Journey of a Dream

After trying out Freestyle Fitpole at Pink Vibes, I decided to check out TalentHub, albeit far. So after gym, I headed to Sri Hartamas, a place I have not been for 5 months.

Honestly, I don't really like to go to any place that is female dominated. Too much estrogen and progesteron make me wanna choke. Coming from a workplace where my actual colleagues aka chemists are all females and coming from all girl primary and secondary schools, sometimes I just wanna take a break away from all these. But for a pole dance studio, what was I expecting? I feel intimidated.. I don't know why.. Maybe because females generally have this sorority and bitching thing.

Soon, all the students arrived. There are about 4 regulars there. The instructor, Natasha, taught about 4 sets of 8 counts move that day, not enough to complete a song but it was good enough for me. I hoisted myself up the pole with my right ankle supporting my lower body, my left crossing over my right leg, and both my hands supporting the upper body. After that, the next move was to move the body to the left, while being at the pole. Another move consisted of doing a sexy cross aka kangkang the legs. Another set of moves involved spinning the pole like a "chair" and "fireman". Natasha told me to only do the "fireman", as I was a newbie. But even then, I find that it was difficult and after all using much of my core muscles, I was too tired to do the spin.

Without realising how fast time flies, the class was soon over. Honestly, I really enjoyed the class because afterall, pole dance is a very expressive dance. Despite liking the dance, I decided against joining the lessons due to the following reasons.

1. Distance - Very far, it takes me 1 hour to drive from Klang
2. Location - Hartamas always remind me of him
3. People - I don't feel very comfortable with this bunch of people
4. Money - I just paid RM250 for social dance class and for 2 seminars this coming May. Pole dance is quite expensive, RM160 for 4 lessons.
5. Focus -  I recently just joined social dance and already started with disco rock, hopefully cha cha is next. Maybe I should just focus in this this now
6. Time - With social dance, tuition, work (yes, work takes up most time), maybe it's not so wise to start lessons yet

Maybe, in a few more months, I'll be able to free up some time, save some money, get over him totally, wait till this bunch goes away, then I can join the classes.

Yesterday morning, I went to Legend Hotel to hear someone talk about stock investment. There were a few things I picked up during the 1.5 hours I was there. Not so much about stock investment, as I don't have any money to do stock investment right now. The presenter, Marcus, was very good in his delivery techniques. Deep in all of us, we know, the reason we attend such seminar is because we don't have financial freedom right now.

What really struck me is that he said, "people procrastinate, but like it or not, time is still going to pass."

It struck me a fair bit because about 2.5 years ago, I read Robert Kiyosaki's Rich Dad Poor Dad. I remember, I was so stirred up that I didn't want to remain in employment. But right now, I'm still employed. I'm not much closer to where I wanted to be. So it's true, like it or not, time is still going to pass and the question is, to make a change, why not start now?

Then he also said, "people work 10 hours a day, but they are not willing to spend 20 minutes a day to educate themselves?" I can't help to agree more. People are willing to work hard on their jobs, but they don't work hard on themselves.

So for a change, I want to resist looking at online shopping websites. Buy some books on investment and financial freedom, go for seminar (I already signed up for National Achievers Congress). Don't know how much it helps but it's a good start.

Anyway, I learned some jargons:

Trading ratio means how much are you willing to lose in order to earn

This week had been a hectic one for me. Things could have helped if I slept well, but most days I just didn't, especially on Sunday and Monday night, where the week just rolled in and I found it hard to start off.

Nevertheless it was a fruitful one:

Monday night - researching about Seoul. Gosh, this is tough work, why not I just pay the travel agent to get things done and ensure the whole trip goes on smoothly? All because I want to add a personal touch to the trip, in fact too personal that I practically want to plan every detail.. the subway, the jimjilbang experience I want to have, how much will the ajuma charge me for scrubbing my body like how she would scrub a dirty pot, the jazz experience I want to have at Hongdae, the view of Winter Sonata I want to see at Namiseom)

Tuesday - Tuition class that lasted for 2 hours. Sometimes I wonder how people can start to study 2 months before the final exam and expect to miraculously pass the exam. His Chemistry level is just form 5 level, if not worse. Organic, too many reactions to remember. Inorganic, more reactions to remember. Physical chemistry, too many definitions and understanding involved.. Sometimes I just don't know how to help people like that. All I can say is that I can only try to do my best. Where there is demand, there the supply will be.

Wednesday - Dance practise with Unofficial Ex-Boyfriend No.2 Just felt wasted my bachata class without going for practice so we decided to go ahead with this. This is the first time in 4 months that I actually talked more than 10 minutes with him. Before this, I was still upset with him. And I realized that being estranged from him made me feel worse because I can't really be angry with people that I care for no matter how bad the person once treat me. I don't really hold grudges to my heart. That's why I'm still in good terms all my ex-es. But will we ever be as close as we once was? No.. no way. I wish to have a life like him too, spend half a year traveling to different countries.. What kinda life is that?

