Journey of a Dream

Christmas used to be one of my favourite festive seasons. I remember as a kid, carollers would come and sing at my house. I would wrap the gifts my aunts have prepared, though knowing that one of the gifts are for me. In my teenage years, I learned the true meaning of Christmas which is the birth of Jesus Christ that ultimately gives me meaning to this life. There was never white Christmas, all the Christmas trees I set up in the house are not real, yet during every Christmas there is this homey and warm feeling all around. One of the most memorable Christmas when when i was 19 years old. Out of school, while waiting for STPM results, I was working at Giant, Kelana Jaya selling duck meat. Christmas songs played over and over as I struggled to make sales, but it was meaningful because every dollar that I was making that day was towards the building fund of the church that I just joined.

Few years later, Christmas eve equated to spending it at the clubs. This year, Christmas paints a brim picture of how my year had been. On the surface, it had been a good year.

1. I worked hard and my bosses rewarded with good increment. Most likely, bonus is gonna be good as well. 2. My brother got married and there's a new addition to my family.
3. I went to Guilin and UAE for holiday
4. My bachata has improved after taking lessons from Haan, Dance Connexions
5. My salsa has moved on to the next level which is Intermediate 1
6. I manage to clear most of my debts
7.  I got over something that bugged me so much in 2009
8. The relationship with my colleagues improved

All these, except for 1 thing that make me unhappy. Nevertheless, I am grateful for all of God's blessings

Pain has a way of seeping through your health and emotional health through ways you don't expect. Such as throwing tantrums just when you're feeling ok. Waking up in the middle of the night feeling that I can't overcome it. Feeling the loss of a person I once felt so close with. Unable to cope how the other party can live life so fine without me. But myself so weak and find myself crying through the night. Unable to make sense of the sequence of events that took place.

According to this website, part of the evolution of positive alternative to pain is:
1. we can have faith in divine wisdom and justice - when we seek our inner spiritual self
2. We are the sole creators of our reality, creating our reality through:

Our past choices, thoughts, words and actions.
b. Our present conscious and subconscious beliefs, feelings and needs.
c. The lessons we have chosen to learn at this stage of our evolutionary process.
d. How we subjectively interpret what is happening. 


Thus others are simply actors in the scenarios of our life the script of which we have written. We can create a happier reality by:

a. Transforming our conscious and subconscious beliefs. 
b. Learning our life lessons.
c. Interpreting events in a different way ­ as opportunities for growth rather than as injustices.

2. Forgiving and forgetting the past.

Today I re - learned faith. Faith is not just believing God when all is good and sweet. Faith is choosing to believe him even when circumstances are not favourable. Faith is deciding to follow Him even when the things He had promised had not come to pass. Faith is going through tests in life and deciding to follow Him even when life throws easier alternatives.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes  to see the things unseen
Show me how to live like You've loved me
Break my heart for what break yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth to eternity

You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with your hand
And lead me to your righteousness
And I look to you
And I wait on you
I sing to you Lord a hymn of love
For your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You never let me go
Through it all

I wanted to cry so badly. At least when I cry, I relieve myself of all the emotional  baggage. When I cry, I find myself searching for my true self. After lying on the bed for some time, tears finally strolled down my cheeks which I rubbed off with my comforter. They were not gushing tears, only a few minutes of slow hot tears. But that was all I needed to come to my true self.

My true self who is angry at God. Angry that when I believed in His promises they did not come to pass. His promises for blessings and happiness. Instead, I found myself in the same vicious cycle that I was in last year. Just angry that life did not turn out at my best interests.

Angry enough to stop believing in love. Disappointed enough thinking that love is for the elusive. Disappointed at myself that I am not the Christian I should be. That I still have very much of my shortcomings and my inability to resist shortfalls. That I begin to think of myself too lowly to deserve any love.

I am trapped in this pursuit of happyness. But at the end of day, I realized all that I have been looking for is here all along. I just need to receive it once again. As I have been told, you can't run away from the truth. Now is time to deal with it.

1. I don't think I believe in love anymore, but because God is LOVE.. I will try to believe once again.

2. Oreo's tail has a pulse

3. I kinda like my new  hairstyle. I think short hair is not too bad for me.

4. I like being a salsa recruiter. To date I recruited 5 ppl to join salsa.

5. The alchemist say, "If you want something bad enough, the whole will conspire in your favour to obtain it." I want to believe in that but then it doesn't work sometimes, does it  really require begging?

The salsera gets bored of the question, "How did you get into salsa?" It's a conversation that goes on behind the wheels when the salsero is fetching the salsera. Sometimes a salsera gets this question repeatedly by the same salsero. In the salsera's mind, she was thinking, "How many versions of the truth do you want me to tell you?" In the end, she came up with a standard answer for this standard question.

I had a weird dream about someone I had not met for 3 years. Joseph. Yes Dr Joe. In my dream, he was back in KL and I was supposed to send him off to the airport. At this airport that looked like a bus station, he had to buy his air ticket (makes no sense, who buy tickets 2 hours before they fly?). He was hungry and was queuing up to buy food. After that, we rushed to buy ticket but this airport suddenly it turned into a traditional church where we had to sing hymns from the hymn book.

Pretty meaningless dream, but at least it takes my mind away from the missing J in my life now. Weird, "J" is also missing from my car plate.

I know all the well meaning people who told me:

1. Sleep early so that I can have enough sleep
2. Since you are awake at 6am in the morning, why not you pray?

But you see, 6am has been traditionally my sleeping time since my uni days. Why am I awakened at 6am against my will? Why is the damn thing across the street, barely 100m away from my house, blasting loud at 6am in the morning?

Enough is enough!!! It's been a year since I suffer due to the stupidity of certain sects of society. I am really tired of having to go through this every morning. I thought about moving out from my house just to escape this nonsense. But where can I run away from my own house? I am not having problems with my family... the distance from my house to my office is just right.... I don't need to pay rent staying in this house... any I have my mum to cook me dinner... but I have to run away from my house because I can't get enough sleep EVERY NIGHT and is starting to show to show health and mental problems a.k.a. migraine cum irritability.