Journey of a Dream

Since the beginning of this year, I had one goal in mind. I wanted to run away from where I am now, because it's becoming too familiar to me.. For all my life, Klang Valley was all that I knew.. I had lived in Shah Alam, PJ Old Town, Kuchai Lama, Sri Sentosa and then coming back to Shah Alam.. The longest I ever left home was the 1 month when I went on the backpacking trip.. My soul longs for a change... A change so big that will turn my life around.. Yes,  I had been warned, it's not going to be easy.. "If you are not even happy here, what makes you think you will be happy elsewhere?" I agree with that to a certain extent but what makes me think I will be happy if I stay on for the next 10 years? I just wanted to give myself a chance.. and that involve taking a risk..

So I started doing my homework, I searched this and that website, decided to sit for English exam.. I know it's a long way to go and I am certainly making very slow progress.. How can I expedite this progress when I have to plan itinerary to go Tokyo, Seoul, Jogyakarta, Laos... That's not all, my tuition classes already takes up most of my time on Sunday.. Work is certainly not helping as by the time I get home, it's already almost 7pm.. and the last thing you have in mind to to begin another round of working.. Then at other times, gym which is very crucial to my physical health.. getting flat abs is one of my priorities this year. arghh, and I just bought this access to this language online website to learn spanish.. I've been wanting to learn spanish since started doing salsa..

PS; Tonigt I allow myself to crap a bit cos I slept poorly yesterday.. I dreamed that Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No1's new gf is a villain, and I was trying to warn him about it.. I guess, there's a part of me unwilling to let go..

All in all.. DISCIPLINE is the way to go..

Continuing from my last post about dealing with pain, it just amazes me how the brain works.. I have been going to Capsquare for many many times.. Most of the time, I went there with Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No2. But there were also times when I drove there on my own when Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No2 was away on his diving assignments..

But this time round as Joe drove, I completely had forgotten my whereabouts.. The roads looked very very familiar to me, but then they looked very much the same. It took us 1 hr to reach the place.. I was very "malu" to have wasted so much of Joe's petrol and time. I apologised profusely and was relieved that Joe will still keeping his cool.. Thankfully, he works in the Accidents and Emergency dept in the hospital, he probably knows how to handle this kind of scenario very well.

I believe the brain has a way of blocking unwanted memories.. Sure, dance was something that connected us, sure, Modesto's was where we spent a considerable amount of time together.. Also, there were also times that we skipped Modesto's to watch DVD on the yoga mat and drink soya bean added with protein powder (Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No2 is overly fetish about health).. So, I guess, in order to not remember all that, my brain has decided to remember what it wants to remember.. hence, causing my selective memory..

How do you respond when your ex's current girlfriend is stalking you? Not really stalking, but she added me on facebook.. and started asking me questions about him.. The way she asked me, I knew he ain't ordinary friend to her..

She probably doesn't know that I'm the ex (actually, he's not really my ex since we had never been official, he's my Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No1, but to simplify that, I shall just call him ex).

To cut the long story short, she asked me a lot of questions about him.. Of which I obviously know she's not in for a friendship with me, just for the sake of korekking his matlumat.. I said he is nice.. Then she asked me how is he nice to me? I didn't really reply her..

Coincidentally, this girl's birthday and mine fall on the same day.. Last year during my birthday, he already knew this gal, but he asked me out on my birthday anyway... That time, practice sessions with Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No2 just began not too long ago, so I didn't want to  miss it. I said no to him.. But as I linked the pieces together, I found out he gave her flowers and cooked spaghetti for her.. Aww so sweet of him.. That confirms that he was never really into me, cos he never cooked anything for me (on the merajuk mode now)!!

It feels really really weird to have your ex's new gf stalking you.. But then I'm really really happy for him if he finds the one (cos he's the type that is not easy to settle down)..

After all that I've been through these past few months.. no one can really know whether things happen for good or for bad.. Sometimes it's just vain to look for temporary happyness (spelt it like Chris Gardner).

