Journey of a Dream

Since shifting here, I remember having been bored and stressed, but never been sad that I can't bring myself to be here because my thoughts play on me. There were days I was so poor (that I couldn't afford to go out) and frustrated (for not having a job yet) that I just had to stay at home. But these 2 days, I just have to get away. Having the comfort of home means I am allowed to mourn and cry, but I don't allow myself to do that. I do not want to cry over the same thing that I used to cry over. I don't want to have the deja vu again. When someone fools you once, it's his fault. When he fools you a second time, then it is your fault. I know that principle a long time, but yet I still fall into the same hole. I am not very smart isn't it? But it is only at home that I can encounter God once more. Jesus asked Peter, "Who do you say I am?" and Peter had a revelation that day that Jesus is the Son of God. While praying today, I had a revelation of who God is - He is the Great Physician who is capable of healing me, greater than any other physicians in the world. He's the only physician I need.

I have been a movie buff since Form 6. Think Jo passed me the virus. We went after school (and once during school) to watch movies and once bumped into our class teacher, Mrs Ng. She is classic. Oh how much I miss her. Anyway, back to the topic, I love all types of movies, okay, almost all... but the ones I love most are definitely the highly inpirational type. They are stereotypical in terms that in the beginning, the characters struggle hard, but they triumph in the end.

I think I can identify with the characters. So often nothing seems to go right. I try so hard yet nothing improves. Worse, people think I am lazy (that is true to some extent) and I am learning to change. I really am trying. So that is why I always feel better after watching a good movie. I know I can triumph in the end. Circumstances may prolong but ultimately things will turn out for good.

Ratatouille - Remy got my sympathies when he realised how humans disgusted rats. That pitiful look when while overhearing the statements of a woman in the drain. But Remy, being a rat, was able to cook.

Pursuit of Happyness - "If you want it, go get it." Heard that? The inability to get a job as a chemist has really discouraged me that I want to give up all together. People tell me, "Why are you so stubborn? Why can't you settle with your current job?" When you don't like something, you tend to find a lot of reasons to say that it is not good.

It's true. I don't like the fact that it's a 5 and a half day week. I have claustrophobia. I don't like the job scope but ultimately, it is not my dream. I can't see myself doing this for the rest of my life. And being in this job for long will mean that I no longer can be a chemist. I wanna start fresh. It's my passion. You can never go wrong when you are doing something according to your passion.

Being a chemist means that I will have to give up on a lot of things. I give up the opportunity to meet people (I'll be stuck in the lab). I don't have the chance to wear nice clothes (who can see them under the lab coat anyway) and I risk being contaminated with chemicals. So why do I insist being a chemist?

Somehow, I have been so accustomed to scientific terms that they appeal to me. Words like pharmacology, pharmacokinetics seem to be more interesting than ...And time in the lab flies like a wind.

Fight the Giants - A Christian production that talks about the literal Highland Giants and figuratively the giants in our lives. The story line was kind of expected but hey, who doesn't like a football game. The main theme of the movie is nothing is impossible with God. Yes it is all possible.

"Why?" is probably the most asked age - old question in the world today. "Why?" had been the main theme in the book of Job, and it is still the question that baffled many until today.

Why am I scientifically wired?

Why can't I just like business instead?

Why did I give up the chance to study pharmacy in Singapore?

Why did give up the IT scholarship when offered?

Why did I earn only half the A's I needed to study medicine?

Why have I become cheap labour?

It's been one of the most terrible sleep I've had since shifting here. I hardly slept for an hour despite my physical wanting to do so. To my parents, they were surprised to see me rising me so early, as waking up in late morning has almost become synonymous to my name. After signing off my computer at 3am, I tried very hard to put myself to deep sleep, but some words replay again and again in my mind. All the words and the facts, they were as difficult to rid off as they were committed to memory. The scenes of that bitter defeat replay over and over again. It is such torment to watch that mind video again and again. I have yet to pass through that stage of disappointment.

Updated: It was yesterday..but the author moves on!! I can't read to finish reading Mansfield Park by tonight. A book a month. And tomorrow, there will be a very absolutely important report to write.

Disappointed.. That's all that I am feeling right now. We lost it so undignified!! For a few moments, the very words that I wrote at the BAT assessment that day, "Never give up," rung in my ears in that reluctant encouragement to myself. I have to practise what I preach. I should not give up, never. But the pain stuck close to my heart. So stupefied because of all the hard work put in, it has all come to nothing, not even a chance to use what I have so painstakingly studied. I told myself again and again that it was the participation and experience that matter most, not winning or losing. But the pain remains. Without talking to anyone and seemingly oblivion to anyone's presence or anything else, I drove home at 130kmh. I can't remember driving at this speed since I shifted here. I couldn't help myself but to allow myself an outburst of tears. It lasted 30 seconds. Hard word does not guarantee winning, we need a little more luck.

