Journey of a Dream

2011-11-26T12:00:00.001+08:00

free images+choices pics on Sodahead

So, yesterday went well. I managed to go all 6 places I intended to go. Well and beyond.

1. At the PTPTN office, I was sent back and forth to Level 6, then to Level 11 and then finally to Level 8. As usual, nobody seems to know anything to settle my problem immediately. Apparently, there is this promotion for those who finish paying their PTPTN in one lump sump by this year. They backdated the interest calculation from 2008 to 1% instead of 3%. So, I got some discount and instead of me having to pay them, I actually overpaid them. That's a nice and pleasant surprise.

2. Next, I went to AusAsia and met up with the consultant. At this point, I realise I should have come here earlier because the impending deadline of July 2012 is very near. This is the whole reason for my weary heart. The questions that plagued my mind all the way are these:

a. Do I really want it?
b. So, if I really want it, do I want to spend the BIG $$$ to get it? Accordingly, if I am willing to pay that amount, there is 99.9% chance of me getting it provided I choose to take up their service. In order for me to pay them, I will have to be in massive debt which I really do not desire since I had just painstakingly paid of my study loan. If I choose not to take up their service, I have only 50% chance of getting it.
c. So, if I get it, is there a guarantee that of happiness?

3. Kompleks Mahkamah Petaling Jaya - Done what I intended to do.

4. Register IELTS at IDP - the lady who attended to me was rude, service sucks but no choice since registering with IDP comes with a book. With British Council, I will have 30 hours of online help. I prefer having a physical book to read.

5. Meeting at Cyberjaya - Didn't go that well. I wasn't that desirable and so is the other party.

6. Errands at Ministry of Foreign Affairs at Wisma Putra, Putrajaya - Not very cekap, certified true copies of a few pieces of paper took more than an hour

How fitness became an obsession

2011-11-23T00:11:00.001+08:00

For the most part of my life, I led a sedentary lifestyle. As a kid, the most that I did was to sprint. I wasn't into competitive sports. So when I started salsa in 2009, my tummy was already bulging in front of me. I wasn't heavy, just about 50kg, but my waistline could almost match a guy.

Then the quest for fitness started. Maybe by listening "someone" telling me all the time that gym is a religion, the belief got into me and that is how my gym membership started. Just in a matter of a few months, I started to see my weight dropping. I don't really know if I can credit this to my gym membership or the things that I went through as I was severely dehydrated from all the tears. The physical pain that I put on my body to train did not seem like anything when compared to the pain I felt deep inside.

Soon enough, people around me started to notice my smaller frame. Lady Di commented on it. SuSu commented on it. A few ladies in the office commented on it. Even some guys in my company commented on it. Jo commented on it and when I told her I could see my rib cage now, she said I'm aneroxic. I can't count how many people who actually noticed. Whomever they are, I loved the comments they gave me. In fact, I became inspiration for many women and I would gladly give them advice

My work pants could no longer hold my smaller hips that I had to alter them. I love it. But at this point, I was getting a bit lazy with gym. Work and other commitments got a hold on me. The frequent holidays didn't help either as each time I had to start again all over. By now, I was no longer as rigid with my diet.

Then, I really want to end the year well. I want to see flat tummy, less cellulite (of course, the most ideal will be no cellulites at all). I bought a shorts that could not fit me by accident. My aim is to fit in that shorts which I have yet to do so.

All in all, it was a big paradigm shift from Jim to gym (pun intended).

2011-11-22T23:30:00.000+08:00

This Friday is an extremely important day for me.

It's THE DAY I finally strike study loan debt out of the list.
It's THE DAY I will discuss M opportunities with a "consultant."
Then I have to go to Cyberjaya and Putrajaya.
From here I can get cheap air tickets.
If the day goes well, then I go and sign up for a very important exam, which is a gateway to the big M.

The alternative of pain

2011-11-20T00:12:00.000+08:00

The other day, I was reading about Dr Paul Brand, a physician who spent much of his life in medical research for the improvement of lives of leprosy patients. He was the first physician to explain that leprosy does its damage by destroying nerve endings, and when nerve endings are destroyed, patients lose their sensation of pain which made them susceptible to injury. While people are trying to get rid of pain, Dr Paul Brand spent millions of dollars trying to create the sensation of pain for his leprosy patients. In this, Dr Paul Brand introduced a different perception about pain and pleasure: Pain, despite its negative perceptions about it, can be a gift and may even be essential. Thus, together with Philip Yancey, he has authored a book entitled "The Gift of Pain". I will get a hold on this book when I can.

On a side note, my pilate instructor, Jezzalyn, said something that rung heavily in my head. She said while all of us were tucking our bellies with a seksa face, "If you are not in pain, you are not getting it."

Lost In Lifeless Existence

2011-10-30T03:11:00.001+08:00

Reflecting my life this year, 1 theme prevailed above all. If it was about anything, it was about the lack and loss of HOPE. After losing a certain someone, I wanted to detach from my past and run away from my current geographical location, whatever that reminded my of my failures. I deleted SMSes that reminded me of that, I neglected gifts that he gave me, I threw things away in my room which I deemed taking up too much space, which included items like books, bags, clothes, etc. This throwing things act is what I call a need to de-clutter. In reality, what I need is a "mind de-clutter" to clear things up in the head and decide what I really want. My weekends mostly consisted of "resting from burnouts" and "gathering my mind" which resulted from a "struggling career". However, these rest I got from weekends never really came out to any decisions.

Slowly but surely, I lost passion in the things that used to matter to me. My dancing session was reduced to only attending classes. As for social dancing, I could only be seen dancing once a month, if any at all. I used to visit the mall regularly and had a hard time resisting my temptation to spend, but I have cut down my mall visits to maybe just once a month simply because I was disinterested. I stopped drinking coffee at my favourite Starbucks joints. To avoid deciding what to wear to work everyday, I have lined them up in a way that I will wear them on rotation. I stopped going out on Saturday nights for any booze at all. I only caught up with friends who wanted to meet up with me and didn't get initiative with my friendships. I realize, all these were saving me a lot of money, but deep inside me, I felt hollow.

I didn't know what I could do to make me feel better, but somehow, I have developed an affinity for reading poignant stories of miraculous survivals and breakthroughs in the face of difficulties and hopelessness. Two notable ones are the stories of Liz Murray and Jaycee Lee Dugard. These stories tell me that despite whatever people go through or what kind of slumdog background people come from, somehow, with courage and persistence, and an attitude of never giving up, somehow, things will turn out fine.

Despite my failing mental health with bouts of imsomnia and depression, things turned out better than I thought. I was euphoric after receiving the letter yesterday, even though the euphoria lasted me just for a day before my mind asks the next BIG QUESTION. Do I still want the BIG MOVE now? Is there a guarantee that better life lies ahead when I take the BIG MOVE? The truth is that there is no guarantee... and it might be just another chasing after the wind. It might not be the panacea that I am looking for the gaping spiritual hole that I have.

So, I turn to books again. This time, it's a book on Christian missions. Tales of people who go into dangerous mission fields where they faced persecution and house arrests. Tales about people who give up their own comfort to meet the needs of less fortunate children caught in slavery and prostitution. As I read the book, I realize I could be fired up in my Christian faith again in the area of compassion. For too long, compassion have been known to be feeling provoking but not act inducing. I figure too that I had been to selfish to my own needs. If I focus on other people's needs, that may be the panacea to my own problems and mental war. So I will take small steps to check out what I can do.

Being lost is bad, and I hate seeing my friends lost too.. especially when they have weird beliefs like existentialism.

In Band Perry's If I Die Young, the song sounds very morbid yet so meaningful. Life is making the best at what you've got.

Ok this is the end of my Saturday night and another "gathering my mind" session.

The Band Perry - If I Die Young

2011-10-30T01:34:00.000+08:00

Burn out episodes - there will be more

2011-09-23T07:37:00.000+08:00

For the third time this week, I worked late.

Monday 9.30 pm, extra 3 hours 45 minutes
Wednesday 7.55pm, extra 2 hours 10 minutes
Thursday 9.05pm, extra 3 hours 20 minutes

If I add all these up, that would make a day's work. I didn't want to do it, I just had to because there 20 items in my to - do list, and I know if I don't strike up items in the list, new things would just come in everyday. Mind you, these 20++ items are not my routine work to get "ester" going, they are "extra" work that has accumulated over the past few months, and if I don't do it right away, they just get harder to do.

All kinds of negative thoughts conjure up in my mind everyday, but with the additional hours when I am physically tired, I start to lose my mind.

|Why am I doing all these extra hours beyond my working hours? Is my pay RM5k a month? Am I being paid overtime? Do I get extra bonus?

All I get is a mean boss who doesn't appreciate me at all. All I get is crappy appraisal. All I get is being bullied by her and her accomplice. All I get is frequent burn out episodes and cases of insomnia which are happening more frequently these days. I can't even go gym, cell group, earn extra income.. It really eats into my personal time but if I don't do it, people will complain that I am incompetent...

Do they really know how much I am handling? Plant 1 is running at bullet train speed. Plant 2 is picking up. This year, the quantity of product is almost twice of last year. Which means, twice product forms, twice footnote, twice outgoing BLC, twice lab technician problems, more customer complaints... Besides this, I still have to develop methods, answer Sales and Marketing Queries, answer Technical Service queries, source for external lab services as there are ever more new testing requirements from customers, help R&D team with their queries, help other site labs to do ad hoc testing. Just last week, no brainer boss added 3 additional instruments into my lap. When I asked her, the reason that she gave me is because I am PIC for "ester" and so happen these few instruments fall under "ester".

People say, "If you are not happy, don't complain. Just tender the letter." True, in fact, I have prepared the letter which is sitting in my personal folder. But how I am gonna go through the remaining 3 months when every single day is hellish...

Dealing with Pain Part 6 - The Band Perry's If I Die Young

2011-09-07T00:51:00.000+08:00

Music has a way to connect the soul. Isn't is true that some songs just remind you of certain someone or certain season in your life? Secondhand Serenade's Fall For You reminds me about this guy from another church that I had a crush on when I just came out working. Shakira's Hips Don't Lie reminds me of Joe cos the club played this song during the only time we went to Poppy's together. I'll Missing You and How Do I Live Without You remind me of high school days. Of course, Faye Wong's －执迷不悔 and Broken Hearted Women remind me of my primary school days. I was a huge Faye Wong's fan!

One of those earlier days after dance practice while listening to the female version of When You Say Nothing At All in his car, I secretly wished that he would serenade me with this song with his soulful voice. From that day onward, I imagine myself walking down the aisle with him. On our wedding dinner, we would perform our Salsa - Bachata first dance. Well, of course, that never took place.

Apart from that song, a song that immediately connected with my pain was The Band Perry's If I Die Young. When the thing just happened, when I could not accept it yet, this song played on the radio on the way home after work, streams of tears flowed in a gush. It wasn't just the meaningful lyrics of how, "Funny, when you're dead people start listening." It was that song just connected with my feelings. Listening to this song, it reminded of how EXACTLY I felt at that time... the need to run away from my pain. I remember sitting in front of my laptop looking for migration opportunities.

Because... I could not deal with my pain. I could not deal with the realization that I would never drink another glass of his protein drink. The realization that we would never again walk in the streets of Bangsar for lunch. The realization that we would never drive to the laundry shop ever again pick up his laundry. I would never again step foot into True Fitness Hartamas to wait for him to finish his gym session. That I would never again see him pack his clothes into the tiny luggage he uses for his frequent travels. The realization that we would never again sit together on his yoga mat. The realization that I would never again sit on his balcony enjoying the view of the new Istana Negara. It was the last of the last, not like the previous times when we had arguments but made it up after that.

I wanted to run away so much.. so in conclusion, this song just reminded the sole thing I wanted to do to get away from my pain which is to run away. So many months on, I haven't really done much for the thing I promised myself to do. Despite this song reminding me of pain, it also reminds me of my sole mission and help me to be focused to achieve it.

2011-08-22T00:45:00.000+08:00

It's kinda ironic how holidays can make one feel tired when the original idea of a trip is to rejuvenate oneself. The more holidays I went, the more tired I became. I spent many hours pre - trip researching information with regards to the trips.. going to embassy to get visa done. Then I also spent many hours working for money to go on those trips. During the trips, I get exhausted because I maximize every possible hour when I am at the foreign country. Even during flights, I would read up more information, in case there is anything that I might have missed out. Coming back, I could only afford a few hours rest because the next day I had to go to work. So many times, I was drained up physically and emotionally. The trips were simply too demanding and too much to sacrifice for.

At some point in life, I believed that my existence on earth was to travel around the world. Today, that belief seems too shallow to me. Since I don't quite like work, travel is the nemesis of it and of late, I am not ashamed to admit it. Like duh... who does?

That is just the half truth.. The whole truth is that "I don't like my work at this moment, there had been better times, and there will certainly be times in the future I will put in my best... It's just that, it just kinda suck right now."

Which means, I believe I am capable, because I was capable in the past, I am sure I can repeat those feats again. I can spend hours and hours pouring into work with enthusiasm and passion, and money, reward and appreciation are the by - products of my efforts and passion.

Sure, I love to travel. Sure, I love to dance. Sure I love Oreo. Sure I love to go to the gym.. these are also passions inseparable of who I am. But work provides me with some sort of satisfaction and defines my self - worth. So at the end of the day, I still need to work which means, I am not really the housewife material.

Having said that, it does not mean that I agree to the idea of househusbands. I somehow don't see myself taking the active role of breadwinner by waking up to work every morning, while my hubby prepares breakfast, gets ready the dinner, babysit the kids and tuck them to bed and by the time I reach home, they are already asleep.

So I suppose, balance is the keyword here.

My thoughts on Harv Eker: Secrets of the Millionaire Mind - Part 1

2011-08-15T01:02:00.000+08:00

I can't sleep without writing this post. About a month and a half ago, I bought this book while shopping at Chitta Mall at Ara Damansara. Some time ago, I read Robert Kiyosaki's Rich Dad Poor Dad, which was equally as expounding, but at that time my working life has just begun, so I did not give much of a thought.

However, this time round, I chewed on this book as if it has life's treasures in it. I started reading this book less than a month ago, but I have yet to finished because I was taking my time to note down all the important points which are... too important to miss.

To some, the subject of financial freedom seem unattainable and far fetched. It was exactly the reason that after I read Rich Dad Poor Dad, I did nothing much about it. Actually, over the past 2 years, I did put some actions like attending seminars to gain some financial education, but other than that, I didn't actually start investing. The reason? I have no bucks for investment.

But now, I have a renewed zeal. I understand now that before I can earn big bucks, I need to have the millionaire mindset for it. In the past, I used to think that rich people are filthy, and they acquire their big bucks through their filthy ways. Today, I understand that these thoughts are stumbling blocks to whom I want to be. I also used to think that money is not important, this is also crappy.

To really understand what I mean, one has to really read the book.. I am usually a skeptic, but there's just so many truths in it.. if only one chooses to believe.

Fears

2011-08-14T00:40:00.000+08:00

The fears I had lately had caused me anxiety. I was easily agitated, moody, restless, tensed up and at times, could not even sleep.

Firstly, it was the worry that what if my Jogja budget was blown up? I had precisely 1 million rupiah for 2 days and was worried that this might not be enough. In essence I am not that reckless, I had a buffer of 100 USD in case I needed more, or there is always credit card and use the tactic we did in Bali when money ran out. True enough, I spent precisely 1 million with my last two purchases of a batik robe for mom and kuih lapis. So I am over this fear.

Another fear that mushroomed the past few days that caused me to be weary is that my consistent student of almost a year now announced that he was stopping tuition because he wanted to study medicine. I somehow had planned to pay off PTPTN using my income from tuition, and with his announcement, my dream seem dashed. I told myself to be calm as there is a reason for everything that happens, and it is always for the better. I stayed calm and collected, and few days later my student told me he is continuing with his A Levels. So this fear has subsided too.