I remember there was this day after watching movie and while waiting for Salsa Intermediate class to start at night, I went to hang out at Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No2's place.. That day I burrowed under his armpit like how Oreo does to me and he playfully asked my why I behaved like a dog.. 15 minutes later, I left for my salsa class, I saw a girl whom he had turned down.. That night, I felt like I've won some kind of war.. but look at how things turned out. I lost the battle. Alas, vanity of vanity.. all is vanity..

During my first 19 years of my life, I was confined to Malaysia grounds. So when at 19 years old my brother took me to Singapore for the first time, I was thrilled!! It felt a bit like katak finally getting out of tempurung. Ever since then, traveling had been my favourite things to do in life. A year later, sadly, when I finally had a chance to go to Melbourne to visit my aunt who was then studying there, I had to forgo the opportunity because my first semester at uni was starting even though I already had the air tickets with me.

Ever since then, I did not miss out on any opportunity to travel. Besides my yearly trip to Singapore, this is what I've done.

• 2005 - Beijing

• 2007- (1) Hong Kong, Shenzhen, (2) Chiang Mai, Ayuthaya, Bangkok, Siem Riep, Phnom Penh, Saigon, Nha Trang, Hoi An, Hue, Hanoi. The backpacking trip to Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam didn't go easy. I remember my mum going to Jol's house to coax her to cancel our plan. She even told Jolene that I'm a taufu who can't go through hardships. Of course, I proved her wrong. Guess who didn't vomit while on island hopping trip at Nha Trang? I really missed this trip and wondered how can mat salleh go on backpacking trips for a year, if not more.. I think I can understand why.. the things that you see is really different from what you see doing your deskbound job.. Even though coming back from that trip, I realised how lucky I was to be in Malaysia where standard of living is much better. I loved immersing in the Vietnamese culture, the Vietnamese just love shouting at each other and can be quite dramatic. The Vietnamese are quite petite and they look at Jol as if she's a giant.  Of course, over the one month of traveling together and spending day and night with each other can be quite challenging. There were times we could no longer take it and started yelling at each other.
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• 2009 - (1) Macau, Guangzhou, Foshan, Shenzhen, Hong Kong - Some may wonder why do I bother to go to the same place twice. The first time I went to HK, it was with my family following a tour, it was ok, except that going to HK during summer isn't such a great choice. The heat can sometimes kill half the fun. However, this second time round, I went to my friends during colder weather in January. I enjoyed this trip immensely even though there were hiccups along the way. The plus point of going just before CNY is that you do really feel like it's CNY here. (2) Jakarta (3) Krabi - I took the planning of this trip for 13 people entirely by myself. Honestly, after this trip, I have phobia for planning trips. People don't thank you when things are going fine, but the moment there is 1 hiccup, that is the big trouble. I made a big mistake booking a very lousy accommodation. Even though I did necessary research to read the reviews about the particular place I was going to stay, it was just beyond me when it turned out to be so lousy.. It's one of the lousiest place (if not the lousiest) guesthouse I have ever stayed. Even my budget backpacking trip did not come as this bad except for the "penthouse" we stayed at Long John's at Bangkok. This trip is kinda therapeutic.. I especially like the natural hot spring, dipping in those "holes" really took all my stress away (4) Bali -after planning Krabi trip, I didn't really have time to plan with Jolene. Afterall, we are seasoned backpackers. This is yet another grave mistake when we turned up at Kuta 2 days before the new year with no place to stay.. We walked for about 3 hours before we managed to find a place to stay.. Ubud was better, if there is any word I can describe about Ubud, it's "spiritual". I found a lot of peace here in the midst of all the trees..
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• 2010 - (1) Guilin, (2) Dubai, Abu Dhabi - This came as a surprise as just a week before my trip, my bro asked me over the Messenger if I would like to go there to visit him.. I gave him the details, and in less than a week, I flew there with my parents. Over there, there's just a lot of sand, cloudless sky, beautiful buidings and women dressed in burqah.. Everything here is so elaborate including the toilets. 
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• 2011- The best is yet to come. If nothing goes wrong, I should have 4 stories to tell..
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If you think where has all my money gone, here they are.. But I don't regret them all a single bit.. especially the first backpacking trip even though I was poor and just came out of uni.. I guess for me, nobody could stop me to do the things I really want to. I really really really love to travel, even more than dance.