Luck.. what exactly is it? I have got no idea. All I know, I've been in my worst for the last 3 years to such an extent I stopped believing in myself. Due to job hunting, I had once again taken out all the certificates I have accumulated over the years. Each of it brings back sweet memories and I thought, 'was it me?' I remember the joyful glee when my name was read out, when I have done one of the best for physics competition. Then at another instance, I was handpicked to represent my school for the chemistry quiz. The word 'distinctions' stands proudly on that certificate. Where is that girl who was once so smart? Has she become stupid? All the 7 semesters have fall short under my expectations. I earned many A's, but all the C's and D's made up the difference. It then makes me an average, a word I am really not accustomed to. Alas, vanity is vanity.

Then, yesterday, I got an unexpected call. Having slept late doing a table for missionaries finals the night before, I was still in deep sleep when I heard the vibration. In my sleepiness I heard that I have passed the BAT assessment. Not only that, I was told that I was the only one who passed in that group of about 15 people, among whom chosen from thousands of people who sent in the resumes weekly. I was elated to the extent that after I broke the news to my parents I could not go back to sleep. Yesterday, I was on top of the hill. Today I am back to the valley. It's a rollercoaster ride.

Life has been good. Imagine waking up every day at 10 ++ am. Then go for lunch, study for Missionaries finals, and at night time, some time for the TV, some time for Internet and some time for Mansfield Park. Nevertheless, the reality of not earning is more real than ever as my pocket runs dry. My mind is very much intensed to finding a job now, but job hunting really ain't easy. So besides my good life, I had also been going for interviews and assessments. The lure of money is great as I can no longer dread days without Starbucks (not even Winterwarmers), new clothes, skin care, ability to give to missions, my parents and everything that working life has to offer. I've visited my aunt's new house at SS2, it was simply fabulous!! Aunt said we can sit down and drink Kahlua together when she's done moving in! At the mean time, I am starting to get nervous for Thursday's finals.

We made it to the finals of "Who Wants to be a Missionary?" Good job to all my team members - XinHui and Mei Yee. It began when I bought the book, "From Jerusalem to Irian Jaya" despite having financial constraints. So I thought, if I have the book I might as well make good use of it. As I spent laborious hours reading the book, I thought to myself that I might as well make notes out of it. As I spent more time on it, I realized I mustn't let my efforts go wasted. So the two hours at CHEC yielded results - we were chosen to represent the LU cluster! Then the next step was the prelim and semifinals. We met at Mid Valley to strategize our team. On the night before, all of us slept late as we searched for more general knowlede. General knowldege was simply... too general. We woke up early the next morning and met at the church lobby. We had a tie with another team. So we met again at night for another round of semifinals. And we made it!!! See, when I stepped out, I didn't know I could get this far.. but it is all so sweet. Whatever the outcome is, I am satisfied that we have made it thus far and knowing that we have done our best. But I must say, the one month travel to the Indochina had been really helpful to my geographical knowledge. If I hadn't read the Insight Guides in the bus while Amy and Jolene were sound sleeping, I probably wouldn't know the the Mekong River originates from China.

The Nha Trang beach is famous among locals and always packed during evenings. The waves are among the best I've been such that we swam here twice, in addition to our island hopping to Mot Island, Mut Island, Tam and another island.
World Heritage Site of My Son Sanctuary. It's dog's days of summer here.
Champa monuments of Hindu influence
Conical hat making. We couldn't "enjoy" the tour without paying.
The tomb of Minh Mang, the second emperor of the Nguyen Dynasty of Vietnam

Imperial Citadel of Vietnam in central Hue
Temple of Heaven Cave (Halong Bay)
Fisherman village along the Halong Bay
The bananas cost 20000 dong a bunch. Don't play play
Amy Wong Jia Hui's 23rd birthday

As cocunuts are readily available along the Mekong Delta, the coconut candies serve as good souvenirs to take back home. Unfortunately for us, some of the candies which we brought all the way from Saigon were stolen. Hope their teeth fall out..
Trying to look like conical - hatted peasants

In front of the Cao Dai Temple at Tay Ninh, a religion sect that combines the teachings of Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, Christianity, Confucianism, Islam and their saints include Dr Sun Yat Sen, Victor Hugo, Joan of Arc, etc.
Jolene with the followers of Cao Dai
Above us is the symbol of Cao Dai. The Great Temple, or better known as the Holy See, is the most colourful religious buliding I've seen.