So, the third fear, was the fear of insecurity. Strange as it sounds, this is the first time that I do not feel secure being in PORK. If there is any weakness in PORK, it never crosses my mind that it is insecurity. But after my appraisal, I somewhat feels that this is all a conspiracy. And fear begins to grip me. Nobody really believe that I can do what I said I will do. But then again, when nobody believes in you, the least you can do for yourself is to believe in yourself.

2011-08-08T01:52:00.000+08:00

I feel anxious... I am desperate to leave this place... But I haven't found a better option... and bonus time is not here yet. Another 5 more months. Can it be any more miserable?

For few days now, I have this imaginary conversation that runs through my mind again and again.. I imagine having a closed door meeting with Mr GM. He will try to "dig" from me what is the reason for my leaving, not as if he has not already known.. In my current emotional self, I want to tell him that Kite sucks, and she has this conspiracy to make me miserable.

I want to tell him one by one how Kite wronged me. How S&M will request something from her, she will sit on it a few days, when S&M chase her, she will demand to do it IMMEDIATELY. How rude she is. How she just doubts me. How un-knowledgeable she is about the subject matter. How micro she is..How she is the catalyst for my leaving.. But in the end, I just feel that there is no point in bad - mouthing a person. After all, that will leave me in a bad light, which makes things worse. Nevertheless, truth must be told. A soft version of the truth maybe.

So, if I imagine the conversation will go on something like this:

Mr GM: So finally, after our discussion that day, you decided to tender resignation?

Me: Yes, I think that is the best thing to do right now. I thank you for the opportunities that you, Lady Di and Ms Beautiful gave me. I really learned a lot from you guys. It was a truly enriching experience. And there are also a lot of people that I will miss here. But then I think this is the best thing to do now.

Mr GM: Why, are things so bad around here?

Me: Honestly, I come to work to learn and to contribute. And to get rewarded. I think all these are closely related. Since I am rated just rated "average", maybe I don't deliver enough value. Ever since you talked to me, I started putting in more effort, but in the end, things just didn't improve. In the end, I just got demotivated and unhappy.

Mr GM: Hmm, actually I can see that you put in a lot of effort. I thought things have improved between the 2 of you?

Me: No boss, what you see is actually on the surface. I tried to make things work. I put in more effort and become more tolerable. But in the end, things just didn't work. I guess, the both of us just have incompatible personalities to work together.

The conversation could just end here, or it could just go on.

Mr GM: Actually, it'll be the same everywhere you go. There are always difficult people to work with.

Me: Yes, I agree to that, but at the rate I am going, I don't think I'm happy. I have been unhappy since last year. But after the appraisal, I just decided that it is time to leave.

Mr GM: What was wrong with the appraisal?

Me: Well, I think that it was unfair that I didn't even have the opportunity to appraise myself unlike the previous year. She just decided that I was only worth that value. But I didn't say anything then cos I just felt that there is no point. In my humble opinion, people should be given the credit for doing the extra mile, but in this case, it is not appreciated. But I tell myself it is ok, I will find someone who will appreciate my value.

Mr GM: (Deep in thoughts and hopefully he feels the loss of a good employee)...

I don't know how this conversation will end.

My PORK journey - Part 2

2011-08-06T01:18:00.000+08:00

Lady Di was about 30km away at the HQ. But today, I decided to Skype her. I asked her if the right procedure is to give the opportunity to an employee to appraise herself and then the boss amends it later. She said yes.. I told her I didn't even have that chance. 2 days ago, on the 3rd of August, which is precisely 2 years since I started work at PORK, Kite asked me to go to her room. Surprise birthday party is common. Surprise proposal is common (duh, when is proposal not a surprise?). But have you ever heard of surprise appraisal? More like an instant one as she had to submit to relevant authorities on that day.

She explained to me the points in the appraisal. In summary, I was rated "average". She said I had potential and that I have great ideas that are actually workable. She said my reports are very good and she could see that I had put in a lot of effort to stay back late to make sure work are done. But in my mind, I was thinking, how come this is not reflected in my points? So for all that I have done, I am just "average"... I wanted to defend myself. I wanted her to see the good things I have done.. but then, when a person already has a negative perspective about you, there is no amount of words that will cause her to give me more marks. So I continued sitting at the "berlakon" session until 1.5 hours passed. I came out of the room depressed and demotivated. I suddenly felt like a stupid fool for all the times I stayed back late. In fact, there were times I stayed till 9ish when it's dark and dangerous to walk to carpark. But I was dedicated. But in the end, I was just "average". Honestly, deep in my heart, I don't really believe that I am average. My philosophy is that EVEN if anyone is average but if he takes the effort to try to do things well, he should be awarded the credit.

Many thoughts are running through my mind, I find the need to search deep within myself and analyse what went wrong. I talked to few people I'm close with. My mind is quite creative, I somehow came up with the thought that this is a conspiracy to get rid of me. Kite needs me now, but why is she treating me like this? The way I see it, she does not see that my work is of good value to her, and hence I am only "average".

I set a new KPI.. latest by 31st December the "letter" will land on her table. Since I do not deliver value and is not appreciated, why stay? Mr GM will tell me that everywhere you go is the same, you will face difficult bosses. I agree with him, but if staying here means permanently unhappy, why not I take the risk? At least if I take the risk, I can either be happy or unhappy.

One of the people I talk to about this is 7th Aunt. She's been a boss before and she is a lecturer now. She told me how she will never simply appraise her subordinates because this will affect their livelihood. She will also marks her students papers properly because this will determine whether they graduate or not. Anyway, that is besides the point. More importantly is that she struck a very important point. She said something to the effect that I have been talking about leaving PORK for some time already, I talk a lot but there is no action. It's true... And my next post is a reflection on that.

My PORK journey

2011-08-06T00:00:00.000+08:00

2 years ago, precisely 3rd Aug 2009, I landed my feet at PORK for my first day at work. A career would soon form here, for a period of 2 years at least.

On the first day itself, I didn't feel happy. My first impression was that this lab was really old. Went to see Lady Di. She brought me around the lab and showed me the things I needed to know. A more senior chemist took me for lunch at the canteen that day at the "instruction" of Lady Di. After a week of running through documents in the department folder which I had no slightest inkling, 1st in command Ms Beautiful gave me my first project, which was to create this S&M information pack for a new product that is used to make pearlescing effect in shampoos, etc.

This project somehow created a good rapport with Ms Beautiful. She was impressed with my Power Point slides. Soon, more projects landed on me. But at the lab, I had problems. The 2 more senior chemists were good friends, and they detested me. I had a lot of difficulty getting things done, but somehow, the tough environment made me strong, and I excelled even more. Lady Di and Ms Beautiful entrusted more things into my lap. Fate somehow changed things. The 2 senior chemists decided to fight with each other, and the most senior one, somewhat became my ally.

So after working for 1 year, I got my reward in the form of a good appraisal, and eventually a good increment. But again, fate got twisted. Ms Beautiful got promoted and moved on to the headquarters. As for Lady Di, she got promoted too. But a few months after that, she got transferred out. And then Kite moved in.

And then my misery begins again.. My next post follows up on this..

2011-06-29T00:07:00.000+08:00

One of the people that tells truth straight to my face is SL, even though I think her of being too direct and sometimes, for having the facts wrong. But when she told me, " why do you always complain no money when you always go on holiday?" She was right on that. I think no one can be more frank than her. Sometimes what she says jolt me out to reality, at other times, nature just takes its course until I learned my lesson, such as when the painful emotional roller coaster ride with Unofficial Ex-boyfriend No2 took place. She warned me, but I did not heed her advice. One thing, that SL would not hesitate to take a swipe on me is how I spend my money.

I admit, I don't fare quite well in that sector and has very little discipline in it. The bad thing about me is that I remember my 16 digit credit card no, with the additional 3 no. What is wrong with me that despite my failing memory, I can remember all the 19 digits. And the effect is disastrous.

Seouled Out

2011-06-24T21:56:00.002+08:00

The Seoul episode is behind me now. Things went 90% as planned. There were hiccups here and there, but I think I did a pretty good job at planning the whole trip. Sometimes, there was fear in me. What if Bee Won Guesthouse suddenly did not have a room for me? What if Tour DMZ and Nami forgot my reservations? I know, for the slightest mistake that I do, I would be reprimanded, not through physical beating, but endless audio abuse that I have to bear. True enough, I can't remember a single day in that 6 days that I did not get scolding and nagging and complaints.

"What? I came all the way to see this tunnel?"

"The museum is boring."

"What? I traveled all the way by bus just to see this fortress?"

For the first few days, I just tried to bear it like I have for all these years. But as days went by, I wanted to retaliate. In the end, I chose to keep silent when pissed off. Somehow, this overshadowed the fun that I supposedly had in the trip. Of course, the weather in Seoul did not help at all. By the end of the first day, the right side of my mouth was full of ulcers. By the second day, my left side too. Too much of kimchi and everything else red spicy and grilled. By the time I came home, they were all gone!! Thank God.

I was the planner, the navigator, the treasurer, the direction asker (bear in mind, I can't speak Korean either). No wonder, coming back I just felt so exhausted. It felt like an eunuch "siu kwai ji" serving the concubine (leung leung). Anyway, it's good being back in KL.

On the good side, I tried all the Korean food I know - bibimbap, mandoo (something like the Japanese gyoza or the Chinese "jiau zi"), bulgogi, rich cake, ginseng chicken soup, spicy chicken feet, green bean pancake, grilled pork skin (yes, the skin.. and all the oil that comes with it). I think I want to take a break from Korean food for 3 months.

Other than that, I bought a lot of masks.. Like a lot with olive, pomegranate, caviar, aloe, rice, lemon, honey, pearl, green tea, sea kelp, seaweed extracts. Apparently, each of this mask brings different effects on the face. Moisturizing, nourishing, brightening, vitalizing, exfoliating, soothing, hydrating. I also bought a lot of skincare products which can last me for 1 year. I also bought some shoes and clothes.

Mastery over procrastination - When will I do something about this situation?

2011-05-10T23:13:00.000+08:00

My threshold is running a little low. Kite has been away for a week. Everyone let down their guards. But despite that, there is this tension in the air. As if something was not right.The new clerk complained about her new job and tendered her resignation just after one week after reporting. Apparently, she can't stand SuSu. SuSu peered over when she is doing work. New clerk caught her doing that through the computer screen reflection. Besides that, she was reprimanded for talking to the lady technicians. Other than that, it's what I have been accustomed to for the 1.75 years I was here: No handphone, lest you spill sensitive company information; no food and drink, not even sweets or nescafe, lest you spill the coffee like a kid..

As I sat in front of the computer screen, I tried to recall the last time I was away. I went to our R&D center at Westport a few months. Yes it was that long!!! A few months ago... I have hardly been to the headquarters, seminar, library, training or whatever ever since Kite took charge. This is not the place I want to be. The corporate ladder is higher than Rapunzel's tower and I am still at the bottom. Yes I know, this place is very safe. But security no longer lures me. I need a new challenge.

I know, I have been talking about the new challenge since January. Yet I have not done much during the last 5 months. I was busy with Japan, I am busy with Korea and tuition. If I am really sick of the situation, I should really do something about it but am I doing anything?

2011-05-08T12:11:00.000+08:00

I found out today about what actually transpired within the 5 days Zoe was here. Apparently, mum had complained to Nicole about her leg. I don't know what she complained, that it was still painful and that we did not take care of her? Personally, I'm tired about her leg. After hospitalization, visits to Gasing tabib cina and Pudu tabib cina which include urut the kaki, acupuncture and using IR, nothing seems to work. It's not like I didn't spend money. All of us spent money but no matter how we try, words has it that we are not treating Mum well. Anyhow, Zoe will be in Dubai permanently by Oct. So why all the trouble now?

From Osaka to Segambut

2011-05-07T00:14:00.001+08:00

My house has suddenly turned silent today. There is no more noise of nursing babe, or voices of adults nursing a babe. What a contrast from 2 days ago, where there were bottles and toys lying everywhere, and the fridge filled with more bottles and plastic bags filled with breast milk. My mornings were greeted with music suited for my young niece. None of these are heard or seen anymore.

My dad angry, and my mum disappointed, that's the kind of feeling you get if you walk into my house right now. But I know, they will eventually get over it. 2 weeks ago, they were euphoric about the fact that they get to take care of their own grandchild. Today, that hope is dashed.

As for me, it's living with terms that I can't play with my niece. She'll probably be mandarin speaking. But once again, Oreo can roam freely in my house.

Seminar with Dr Peter J Daniels

2011-05-03T14:44:00.001+08:00

Saturday morning began with dragging myself out of bed at 8.30am, a very unusual practise from waking up at about 10 ish as I am accustomed to on Saturday mornings. This was the second saturday in a row that I actually wake up early to go for seminars. But it's ok, this weekend is a long weekend.

Yes, there are a lot of seminars you can go to. A lot of feel good seminars to motivate you. But this particular one, I wanted to go because Dr Peter J Daniels is a billionaire owning a gold and silver bullion bank hailing from Down Under and he is 70+ yrs old.When I go for seminars, I often wonder why would people bother teaching if they make so much money in futures/ options/ forex/ stock/ real estate? Could it be that teaching earns them more than they do trading? For Dr Peter J Daniels, I know he simply wants to bless the church. And being a billionaire, whatever he said has been tried and tested.

His accent was particularly hard to listen on Saturday morning where I just dragged myself out of bed. But by Monday, I was used to listening to that accent.

He spoke about the need of feeding the brains. He spoke about having a life long dreams and having a plan to make sure it happens. He also gave some investing tips which I'm keeping close to my heart.

The 1st law of success, according to him, is the mastery over procrastination. So to begin with, I need to read some books. Success may be a big word to use. For me, I just hate the thought of being stuck in a job I don't enjoy all my life and the corporate ladder is as slow as the turtle's journey with a lot of hard work but very little reward. So this is my little step launching into the deep and I have to agree, it all begins in the mind.

Exotic Pole @ Viva Vertical, Hartamas branch

2011-04-29T16:32:00.000+08:00

After trying out Freestyle Fitpole at Pink Vibes, I decided to check out TalentHub, albeit far. So after gym, I headed to Sri Hartamas, a place I have not been for 5 months.

Honestly, I don't really like to go to any place that is female dominated. Too much estrogen and progesteron make me wanna choke. Coming from a workplace where my actual colleagues aka chemists are all females and coming from all girl primary and secondary schools, sometimes I just wanna take a break away from all these. But for a pole dance studio, what was I expecting? I feel intimidated.. I don't know why.. Maybe because females generally have this sorority and bitching thing.

Soon, all the students arrived. There are about 4 regulars there. The instructor, Natasha, taught about 4 sets of 8 counts move that day, not enough to complete a song but it was good enough for me. I hoisted myself up the pole with my right ankle supporting my lower body, my left crossing over my right leg, and both my hands supporting the upper body. After that, the next move was to move the body to the left, while being at the pole. Another move consisted of doing a sexy cross aka kangkang the legs. Another set of moves involved spinning the pole like a "chair" and "fireman". Natasha told me to only do the "fireman", as I was a newbie. But even then, I find that it was difficult and after all using much of my core muscles, I was too tired to do the spin.

Without realising how fast time flies, the class was soon over. Honestly, I really enjoyed the class because afterall, pole dance is a very expressive dance. Despite liking the dance, I decided against joining the lessons due to the following reasons.

1. Distance - Very far, it takes me 1 hour to drive from Klang
2. Location - Hartamas always remind me of him
3. People - I don't feel very comfortable with this bunch of people
4. Money - I just paid RM250 for social dance class and for 2 seminars this coming May. Pole dance is quite expensive, RM160 for 4 lessons.
5. Focus - I recently just joined social dance and already started with disco rock, hopefully cha cha is next. Maybe I should just focus in this this now
6. Time - With social dance, tuition, work (yes, work takes up most time), maybe it's not so wise to start lessons yet

Maybe, in a few more months, I'll be able to free up some time, save some money, get over him totally, wait till this bunch goes away, then I can join the classes.

To make a change, why not start now?