In my previous post, I talked about how I deal with my own emotional pain. In most days, I think I'm doing a bad job at it. My way of dealing with pain involved a lot of manifestation in the physical. I cry. I can't sleep. I throw tantrums. I lose weight.

This time round, I see my pain seeping into my work, where I can see my work performance deteriorate. I'm no longer logical and rational. I become bitchy and irritable about every small little thing. I know there is something wrong with the way I deal with pain.

Worse of all, my pain affects me in a way more unpredictable than PMS. At least, for PMS, you know when it is coming and you get ready for it. But for this particular pain that I am going through, there is no day and no night. There are days when I have some very important things to do, and this thing will cloud my mind mind like a plague. I try to not let this pain disturb my routine, but I have a weak heart. I'm not talking about jantung heart, I'm talking about my kohelia, the core of my being.

But I do know, what I need is a quantum of energy to overcome this pain, this hurt, these memories, this past and to begin all things new. I know I will wake up one day feeling COMPLETELY ok. But as far as NOW, I can't see the light at the end of this very dark tunnel YET.

Looking at all around me, relationship problems are everywhere. Break ups, divorce, people having a mad spouse, not reciprocated love, infidelity.. etc. Let me just quote some examples from a recent conversation I had with my salsa mates (and some other examples as well)

1. Guy and girl used to appear at salsa places together. Guy went to Singapore regularly to see her as she is based there. Guy and girl then arrives separately at salsa, avoiding each other after break up.
2. Guy has a mad spouse, suppose to divorce but because she is mad, they are still legally married. Guy meets girl once every week, hold hands for a while, while shopping for groceries so that she still get the lovey dovey feeling, but don't stay together
3. Guy gave up salsa because new wife is not in the salsa scene. Suddenly, guy is back on the salsa scene again. Guy holds warm up party at his new place, guess he is shifting alone to his new place
4. Guy and girl together for a few years, then girl decides guy is not suitable for her, calls it quits. Guy gets heartbroken. Very common scenario
5. Guy thinks girl is not putting him first in her life. He misses his ex who is now married. He misses the way she put him first in her life, and how she was always happy seeing him.
6. Girl loves guy very much, have sex with his man every saturday night after movie. Went to Bangkok and Hong Kong for holiday together. The sound of their love- making was overheard in Hong Kong due to the hotel room too small. Girl wants to get married but guy evades the question. Girl suddenly did not contact guy for a few weeks. Guy finds it weird, went to her apartment to look for her. He saw her going up to an elder man's car. Guy confronts girl in the carpark. That was the last they saw each other. After a year, girl calls guy up. Told him it was difficult for her, but she had to do it, but still refuse to meet guy. Something zapped the guy, he became crazy and indulged himself in existentialism.
7. Girl gave up medical career in US to settle down in Malaysia because other half is here, but coming back here things changed. The very reason why she came back become invalid, she is finding solace in salsa.
8. Girl likes guy, but girl knows guy is merely looking for sex. Girl got mad after guy spoiled her shirt after an attempt to bed her.
9. Guy calls a doctor friend up every time after he has unprotected sex with his girfriend. Doctor friend is irked getting asked this question cos why can't he use the condom in the first place?
10. Guy drives girl to ROM (Registrar of Marriage). On the way there, guy asks girl, "are you sure you want to do this?" Girl got mad, tore the application away. After few months, repeated the same process, but this time got married for real. Guy not very happy after marriage. Guy's brother blame sister in law for being manipulative and controlling and thinks that all women are out there to hook some guy so that he has no way out.
11. Guy marries girl. Guy is a person high ranking in society,  but girl is a gambler and doesn't take care of family. Their product, a son, then thinks that marriage (aka woman) is the source of all problems.
12. Guy thinks girl is her soulmate, do everything together including sex, but girl doesn't want to be anyone's girlfriend. But she became another guy's wife.
13. Guy beats girl up before getting married. When girl pregnant, the beating stops for a while. After giving birth, the beating continues. Girl decides to divorce..