This is how the Cu Chi tunnel works. Step number 1
Step number 2
Step number 3
Now he's gone!!

One of the traps used by the Viet Chongs who fought the south army during the Vietnam War.

Weapons of Cruelty
In the Tuol Sleng Museum, we were not supposed to laugh, or smile for that matter. I guess it is respect for the dead
Brick cells for the victims
One of the beds that had been used to interrogate the victims









We took a bus from Siem Reap to Phnom Penh, and with all gratefulness, the road was much better than expected, unlike the one from Poipet to Siem Reap. How unfortunately that it was in Phnom Penh too that Amy lost her handphone and I, some money. It couldn't be sheer coincidence that both of us lost something, but I suspect it was our gullibility of trusting that our belongings were in safe hands and the quick hands of the hotelier's staff. At that moment, it made us very unhappy that we left the very next day. Otherwise, it would have been a very happy trip to Cambodia.

This is Angkor Wat in the background, the very reason we came to Cambodia, the only motivation that sustained us from turning away at Aranyaprathet - Poipet border, when all we saw was poverty, dirt and Khmer people we are not familiar with.

Among the rocks in the interior of Angkor. It took me a lot of courage to climb up the steep steps leading to above.

The magnificance of Bayon

More of Bayon
I like the face sculpture
Cool!!
Sitting on the roots of the ancient trees. The two guys are our photographers from China.

Ruins at the Ayutthaya temples - it's really steep

The Chiang Mai Night Safari

Sanpatong Waterfall
Twin jumbos

Ruins of the Ayutthaya temples. Ayutthaya was once the capital of Thailand

Thailand is simply amazing and definitely would go there again. This time, we only covered Chiangmai, Ayutthaya and Bangkok. We missed out on Phuket, Ko Phi Phi and some other islands but next time round, I would try to cover the others as well.

Contrary to what people have said, Thailand is not a dangerous place where you can be dropped dead by bombs any time or even if you don't, chances are you will kena kongtau when you look into someone's eyes. Again, the lesson here is not to simply listen to what people say but to find out for yourself.

Thai people are generally friendly and helpful and at times, they are angels to us. They would not hesitate to help us find direction and would even lead us to the place of destination. One thing I noticed is that Thai people love their King a lot, and later I found out the reason, especially when we visited the Royal Palace and Vimanmek Mansion in Bangkok. At one of the Museums, photographs taken by the King Himself were displayed and one couldn't be help to be awed by it. But it was just not the photographs alone that awed us all. King Bumiphol had been monarchy for 60 years and throughout His reign, He continuously took efforts to bring betterment to the Thai nation. His Consort, Queen Sirikit was very well respected too because in the younger days, She would listen to commoners and jot down the necessary notes. She was noted as one who revived the Thai silk industry of Thailand.

Sadly, our photographs at Bangkok are lost. In Bangkok, we went to the famous Catuchak Weekend Market, Central World Plaza and Suan Lam Night Bazaar. We spent one night each at Khao San Road and Sukhumvit Road. The Khao San road is also known as Backpackers' Haven where Mat Salleh hippies can have a drink and chill out at night. Sukhumvit Road is to the Thai what Jalan Sultan Ismail is to us.

This is great! When I came into this room, I fell in love with it immediately. Having travelled 6 hours by bus from Hoi An to Hue, I just want to soak myself in the bathtub and with only 8USD, we have the Internet facility right in our room. My friends and I are fast asleep... and after an hour, I woke up (but they are still sleeping so I take my chance to update myself with the many things I have missed).

Backpacking has been great so far, one of the things I would regret for not doing. We are making a U (for those who are geographically inclined) from Chiangmai - Ayutthaya - Bangkok - Siem (where Angkor Wat is located) - Phnom Penh - Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City) - Nha Trang (fabulous azure blue beaches and islands) - Hoi An - Hue (where I am now) - Hanoi (the last stop before heading back home).

I thought somewhere close to a month was long enough, but most Mat Salleh backpackers we cross path with backpack months, some up to a year. That taught me one thing because in our Asian upbringing, we dare not venture into the unknown for the fear of this and that... Personally, I was worried about a lot of things - like safety.. worried about Thai bombings, bomohs, the list just go on and on. The moment I decided for this trip, I have well understood the risks and did a lot of pre - trip research though no amount of research would seem to be enough. The desire to explore was simply overwhelming and the trip is well worth!!