2011-04-24T22:09:00.002+08:00

Yesterday morning, I went to Legend Hotel to hear someone talk about stock investment. There were a few things I picked up during the 1.5 hours I was there. Not so much about stock investment, as I don't have any money to do stock investment right now. The presenter, Marcus, was very good in his delivery techniques. Deep in all of us, we know, the reason we attend such seminar is because we don't have financial freedom right now.

What really struck me is that he said, "people procrastinate, but like it or not, time is still going to pass."

It struck me a fair bit because about 2.5 years ago, I read Robert Kiyosaki's Rich Dad Poor Dad. I remember, I was so stirred up that I didn't want to remain in employment. But right now, I'm still employed. I'm not much closer to where I wanted to be. So it's true, like it or not, time is still going to pass and the question is, to make a change, why not start now?

Then he also said, "people work 10 hours a day, but they are not willing to spend 20 minutes a day to educate themselves?" I can't help to agree more. People are willing to work hard on their jobs, but they don't work hard on themselves.

So for a change, I want to resist looking at online shopping websites. Buy some books on investment and financial freedom, go for seminar (I already signed up for National Achievers Congress). Don't know how much it helps but it's a good start.

Anyway, I learned some jargons:

Trading ratio means how much are you willing to lose in order to earn

Too much about soap and titanium

2011-04-15T23:26:00.000+08:00

This week had been a hectic one for me. Things could have helped if I slept well, but most days I just didn't, especially on Sunday and Monday night, where the week just rolled in and I found it hard to start off.

Nevertheless it was a fruitful one:

Monday night - researching about Seoul. Gosh, this is tough work, why not I just pay the travel agent to get things done and ensure the whole trip goes on smoothly? All because I want to add a personal touch to the trip, in fact too personal that I practically want to plan every detail.. the subway, the jimjilbang experience I want to have, how much will the ajuma charge me for scrubbing my body like how she would scrub a dirty pot, the jazz experience I want to have at Hongdae, the view of Winter Sonata I want to see at Namiseom)

Tuesday - Tuition class that lasted for 2 hours. Sometimes I wonder how people can start to study 2 months before the final exam and expect to miraculously pass the exam. His Chemistry level is just form 5 level, if not worse. Organic, too many reactions to remember. Inorganic, more reactions to remember. Physical chemistry, too many definitions and understanding involved.. Sometimes I just don't know how to help people like that. All I can say is that I can only try to do my best. Where there is demand, there the supply will be.

Wednesday - Dance practise with Unofficial Ex-Boyfriend No.2 Just felt wasted my bachata class without going for practice so we decided to go ahead with this. This is the first time in 4 months that I actually talked more than 10 minutes with him. Before this, I was still upset with him. And I realized that being estranged from him made me feel worse because I can't really be angry with people that I care for no matter how bad the person once treat me. I don't really hold grudges to my heart. That's why I'm still in good terms all my ex-es. But will we ever be as close as we once was? No.. no way. I wish to have a life like him too, spend half a year traveling to different countries.. What kinda life is that?

Thursday - Met up with Jol and Shan, just like the good old times in Form 6, for a pole dance trial class at Viva Vertical, SS15. We arrived half an hour late due to not being able to find the place. It was a small place, just 4 poles and there were 7 of us so we had to rotate the poles. The dance is really sexy and expressive. But then, we decided against joining (for now) because we don't have a pole at home and that makes it difficult to practise. Besides, having learned dance at Havana Estudio before, somehow I expect the instructor to teach like Sam and Aisha, or Haan from Dance Connexion for the matter. But every instructor has his own style, I can't get used to her (maybe I will if I try harder). After the class we headed for Korean BBQ.

Friday - Came back straight after work to catch up at the mamak with dad. (Was supposed to have a class with student but he ffk, or drinking session with colleague, anyway I'm really too tired to go anywhere) My way of unwinding the week and prepare for tomorrow's lesson. Washed my clothes, iron my favourite green top, and bought a cake online. So far I have bought facial session, lingerie, burger, cake, cupcakes, gym membership, dance classes, magazine subscription, donation, hair cut - ONLINE). Who says you need to go out to spend money?

Irreconcilable Differences

2011-04-06T11:14:00.000+08:00

Going up watching TVB series, where divorces frequently happen on-screen, the characters in a show often quote irreconcilable difference for the reason of their divorce. Apparently, it's when you try all means to salvage a relationship, yet at the end of the day it just doesn't work.

Ever since Kite took over, I had never been truly happy here. People say, when there's a fresh face, there's also a fresh breath. In this case, I beg to differ. One reason is because I was quite happy with Lady D before Kite came into the picture. Of course with Lady D it was not like trouble free, but then I was 10X happier.

With Lady D, I was a small tiny alchemist, but with Kite, I have become the Bangla here. Other people's work have also become my work, everything has become urgent, gosh, I hate that phrase!!! There's no dignity, no purpose, no training, no future.. I have given up on this place. Worse, I doubt myself more than ever. I no longer feel good about myself, my performance, when that happens, I should really not be here anymore. I feel so low I'm beginning to send out negative vibes around me.

I have given up hope and can no longer accept the irreconcilable differences.

The sky is your limit

2011-04-03T01:07:00.000+08:00

Option 1 - Take up part - time MBA at Nottingham University, KL campus, while maintaining my job. 2 years for 55K

Option 2 - Working holiday visa in Australia. Work to earn money for travel, but then can't earn enough money to give back home and pay car installment, can I?

Option 3 - Work as lab technician in a university in Oman. Downgrade from chemist to technician. So cham.. Got salsa over there?

Option 4 - Work as waitress in Dubai. OK Dubai got salsa.. and at least I know someone familiar and might be able to stay at his place aka my brother.

Dealing with Pain Part 5

2011-04-03T00:27:00.001+08:00

The tears have not stopped till today after 4 long months. It happens now at less intervals and shorter periods these days. Bottom line, it still hurts because he mattered to me.

I saw him at the Studio Party the other day. Seeing him again, all the memories came alive again. I felt pity for myself. So at 12am, I wanted to leave badly. The more I sat there, the more irrational thoughts I have.

Walking down the stairs, I saw Fred and asked him casually if he was going to have a drink at Devi's. He wasn't going to, but he invited me, and I didn't say no. So the both of us started talking. I love talking to retirees, mainly because they have so much experience in life worth sharing about. We started talking about work. Fred was also a chemist, a rarity because how many people do you meet who is a chemist? Then we started talking about relationships. Fred told me a lot of things I needed to hear. I felt good talking to him, not so hopeless in life after all. And he gave me a tip how I can instantly feel better.

Today evening, we had bachata class again after 4 months break. It really didn't feel that long. People say time flies when you are having fun. I beg to differ. Time flies equally as fast when you are in pain. The pain was elevated by people who care about me, the dog who loves me, the earth that shakes me, the boss that bugs me (ironically, work stress helps to ease emotional pain), so with all these it doesn't feel so painful anymore.

Compared to many moons ago, I am in much better shape now. So I am actually making progress. There are lesser outbursts, sleepless nights, almost no tantrums at all, almost completely rational, my appetite returned (my colleagues can testify to this), my love for shopping returned (these days I do online shopping a lot, I buy gym membership, food, lingerie, magazines, pole dancing class, facial treatment, even language courses, online), I love to dress up and make up once again, I enjoy meeting up with friends (previously all I wanted to do was cry at home). Remember, you are the sole creator of your reality.

les affaires du coeur (affairs of the heart)

2011-04-02T23:24:00.001+08:00

Recently, the news reported that suicide cases in Malaysia are rising at an alarming rate. The most common for suicide is depression, and the main cause of depression is when a relationship comes to an end, and the person feel hopeless about life.

As an outsider, it is easy to judge these people who commit suicide. We blame them for not being able to think clearly, thus claiming their own lives, causing heartbreak for their family members and friends. In the case of Alviss Kong, if people has taken his post seriously within the 45 minutes before he took the downward plunge, could fate has been different?

Sometimes people just need you to be there in times of need. So far, no matter how depressed I am or how tempting the balcony looks, it never hit me to jump down.. because I hate myself looking ugly when I reach Ground 0.

When I am depressed and tell you about it, it usually means that I'm depressed. I won't tell you I am depressed just to grab attention. It means I need help. Sometimes, it's not that I need solution/advice. Do you think I don't know this guy is bad for me? I just need you to go through with me during my hardest times.. If the person chooses not to help me in my down times, chances are, I won't die because you didn't come to my rescue, but I will not confide to you anymore since you don't care.. This is how I lost faith in the cell members I supposedly trust.

Above All Else

2011-03-27T22:44:00.001+08:00

Such a meaningful song..

Jesus, my passion in life is to know You
May all other goals bow down to this journey of loving You more
Jesus, You showered your goodness on me
Given Your gift so freely
But there's one thing I'm longing for

So hear my heart's cry and my prayer for this life
Above all else, above all else, above all else
Jesus, give me Yourself

Saviour, the more that I see your beauty
The more that I glimpse Your glory
My heart is captured by You
Jesus, You are my greatest treasure
Nothing this world can offer ever compares to You

So hear my heart's cry and my prayer for this life
Above all else, above all else, above all else
Jesus, give me Yourself

My Secret to Weight Loss

2011-03-27T13:00:00.001+08:00

Since a few months back, I had people, colleagues, boss, friends I have not seen for some time coming up to me telling me how much weight I have lost. One co-worker posed a good question - Was the weight loss intentional or intentional? To which I told her that it is both. My secret is this:

Diligent workout at the gym + Emotional pain + dehydration (when you cry a lot you lose a lot of body water) + Imsomnia + diet and skipping meals (when I initially joined gym, but stopped doing so when i started having gastric problems)

I guess, without the emotional pain, my weight loss wouldn't have been successful. But trust me, it's not a good way to lose weight.

My chest sunk in till my rib cage can be seen (to this which Jo joked that I'm turning aneroxic), my waist lost a few inches.. but not a level that I'm satisfied. I'm going to change my workout routine tomorrow.

Tokyo encounter - Part 1

2011-03-19T01:53:00.001+08:00

I should be blogging about what fun I had in Tokyo after few months of careful planning and anticipation on this trip. Instead, all the fun are clouded by the fact that on the third day I arrived Tokyo, one of the most historic and devastating triple combo of calamities consisting of earthquake + tsunami + nuclear crisis took place.

After spending the first day at Tokyo Disneyland, and the second at Tsukiji fish market, Hamarikyu gardens, Asakusa, Ueno and Shinjuku, on the third day we took out our itinerary and headed to Hakone to view Mt Fuji as planned. We took train to Shinjuku to purchase our Hakone Free Pass (it's not free BTW).

While in Tokyo itself I was clearly underdressed, I could only blame myself that I only brought a cardigan and a long john to keep me warm. If Tokyo's weather was around 8 - 10C, at Hakone it was 2C as a digital thermometer on top of a house/hut had shown.

After traveling from Shinjuku to Odawara by train, Odawara to Hakone-yumoto by bus, Hakone-yumoto to Hakonemachi by bus (visiting some pillars of pine on the way), At Hakonemachi, we bought hot grilled cuttlefish before cruising Lake Ashi on a "pirate" ship across to Togendai. At Togendai, we took cable car (of which the Japanese call it Ropeway for reasons I do not know) to Owakudani.

Owakudani was where my first encounter with earthquake. Bracing the cold weather, we walked out of the ropeway station, hoping to get some non existent free black eggs at a sulfur crater. As it was already 2.30pm, we decided to have lunch here. I remember very well, it was a pork don.

About 15 min into lunch, I looked at Jo to see if she could feel the tremors. I can't recall what exactly happened at that moment. What I remembered was that a guy sitting at the table next to mine wanted to run out, then the tremors stopped for a moment, before getting more vigorous. The dangling lights above us looked like they were about to fall on us. The hot water dispenser on the table were shaking too. Few seconds later, there was a strong jolt. This time round, I almost wanted to run away from the shop. Then it all stopped. I never felt so alive as such a time like this.

The restaurant staff tried to calm us down. Since Mt Fuji is still an active volcano and as visitors from a country without such natural disaster, , we thought tremors happened frequently around here, so we continued with lunch. From where I was sitting, I could see the cable car halted. It must have been scary up there.

After lunch, we were still persistent with our black eggs. We climbed some altitude, before being shooed away from officers. Other travelers who were also shooed away. We took some pictures of Fuji in the background.

Up to now, we were still oblivious to what had happened. Back to Okudawani station, a Chinese lady told us earthquake had happened and traffic in downtown Tokyo was bad. I slowly churned the information that such a thing would happen during my first trip to Japan.

As train system was practically down, there was no way we could go to Gotemba to check out the premium outlets, the only way was to head back down using the bus. From Togendai to Hakeno-yumoto, it took almost 3 hours that we decided to walk down to Hakeno-yumoto train station. Thankfully, it wasn't very far but it's not something just anyone will do in the pitch dark.

Hakone-yumoto train to Odawara was still working. Since we could not take train back to Shinjuku, we had dinner at this nice cozy place at Odawara with our new found friend from Hong Kong. After some warm noodles and gyoza, we shopped at this mart for 3 hours while waiting for the train to operate again. The worker at the mart was very kind that she allowed me to make a call back to Malaysia.

Finally at 1am, we managed to take train back to Shinjuku. When we reached Shinjuku at 4am, it was not all sweet either. Train back to the hotel I was staying at Nishi Kasai was not in operation at this hour. We slept a makeshift bed at Shinjuku station, along with hundreds of Tokyo dwellers who like us, could not get back home. I could not really sleep at that kinda place, so I just watched Jo as she slept.

The adventure continues....

Change can happen

2011-03-01T23:10:00.000+08:00

Last Friday I was at La Cocina with JL. Caught up with Haan.. It used to be so difficult to listen to his european accent. Most of the time, my attention will drift half way when he is talking to me.

This time, I could hear his accent better. Something was different with La Cocina this time. Difference with the ambience which I did not immediately realize.. My eyes are no longer sore..

As much as Haan teaches me about dancing, he began to tell me that he quitted smoking after 25 years. He is now smoking electronic cigarette which is really, no cigarette at all..

I guess, when one is determined to change, he will do everything he can to change.. Change can happen..

I need discipline for the one goal in mind

2011-02-22T22:30:00.001+08:00

Since the beginning of this year, I had one goal in mind. I wanted to run away from where I am now, because it's becoming too familiar to me.. For all my life, Klang Valley was all that I knew.. I had lived in Shah Alam, PJ Old Town, Kuchai Lama, Sri Sentosa and then coming back to Shah Alam.. The longest I ever left home was the 1 month when I went on the backpacking trip.. My soul longs for a change... A change so big that will turn my life around.. Yes, I had been warned, it's not going to be easy.. "If you are not even happy here, what makes you think you will be happy elsewhere?" I agree with that to a certain extent but what makes me think I will be happy if I stay on for the next 10 years? I just wanted to give myself a chance.. and that involve taking a risk..

So I started doing my homework, I searched this and that website, decided to sit for English exam.. I know it's a long way to go and I am certainly making very slow progress.. How can I expedite this progress when I have to plan itinerary to go Tokyo, Seoul, Jogyakarta, Laos... That's not all, my tuition classes already takes up most of my time on Sunday.. Work is certainly not helping as by the time I get home, it's already almost 7pm.. and the last thing you have in mind to to begin another round of working.. Then at other times, gym which is very crucial to my physical health.. getting flat abs is one of my priorities this year. arghh, and I just bought this access to this language online website to learn spanish.. I've been wanting to learn spanish since started doing salsa..

PS; Tonigt I allow myself to crap a bit cos I slept poorly yesterday.. I dreamed that Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No1's new gf is a villain, and I was trying to warn him about it.. I guess, there's a part of me unwilling to let go..

All in all.. DISCIPLINE is the way to go..

Dealing with Pain Part 4 - Selective memory

2011-02-22T00:06:00.001+08:00

Continuing from my last post about dealing with pain, it just amazes me how the brain works.. I have been going to Capsquare for many many times.. Most of the time, I went there with Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No2. But there were also times when I drove there on my own when Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No2 was away on his diving assignments..

