Journey of a Dream

I have been a movie buff since Form 6. Think Jo passed me the virus. We went after school (and once during school) to watch movies and once bumped into our class teacher, Mrs Ng. She is classic. Oh how much I miss her. Anyway, back to the topic, I love all types of movies, okay, almost all... but the ones I love most are definitely the highly inpirational type. They are stereotypical in terms that in the beginning, the characters struggle hard, but they triumph in the end.

I think I can identify with the characters. So often nothing seems to go right. I try so hard yet nothing improves. Worse, people think I am lazy (that is true to some extent) and I am learning to change. I really am trying. So that is why I always feel better after watching a good movie. I know I can triumph in the end. Circumstances may prolong but ultimately things will turn out for good.

Ratatouille - Remy got my sympathies when he realised how humans disgusted rats. That pitiful look when while overhearing the statements of a woman in the drain. But Remy, being a rat, was able to cook.

Pursuit of Happyness - "If you want it, go get it." Heard that? The inability to get a job as a chemist has really discouraged me that I want to give up all together. People tell me, "Why are you so stubborn? Why can't you settle with your current job?" When you don't like something, you tend to find a lot of reasons to say that it is not good.

It's true. I don't like the fact that it's a 5 and a half day week. I have claustrophobia. I don't like the job scope but ultimately, it is not my dream. I can't see myself doing this for the rest of my life. And being in this job for long will mean that I no longer can be a chemist. I wanna start fresh. It's my passion. You can never go wrong when you are doing something according to your passion.

Being a chemist means that I will have to give up on a lot of things. I give up the opportunity to meet people (I'll be stuck in the lab). I don't have the chance to wear nice clothes (who can see them under the lab coat anyway) and I risk being contaminated with chemicals. So why do I insist being a chemist?

Somehow, I have been so accustomed to scientific terms that they appeal to me. Words like pharmacology, pharmacokinetics seem to be more interesting than ...And time in the lab flies like a wind.

Fight the Giants - A Christian production that talks about the literal Highland Giants and figuratively the giants in our lives. The story line was kind of expected but hey, who doesn't like a football game. The main theme of the movie is nothing is impossible with God. Yes it is all possible.

"Why?" is probably the most asked age - old question in the world today. "Why?" had been the main theme in the book of Job, and it is still the question that baffled many until today.

Why am I scientifically wired?

Why can't I just like business instead?

Why did I give up the chance to study pharmacy in Singapore?

Why did give up the IT scholarship when offered?

Why did I earn only half the A's I needed to study medicine?

Why have I become cheap labour?

It's been one of the most terrible sleep I've had since shifting here. I hardly slept for an hour despite my physical wanting to do so. To my parents, they were surprised to see me rising me so early, as waking up in late morning has almost become synonymous to my name. After signing off my computer at 3am, I tried very hard to put myself to deep sleep, but some words replay again and again in my mind. All the words and the facts, they were as difficult to rid off as they were committed to memory. The scenes of that bitter defeat replay over and over again. It is such torment to watch that mind video again and again. I have yet to pass through that stage of disappointment.

Updated: It was yesterday..but the author moves on!! I can't read to finish reading Mansfield Park by tonight. A book a month. And tomorrow, there will be a very absolutely important report to write.

Disappointed.. That's all that I am feeling right now. We lost it so undignified!! For a few moments, the very words that I wrote at the BAT assessment that day, "Never give up," rung in my ears in that reluctant encouragement to myself. I have to practise what I preach. I should not give up, never. But the pain stuck close to my heart. So stupefied because of all the hard work put in, it has all come to nothing, not even a chance to use what I have so painstakingly studied. I told myself again and again that it was the participation and experience that matter most, not winning or losing. But the pain remains. Without talking to anyone and seemingly oblivion to anyone's presence or anything else, I drove home at 130kmh. I can't remember driving at this speed since I shifted here. I couldn't help myself but to allow myself an outburst of tears. It lasted 30 seconds. Hard word does not guarantee winning, we need a little more luck.

Luck.. what exactly is it? I have got no idea. All I know, I've been in my worst for the last 3 years to such an extent I stopped believing in myself. Due to job hunting, I had once again taken out all the certificates I have accumulated over the years. Each of it brings back sweet memories and I thought, 'was it me?' I remember the joyful glee when my name was read out, when I have done one of the best for physics competition. Then at another instance, I was handpicked to represent my school for the chemistry quiz. The word 'distinctions' stands proudly on that certificate. Where is that girl who was once so smart? Has she become stupid? All the 7 semesters have fall short under my expectations. I earned many A's, but all the C's and D's made up the difference. It then makes me an average, a word I am really not accustomed to. Alas, vanity is vanity.

Then, yesterday, I got an unexpected call. Having slept late doing a table for missionaries finals the night before, I was still in deep sleep when I heard the vibration. In my sleepiness I heard that I have passed the BAT assessment. Not only that, I was told that I was the only one who passed in that group of about 15 people, among whom chosen from thousands of people who sent in the resumes weekly. I was elated to the extent that after I broke the news to my parents I could not go back to sleep. Yesterday, I was on top of the hill. Today I am back to the valley. It's a rollercoaster ride.

Life has been good. Imagine waking up every day at 10 ++ am. Then go for lunch, study for Missionaries finals, and at night time, some time for the TV, some time for Internet and some time for Mansfield Park. Nevertheless, the reality of not earning is more real than ever as my pocket runs dry. My mind is very much intensed to finding a job now, but job hunting really ain't easy. So besides my good life, I had also been going for interviews and assessments. The lure of money is great as I can no longer dread days without Starbucks (not even Winterwarmers), new clothes, skin care, ability to give to missions, my parents and everything that working life has to offer. I've visited my aunt's new house at SS2, it was simply fabulous!! Aunt said we can sit down and drink Kahlua together when she's done moving in! At the mean time, I am starting to get nervous for Thursday's finals.

We made it to the finals of "Who Wants to be a Missionary?" Good job to all my team members - XinHui and Mei Yee. It began when I bought the book, "From Jerusalem to Irian Jaya" despite having financial constraints. So I thought, if I have the book I might as well make good use of it. As I spent laborious hours reading the book, I thought to myself that I might as well make notes out of it. As I spent more time on it, I realized I mustn't let my efforts go wasted. So the two hours at CHEC yielded results - we were chosen to represent the LU cluster! Then the next step was the prelim and semifinals. We met at Mid Valley to strategize our team. On the night before, all of us slept late as we searched for more general knowlede. General knowldege was simply... too general. We woke up early the next morning and met at the church lobby. We had a tie with another team. So we met again at night for another round of semifinals. And we made it!!! See, when I stepped out, I didn't know I could get this far.. but it is all so sweet. Whatever the outcome is, I am satisfied that we have made it thus far and knowing that we have done our best. But I must say, the one month travel to the Indochina had been really helpful to my geographical knowledge. If I hadn't read the Insight Guides in the bus while Amy and Jolene were sound sleeping, I probably wouldn't know the the Mekong River originates from China.