Journey of a Dream

I stumbled upon a website which suggests 50 things you should do in your lifetime. Here's some of it:

1. Watch sunset or sunrise - Had a blast at Broga Hill and eat Kajang satay but did not watch sunrise.
2. Pass on a nugget of knowledge - Teaching Jolene F6 Maths.
4. Scuba-dive -  Are you kidding me? I wanna go diving for real!!!
5. Grow something - I grew taugeh before. Apart from that, all plants die in my care.
6. Become a parent- Yes by faith!
7. Ride a rollercoaster - Done it so many times - Sunway Lagoon, Genting Corkskrew, Ocean Park "mo tin loon"
9. Visit Paris - Some day...
11. Tell someone you love them - I told Oreo that I love him, is that counted?
13. Read a classic novel - Alright I have done this quite ok
15. Go to the theatre - I will go with someone special
16. Learn to swim - I taught someone to swim in fact, though I'm a cacat swimmer
19. Have a favourite joke - New one will be Wonderwoman, Superman & Invincible man joke
20. Go to a concert - Been to a magic show. Is that considered?
22. Treat yourself to a health spa - Yes, Bali was sweet
24. Be creative - this isn't too hard. Can try asking Jolene what I did for her one Christmas.
25. Take a hot-air balloon ride - One day
27. Climb a mountain - I'm supposedly going to do that at Mount KK but I don't know if it's still gonna happen.
29. Christmas in New York - This is a good one
31. Go to a sporting event - Been to Bukit Jalil for Commonwealth Games
32. Take a walk in the rain - Ah sweet..
33. Surprise someone - honestly I haven't been doing this for a long time. Plan to do something later part of this year. But I don't know if that's still gonna happen.
35. Sleep under the stars - That's so romantic!
36. Visit the pyramids - I have been to the Angkor Wat, another Wonder of the world consider rite?
38. Learn something new - Been at salsa & bachata lately. Loving it more day by day.
41. Sample foreign food - That's the beauty of backpacking. You get to do that all the time.
42. Go whale watching -I wanna swim around sharks
43. Cook something - I just did today with the Taiwan sausages. But honestly, I will do that for the person I love. And he must appreciate it though it sucks.
44. Get tipsy with good company - I can't remember getting tipsy lately
48. Serenade someone - I rather someone serenade me
49. Visit a museum - Macau Maritime Museum, Macau Museum, Cambodia Museum, Tuol Sleng Genocide Museum, Sun Yat Sen Memorial Museum - somehow I haven't visit Museum Negara

It's 6.30 in the morning. I should still be on the bed but Oreo woke me up with his panting. And the room had been really hot with the air cond malfunctioning. My eyes are still heavy. They are dry but I just got them wet again. I made a terrible mistake. When you buy a pen for instance, your only hope for the pen is to keep writing and be consistent. I don't expect the pen to give me surprises by writing in different colours. I just want it to perform the way I wanted it to.

I made a terrible mistake. I wish I could reverse on it. But I know deep inside I couldn't. Sarah taught about the happiness trap. Yes I fell into that trap. But it wasn't for money. I know money can't make me happy. I hate being alone. For that matter, I hate walking into church 52 times a year alone. There are so many things I hate doing alone. Such as when my car got hit I fixed the whole thing alone. Nobody gave a shoulder to lean on.

Friends could only listen but what I really wanted was a shoulder. And I wanted the shoulder so badly. Then I find myself in that vicious cycle. It was sunny today. But the other day was cloudy. It didn't matter. I'm still gloomy every other day.

The good thing about having a busy job is you really have no time to think about a lot of things. But in between finishing my testing and visiting the other lab, I know misery is there. And it caught me off-caught at times. The other day I was looking for some samples in the solvent room. I felt suddenly that I wanted to end everything by consuming any of the chemical. It would end very quickly but no, I shrug myself to reality.

All I want is the pen to behave consistently. I didn't know the pen will say, "no, I won't write for you on alternate days, on weekends too." And for the coming week, the pen to say to me, "sorry I don't know when I will work." The thing is, I want the pen to work very well.

Alas vanity is vanity. All is vanity.

Oreo woke me up with his panting. He's ready to play to with my bolster but wait, I'm not ready to wake up! I slept at 2am in the morning after paradiso bachata night. My salsa classmates weren't there. But thankfully, a bachata classmate came and danced with me. And Siew Lee was there to accompany me. The dance floor was exceptionally big and overwhelming and dancing with so many experts is a reminder how much I need to improve myself. There weren't a lot of ppl. Maybe I should have gone to Salsa Havana.

There were some things I took for granted. Such as the liberty of having my own room. Talking to myself. The comfort of Internet. Paying my bills online. Finding out how much I still owe PTPTN. Checking my friends' blogs. Facebooking. Checking and replying my emails. Youtubing salsa n bachata videos. MSN. Getting in touch with the latest news. Going to work every day knowing that I will have a carpark. Having breakfast and bitching about Mr Cock with Mr Dot at the coffeeshop down the road. Not having to walk under the sun and wear those big Ronald McDonalds boots. Not those safety glasses that make me feel sleepy.

Gosh I am beginning to miss all these. Why do human beings begin to realise how certain things/ people are important only when they lost it? When will we stop taking things for granted?

The endless assuring hugs. The couch so perfect for making out. The nose once thought was pretty. The lips so kissable. Somehow it has turned to endless grumbles. Pain in the ear. Embarrassment. A burden. A taboo to be avoided. Something/ someone you can't acknowledge in the public. Feeling annoyed just because someone cares too much to worry about you. And then you tell her she made herself look stupid.

There were some things that happened in the past that I wish I could wipe out from my memory. Memories I wish could be eternally deleted by a click of my the mouse, but unfortunately, as much as I desire, human beings are not wired in such a way.

It could all be summed up in my 3 previous posts: here, here and here

It used to hurt me really much until the point the I decided to forget it. I avoided it like a plague. I didn't cry. I stopped asking why. I pretended it never happened. I thought I got over it.

But I didn't.

It is the fear of being betrayed. The fear of being abandoned. The fear of being unloved.

Lately, my friend led me to read something about He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. It was a poem he wrote for his ex gf (I think so!) before we even met. He wasn't aloof, he was idealistic, loving and passionate. All the more, I couldn't understand why it all happened.

I don't ask to turn back time. I believe it was for a good reason that it all happened. Thinking about it, the damage was not all that bad. At least not physically. I had exagerated it.

Fast forwarding to the present, I do not regret what began as Comedy Night. I can feel the doubts already that maybe it shouldn't have been. I hate the aloofness, though it was not always.

Disclaimer: Written at 5am - packed with emotionalism!