But this time round as Joe drove, I completely had forgotten my whereabouts.. The roads looked very very familiar to me, but then they looked very much the same. It took us 1 hr to reach the place.. I was very "malu" to have wasted so much of Joe's petrol and time. I apologised profusely and was relieved that Joe will still keeping his cool.. Thankfully, he works in the Accidents and Emergency dept in the hospital, he probably knows how to handle this kind of scenario very well.

I believe the brain has a way of blocking unwanted memories.. Sure, dance was something that connected us, sure, Modesto's was where we spent a considerable amount of time together.. Also, there were also times that we skipped Modesto's to watch DVD on the yoga mat and drink soya bean added with protein powder (Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No2 is overly fetish about health).. So, I guess, in order to not remember all that, my brain has decided to remember what it wants to remember.. hence, causing my selective memory..

Weird things happen

2011-02-21T23:29:00.003+08:00

How do you respond when your ex's current girlfriend is stalking you? Not really stalking, but she added me on facebook.. and started asking me questions about him.. The way she asked me, I knew he ain't ordinary friend to her..

She probably doesn't know that I'm the ex (actually, he's not really my ex since we had never been official, he's my Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No1, but to simplify that, I shall just call him ex).

To cut the long story short, she asked me a lot of questions about him.. Of which I obviously know she's not in for a friendship with me, just for the sake of korekking his matlumat.. I said he is nice.. Then she asked me how is he nice to me? I didn't really reply her..

Coincidentally, this girl's birthday and mine fall on the same day.. Last year during my birthday, he already knew this gal, but he asked me out on my birthday anyway... That time, practice sessions with Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No2 just began not too long ago, so I didn't want to miss it. I said no to him.. But as I linked the pieces together, I found out he gave her flowers and cooked spaghetti for her.. Aww so sweet of him.. That confirms that he was never really into me, cos he never cooked anything for me (on the merajuk mode now)!!

It feels really really weird to have your ex's new gf stalking you.. But then I'm really really happy for him if he finds the one (cos he's the type that is not easy to settle down)..

After all that I've been through these past few months.. no one can really know whether things happen for good or for bad.. Sometimes it's just vain to look for temporary happyness (spelt it like Chris Gardner).

I remember there was this day after watching movie and while waiting for Salsa Intermediate class to start at night, I went to hang out at Ex Unofficial Boyfriend No2's place.. That day I burrowed under his armpit like how Oreo does to me and he playfully asked my why I behaved like a dog.. 15 minutes later, I left for my salsa class, I saw a girl whom he had turned down.. That night, I felt like I've won some kind of war.. but look at how things turned out. I lost the battle. Alas, vanity of vanity.. all is vanity..

UNESCO World Heritage Sites I've visited

2011-02-17T11:30:00.001+08:00

1. Cambodia

Angkor

2. China

Historic centre of Macao

Imperial Palaces of the Ming and Qing dynasties in Beijing and Shenyang

Imperial tombs of the Ming and Qing Dynasties

Summer Palace

Temple of Heaven

Great Wall

3. Malaysia

Melaka and George Town

4. Thailand

Historic City of Ayutthaya

5. Vietnam

Complex of Hue monuments

Halong Bay

Hoi An Ancient Town

Myson Sanctuary

6. Korea (added 13/08/11)
Changdeokgung palace complex
Jongmyo shrine
Hwaseong fortress

7. Indonesia (added 13/08/11)
Borobudur temple compounds
Prambanan temple compounds

Travel Mania

2011-02-15T17:02:00.002+08:00

During my first 19 years of my life, I was confined to Malaysia grounds. So when at 19 years old my brother took me to Singapore for the first time, I was thrilled!! It felt a bit like katak finally getting out of tempurung. Ever since then, traveling had been my favourite things to do in life. A year later, sadly, when I finally had a chance to go to Melbourne to visit my aunt who was then studying there, I had to forgo the opportunity because my first semester at uni was starting even though I already had the air tickets with me.

Ever since then, I did not miss out on any opportunity to travel. Besides my yearly trip to Singapore, this is what I've done.

2005 - Beijing

2007- (1) Hong Kong, Shenzhen, (2) Chiang Mai, Ayuthaya, Bangkok, Siem Riep, Phnom Penh, Saigon, Nha Trang, Hoi An, Hue, Hanoi. The backpacking trip to Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam didn't go easy. I remember my mum going to Jol's house to coax her to cancel our plan. She even told Jolene that I'm a taufu who can't go through hardships. Of course, I proved her wrong. Guess who didn't vomit while on island hopping trip at Nha Trang? I really missed this trip and wondered how can mat salleh go on backpacking trips for a year, if not more.. I think I can understand why.. the things that you see is really different from what you see doing your deskbound job.. Even though coming back from that trip, I realised how lucky I was to be in Malaysia where standard of living is much better. I loved immersing in the Vietnamese culture, the Vietnamese just love shouting at each other and can be quite dramatic. The Vietnamese are quite petite and they look at Jol as if she's a giant. Of course, over the one month of traveling together and spending day and night with each other can be quite challenging. There were times we could no longer take it and started yelling at each other.

2009 - (1) Macau, Guangzhou, Foshan, Shenzhen, Hong Kong - Some may wonder why do I bother to go to the same place twice. The first time I went to HK, it was with my family following a tour, it was ok, except that going to HK during summer isn't such a great choice. The heat can sometimes kill half the fun. However, this second time round, I went to my friends during colder weather in January. I enjoyed this trip immensely even though there were hiccups along the way. The plus point of going just before CNY is that you do really feel like it's CNY here. (2) Jakarta (3) Krabi - I took the planning of this trip for 13 people entirely by myself. Honestly, after this trip, I have phobia for planning trips. People don't thank you when things are going fine, but the moment there is 1 hiccup, that is the big trouble. I made a big mistake booking a very lousy accommodation. Even though I did necessary research to read the reviews about the particular place I was going to stay, it was just beyond me when it turned out to be so lousy.. It's one of the lousiest place (if not the lousiest) guesthouse I have ever stayed. Even my budget backpacking trip did not come as this bad except for the "penthouse" we stayed at Long John's at Bangkok. This trip is kinda therapeutic.. I especially like the natural hot spring, dipping in those "holes" really took all my stress away (4) Bali -after planning Krabi trip, I didn't really have time to plan with Jolene. Afterall, we are seasoned backpackers. This is yet another grave mistake when we turned up at Kuta 2 days before the new year with no place to stay.. We walked for about 3 hours before we managed to find a place to stay.. Ubud was better, if there is any word I can describe about Ubud, it's "spiritual". I found a lot of peace here in the midst of all the trees..

2010 - (1) Guilin, (2) Dubai, Abu Dhabi - This came as a surprise as just a week before my trip, my bro asked me over the Messenger if I would like to go there to visit him.. I gave him the details, and in less than a week, I flew there with my parents. Over there, there's just a lot of sand, cloudless sky, beautiful buidings and women dressed in burqah.. Everything here is so elaborate including the toilets.

2011- The best is yet to come. If nothing goes wrong, I should have 4 stories to tell..

If you think where has all my money gone, here they are.. But I don't regret them all a single bit.. especially the first backpacking trip even though I was poor and just came out of uni.. I guess for me, nobody could stop me to do the things I really want to. I really really really love to travel, even more than dance.

Dealing with Pain Part 3

2011-01-23T03:50:00.003+08:00

In my previous post, I talked about how I deal with my own emotional pain. In most days, I think I'm doing a bad job at it. My way of dealing with pain involved a lot of manifestation in the physical. I cry. I can't sleep. I throw tantrums. I lose weight.

This time round, I see my pain seeping into my work, where I can see my work performance deteriorate. I'm no longer logical and rational. I become bitchy and irritable about every small little thing. I know there is something wrong with the way I deal with pain.

Worse of all, my pain affects me in a way more unpredictable than PMS. At least, for PMS, you know when it is coming and you get ready for it. But for this particular pain that I am going through, there is no day and no night. There are days when I have some very important things to do, and this thing will cloud my mind mind like a plague. I try to not let this pain disturb my routine, but I have a weak heart. I'm not talking about jantung heart, I'm talking about my kohelia, the core of my being.

But I do know, what I need is a quantum of energy to overcome this pain, this hurt, these memories, this past and to begin all things new. I know I will wake up one day feeling COMPLETELY ok. But as far as NOW, I can't see the light at the end of this very dark tunnel YET.

Looking at all around me, relationship problems are everywhere. Break ups, divorce, people having a mad spouse, not reciprocated love, infidelity.. etc. Let me just quote some examples from a recent conversation I had with my salsa mates (and some other examples as well)

1. Guy and girl used to appear at salsa places together. Guy went to Singapore regularly to see her as she is based there. Guy and girl then arrives separately at salsa, avoiding each other after break up.
2. Guy has a mad spouse, suppose to divorce but because she is mad, they are still legally married. Guy meets girl once every week, hold hands for a while, while shopping for groceries so that she still get the lovey dovey feeling, but don't stay together
3. Guy gave up salsa because new wife is not in the salsa scene. Suddenly, guy is back on the salsa scene again. Guy holds warm up party at his new place, guess he is shifting alone to his new place
4. Guy and girl together for a few years, then girl decides guy is not suitable for her, calls it quits. Guy gets heartbroken. Very common scenario
5. Guy thinks girl is not putting him first in her life. He misses his ex who is now married. He misses the way she put him first in her life, and how she was always happy seeing him.
6. Girl loves guy very much, have sex with his man every saturday night after movie. Went to Bangkok and Hong Kong for holiday together. The sound of their love- making was overheard in Hong Kong due to the hotel room too small. Girl wants to get married but guy evades the question. Girl suddenly did not contact guy for a few weeks. Guy finds it weird, went to her apartment to look for her. He saw her going up to an elder man's car. Guy confronts girl in the carpark. That was the last they saw each other. After a year, girl calls guy up. Told him it was difficult for her, but she had to do it, but still refuse to meet guy. Something zapped the guy, he became crazy and indulged himself in existentialism.
7. Girl gave up medical career in US to settle down in Malaysia because other half is here, but coming back here things changed. The very reason why she came back become invalid, she is finding solace in salsa.
8. Girl likes guy, but girl knows guy is merely looking for sex. Girl got mad after guy spoiled her shirt after an attempt to bed her.
9. Guy calls a doctor friend up every time after he has unprotected sex with his girfriend. Doctor friend is irked getting asked this question cos why can't he use the condom in the first place?
10. Guy drives girl to ROM (Registrar of Marriage). On the way there, guy asks girl, "are you sure you want to do this?" Girl got mad, tore the application away. After few months, repeated the same process, but this time got married for real. Guy not very happy after marriage. Guy's brother blame sister in law for being manipulative and controlling and thinks that all women are out there to hook some guy so that he has no way out.
11. Guy marries girl. Guy is a person high ranking in society, but girl is a gambler and doesn't take care of family. Their product, a son, then thinks that marriage (aka woman) is the source of all problems.
12. Guy thinks girl is her soulmate, do everything together including sex, but girl doesn't want to be anyone's girlfriend. But she became another guy's wife.
13. Guy beats girl up before getting married. When girl pregnant, the beating stops for a while. After giving birth, the beating continues. Girl decides to divorce..

In all above, only 12 is fictional (500 days of summer) and 9 is joke aside. The rest are real life stories that I've observed all around me. Based on the above, relationship problems are way too common. The reason? In my humble opinion, it's because relationships now are sustained by a string and a paper clip. People give up on each other way too easily, and in the age of narcissm, it's their own pleasure and comfort that they seek. When things are no longer comfortable, they choose to give up. Then, why would anyone get married to a guy who can beat her up before getting married? You would have known this guy is trouble.

So looking at myself, I'm just having a common problem that everyone else is having. It's just that I tend to personalise the problem too much. Things have happened and will not change. No explanation needed.

Quoting an article from Internet, "Part of the struggle comes from the fact that there's no time-line for pain." I just need a quantum leap.

Dealing with Pain Part 2

2011-01-20T22:44:00.000+08:00

Someone said, "Pain is weakness leaving the body". If that is true, (Emotional) pain is weakness leaving the soul.

And I've been feeling this pain for as long as I could remember. I live life everyday hoping that time flies faster, because time heals everything. But till today, I hate myself, because the pain stuck with me. There is still weakness within me.

My first encounter with depression was a few years ago. At that time, I was in my final year in university. It was the first time in my life I met with a traumatic accident that left me with a hemorrhage in the eye and begging for my family to give me money to repair the car. It was the first time in my life I felt so alone, and from then on life just seemed meaningless. For months, every evening I sat at the side of the pool (at that time I was staying in apartment) thinking of nothing. That semester, my results suffered so badly. I have never been truly cheerful since then. I lost faith in life, I lost faith in people, to a certain extent, I lost faith in God.

Only a semester later, I felt better and declared myself depression-free. But like I said, I was never truly cheerful since then. It was a seed of depression in me that I know has the potential to blow up again.

It blew up in 2009 so much that I had suicidal thoughts. It blew up in 2010. This time, it felt exceptionally long. The pain felt so long and deep that I want to run away. I can't count the number of times I turned up at work with swollen eyes. There were also days I drowned myself with work. But mostly, I felt the need to run away.. I want to run away to a place that I can begin everything anew, where my memory can return to 0 byte.

But like I've said in my previous post: You are the sole creator of your reality. Right now I just feel so powerless of my reality.

Christmas in the heart

2010-12-19T14:12:00.000+08:00

Christmas used to be one of my favourite festive seasons. I remember as a kid, carollers would come and sing at my house. I would wrap the gifts my aunts have prepared, though knowing that one of the gifts are for me. In my teenage years, I learned the true meaning of Christmas which is the birth of Jesus Christ that ultimately gives me meaning to this life. There was never white Christmas, all the Christmas trees I set up in the house are not real, yet during every Christmas there is this homey and warm feeling all around. One of the most memorable Christmas when when i was 19 years old. Out of school, while waiting for STPM results, I was working at Giant, Kelana Jaya selling duck meat. Christmas songs played over and over as I struggled to make sales, but it was meaningful because every dollar that I was making that day was towards the building fund of the church that I just joined.

Few years later, Christmas eve equated to spending it at the clubs. This year, Christmas paints a brim picture of how my year had been. On the surface, it had been a good year.

1. I worked hard and my bosses rewarded with good increment. Most likely, bonus is gonna be good as well. 2. My brother got married and there's a new addition to my family.
3. I went to Guilin and UAE for holiday
4. My bachata has improved after taking lessons from Haan, Dance Connexions
5. My salsa has moved on to the next level which is Intermediate 1
6. I manage to clear most of my debts
7. I got over something that bugged me so much in 2009
8. The relationship with my colleagues improved

All these, except for 1 thing that make me unhappy. Nevertheless, I am grateful for all of God's blessings

Dealing with pain

2010-09-27T05:21:00.001+08:00

Pain has a way of seeping through your health and emotional health through ways you don't expect. Such as throwing tantrums just when you're feeling ok. Waking up in the middle of the night feeling that I can't overcome it. Feeling the loss of a person I once felt so close with. Unable to cope how the other party can live life so fine without me. But myself so weak and find myself crying through the night. Unable to make sense of the sequence of events that took place.

According to this website, part of the evolution of positive alternative to pain is:
1. we can have faith in divine wisdom and justice - when we seek our inner spiritual self
2. We are the sole creators of our reality, creating our reality through:

Our past choices, thoughts, words and actions.
b. Our present conscious and subconscious beliefs, feelings and needs.
c. The lessons we have chosen to learn at this stage of our evolutionary process.
d. How we subjectively interpret what is happening.

Thus others are simply actors in the scenarios of our life the script of which we have written. We can create a happier reality by:

a. Transforming our conscious and subconscious beliefs.
b. Learning our life lessons.
c. Interpreting events in a different way as opportunities for growth rather than as injustices.

