I had a bad dream - that I saw a MAS plane crashing. Maybe ppl will think that ya, bad things happen sometime. Not for my family. Cos in that dream, while I was seeing the plane crash, I only had one thought in my mind: Was my brother inside the plane? Since my brother took on the career path to be an aircraft engineer, I had been unnecessarily worried. Sometimes I just have this sudden feeling I need to pray for him. Yea I think he will be safe.
I realize that there's always something to write...cos I feel all the time. The irony is... I've been stuck at home every day for the past few weeks with nothing to see and no one to talk to, yet I still feel. Don't be mistaken. I am no artist so I do not need to feel to get inspiration. Yes... I am a scientist. I only need to memorize the facts and make potions in the right proportions. That is it..
Maybe it's good... having the whirlwinds of emotions... to know at least I'm alive.
My post entitled Confession of a drama queen had sounded depressing. With this, I am happy to announce that I am ready to put the unhappy episode behind me. There is no future in the past. There is no point whining and complaining all the time. Nothing gets achieved by that. And no one likes to hang out with a person who's upset all the time. But then I'm going to work things one at a time, I'm not going to push myself again.
I decided to be in peace terms with God again. I can't EXACTLY remember all the grudges I hold against God. This is one of the rare times when it is good that my memory fails me. Mid way through the whole ordeal, while my spirit was grieving like what the Bible calls "...a broken spirit dries up bones (Prov17:22)," I could hear the Holy Spirit gently calling me. One morning in my routine of hogging the computer once I wake up (yes, I'm a computer geek), I opened an email by the PKV Yahoo Group. Someone had posted a story, and tears began to roll down. Someone had asked, "Where are you God?" In the story, the angel revealed that God was there all along. There were many similar stories as such, I hadn't plan to read it, but the Holy Spirit has His way of speaking to me. Guess I am not that damnable after all. I still do not have the answers for my many questions. Questions like, "Why have you created someone so dumb, so out of place and never seem to get it right?" I despised myself. One day after I had a hangover, I passed by a big metal chain hanging on the ceiling of a building, I had a thought of hanging myself. It must have been the devil. The angel in me said, "If you have the courage to hang yourself, why can't you have the courage to live?" I walked faster and closed the door behind. I am a babe once again, at least I am on the right track.
To begin the journey, I could do help with a lot of encouragement. Anyone with me, please? People may think I am weak, I don't care. I am just honest. Thank you *with a bow* =)
Challenges in life could either make you or break you. For me, I think it is the latter. Last night I had imsomnia again. So while trying to put myself to sleep, I took out a brown dog - eared notebook with the words GIBs (GIB simply meant "girls in blue", that time Men in Black just came out) written on the front page that YSL, Sookie, Prash and I used to write back in Form 2. Back then, that book was our means of communication as we were all in different classes and chances to meet were little. We took turns to write what we have to say to each other. As kids (teens), we were childish, sometimes selfish, naive and we didn't care what we would turn out to be. Now we do.
It is scary to think how lives have changed for us. For one, Siew Lian is the only one that I'm still keeping in touch with. People come, people go. That's how life works right? Maybe I would do things differently given another chance but there ain't turning back of time or time for regrets for that matter. Prash, YSL and I were put into the same class in Form4, but things were never the same again.
8 years ago, it was the age of mIRC, Spice Girls, Sailormoon, Titanic... what else? But one topic hasn't change much. Boys!!! Now no more boys la. We are talking about men here. We often made the proclamation, "I am in love with ....", like hello, that guy was probably just someone who was taking the same bus, a tuition mate or someone we meet in cyberspace or some camp! As I was flipping through the pages, I was taken aback by an apparent "vow" that I made to myself then. I wrote, "If I meet somebody I really like, I will not miss the opportunities to know him and express my feelings." Since it was a vow, and I am still me, does it mean I still have to keep it? Damn..