It's good to be able to move out. I will have a personal bathroom, get to see Oreo and Siew Lee more often.. But I will be deprived from internet for some time

This is what I did: Drove to Ikano, found my place at Starbucks and started my study marathon - from 2 - 8pm. Around 6, I was hungry and had a hotdog at Ikea. Went to Starbucks/ Borders, had my second shot of caffeine and sambung belajar. Plan to do that again some time this week. Maybe a lonely birthday, but a productive one at least. How would I have mood to celebrate when the next days my exams begin, not just one paper but two? I had pre - birthday celebrations though.

2 Weeks ago
My coursemates threw me a surprise celebration. I was surprised when the cake appeared, because who in the right mind would celebrate birthday 2 weeks in adavance? We did because we are a bunch of crazy chemists. I really appreciate their effort in the midst of preparing for exams.

A day later
Karen and Sam took me to Manhattan Fish Market for dinner after watching Meet The Robinsons. I bought Kampai for them, and gosh, Sam became the laughing stock of her dorm mates due to the redness of her face. I told it was to prepare her wedding. Coming back home, I felt like crying. It's a week 14 thing. It's not just week 14, but week 14 of the final semester. We've just started bonding with each other, but now we have come to an end of our uni life. I miss them lots.

Last Tuesday
The leaders of South Zone celebrated Angel's and my birthday with a cake. They gave me a very nice top. I love it. Apparently it was chosen by pastor.

Last Saturday
Family dinner at SS2. Bro asked me if I like a gift or cash for birthday. What do you say?

This Thursday
Cell group celebrated with a huge walnut cake and gave me RM 100 of Topshop shopping vouchers. Shappaholic strikes again!! (after exams OK). Sherene and Ally sang a song for me.. not gonna tell what they sang.

To those who wished and called me, I wanna say a big big thank you. Will upload pictures after exams.

When was the last time you had an "unrestrained impulse" to achieve something? Pat Mesiti asked in Dreamers Never Sleep. The answer is... a long long time. I remember it was STPM, I stayed at home every day and despite the gloom, disciplined myself to study with heavy eyebags and tears running on my cheeks. I was sad (I don't know why I even felt sad), a heavy cloud hung over me, yet I committed to daily devotion every single morning and never missed a cell meeting. I did not allow my emotions to take over me and looked forward to the prize not yet seen. When I didn't understand a thing, I would go the extra mile to read again and again and ask someone to teach me. Things like metallic bonds were not easy to understand, to see the crystal lattice as a sea of electrons that could conduct electricity.

Pat Mesiti says, " The inner rush, the inner push, the inner drive, whatever you want to call it... it is a sense of abandonment. Abandonment to the cause, to the price, to the finish line..."

I have come to the end of uni. It's the grand finale. I wished I have kept the unrestrained impulse but there is no time for regret. It's the final battle.

When I was a 12 year old kid, I did something amazing which I can't figure out how I did it. I read 150 books in that year alone; Sweet Valley, Sweet Dreams, Love Stories (the title of the series), Christopher Pike's and R.L. Stine's books, which meant I completed a book in every 2 - 3 days. Sure they were easy to read, the prints were big and the books were thin (except for a couple few which were thick), but I read them in the midst of chaotic situation at home and UPSR. I lived in a world of imagination and fantasy and it could be well said that I read more than I talked.

Later on, I grew out of Sweet Valley and ventured into some other topics besides the Wakefield twins. I started reading classics (Jane Austen, Louissa Alcott, Shakespeare and Charles Dickens), biographies and autobiographies (Abraham Lincoln, Lady D, Anne Frank, etc), books on astronomy, first aid, weather (of all things!) and history. I also started reading the Bible and other Christian titles. Then I began reading law fictions (as such by John Grisham).

Today, I am no longer the avid reader I used to be. I give excuses that I can no longer afford the time and effort. The other reason being people in uni don't read (Trust me, uni students only bury themselves in heaps of academic books). John Grisham has been replaced by Medicinal Chemistry, Physical Chemistry, Fundamentals of Analytical Chemistry and journal articles. Unread books keep stacking in my collection awaiting to be discovered and opened. Ps Pat said that we have to find ways to AFFORD it because good books will feed our mind.

I don't know why I wrote this but I just suddenly realized how much reading meant to me and how did I ever lose track of the thing I loved so much. Wait till exams are over in a month time and I'm gonna read, read and read in the cool breeze of Genting Highlands with a cuppa hot Cappucino in my hand.