2. Forgiving and forgetting the past.

Relearning faith

2010-09-19T16:23:00.002+08:00

Today I re - learned faith. Faith is not just believing God when all is good and sweet. Faith is choosing to believe him even when circumstances are not favourable. Faith is deciding to follow Him even when the things He had promised had not come to pass. Faith is going through tests in life and deciding to follow Him even when life throws easier alternatives.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to see the things unseen
Show me how to live like You've loved me
Break my heart for what break yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth to eternity

You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with your hand
And lead me to your righteousness
And I look to you
And I wait on you
I sing to you Lord a hymn of love
For your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You never let me go
Through it all

I don't know what to believe anymore but all I've been looking for is here all along

2010-08-26T01:02:00.001+08:00

I wanted to cry so badly. At least when I cry, I relieve myself of all the emotional baggage. When I cry, I find myself searching for my true self. After lying on the bed for some time, tears finally strolled down my cheeks which I rubbed off with my comforter. They were not gushing tears, only a few minutes of slow hot tears. But that was all I needed to come to my true self.

My true self who is angry at God. Angry that when I believed in His promises they did not come to pass. His promises for blessings and happiness. Instead, I found myself in the same vicious cycle that I was in last year. Just angry that life did not turn out at my best interests.

Angry enough to stop believing in love. Disappointed enough thinking that love is for the elusive. Disappointed at myself that I am not the Christian I should be. That I still have very much of my shortcomings and my inability to resist shortfalls. That I begin to think of myself too lowly to deserve any love.

I am trapped in this pursuit of happyness. But at the end of day, I realized all that I have been looking for is here all along. I just need to receive it once again. As I have been told, you can't run away from the truth. Now is time to deal with it.

Random thoughts

2010-08-01T01:57:00.000+08:00

1. I don't think I believe in love anymore, but because God is LOVE.. I will try to believe once again.

2. Oreo's tail has a pulse

3. I kinda like my new hairstyle. I think short hair is not too bad for me.

4. I like being a salsa recruiter. To date I recruited 5 ppl to join salsa.

5. The alchemist say, "If you want something bad enough, the whole will conspire in your favour to obtain it." I want to believe in that but then it doesn't work sometimes, does it really require begging?

How did I get into Salsa

2010-07-06T23:41:00.001+08:00

The salsera gets bored of the question, "How did you get into salsa?" It's a conversation that goes on behind the wheels when the salsero is fetching the salsera. Sometimes a salsera gets this question repeatedly by the same salsero. In the salsera's mind, she was thinking, "How many versions of the truth do you want me to tell you?" In the end, she came up with a standard answer for this standard question.

One day in 2007, Amy Wong, Jolene and I decided to drop by Qba at Westin Hotel where salsa music was playing. I was intriqued by the dance and the music, it made me feel like I was in another world so I became enlightened to learn salsa. When I typed "salsa" on Google, Havana Estudio at TTDI popped up. Then I recalled that I had a friend who told me there's this famous studio at TTDI. Immediately, I jumped into conclusion that this was the one I was looking for. Indeed, that was the right one I was looking for.

Only a few months later, I set my foot on the steps leading to Havana Estudio. But then, I didn't actually gather enough courage to go up. I backed out. I figured that I had to find a guy friend who could learn with me. It was my perception then that every girl needs a partner to dance with.

So in June 2009, after 2 years, I finally set my foot on Havana Estudio ground with Selvan. After 4 beginner lessons, my classmates and I decided to hit the clubs. It started with Little Havana, then Salsa Havana. When these 2 eventually closed down, we went to Paradize and Modesto's @ Capsquare. And the friends who came with me, the number became lesser and lesser. Of course, by the time I finished Beginner 1, I took up Bachata too. It was rather tiring attending 2 lessons on a Saturday evening, so soon my attendance at the clubs dropped (coupled by other reasons).

However, by the time I finished Improver 2, I know I had to make a decision. If I wanted to go on to Intermediate, I had to practise. Then I recalled that there was this guy named Jim from my bachata class who told me about practices on Wednesday. I didn't really know him, but I took up my phone and SMSed him. I abandoned my other commitment, and I chose to commit myself into the practice. I guess it worked. What Jim calls me, the ~~practice object~~ partner.

The best thing I heard this week

2010-07-03T15:39:00.003+08:00

The best thing I heard the whole week was to have Sam and Aisha, my salsa instructors to tell me:

"You've improved so much,"

"It's so easy to lead you now,"
"You're no longer nervous but now have the skills of fake it till you make it,"

"Consistency pays."

To me, their compliments are precious because it's rare, their standards are absolutely high so they really mean it and it's not for pulling my legs. If you are no good, Sam is not relentless to pass his sarcastic comments. Of course, they don't know the story behind: the diligent practices with Jim every Wednesdays.

I remember asking Jim, "what do I get from these practices?" Jim replied by saying that we will both improve in it. At that time, I felt all the practices were a little too drilling for me. I make time for something, it also means I have to give up other things till I got a little frustrated.

But now I realize I can't afford to lose the practices especially when they are key to improving my moves. With Jim away to conquer the seas, I will be missing a few practices again. A whole month in fact!!! I need to find an alternative.

Weird dream

2010-06-23T23:05:00.003+08:00

I had a weird dream about someone I had not met for 3 years. Joseph. Yes Dr Joe. In my dream, he was back in KL and I was supposed to send him off to the airport. At this airport that looked like a bus station, he had to buy his air ticket (makes no sense, who buy tickets 2 hours before they fly?). He was hungry and was queuing up to buy food. After that, we rushed to buy ticket but this airport suddenly it turned into a traditional church where we had to sing hymns from the hymn book.

Pretty meaningless dream, but at least it takes my mind away from the missing J in my life now. Weird, "J" is also missing from my car plate.

I have been driven out of my own house

2010-05-26T07:01:00.003+08:00

I know all the well meaning people who told me:

1. Sleep early so that I can have enough sleep
2. Since you are awake at 6am in the morning, why not you pray?

But you see, 6am has been traditionally my sleeping time since my uni days. Why am I awakened at 6am against my will? Why is the damn thing across the street, barely 100m away from my house, blasting loud at 6am in the morning?

Enough is enough!!! It's been a year since I suffer due to the stupidity of certain sects of society. I am really tired of having to go through this every morning. I thought about moving out from my house just to escape this nonsense. But where can I run away from my own house? I am not having problems with my family... the distance from my house to my office is just right.... I don't need to pay rent staying in this house... any I have my mum to cook me dinner... but I have to run away from my house because I can't get enough sleep EVERY NIGHT and is starting to show to show health and mental problems a.k.a. migraine cum irritability.

“

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

”

—United States Declaration of Independence, 1776

More than 200 years ago, the US acknowledged that every man is created equal. How can I pursue happiness when I don't even have the right to sleep soundly at night. Somehow, over here, such fundamentals do not exist.

My 50 things to do in life

2009-08-31T16:48:00.003+08:00

I stumbled upon a website which suggests 50 things you should do in your lifetime. Here's some of it:

1. Watch sunset or sunrise - Had a blast at Broga Hill and eat Kajang satay but did not watch sunrise.
2. Pass on a nugget of knowledge - Teaching Jolene F6 Maths.
4. Scuba-dive - Are you kidding me? I wanna go diving for real!!!
5. Grow something - I grew taugeh before. Apart from that, all plants die in my care.
6. Become a parent- Yes by faith!
7. Ride a rollercoaster - Done it so many times - Sunway Lagoon, Genting Corkskrew, Ocean Park "mo tin loon"
9. Visit Paris - Some day...
11. Tell someone you love them - I told Oreo that I love him, is that counted?
13. Read a classic novel - Alright I have done this quite ok
15. Go to the theatre - I will go with someone special
16. Learn to swim - I taught someone to swim in fact, though I'm a cacat swimmer
19. Have a favourite joke - New one will be Wonderwoman, Superman & Invincible man joke
20. Go to a concert - Been to a magic show. Is that considered?
22. Treat yourself to a health spa - Yes, Bali was sweet
24. Be creative - this isn't too hard. Can try asking Jolene what I did for her one Christmas.
25. Take a hot-air balloon ride - One day
27. Climb a mountain - I'm supposedly going to do that at Mount KK but I don't know if it's still gonna happen.
29. Christmas in New York - This is a good one
31. Go to a sporting event - Been to Bukit Jalil for Commonwealth Games
32. Take a walk in the rain - Ah sweet..
33. Surprise someone - honestly I haven't been doing this for a long time. Plan to do something later part of this year. But I don't know if that's still gonna happen.
35. Sleep under the stars - That's so romantic!
36. Visit the pyramids - I have been to the Angkor Wat, another Wonder of the world consider rite?
38. Learn something new - Been at salsa & bachata lately. Loving it more day by day.
41. Sample foreign food - That's the beauty of backpacking. You get to do that all the time.
42. Go whale watching -I wanna swim around sharks
43. Cook something - I just did today with the Taiwan sausages. But honestly, I will do that for the person I love. And he must appreciate it though it sucks.
44. Get tipsy with good company - I can't remember getting tipsy lately
48. Serenade someone - I rather someone serenade me
49. Visit a museum - Macau Maritime Museum, Macau Museum, Cambodia Museum, Tuol Sleng Genocide Museum, Sun Yat Sen Memorial Museum - somehow I haven't visit Museum Negara

"I'm a lonely ghost of a man"

2009-08-19T19:42:00.011+08:00

By any luck, I stumbled upon the abridged version of Christmas Carol with my student some time this year. As I flipped the pages, I thought to myself what a great Charles Dicken's book this was.

Ebenezer Scrooge was a cold hard man. He lived alone and he didn't treat well the only people whom he knew, his nephew and co-worker Bob. The only thing he chased was money. But on Christmas eve, all these were going to change forever. It took dead Marley to tell Scrooge of the heavy chains which could only be loosened by love and generosity. And the ghosts of Past, Present and Future to remind him of the sad childhood he had, a sad life he was going to have if he wasn't going to change.

Ghost of Girlfriends Past is an adaptation of Chrismas Carol with the addition of romantic elements. A casonova, Connor Mead, hitting on women as though they were commodity, and leaving them alone the next morning.

I cried at the scene where Jenny woke up alone without Connor snuggling her the next morning. Jenny cried because she had sincerely believed that Connor would change for her. But he didn't. And Connor left not because he didn't love her, but because he knew he has fallen for her and was afraid that things would not work out. He simply didn't believe in love.

"If there is one thing you learn tonight, it's this. The power in a relationship lies with whoever cares less."

Another touching scene was the one at the Jenny's church wedding. It was heartbreaking for Connor to watch Jenny marrying another man. As he walked down the aisle he saw Paul, his brother without his wedding ring. It dawned upon him that he was the one who broke his marriage up. Connor followed Paul as he walked and aged through the woods. The woods ended at the grave of Connor Mead. As Connor watched his own funeral, he realised his life was empty despite being glamourous.

"Connor Mead was a lot of things to a lot of people, not all of them good things but to me he was a great brother. I guess it's just me against the world now."

I paused for a minute to think of the chains I carry. I truly think that the world is crowded with the wrong values. Love and loyalty have been shallowed down. People call it quits when things are not working well. People don't try hard enough to make relationships work. People don't work hard enough to woo the one they love. And it is certainly not true that what you can't get will be the most precious. The word "love" sends chills to the spine that people don't even have guts to utter it.

"Life, you know, it's like a quick cup of coffee, if you haven't got the guts to love someone, love them with all you've got, then you end up drinking alone."

2009-08-10T06:29:00.003+08:00

It's 6.30 in the morning. I should still be on the bed but Oreo woke me up with his panting. And the room had been really hot with the air cond malfunctioning. My eyes are still heavy. They are dry but I just got them wet again. I made a terrible mistake. When you buy a pen for instance, your only hope for the pen is to keep writing and be consistent. I don't expect the pen to give me surprises by writing in different colours. I just want it to perform the way I wanted it to.

I made a terrible mistake. I wish I could reverse on it. But I know deep inside I couldn't. Sarah taught about the happiness trap. Yes I fell into that trap. But it wasn't for money. I know money can't make me happy. I hate being alone. For that matter, I hate walking into church 52 times a year alone. There are so many things I hate doing alone. Such as when my car got hit I fixed the whole thing alone. Nobody gave a shoulder to lean on.

Friends could only listen but what I really wanted was a shoulder. And I wanted the shoulder so badly. Then I find myself in that vicious cycle. It was sunny today. But the other day was cloudy. It didn't matter. I'm still gloomy every other day.

The good thing about having a busy job is you really have no time to think about a lot of things. But in between finishing my testing and visiting the other lab, I know misery is there. And it caught me off-caught at times. The other day I was looking for some samples in the solvent room. I felt suddenly that I wanted to end everything by consuming any of the chemical. It would end very quickly but no, I shrug myself to reality.

All I want is the pen to behave consistently. I didn't know the pen will say, "no, I won't write for you on alternate days, on weekends too." And for the coming week, the pen to say to me, "sorry I don't know when I will work." The thing is, I want the pen to work very well.

Alas vanity is vanity. All is vanity.

Paradiso

2009-08-09T09:35:00.003+08:00

Oreo woke me up with his panting. He's ready to play to with my bolster but wait, I'm not ready to wake up! I slept at 2am in the morning after paradiso bachata night. My salsa classmates weren't there. But thankfully, a bachata classmate came and danced with me. And Siew Lee was there to accompany me. The dance floor was exceptionally big and overwhelming and dancing with so many experts is a reminder how much I need to improve myself. There weren't a lot of ppl. Maybe I should have gone to Salsa Havana.

2009-08-03T22:27:00.004+08:00

There were some things I took for granted. Such as the liberty of having my own room. Talking to myself. The comfort of Internet. Paying my bills online. Finding out how much I still owe PTPTN. Checking my friends' blogs. Facebooking. Checking and replying my emails. Youtubing salsa n bachata videos. MSN. Getting in touch with the latest news. Going to work every day knowing that I will have a carpark. Having breakfast and bitching about Mr Cock with Mr Dot at the coffeeshop down the road. Not having to walk under the sun and wear those big Ronald McDonalds boots. Not those safety glasses that make me feel sleepy.

Gosh I am beginning to miss all these. Why do human beings begin to realise how certain things/ people are important only when they lost it? When will we stop taking things for granted?

The endless assuring hugs. The couch so perfect for making out. The nose once thought was pretty. The lips so kissable. Somehow it has turned to endless grumbles. Pain in the ear. Embarrassment. A burden. A taboo to be avoided. Something/ someone you can't acknowledge in the public. Feeling annoyed just because someone cares too much to worry about you. And then you tell her she made herself look stupid.

2009-08-02T04:28:00.005+08:00

There were some things that happened in the past that I wish I could wipe out from my memory. Memories I wish could be eternally deleted by a click of my the mouse, but unfortunately, as much as I desire, human beings are not wired in such a way.

It could all be summed up in my 3 previous posts: here, here and here

It used to hurt me really much until the point the I decided to forget it. I avoided it like a plague. I didn't cry. I stopped asking why. I pretended it never happened. I thought I got over it.

But I didn't.

It is the fear of being betrayed. The fear of being abandoned. The fear of being unloved.

Lately, my friend led me to read something about He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. It was a poem he wrote for his ex gf (I think so!) before we even met. He wasn't aloof, he was idealistic, loving and passionate. All the more, I couldn't understand why it all happened.

I don't ask to turn back time. I believe it was for a good reason that it all happened. Thinking about it, the damage was not all that bad. At least not physically. I had exagerated it.

Fast forwarding to the present, I do not regret what began as Comedy Night. I can feel the doubts already that maybe it shouldn't have been. I hate the aloofness, though it was not always.

Disclaimer: Written at 5am - packed with emotionalism!

Random Musings

2009-06-08T21:13:00.004+08:00

Last night a friend of mine told me I am prone to attracting rich/ good looking guys (maybe that's my talent), but somehow, never end up with them after a few strides.

Few years back, I met a guy who owned a Chevrolet and a curry factory. He was crazy about me, brought me to Lunar Bar and took me to Poppy's. He bought me expensive deep water pearls (sadly I wasn't a fan of pearls), I was genuinely touched by his sincerity but not wanting to lead him further, I told him that it wasn't going to work. I wished him all the best and now - he's deeply in love with his girlfriend. What I did to him was cruel, but I am sure he wouldn't trade anything for his current happiness.