In all above, only 12 is fictional (500 days of summer) and 9 is joke aside. The rest are real life stories that I've observed all around me. Based on the above, relationship problems are way too common. The reason? In my humble opinion, it's because relationships now are sustained by a string and a paper clip. People give up on each other way too easily, and in the age of narcissm, it's their own pleasure and comfort that they seek. When things are no longer comfortable, they choose to give up. Then, why would anyone get married to a guy who can beat her up before getting married? You would have known this guy is trouble.

So looking at myself, I'm just having a common problem that everyone else is having. It's just that I tend to personalise the problem too much. Things have happened and will not change. No explanation needed.

Quoting an article from Internet, "Part of the struggle comes from the fact that there's no time-line for pain." I just need a quantum leap.

Someone said, "Pain is weakness leaving the body". If that is true, (Emotional) pain is weakness leaving the soul.

And I've been feeling this pain for as long as I could remember. I live life everyday hoping that time flies faster, because time heals everything. But till today, I hate myself, because the pain stuck with me. There is still weakness within me.

My first encounter with depression was a few years ago. At that time, I was in my final year in university. It was the first time in my life I met with a traumatic accident that left me with a hemorrhage in the eye and begging for my family to give me money to repair the car. It was the first time in my life I felt so alone, and from then on life just seemed meaningless. For months, every evening I sat at the side of the pool (at that time I was staying in apartment) thinking of nothing. That semester, my results suffered so badly. I have never been truly cheerful since then. I lost faith in life, I lost faith in people, to a certain extent, I lost faith in God.

Only a semester later, I felt better and declared myself depression-free. But like I said, I was never truly cheerful since then. It was a seed of depression in me that I know has the potential to blow up again.

It blew up in 2009 so much that I had suicidal thoughts. It blew up in 2010. This time, it felt exceptionally long. The pain felt so long and deep that I want to run away. I can't count the number of times I turned up at work with swollen eyes. There were also days I drowned myself with work. But mostly, I felt the need to run away.. I want to run away to a place that I can begin everything anew, where my memory can return to 0 byte.

But like I've said in my previous post: You are the sole creator of your reality. Right now I just feel so powerless of my reality.

Christmas used to be one of my favourite festive seasons. I remember as a kid, carollers would come and sing at my house. I would wrap the gifts my aunts have prepared, though knowing that one of the gifts are for me. In my teenage years, I learned the true meaning of Christmas which is the birth of Jesus Christ that ultimately gives me meaning to this life. There was never white Christmas, all the Christmas trees I set up in the house are not real, yet during every Christmas there is this homey and warm feeling all around. One of the most memorable Christmas when when i was 19 years old. Out of school, while waiting for STPM results, I was working at Giant, Kelana Jaya selling duck meat. Christmas songs played over and over as I struggled to make sales, but it was meaningful because every dollar that I was making that day was towards the building fund of the church that I just joined.

Few years later, Christmas eve equated to spending it at the clubs. This year, Christmas paints a brim picture of how my year had been. On the surface, it had been a good year.

1. I worked hard and my bosses rewarded with good increment. Most likely, bonus is gonna be good as well. 2. My brother got married and there's a new addition to my family.
3. I went to Guilin and UAE for holiday
4. My bachata has improved after taking lessons from Haan, Dance Connexions
5. My salsa has moved on to the next level which is Intermediate 1
6. I manage to clear most of my debts
7.  I got over something that bugged me so much in 2009
8. The relationship with my colleagues improved

All these, except for 1 thing that make me unhappy. Nevertheless, I am grateful for all of God's blessings