice. One thing, that SL would not hesitate to take a swipe on me is how I spend my money.

I admit, I don't fare quite well in that sector and has very little discipline in it. The bad thing about me is that I remember my 16 digit credit card no, with the additional 3 no. What is wrong with me that despite my failing memory, I can remember all the 19 digits. And the effect is disastrous.

The Seoul episode is behind me now. Things went 90% as planned. There were hiccups here and there, but I think I did a pretty good job at planning the whole trip. Sometimes, there was fear in me. What if Bee Won Guesthouse suddenly did not have a room for me? What if Tour DMZ and Nami forgot my reservations? I know, for the slightest mistake that I do, I would be reprimanded, not through physical beating, but endless audio abuse that I have to bear. True enough, I can't remember a single day in that 6 days that I did not get scolding and nagging and complaints.

"What? I came all the way to see this tunnel?"

"The museum is boring."

"What? I traveled all the way by bus just to see this fortress?"

For the first few days, I just tried to bear it like I have for all these years. But as days went by, I wanted to retaliate. In the end, I chose to keep silent when pissed off. Somehow, this overshadowed the fun that I supposedly had in the trip.  Of course, the weather in Seoul did not help at all. By the end of the first day, the right side of my mouth was full of ulcers. By the second day, my left side too. Too much of kimchi and everything else red spicy and grilled. By the time I came home, they were all gone!! Thank God.

I was the planner, the navigator, the treasurer, the direction asker (bear in mind, I can't speak Korean either). No wonder, coming back I just felt so exhausted. It felt like an eunuch "siu kwai ji" serving the concubine (leung leung). Anyway, it's good being back in KL.

On the good side, I tried all the Korean food I know - bibimbap, mandoo (something like the Japanese gyoza or the Chinese "jiau zi"), bulgogi, rich cake, ginseng chicken soup, spicy chicken feet, green bean pancake, grilled pork skin (yes, the skin.. and all the oil that comes with it). I think I want to take a break from Korean food for 3 months.

Other than that, I bought a lot of masks.. Like a lot with olive, pomegranate, caviar, aloe, rice, lemon, honey, pearl, green tea, sea kelp, seaweed extracts. Apparently, each of this mask brings different effects on the face. Moisturizing, nourishing, brightening, vitalizing, exfoliating, soothing, hydrating. I also bought a lot of skincare products which can last me for 1 year. I also bought some shoes and clothes.