Thursday - Met up with Jol and Shan, just like the good old times in Form 6, for a pole dance trial class at Viva Vertical, SS15. We arrived half an hour late due to not being able to find the place. It was a small place, just 4 poles and there were 7 of us so we had to rotate the poles. The dance is really sexy and expressive. But then, we decided against joining (for now) because we don't have a pole at home and that makes it difficult to practise. Besides, having learned dance at Havana Estudio before, somehow I expect the instructor to teach like Sam and Aisha, or Haan from Dance Connexion for the matter. But every instructor has his own style, I can't get used to her (maybe I will if I try harder). After the class we headed for Korean BBQ.

Friday - Came back straight after work to catch up at the mamak with dad. (Was supposed to have a class with student but he ffk, or drinking session with colleague, anyway I'm really too tired to go anywhere) My way of unwinding the week and prepare for tomorrow's lesson. Washed my clothes, iron my favourite green top, and bought a cake online. So far I have bought facial session, lingerie, burger, cake, cupcakes, gym membership, dance classes, magazine subscription, donation, hair cut - ONLINE). Who says you need to go out to spend money?

Going up watching TVB series, where divorces frequently happen on-screen, the characters in a show often quote irreconcilable difference for the reason of their divorce. Apparently, it's when you try all means to salvage a relationship, yet at the end of the day it just doesn't work.

Ever since Kite took over, I had never been truly happy here. People say, when there's a fresh face, there's also a fresh breath. In this case, I beg to differ. One reason is because I was quite happy with Lady D before Kite came into the picture. Of course with Lady D it was not like trouble free, but then I was 10X happier.

With Lady D, I was a small tiny alchemist, but with Kite, I have become the Bangla here. Other people's work have also become my work, everything has become urgent, gosh, I hate that phrase!!! There's no dignity, no purpose, no training, no future.. I have given up on this place. Worse, I doubt myself more than ever. I no longer feel good about myself, my performance, when that happens, I should really not be here anymore. I feel so low I'm beginning to send out negative vibes around me.

I have given up hope and can no longer accept the irreconcilable differences.

Option 1 - Take up part - time MBA at Nottingham University, KL campus, while maintaining my job. 2 years for 55K

Option 2 - Working holiday visa in Australia. Work to earn money for travel, but then can't earn enough money to give back home and pay car installment, can I?

Option 3 - Work as lab technician in a university in Oman. Downgrade from chemist to technician. So cham.. Got salsa over there?

Option 4 - Work as waitress in Dubai. OK Dubai got salsa.. and at least I know someone familiar and might be able to stay at his place aka my brother.

The tears have not stopped till today after 4 long months. It happens now at less intervals and shorter periods these days. Bottom line, it still hurts because he mattered to me.

I saw him at the Studio Party the other day. Seeing him again, all the memories came alive again. I felt pity for myself. So at 12am, I wanted to leave badly. The more I sat there, the more irrational thoughts I have.

Walking down the stairs, I saw Fred and asked him casually if he was going to have a drink at Devi's. He wasn't going to, but he invited me, and I didn't say no. So the both of us started talking. I love talking to retirees, mainly because they have so much experience in life worth sharing about. We started talking about work. Fred was also a chemist, a rarity because how many people do you meet who is a chemist? Then we started talking about relationships. Fred told me a lot of things I needed to hear. I felt good talking to him, not so hopeless in life after all. And he gave me a tip how I can instantly feel better.

Today evening, we had bachata class again after 4 months break. It really didn't feel that long. People say time flies when you are having fun. I beg to differ. Time flies equally as fast when you are in pain. The pain was elevated by people who care about me, the dog who loves me, the earth that shakes me, the boss that bugs me (ironically, work stress helps to ease emotional pain), so with all these it doesn't feel so painful anymore.

Compared to many moons ago, I am in much better shape now. So I am actually making progress. There are lesser outbursts, sleepless nights, almost no tantrums at all, almost completely rational, my appetite returned (my colleagues can testify to this), my love for shopping returned (these days I do online shopping a lot, I buy gym membership, food, lingerie, magazines, pole dancing class, facial treatment, even language courses, online), I love to dress up and make up once again, I enjoy meeting up with friends (previously all I wanted to do was cry at home). Remember, you are the sole creator of your reality.

Recently, the news reported that suicide cases in Malaysia are rising at an alarming rate. The most common for suicide is depression, and the main cause of depression is when a relationship comes to an end, and the person feel hopeless about life.

As an outsider, it is easy to judge these people who commit suicide. We blame them for not being able to think clearly, thus claiming their own lives, causing heartbreak for their family members and friends. In the case of Alviss Kong, if people has taken his post seriously within the 45 minutes before he took the downward plunge, could fate has been different?

Sometimes people just need you to be there in times of need. So far, no matter how depressed I am or how tempting the balcony looks, it never hit me to jump down.. because I hate myself looking ugly when I reach Ground 0.

When I am depressed and tell you about it, it usually means that I'm depressed. I won't tell you I am depressed just to grab attention. It means I need help. Sometimes, it's not that I need solution/advice. Do you think I don't know this guy is bad for me? I just need you to go through with me during my hardest times.. If the person chooses not to help me in my down times, chances are, I won't die because you didn't come to my rescue, but I will not confide to you anymore since you don't care.. This is how I lost faith in the cell members I supposedly trust.