Surely, the prospect of getting married to a rich guy was so tempting. But at that time, I was idealistic, I believed in Chemistry. I believe in a guy who will sweep me off my feet. I needed sparks. Who cares about money?

Some time later, again at Poppy's (lao di fang), a guy came to tumpang my table while my friends were busy dancing. We started hanging out at my favourite place, the Curve, we drank Starbucks, we watched Platinum class movies together, he brought me to Alexis, we celebrated Valentine's Day together. And then he told me, he was up to something big. For the few weeks that followed, I saw him on the CLEO magazine. He rose to his little stardom, became one of CLEO's 50 bachelors. And then I did not hear from him ever again.

And I don't understand why this Bachelor guy literally disappeared from my world, until a week ago, I met him at my dance studio party. I hadn't expected to see him there but he was there, alive and ready to rock the dance floor. I still couldn't understand.

Few days later at Little Havana, I met an old friend who had been in the same high school. Coincidentally, she was Bachelor guy's Tango partner. She asked me, "are you one of the girls he picked up?" So it was then I realised I had been "picked up". I just wanted an honest sincere friendship and not treated like the clothes that you can try out at the departmental store. It bruised my ego.

....(edited)...(and still needs some editting)...

All of a sudden, Jane Austen's Mansfield Park reminded me,

"Loving, guiding, protecting her, as he had always been doing ever since her being ten years old, her mind in so great a degree formed by his care, and her comfort depended on his kindness, an object so close and peculiar interest, dearer by his own importance with her than any one else at Mansfield what was there now to add, but he should learn to prefer soft light eyes to sparkling dark ones?"

In modern terms, what a girl wants, what a girl needs, is to be shown affection.

2009-03-20T09:23:00.003+08:00

Apart from my bed, my car is the one property that is precious to me. I remember my sweat and tears when I paid for the downpayment for my car. Not only that, I have to fork out RM500 every month as an installment. My car has brought me to many places I have never driven to and yea, despite not liking to drive, I appreciate what my car has done for me.

This morning, I woke up in the middle of the night, thinking of the 3 visible lines that someone had obviously used a sharp object, a blade maybe, to scratch my car. I am saddened that most likely it is done by my co - workers, maybe for revenge, maybe they are not happy that they got a pay cut, but for whatever reason or motive, it's a very childish act.

I related the incident to Mr Dot, and while inspecting my car, Mr Cock came and asked what happened. After talking to him, we decided that it was some sort of sabotage by a certain party. To my relief, Mr Cock even offer to pay part of the repair for my car. Maybe Mr Cock is not as bad as I perceive him to be. 2 brownie points for Mr Cock.

As for my beloved car, it will keep running.

Boss from hell

2009-03-07T10:14:00.004+08:00

As a sequel to my last post, things have took a worse turn, in which I have no choice except to do what is necessary for my own future. Now, Mr Cock doesn't even have the courtesy to tell me what he wants to do and bypass me to go straight to the staff, which means 2 things. Firstly, he is afraid that I would oppose him. Of course I would given the unfair treatment where everything was for his own benefit and to oppress other people. Secondly, that just proves enough that he has no respect for me, in fact anyone as he looks too highly upon himself. Just the day before, he blamed me because one of the staff had measured the thickness of the cigarette paper wrongly. He said, "how you all do things?" I was fuming mad because he was now not using his brains before he talks. I wish he could bring his brains out.

One year ago, I just thought Mr Cock was just a person with bad PR skills. I did not blame him when he could not talk to people properly. But as it turns out, he is the worst of the lot. If it was just a matter of personality, I would have been more empathic but now it's an issue of character. He has no compassion for people, he oppresses people for his benefit and and makes use of people and gets rid of them when they are no longer useful to them.

1. The benefits here are like shit. If we are sick, no matter how sick, we need to drive to the office, fill in the form and get approval from him. We have to look sick enough because he would not accept reasons like backache, no matter how painful. Then we can only go to ONE clinic in the world because that's the only panel clinic we have got.

2. He is very calculative with us with things like time out, punctuality and even sugar, coffee, milk and tea. The hand wash liquid here is diluted 10X that 10X washing could not clean my hands.

3. Company lunch here is KFC. So much appreciation for the staff?

4. Everyone, Mr Dot and all the office staff has been telling me that one day Mr Cock would terima his balasan.

5. A courier service lady came to discuss issues with Mr Cock about consignment and at the end of the meeting, she came out and remarked that if she is to see him on the road, she will langgar him until mati.

6. Mr Dot told me that if he is to see Mr Cock begging on the road, he would not help him.

7. Mr XXX, the external auditor is a man of principles. He would not even talk to Mr Cock a word other than about audit knowing that he is such a shrewd man.

8. One day, Mr Cock met with an accident and his car was damaged badly. Instead of being sympathetic, the staff laughed at him. At that time, I could not understand but now I do.

As for me, why am I working for a shrewd man? It's time to ponder and think.

Your results are excellent, you are a brilliant person, what are you doing here?

2009-03-01T18:36:00.004+08:00

The developments of late have caused me to be very frustrated, it certainly wasn't the way I thought it would be. One would expect a climb on the career ladder, I had no idea how the ladder could fall on me. I was hit enough by the pay cut in Jan, and despite that I went ahead with my long awaited trip to Hong Kong, Macau, Guangzhou, Foshan and Shenzhen. Throughout the trip I hardly heard terms like retrenchment, bankruptcy; what I saw was people living their lives as much as possible like the economic meltdown, financial crisis, whatever you call it, never hit us.

Shortly after CNY break finished, I received a fax informing me about training at LGM, what I have been waiting for for the past 1 year of working in Mech Chem. The road to LGM was tough, I woke up early every morning to brave the traffic to Jln Ampang. Finally, at the end of the one and a half weeks, I returned work with a renewed zeal.

The news came 2 days later that my dear boss decided to cut our working hours (and pay). The illogical thing was then he cut 1.5 hours from Mon to Thurs, and as for Friday, it would be a half day. From his point of view, samples still came by on Friday, but in my humble opinion, why put through all the employees the trouble of waking up and dragging ourselves off the bed on a Friday when he could make it 4 full working days and then Fridays are off? We still need to pay for petrol to come to work as per normal and yet our pay is being cut 20% (or more). The worse part was that he didn't even have the courtesy to tell me the news when I, the Lab Manager has the every right to know. Nevertheless, I confronted him and reasoned with him that this is not workable. I told him that despite the samples being less, I still have the same amount of work to do, if not more. There wasn't a conclusion that day, but at least I gave him my point of view.

This was not spoken about for the next 1 week as audit approached and I continued the days with increased frustration. Every morning, I would tell myself not to be frustrated, but at the end of each day, my emotions have overwhelmed me. The hours of tuition helped me to make up for my financial losses, but the reality of having to spend so much time teaching and preparing tuition worked me out. Worse, these tuitions didn't help me to elevate my quality of life. I still ate biscuits for lunch.

As sick as I am with the whole thing, I realise that all these could be a blessing in disguise, though it was a wrong decision made in the beginning. I believed my boss for all the promises he made, little did I know some of it were lies, and it made all the difference. Initially I wanted to stay here for 2 years, but the situation now has certainly speed up the process of me leaving this hell place.

Mr XXX, the external auditor, was looking through my training records before he remarked, "you have very good results, you are brilliant, what are you doing here?" I am very grateful by the kind words Mr XXX uttered to me. Over the past one year, I have not heard of my boss praising me or thanking me for my hard work. Every time he dropped by my room, it was to give me more work, if not to complain about something. He did not outrightly scold me, but nothing was simply good enough for him. It made me feel that I am not good enough, but in reality, the order for SRM has improved a lot since I came. I believed part of the reason was for the quality control that I did for all the rubber, which my boss will never know and will not bother to acknowlege.

I have great future ahead of me. This experience have certainly taught me great lessons in life, and I am grateful that I got them when I am 24 and not when I am 42. As for my boss, I finally came to understand how some people can be so hated as a famous cliche says, respect is earned.

Oreo & Me

2009-01-08T10:45:00.003+08:00

Sometimes amazing gifts come in small packages, and sometimes they come wrapped in soft white and brown fur. So it was with Oreo.

He came to me when I least expected it - I was just 17, still in high school and excited about life. I have just embraced a new found love for little puppies because for the past 17 years of my life, I was afraid of dogs, just as my parents had warned me that they would chase and bite me. It came daunting enough that I was bitten a big stray dog, one that I tried to help in its depression and nurse back to cheerfulness.

But on that afternoon, a friend came to me and passed me a brown box, big enough to carry in my arms, but I was disinterested to find out what it was as I had just finished crying over some silly things. Nevertheless, I opened up the box and found a little shih tzu, slightly bigger than a guinea pig, looking at me. My eyes brightened up, and I let it run loose in my house.

Even then, Oreo, which had not been named at that time, ran about and played with me as though we had been friends for long time. Eventually, my little canine friend was named Oreo, and not Oldie, because it had white fur and dark brown fur and also, because Oldie sounded like Old Farts.

He hit his head on the couch countless times, and from then on, I questioned his IQ. How much did his little brain hold? When he lied down to rest, he looked like a pretty fur carpet. I was careful that I would not step on him. As days went by, Oreo proved that he failed obedience school like Marley did. All the corners of my house were tainted with his pee and how much joy did he had humping my soft toys.

My house was now almost a zoo. With fish, 3 tortoises, 13 hamsters and a dog, my parents complained of bad smell and bad hygiene. While others were busy studying, I was busy bathing my hamsters, bringing them to the vet when they were sick and dogsitting Oreo. It broke my heart when my little hamsters died. I watched them play the wheels, eat the corns and cabbages and some died of brutal deaths. One was bitten by a sibling, another suffocated herself, and my favourite, Tammy was accidentally squashed to death by my mum when he ran away. Oreo had a huge curiosity bite, played with my hamsters like they were some aliens.

Nonetheless, Oreo was with my faithfully through the years, through the weekends. Though he is now almost 8 years old, lost some of the vigor he used to have, he scores 100% on the loyalty scale. He waits for me at the door forlornly, and jumps at me the moment I get back. Just like humans, Oreo has his temperaments. He knew that when I changed my clothes, I would go out and hence he would ignore me until I came back. He is painfully afraid of thunders and rollercoaster rides. Once, I found him hiding at a corner somewhere due to the sounds of thunder. Oreo, like the male species, have a problem with odour. Despite stinking badly, I allow him to sleep on the bed with me and play with my bolster. I feel uneasy without the Oreo smell on my bed.

My parents told me that this ain't a dog who takes care of your house but that's ok. Some dogs are put on this Earth just to love you.

What Christmas meant to me & what the new year brings to me

2009-01-03T23:00:00.005+08:00

If there was any Christmas I hated, it was 2008. Not that something traggic happened, but it was the nothingness, the hopelessness over all that happened in that year. Anyway with that horrible year gone, I can hope again. I can love again. I can try again. And I shouldn't give up. The new year speaks of renewed strength and determination. If there was anything I didn't do well, a brand new chance is here again.

2008 wasn't all that bad. I started my new job at Mech Chem, had 2 increments and 1 promotion. Doors of opportunity opened for tuition jobs. I dated one of the most eligible bachelors for Valentine's Day, but perhaps due to religious differences, the little sparks we had died off. I shouldn't indulge in something with no future. I read 4 books, improved from NIL the last year. I spent plenty of hours with Oreo. Later part of the year, an infatuation with someone possibly could have killed me. But I survived it. In terms of finances, I morphed from waiting for payday every month to being able to go to HK for 10 days.

Yea so that is about it. Apart from that I worked and worked. I saw Kok PW's face more than most ppl. And that can be a real nightmare. And that will all change soon.

I rescued a dog

2008-12-22T15:11:00.006+08:00

I am so proud of myself. I just helped a lost dog, an old one to be exact, to find it's owner. Upon reaching my I gate after meeting my aunt, I saw a little shih tzu that I could have easily run over. After getting out of my car, I tried to get the dog to drink water cos it looked restless and dirty. Her body was also covered with black spots. Later I realised, it were those spots when a dog gets old.

Someone must have abandoned it, or maybe the dog lost it's way, but she had no leash on her. I manage to coax her to come into my house, but not after half an hour. Seems like this doggy is cautious about making new friends too. Then I realised that my mum was going to kill me if I took her in. I rationalised that if the owner was to look for the dog, he would go to the guardhouse at Bayu. If not, there would always be other options. The little dog followed me to the guardhouse, and how horrified she looked when a large Indian security guard lifted her up. She looked at me as though I could rescue her, but they were good people. I felt skeptical when I walked back, but when I went past the guardhouse the next day, the guard told me the owners were frantically looking for her. So, I did the right thing.

Sometimes I do think of myself as being more compassionate to animals than to humans. I was once bitten by a dog which I tried to help and the scar that it evidently left behind on my hand constantly reminds me. Nevertheless, it never stopped me from loving my furry friends.

The tongue

2008-10-29T13:02:00.004+08:00

Letchumi and Yoges (not their real names) must be sneezing all the way in the morning yesterday. Nope they were not in the office, they were either at home or performing some rituals at the temple due to deepavali. Yet the moment I walked into the recording section, Ms Saw (not real name) was bombarding me with all sorts of misdeeds Letchumi did. Letchumi sent wrong parcels to Singapore. Letchumi could not look at people when people were talking to her. Letchumi starts packing at 4.30pm everyday, oblivious of the work that needs doing. Letchumi did this, Letchumi did that.

Before I could escape the room, Fatimah (not her real name), who had been having rows with Yoges for over 10 years, started feeding me with Yoges' misdeeds, how she bergayut on the phone. How her phone calls are due to her ineffectiveness in handling her work. How her clients from the same company are calling her 10 times a day asking for the same thing, and hence, making her look busy when she really isn't. Just then, the phone rang. It was for Yoges but since she was not around, I had to deputise her work and that would include picking up her calls. It was the 5th call of the day and it was only 11am. I was growing weary and tired of making up for her ineffective work. I was frustrated with the both of them in my heart. I was on the verge of diving in the conversation.

Ms Saw couldn't agree more and threw a few more arrows at Yoges. I could no longer keep quiet. The more I kept quiet, the more I would be regarded as sitting on the fence. The fence is the most dangerous place to stand. But I wasn't in the same position as them. If I was to say something, it better be for the betterment of the company. Afterall, I am the so called manager and I am responsible for my subordinate's behaviors. I nodded a number of times, and then suggested ways how we could improve our work. But they were just not ready to give up. They went on and on.

After getting my business done there, I escaped to the sanctity of my room. Backstabbing, gossip, bad-mouthing...I suddenly remembered what the Bible said about it. The tongue is the most dangerous organ in the body. If we do not control it, it will control us. I am glad I fled.

2008-09-30T00:01:00.003+08:00

What am I doing at 12am in the morning? I just have too many thoughts.

1. I am still thinking about Chow Chow and MC. If the story is true, I really admire Chow Chow and MC for sharing their life to the point of death. Unfortunately it only happens in dramas cos in real life...

2... people might not even want to listen when you want to share your heart out cos ppl simply don't care such that I have shed a few tears or two that....

3... I can't wait to pack my bags and leave for Abu Dhabi. LK officially invited me today. I want to bathe in the mud of Dead Sea and if I am constantly unhappy, I rather be unhappily rich than be unhappily poor for...

4... at least when I am unhappily rich, I can indulge in shopping therapy that always make me feel better. I don't have to decide whether I want a High Sierra backpack or a Samsonite luggage cos I can have both which reminds me...

5... that there are better times ahead; such as my much awaited Hong Kong trip in Jan and Bali trip in Jul and probably a Dubai and Abu Dhabi trip in Dec, which by then, I hope I can secure a job in some cari gali petroliam company which makes me bucket- loads- of- money rich...

6... which comes with a price, which is to be tanned till I get that hitam manis look which LK said I can bathe in a bathtub of SKII to make my skin fair again...

7...so rich that I can bring Mum and Dad to migrate there (if they do not mind the culture differences). I want to sponsor my girlfriends to come here every year. When SL is so sick of her patients she can come and recuperate and when Jol is tired with her job, she can come here to rejuvenate with shopping therapy...