It is the time of the year again that I am losing my sleep due to imsomnia. It's a sign that exams are coming soon. And when I tell people how serious it is, no one seems to believe me. I tried milk with honey, I tried push up for 30 times, I tried to read an article to make me go to sleep, but all of it did not help. My body is stiff and refuse to rest, my biological clock is rigid and refuse to listen to my instruction. It's only with Nickey and his wise counsel that I slept in peace last night. How about now and every night?

Today I'm going to continue what Ps Pat shared on the first night of the meetings. So here it goes:

Ps Pat began by saying, "God's name is El - Shaddai, which means the God of Plenty and not El - Cheapo." The whole crowd broke into laughter. Funny as it may be, Ps Pat has already spoken a biblical truth from his opening line. In the Parable of Talent, the man with one talent hid his talent because he was limited by his concept of God. Likewise, God is able to bless us and prosper us only if we have the right concept of Him. Ps Pat then began to lay the foundations that we needed for the next few days, and probably for the next few years of our lives as we live to fulfil our destiny.

The Test of Your Treasure

Matthew 6:21 says, "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." In Abraham's life, he gave all the time; he gave his tithes, he gave to Lot but it was not until he gave his treasure - Isaac, that God began to fulfil the covenant in his life time and thereafter.

In another passage, Luke 5:4, the fishermen let go of their catch (treasure). In exchange of that, God gave them a net - breaking and a boat - sinking catch. Many times, we tell God, "This is all I have." But God often replies by saying, "If that is all you have, that is all I'm asking for." Most of us can give something that doesn't cost us, but treasure is what costs us. Malachi 3:10 says, "...And try Me now in this..." God was merely telling us that we can try Him in our tithing, but when it comes to our treasure, God is testing us. Will you pass the test?

Living under an open heaven

God is our Father who wants to pour His favour on His people. It's a challenge for people to believe that God wants to bless us financially. Let us see the example of Joseph. From a land of famine, Joseph turned Egypt into an exporting nation. However to be able to live under an open heaven, we need to be faithful in our giving.

Gen 14:20 tells us that Abraham was the first man who tithed. After Abraham paid his tithes, God revealed Himself as "I am." Prior to that, nothing happened in Abraham's life. Tithes is not necessarily giving because it belongs to God. Tithe makes God Lord of All.

Ps Pat Mesiti is really my favourite speaker of all times. I remember the last time he came, it was mid December and I was working at a contractor's firm. One of the nights, my boss asked me to stay back to rush for a tender. So I worked until about 8.30 and my boss sent my straight to church (My colleagues told me it was the first time our boss sent any worker back, anyway that is besides the point). I reached the church lobby at 9 and it was way to late for me to enter the hall, so I sat there listening to Pastor Pat preach. Even with only the screen, I felt Ps Pat speaking right to my heart. He said, "Mistake is not who you are but what you do." That was enough it make me cry because all my life, I felt like a mistake. I believed God used Ps Pat because his pronouncement healed the brokenness all along.

3 months and yonder

Ps Pat is back again!!! I told myself that this time I can't afford to miss any of the sessions. Each session, Ps Pat has different ways to convey his life changing messages with his jokes and illustrations.

Ps Pat quipped, "A DREAM from your heart without a PLAN in your head and SEED in your hand will never turn into reality."

In Gen 41, after Joseph interpreted Pharoah's dreams, he had a PLAN. And that plan is to save up 20% of the crops in the 7 years of plenty to compensate for the 7 years of famine. Guess what, that 20% became a 100%!! Ps Pat teaches us to sow in the time of famine because our seed will never look like harvest. We have to see the potential behind the seed. So with that, when it was time to give our offerings, Ps Pat did something extraordinary: he asked every individual to write our dreams into the offering envelope.

So I began, a tear or two swelled up, it suddenly came upon me that my greatest dream at this point of time is to see someone change. There is so much talents and gifts deposited inside him, but yet they are not used to its potential. It hurt me so much to see the way he is, yet I can't do anything to it. What is impossible in the eyes of men, it is possible with God. Ps Pat said that our results after sowing the seed may not be instant, but we will surely reap a harvest.

I looked behind me and there stood a person, a childhood friend, someone so close to my heart. At one point of her life, things were so tough for her that she stopped going to church. When she started coming to City Harvest, I found it hard to talk to her because she didn't open up to me (due to the complexity of our relationship). I felt burden in my heart to pray for her. Nevertheless, she came to church every week. Change comes in progression as I see her faithfully joining cell group now. Though I don't understand why other cells manage to reach out to her but not me, I am overjoyed. Yes so prayer does move the hand of God.. If it can happen to her, it can happen to my dear friend.