Journey of a Dream

In my previous post, I talked about how I deal with my own emotional pain. In most days, I think I'm doing a bad job at it. My way of dealing with pain involved a lot of manifestation in the physical. I cry. I can't sleep. I throw tantrums. I lose weight.

This time round, I see my pain seeping into my work, where I can see my work performance deteriorate. I'm no longer logical and rational. I become bitchy and irritable about every small little thing. I know there is something wrong with the way I deal with pain.

Worse of all, my pain affects me in a way more unpredictable than PMS. At least, for PMS, you know when it is coming and you get ready for it. But for this particular pain that I am going through, there is no day and no night. There are days when I have some very important things to do, and this thing will cloud my mind mind like a plague. I try to not let this pain disturb my routine, but I have a weak heart. I'm not talking about jantung heart, I'm talking about my kohelia, the core of my being.

But I do know, what I need is a quantum of energy to overcome this pain, this hurt, these memories, this past and to begin all things new. I know I will wake up one day feeling COMPLETELY ok. But as far as NOW, I can't see the light at the end of this very dark tunnel YET.

Looking at all around me, relationship problems are everywhere. Break ups, divorce, people having a mad spouse, not reciprocated love, infidelity.. etc. Let me just quote some examples from a recent conversation I had with my salsa mates (and some other examples as well)

1. Guy and girl used to appear at salsa places together. Guy went to Singapore regularly to see her as she is based there. Guy and girl then arrives separately at salsa, avoiding each other after break up.
2. Guy has a mad spouse, suppose to divorce but because she is mad, they are still legally married. Guy meets girl once every week, hold hands for a while, while shopping for groceries so that she still get the lovey dovey feeling, but don't stay together
3. Guy gave up salsa because new wife is not in the salsa scene. Suddenly, guy is back on the salsa scene again. Guy holds warm up party at his new place, guess he is shifting alone to his new place
4. Guy and girl together for a few years, then girl decides guy is not suitable for her, calls it quits. Guy gets heartbroken. Very common scenario
5. Guy thinks girl is not putting him first in her life. He misses his ex who is now married. He misses the way she put him first in her life, and how she was always happy seeing him.
6. Girl loves guy very much, have sex with his man every saturday night after movie. Went to Bangkok and Hong Kong for holiday together. The sound of their love- making was overheard in Hong Kong due to the hotel room too small. Girl wants to get married but guy evades the question. Girl suddenly did not contact guy for a few weeks. Guy finds it weird, went to her apartment to look for her. He saw her going up to an elder man's car. Guy confronts girl in the carpark. That was the last they saw each other. After a year, girl calls guy up. Told him it was difficult for her, but she had to do it, but still refuse to meet guy. Something zapped the guy, he became crazy and indulged himself in existentialism.
7. Girl gave up medical career in US to settle down in Malaysia because other half is here, but coming back here things changed. The very reason why she came back become invalid, she is finding solace in salsa.
8. Girl likes guy, but girl knows guy is merely looking for sex. Girl got mad after guy spoiled her shirt after an attempt to bed her.
9. Guy calls a doctor friend up every time after he has unprotected sex with his girfriend. Doctor friend is irked getting asked this question cos why can't he use the condom in the first place?
10. Guy drives girl to ROM (Registrar of Marriage). On the way there, guy asks girl, "are you sure you want to do this?" Girl got mad, tore the application away. After few months, repeated the same process, but this time got married for real. Guy not very happy after marriage. Guy's brother blame sister in law for being manipulative and controlling and thinks that all women are out there to hook some guy so that he has no way out.
11. Guy marries girl. Guy is a person high ranking in society,  but girl is a gambler and doesn't take care of family. Their product, a son, then thinks that marriage (aka woman) is the source of all problems.
12. Guy thinks girl is her soulmate, do everything together including sex, but girl doesn't want to be anyone's girlfriend. But she became another guy's wife.
13. Guy beats girl up before getting married. When girl pregnant, the beating stops for a while. After giving birth, the beating continues. Girl decides to divorce..

In all above, only 12 is fictional (500 days of summer) and 9 is joke aside. The rest are real life stories that I've observed all around me. Based on the above, relationship problems are way too common. The reason? In my humble opinion, it's because relationships now are sustained by a string and a paper clip. People give up on each other way too easily, and in the age of narcissm, it's their own pleasure and comfort that they seek. When things are no longer comfortable, they choose to give up. Then, why would anyone get married to a guy who can beat her up before getting married? You would have known this guy is trouble.

So looking at myself, I'm just having a common problem that everyone else is having. It's just that I tend to personalise the problem too much. Things have happened and will not change. No explanation needed.

Quoting an article from Internet, "Part of the struggle comes from the fact that there's no time-line for pain." I just need a quantum leap.

Someone said, "Pain is weakness leaving the body". If that is true, (Emotional) pain is weakness leaving the soul.

And I've been feeling this pain for as long as I could remember. I live life everyday hoping that time flies faster, because time heals everything. But till today, I hate myself, because the pain stuck with me. There is still weakness within me.

My first encounter with depression was a few years ago. At that time, I was in my final year in university. It was the first time in my life I met with a traumatic accident that left me with a hemorrhage in the eye and begging for my family to give me money to repair the car. It was the first time in my life I felt so alone, and from then on life just seemed meaningless. For months, every evening I sat at the side of the pool (at that time I was staying in apartment) thinking of nothing. That semester, my results suffered so badly. I have never been truly cheerful since then. I lost faith in life, I lost faith in people, to a certain extent, I lost faith in God.

Only a semester later, I felt better and declared myself depression-free. But like I said, I was never truly cheerful since then. It was a seed of depression in me that I know has the potential to blow up again.

It blew up in 2009 so much that I had suicidal thoughts. It blew up in 2010. This time, it felt exceptionally long. The pain felt so long and deep that I want to run away. I can't count the number of times I turned up at work with swollen eyes. There were also days I drowned myself with work. But mostly, I felt the need to run away.. I want to run away to a place that I can begin everything anew, where my memory can return to 0 byte.

But like I've said in my previous post: You are the sole creator of your reality. Right now I just feel so powerless of my reality.