8... But that makes me think, how about my dear Oreo? My church and the vision? My past and everyone and everything I've ever loved?

9... Maybe then I need Ps Mike to minister to me. Cos I feel cheated and so disappointed with someone whom I thought cared but turns out to be just any Tom, Dick and Harry. But I suppose when someone can conveniently forget me when my heart cries out to them, why should I remember?

10. But this time I promise not to fall and drink my sorrows away cos I know that this is not permanent cos Jesus cares for every tear I have shed. There will be a rainbow tomorrow. There will be a smile.

Show me how to love like You have loved me

2008-09-22T23:50:00.008+08:00

What am I doing 5am in the morning? Having slept so late I can't sleep still? What am I gonna tomorrow? I am gonna be a zombie but boss won't take that as a reason. At 5am in the morning I wish to disappear into the thin air and never to return again. I am not as strong as I preach to be. But I am learning. Maybe that is the way God chastises His little preacher in S8 - whatever I've preached I've to learn and live twice as much. Maybe it's the last point - patience and prayer. Whatever that is I am discouraged. But quoting myself, I can't stay in that disappointment too long. "When you are going through hell, don't stop." I'm not sure how that is suppose to work but I guess a strong person is a person who can encourage himself/herself.

So I am feeling sick at heart and what is the reason? The thing is I don't even know what exactly is that. I feel guilty for feeling but the day I cease to feel is the day I cease to be a human. I am not that mood cloud walking around - that's good enough right?

Again, I've said nobody wants to be a Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30. Nobody wants to turn old overnight. But for a little moment I wish I have come to the end of my life - where God praises me to be a good and faihtful person.

I've almost always followed rules. When it is time to sit I sit. When it's time to stand I stand. I follow by the book. I almost cried when others cried. I am that mechanical.

But I think I know. I am disgusted with myself. I long for someone to surprise me on my birthday. But this year a SMS surprised me. I was supposed to pay for my birthday dinner. So on my birthday morning I cried on Jol's bed. The night before the were no surprises. Only bacardi to drown my sorrows away. There were only Jol and I. As always.

When I wake up at 7am I expect no one to comfort me. Only a panda on the mirror to greet me. I long to love and be loved in return. Maybe God has destined the one to be Oreo. Is that all? Ok I am supposed to encourage myself. A song repeatedly minister to me. It's called "Hosanna" and I particularly like the bridge. Here it goes:

Heal my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like You have loved me

Break my heart for what break Yours

Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause

As I walk from earth into eternity

Ps 51:16-17

For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it:

You do not delight in burnt offering.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, A broken and a contrite heart -

These O God, You will not despise.

Disclaimer: The author can't think right at 5am in the morning. Please forgive for the outburst of emotions. She is doing abosolutely ok now.

Home is where my family and Oreo are

2008-09-09T13:13:00.004+08:00

I have no appetite since this morning. I ate a piece of kuih lapis which TK bought from Jakarta, and then I couldn't take any more in. Now I force myself with an orange. I really need the sugar and fiber. Ok maybe I am amplifying my emotions. The drama queen is back so what is the reason?

Maybe to the fact that my friends are away from me in far far away lands. More than 10 coursemates of mine are in Singapore. Not that I really care, but one of the dearest I had is there. Friendships are never the same again. I can't get through the names enough. In a nutshell, my friends are spread all over the world. Steph and Jinny in UK, bro is going to Dubai to work, Jolene says she wants to go NZ/Aussie... the list goes on and on.

At the end of the day, I still have my family and Oreo with me. That thought is comforting enough. Personally, I have the same thoughts to leave too. But in the end, I did not. I decided that should I leave, it is due to the right motive.

Few years back, I was very against ppl leaving, especially church. I felt that with a vision so good, why would anyone leave? As years went by, I began to see more things and find that people are generally not satisfied. Most will say that Malaysia is going the drains, and there is no fair opportunities for us with this skin colour. Lately I was reading a friend's blog, she spent 5 years in Ireland doing medicine. In the end, Ireland was more like a home to her than Malaysia. She is not a Malaysian to begin with, but I remember her being so passionate and assimilated into the culture. She used talk to every Tom, Dick and Harry but this time when I saw her at the lobby, she looked so asing and uncomfortable.

Ok until here I do not know how to continue. I shall add something later.

The light at the end of the tunnel

2008-09-07T22:48:00.004+08:00

One day, as I bowed worshipping God, He impressed upon my heart that He hates to see me grieve. I think I had been unknowingly grieving for the past 2 years. Grief is a very harsh word but it is not an understatement. So why did I grieve? God wouldn't tell me not to grieve if I wasn't grieving. It began 2 years ago when I had an accident after EMERGE. At the time, I felt so horrible and wondered why such thing happened to me. I had subconjunctiva hemorrhage on my eye. With my eyes dilated, I walked in the Trauma and Kecemasan ward, I couldn't see properly and the nurse scolded me on why I couln't walk on my own. I just felt so alone at that time. I wondered why such a thing happened when I had just finished attending EMERGE and arranging transport for everyone during the wee hours of EMERGE. Of course, it didn't end there. I found someone whom I thought could end my misery. I fell head on and after 2 years, I can hardly rise from my fall. People often thought I tagged behind because of status, but it was never that. This person treats me like a string to pull whenever he likes to. Even after I decided that I should no longer be his string, the hurt felt so deep.

After knowing him, I feel very undeserving. I reasoned that the only reason he treats me like this is because I am not good enough. I lived with this stigma for 2 years. It seemed like 1000 good things ppl say about me will never make up to how he treats me. I want to hide under the pillow, retreat into my cave.

I realise that God does not want me to live in this kind of defeated life. A song says, "show me how to live like you have loved me." It sruck me so hard. Am I living a life that portrays God's love for me? I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

With this I just want to say,

"Worship is not just when God is first but when God is ONLY." As long as I follow Him close, He will reveal the deep things of heaven to me.

KF is...

2008-09-05T22:15:00.007+08:00

1. ... missing Oreo. Haven't seen him in 4 weeks?

2. ... worried about Dad. But trust that God will take care of him.

3. ... grateful for all friends who show concern for dad.

4. ... angry that she got scolded by someone who is convo-ing tomorrow for no apparent reason.

5. ... anticipating MATTA fair.

6. ... looking for inspiration to write.

7. ... amused by Husky, the German Sheperd next door for breaking every pot in the garden.

8. ... grateful that boss speaks so kindly to her.

9. ... elated that the weekend is here.

10. ... love sick. Ok maybe it's just infatuation.

Change is the only constant in life - Part 2

2008-09-02T22:20:00.002+08:00

Exactly 2 years ago, I was very attracted to ppl with good looks, charms and wits. Not that it is wrong, but I often look at their strength, often neglecting their weaknesses. As a result, I turned out to be a very imbalance person. I sought to accept their approval, and would sometimes compromise just to accomodate them. I knew such ppl was not what I needed, yet that was very much I what wanted.

I am thankful to say now that I finally came to my senses. I can't be immoral just because they are. I am not a mold for them, but I am a mold for God. I finally aligned what I need with what I want.

A place of solitude... I can't wait to go into it yet again

2008-09-01T23:41:00.004+08:00

For the past one year, I hardly posted anything. I am not surprised if anyone stopped being a follower of this blog. Life had been mundane, I had been working, and then more work. I contemplated, and had a zillion times of soul searching. I can't comprehend what exactly I need to do. There had been happier times, let's just say. In between the mundaneness I appreciate the night outs with my besties, be it a movie or elbowing at Jol-and- Amy- knows- where. I love Jol even more (I say this cos I know she won't read it). And for Siew Lee, I just want to thank her for all the years of friendship. She trusted in me when I couldn't trust myself. And the things that I desire so much, they are still desires. But I must applaud myself for having overcome many things, such as what started as a crush back in EMERGE 2006.

OK back to the topic, Ps Kong preached a mighty message on Saturday night. This year EMERGE, there were not many sessions with Ps Kong. But it was one that I needed. I have heard for countless times to pray, read the Bible, fast, though the message is about this, so ordinary yet it was delivered in such extraordinary power. I must admit that this is one area that I have neglected.

As I grow older, the less happy I become. Troubles and burdens are ever so real. Fear and disappointment robbed me of my joy. A future and a hope, it's something that I almost stopped believing. Instead, I believe that I am good for nothing. The trauma and stigma that I lived with the past 2 years, I wonder if they would ever heal. When I thought it would heal, the scar opened up a few inches more.

Today, I decided that I must begin once again. And it was so powerful. I felt God reaffirming me with His love. And this journey must go on for a long long time till eternity.

The Matter of the Heart

2008-08-12T12:12:00.003+08:00

I am not really an emo person especially at work. Though sometimes I lose my cool when things are not done properly, I control my emotions so well that when I am up in my room, everything is alright again. I can still do my work, continue my routine.. but today, I just feel powerless and defenseless. I trembled and couldn't focus on doing anything. My heart is divided. How come it feels like I am a puppet being pulled about? Just that I am not quite a puppet.

Dreams.. what do they say about your waking hours?

2008-07-07T22:41:00.005+08:00

I had two very daunting dreams lately on 2 consequtive nights. One was a dream so sweet yet I do not desire it coming to past and it never will, and another a nightmare which haunts me with my greatest fear.

Dream One
Two years after Pre U has ended, in a very unlikely circumstance, I started tutoring him Chemistry like he used to for me. And two years hence, he found me a changed person; a lot more committed with my work than the playful girl I was. At one class, our lips met in a lock and we began once again.

Dream Two
Someone announced that he is getting married. And his wedding will be broadcast live. I declined to attend his church wedding, but somehow, I was stuck with watching his wedding on TV. The broadcaster interviews the happy couple, the proud parents, and I was at home struck with my greatest fear, to watch someone I once loved so dearly marrying someone else.

2 nights, 2 dreams, 2 different person, of revisiting the past and wondering what the future will be.

Vote for No21!

2008-04-04T13:47:00.003+08:00

Ok I have never done this in my life. But here's a promo for hedzri for Cleo's Most Eligible Bachelor competition.

I'll tell you 5 reasons why you should vote for him:

1. He's cuter in person than the photo.
2. He is a real gentleman, unlike those who take advantage of gals.
3. He is always deep in thoughts, not that kind of shallow guy.
4. He's confident and has got many accolades under his belt.
5. All in all, he is absolutely charming and full of charisma.

Ok maybe I share with you his down sides as well, though now already feeling a little distant.

1. He speaks with an accent from dunno where (but that makes him cute).
2. He can be very blur sometimes, a little innocent (but that too makes him cute).
3. He can get a little vain (yeah, but metro guys are the in thing and you won't absolutely mind that a guy dresses up well to meet you right?)

I hope he makes it to be the Bachelor. I think he deserves to win.

So get your cleo mag and vote for bachelor no21!

The door

2008-03-20T22:56:00.004+08:00

As the car door slammed behind her, a tinge of sadness filled the early morning air, but it was not just the air, instead it was the emotional door that John had slammed once and for all all, closing every opportunity of reconciliation. As Sue walked into the house and John's car already out of sight, she reminisced on what went wrong during that night that seemed so surreal with all the smoke and intoxication. She was baffled.

It could be well said that it was a date, perhaps a two - friends - meeting - after - such - a - long - long - time kind of thing, but more accurately, it was a disaster. She remember being picked up at 5, and John had been friendly, but by 11pm, it was a totally different story. The friendliness and warmth has turned into coldness and self - absorption. Had John turned bipolar or whatever that is (the author is not very good with medical cliche)? Had it been Nicholas Smith, George Smith, or even Maddox Smith (all suppotitious, non - existent persons) for that matter, it would have been debatable. But for John Smith, Sue should have expected it.

John Smith, Dr. A man of intelligence. A man that for too much intelligence, he turned arrogant. A man who believes that 25 is the age to bang all the women he could possibly bang. A man who thought he has seen it all, done it all when indeed, it was quite the opposite. A man of folly.

Sue Gordon, only a Miss. An imbecile woman who believed that every human's nature began as good. The more she wanted to put her best, the more it failed; she had it all wrong. It wasn't a show to impress someone. It was about the man she had long sufferingly loved, waited, and devoted much time to prayer. And when at one point when the preacher asked what was the one thing she would ask for, it was about John.

He had it all wrong too; she wanted to become Mrs Smith but it was not in her slightest to become Mrs Dr Smith. He had it wrong. John's silence had broken the feeble heart of Sue's, and he hadn't got any initiative to mend it back. She had loved much, but with all the love she hated even more. The pain that for such a time would not heal, Sue would often find it stitched but for no apparent reason, the wound opened up again. Now the door is shut forever!

The Great Physician

2007-11-11T12:35:00.000+08:00

Since shifting here, I remember having been bored and stressed, but never been sad that I can't bring myself to be here because my thoughts play on me. There were days I was so poor (that I couldn't afford to go out) and frustrated (for not having a job yet) that I just had to stay at home. But these 2 days, I just have to get away. Having the comfort of home means I am allowed to mourn and cry, but I don't allow myself to do that. I do not want to cry over the same thing that I used to cry over. I don't want to have the deja vu again. When someone fools you once, it's his fault. When he fools you a second time, then it is your fault. I know that principle a long time, but yet I still fall into the same hole. I am not very smart isn't it? But it is only at home that I can encounter God once more. Jesus asked Peter, "Who do you say I am?" and Peter had a revelation that day that Jesus is the Son of God. While praying today, I had a revelation of who God is - He is the Great Physician who is capable of healing me, greater than any other physicians in the world. He's the only physician I need.

When things don't seem right

2007-10-22T23:11:00.000+08:00

I have been a movie buff since Form 6. Think Jo passed me the virus. We went after school (and once during school) to watch movies and once bumped into our class teacher, Mrs Ng. She is classic. Oh how much I miss her. Anyway, back to the topic, I love all types of movies, okay, almost all... but the ones I love most are definitely the highly inpirational type. They are stereotypical in terms that in the beginning, the characters struggle hard, but they triumph in the end.

I think I can identify with the characters. So often nothing seems to go right. I try so hard yet nothing improves. Worse, people think I am lazy (that is true to some extent) and I am learning to change. I really am trying. So that is why I always feel better after watching a good movie. I know I can triumph in the end. Circumstances may prolong but ultimately things will turn out for good.

Ratatouille - Remy got my sympathies when he realised how humans disgusted rats. That pitiful look when while overhearing the statements of a woman in the drain. But Remy, being a rat, was able to cook.

Pursuit of Happyness - "If you want it, go get it." Heard that? The inability to get a job as a chemist has really discouraged me that I want to give up all together. People tell me, "Why are you so stubborn? Why can't you settle with your current job?" When you don't like something, you tend to find a lot of reasons to say that it is not good.

It's true. I don't like the fact that it's a 5 and a half day week. I have claustrophobia. I don't like the job scope but ultimately, it is not my dream. I can't see myself doing this for the rest of my life. And being in this job for long will mean that I no longer can be a chemist. I wanna start fresh. It's my passion. You can never go wrong when you are doing something according to your passion.

Being a chemist means that I will have to give up on a lot of things. I give up the opportunity to meet people (I'll be stuck in the lab). I don't have the chance to wear nice clothes (who can see them under the lab coat anyway) and I risk being contaminated with chemicals. So why do I insist being a chemist?

Somehow, I have been so accustomed to scientific terms that they appeal to me. Words like pharmacology, pharmacokinetics seem to be more interesting than ...And time in the lab flies like a wind.

Fight the Giants - A Christian production that talks about the literal Highland Giants and figuratively the giants in our lives. The story line was kind of expected but hey, who doesn't like a football game. The main theme of the movie is nothing is impossible with God. Yes it is all possible.

Why?

2007-09-25T04:43:00.000+08:00

"Why?" is probably the most asked age - old question in the world today. "Why?" had been the main theme in the book of Job, and it is still the question that baffled many until today.

Why am I scientifically wired?

Why can't I just like business instead?

Why did I give up the chance to study pharmacy in Singapore?

Why did give up the IT scholarship when offered?

Why did I earn only half the A's I needed to study medicine?

Why have I become cheap labour?

Convocation 2007

2007-09-10T00:40:00.000+08:00

I am done. I am officially a graduate now. Thanks to all who came to my convocation. And thanks for all the gifts. Really, I was so surprised to receive Me2you bear from my cell group and the South Zone leaders. I wanted it so much and I told Yee Lin the manner of which how I hope it will arrive. Well, even if that didn't happen, I am still happy because Yee Lin has gone all the way to get it for me. Then, the flowers, the bears and the cards.. So sweet.. Last but not least, my family and aunts who have blessed me financially and it such a memorable day.

2007-08-31T07:30:00.000+08:00

It's been one of the most terrible sleep I've had since shifting here. I hardly slept for an hour despite my physical wanting to do so. To my parents, they were surprised to see me rising me so early, as waking up in late morning has almost become synonymous to my name. After signing off my computer at 3am, I tried very hard to put myself to deep sleep, but some words replay again and again in my mind. All the words and the facts, they were as difficult to rid off as they were committed to memory. The scenes of that bitter defeat replay over and over again. It is such torment to watch that mind video again and again. I have yet to pass through that stage of disappointment.

Updated: It was yesterday..but the author moves on!! I can't read to finish reading Mansfield Park by tonight. A book a month. And tomorrow, there will be a very absolutely important report to write.

Pre - Hong Kong trip poem

2007-08-31T02:13:00.001+08:00

Before I left for Hong Kong, I was so excited that a little poem arose in my heart. Enjoy!!! But do not expect much..This is my first..

He appeared a daylight ghost in the late morning blaze

Beneath the innocent glasses stood a man disguised as angel

With faults and lines she couldn't see, or simply chose not to

The two began their little chattery, unknown to what was to become

Nothing too impressive, or so she thought

The night emerged, he came out cold and hungry

He took the sandwich with grateful silence felt with the heart

As unexpected as he appeared, he went away

Out of nowhere he appeared again

Brainy, witty and funny was all it takes to win her

He tossed the ball; the queer of his eyes made her lose her step

Hence the clock ticked and a year passed them by

The hour they cuddled was as fresh as faint memories could allow

The one they had stolen for their own selfish use

If only that hour could hold a life time

His brotherly advice never left the sober her

Perhaps it was never meant to be

Along his passing he took a part of her

But with longing hearts she wishes for his return

Oceans apart her love will never dim

With loving patience she awaits

And let this return be for eternity

Disappointed. Undignified. Stupefied.

2007-08-31T01:25:00.001+08:00

Disappointed.. That's all that I am feeling right now. We lost it so undignified!! For a few moments, the very words that I wrote at the BAT assessment that day, "Never give up," rung in my ears in that reluctant encouragement to myself. I have to practise what I preach. I should not give up, never. But the pain stuck close to my heart. So stupefied because of all the hard work put in, it has all come to nothing, not even a chance to use what I have so painstakingly studied. I told myself again and again that it was the participation and experience that matter most, not winning or losing. But the pain remains. Without talking to anyone and seemingly oblivion to anyone's presence or anything else, I drove home at 130kmh. I can't remember driving at this speed since I shifted here. I couldn't help myself but to allow myself an outburst of tears. It lasted 30 seconds. Hard word does not guarantee winning, we need a little more luck.

Luck.. what exactly is it? I have got no idea. All I know, I've been in my worst for the last 3 years to such an extent I stopped believing in myself. Due to job hunting, I had once again taken out all the certificates I have accumulated over the years. Each of it brings back sweet memories and I thought, 'was it me?' I remember the joyful glee when my name was read out, when I have done one of the best for physics competition. Then at another instance, I was handpicked to represent my school for the chemistry quiz. The word 'distinctions' stands proudly on that certificate. Where is that girl who was once so smart? Has she become stupid? All the 7 semesters have fall short under my expectations. I earned many A's, but all the C's and D's made up the difference. It then makes me an average, a word I am really not accustomed to. Alas, vanity is vanity.

Then, yesterday, I got an unexpected call. Having slept late doing a table for missionaries finals the night before, I was still in deep sleep when I heard the vibration. In my sleepiness I heard that I have passed the BAT assessment. Not only that, I was told that I was the only one who passed in that group of about 15 people, among whom chosen from thousands of people who sent in the resumes weekly. I was elated to the extent that after I broke the news to my parents I could not go back to sleep. Yesterday, I was on top of the hill. Today I am back to the valley. It's a rollercoaster ride.

2007-08-27T22:51:00.000+08:00

Life has been good. Imagine waking up every day at 10 ++ am. Then go for lunch, study for Missionaries finals, and at night time, some time for the TV, some time for Internet and some time for Mansfield Park. Nevertheless, the reality of not earning is more real than ever as my pocket runs dry. My mind is very much intensed to finding a job now, but job hunting really ain't easy. So besides my good life, I had also been going for interviews and assessments. The lure of money is great as I can no longer dread days without Starbucks (not even Winterwarmers), new clothes, skin care, ability to give to missions, my parents and everything that working life has to offer. I've visited my aunt's new house at SS2, it was simply fabulous!! Aunt said we can sit down and drink Kahlua together when she's done moving in! At the mean time, I am starting to get nervous for Thursday's finals.

Like a dog with two tails

2007-08-20T15:38:00.000+08:00

We made it to the finals of "Who Wants to be a Missionary?" Good job to all my team members - XinHui and Mei Yee. It began when I bought the book, "From Jerusalem to Irian Jaya" despite having financial constraints. So I thought, if I have the book I might as well make good use of it. As I spent laborious hours reading the book, I thought to myself that I might as well make notes out of it. As I spent more time on it, I realized I mustn't let my efforts go wasted. So the two hours at CHEC yielded results - we were chosen to represent the LU cluster! Then the next step was the prelim and semifinals. We met at Mid Valley to strategize our team. On the night before, all of us slept late as we searched for more general knowlede. General knowldege was simply... too general. We woke up early the next morning and met at the church lobby. We had a tie with another team. So we met again at night for another round of semifinals. And we made it!!! See, when I stepped out, I didn't know I could get this far.. but it is all so sweet. Whatever the outcome is, I am satisfied that we have made it thus far and knowing that we have done our best. But I must say, the one month travel to the Indochina had been really helpful to my geographical knowledge. If I hadn't read the Insight Guides in the bus while Amy and Jolene were sound sleeping, I probably wouldn't know the the Mekong River originates from China.

From Saigon to Hanoi

2007-08-19T21:46:00.001+08:00

The Nha Trang beach is famous among locals and always packed during evenings. The waves are among the best I've been such that we swam here twice, in addition to our island hopping to Mot Island, Mut Island, Tam and another island.
World Heritage Site of My Son Sanctuary. It's dog's days of summer here.
Champa monuments of Hindu influence
Conical hat making. We couldn't "enjoy" the tour without paying.
The tomb of Minh Mang, the second emperor of the Nguyen Dynasty of Vietnam

Imperial Citadel of Vietnam in central Hue
Temple of Heaven Cave (Halong Bay)
Fisherman village along the Halong Bay
The bananas cost 20000 dong a bunch. Don't play play
Amy Wong Jia Hui's 23rd birthday

Vietnam - Excursions off Ho Chi Minh City

2007-08-19T20:45:00.001+08:00

As cocunuts are readily available along the Mekong Delta, the coconut candies serve as good souvenirs to take back home. Unfortunately for us, some of the candies which we brought all the way from Saigon were stolen. Hope their teeth fall out..
Trying to look like conical - hatted peasants

In front of the Cao Dai Temple at Tay Ninh, a religion sect that combines the teachings of Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, Christianity, Confucianism, Islam and their saints include Dr Sun Yat Sen, Victor Hugo, Joan of Arc, etc.
Jolene with the followers of Cao Dai
Above us is the symbol of Cao Dai. The Great Temple, or better known as the Holy See, is the most colourful religious buliding I've seen.

This is how the Cu Chi tunnel works. Step number 1
Step number 2
Step number 3
Now he's gone!!

One of the traps used by the Viet Chongs who fought the south army during the Vietnam War.

Cambodia Exposed - Phnom Penh

2007-08-16T16:22:00.002+08:00

Weapons of Cruelty
In the Tuol Sleng Museum, we were not supposed to laugh, or smile for that matter. I guess it is respect for the dead
Brick cells for the victims
One of the beds that had been used to interrogate the victims

We took a bus from Siem Reap to Phnom Penh, and with all gratefulness, the road was much better than expected, unlike the one from Poipet to Siem Reap. How unfortunately that it was in Phnom Penh too that Amy lost her handphone and I, some money. It couldn't be sheer coincidence that both of us lost something, but I suspect it was our gullibility of trusting that our belongings were in safe hands and the quick hands of the hotelier's staff. At that moment, it made us very unhappy that we left the very next day. Otherwise, it would have been a very happy trip to Cambodia.

Cambodia Exposed - Angkor Wat

2007-08-16T14:37:00.001+08:00

This is Angkor Wat in the background, the very reason we came to Cambodia, the only motivation that sustained us from turning away at Aranyaprathet - Poipet border, when all we saw was poverty, dirt and Khmer people we are not familiar with.

Among the rocks in the interior of Angkor. It took me a lot of courage to climb up the steep steps leading to above.

The magnificance of Bayon

More of Bayon
I like the face sculpture
Cool!!
Sitting on the roots of the ancient trees. The two guys are our photographers from China.

Amazing Thailand - Part 2

2007-08-06T15:16:00.001+08:00

Ruins at the Ayutthaya temples - it's really steep

The Chiang Mai Night Safari

Sanpatong Waterfall
Twin jumbos

Ruins of the Ayutthaya temples. Ayutthaya was once the capital of Thailand

Amazing Thailand - Part 1

2007-08-06T14:28:00.001+08:00

Thailand is simply amazing and definitely would go there again. This time, we only covered Chiangmai, Ayutthaya and Bangkok. We missed out on Phuket, Ko Phi Phi and some other islands but next time round, I would try to cover the others as well.

Contrary to what people have said, Thailand is not a dangerous place where you can be dropped dead by bombs any time or even if you don't, chances are you will kena kongtau when you look into someone's eyes. Again, the lesson here is not to simply listen to what people say but to find out for yourself.

Thai people are generally friendly and helpful and at times, they are angels to us. They would not hesitate to help us find direction and would even lead us to the place of destination. One thing I noticed is that Thai people love their King a lot, and later I found out the reason, especially when we visited the Royal Palace and Vimanmek Mansion in Bangkok. At one of the Museums, photographs taken by the King Himself were displayed and one couldn't be help to be awed by it. But it was just not the photographs alone that awed us all. King Bumiphol had been monarchy for 60 years and throughout His reign, He continuously took efforts to bring betterment to the Thai nation. His Consort, Queen Sirikit was very well respected too because in the younger days, She would listen to commoners and jot down the necessary notes. She was noted as one who revived the Thai silk industry of Thailand.

Sadly, our photographs at Bangkok are lost. In Bangkok, we went to the famous Catuchak Weekend Market, Central World Plaza and Suan Lam Night Bazaar. We spent one night each at Khao San Road and Sukhumvit Road. The Khao San road is also known as Backpackers' Haven where Mat Salleh hippies can have a drink and chill out at night. Sukhumvit Road is to the Thai what Jalan Sultan Ismail is to us.

Blogging from Vietnam

2007-07-20T17:11:00.001+08:00

This is great! When I came into this room, I fell in love with it immediately. Having travelled 6 hours by bus from Hoi An to Hue, I just want to soak myself in the bathtub and with only 8USD, we have the Internet facility right in our room. My friends and I are fast asleep... and after an hour, I woke up (but they are still sleeping so I take my chance to update myself with the many things I have missed).

Backpacking has been great so far, one of the things I would regret for not doing. We are making a U (for those who are geographically inclined) from Chiangmai - Ayutthaya - Bangkok - Siem (where Angkor Wat is located) - Phnom Penh - Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City) - Nha Trang (fabulous azure blue beaches and islands) - Hoi An - Hue (where I am now) - Hanoi (the last stop before heading back home).

I thought somewhere close to a month was long enough, but most Mat Salleh backpackers we cross path with backpack months, some up to a year. That taught me one thing because in our Asian upbringing, we dare not venture into the unknown for the fear of this and that... Personally, I was worried about a lot of things - like safety.. worried about Thai bombings, bomohs, the list just go on and on. The moment I decided for this trip, I have well understood the risks and did a lot of pre - trip research though no amount of research would seem to be enough. The desire to explore was simply overwhelming and the trip is well worth!!

Moving out

2007-05-23T02:46:00.000+08:00

It's good to be able to move out. I will have a personal bathroom, get to see Oreo and Siew Lee more often.. But I will be deprived from internet for some time

Birthday Bash

2007-04-22T17:44:00.000+08:00

This is what I did: Drove to Ikano, found my place at Starbucks and started my study marathon - from 2 - 8pm. Around 6, I was hungry and had a hotdog at Ikea. Went to Starbucks/ Borders, had my second shot of caffeine and sambung belajar. Plan to do that again some time this week. Maybe a lonely birthday, but a productive one at least. How would I have mood to celebrate when the next days my exams begin, not just one paper but two? I had pre - birthday celebrations though.

2 Weeks ago
My coursemates threw me a surprise celebration. I was surprised when the cake appeared, because who in the right mind would celebrate birthday 2 weeks in adavance? We did because we are a bunch of crazy chemists. I really appreciate their effort in the midst of preparing for exams.

A day later
Karen and Sam took me to Manhattan Fish Market for dinner after watching Meet The Robinsons. I bought Kampai for them, and gosh, Sam became the laughing stock of her dorm mates due to the redness of her face. I told it was to prepare her wedding. Coming back home, I felt like crying. It's a week 14 thing. It's not just week 14, but week 14 of the final semester. We've just started bonding with each other, but now we have come to an end of our uni life. I miss them lots.

Last Tuesday
The leaders of South Zone celebrated Angel's and my birthday with a cake. They gave me a very nice top. I love it. Apparently it was chosen by pastor.

Last Saturday
Family dinner at SS2. Bro asked me if I like a gift or cash for birthday. What do you say?

This Thursday
Cell group celebrated with a huge walnut cake and gave me RM 100 of Topshop shopping vouchers. Shappaholic strikes again!! (after exams OK). Sherene and Ally sang a song for me.. not gonna tell what they sang.

To those who wished and called me, I wanna say a big big thank you. Will upload pictures after exams.

Unrestrained Impulse

2007-04-12T13:58:00.000+08:00

When was the last time you had an "unrestrained impulse" to achieve something? Pat Mesiti asked in Dreamers Never Sleep. The answer is... a long long time. I remember it was STPM, I stayed at home every day and despite the gloom, disciplined myself to study with heavy eyebags and tears running on my cheeks. I was sad (I don't know why I even felt sad), a heavy cloud hung over me, yet I committed to daily devotion every single morning and never missed a cell meeting. I did not allow my emotions to take over me and looked forward to the prize not yet seen. When I didn't understand a thing, I would go the extra mile to read again and again and ask someone to teach me. Things like metallic bonds were not easy to understand, to see the crystal lattice as a sea of electrons that could conduct electricity.

Pat Mesiti says, " The inner rush, the inner push, the inner drive, whatever you want to call it... it is a sense of abandonment. Abandonment to the cause, to the price, to the finish line..."

I have come to the end of uni. It's the grand finale. I wished I have kept the unrestrained impulse but there is no time for regret. It's the final battle.

Read, read and read

2007-04-04T13:36:00.000+08:00

When I was a 12 year old kid, I did something amazing which I can't figure out how I did it. I read 150 books in that year alone; Sweet Valley, Sweet Dreams, Love Stories (the title of the series), Christopher Pike's and R.L. Stine's books, which meant I completed a book in every 2 - 3 days. Sure they were easy to read, the prints were big and the books were thin (except for a couple few which were thick), but I read them in the midst of chaotic situation at home and UPSR. I lived in a world of imagination and fantasy and it could be well said that I read more than I talked.

Later on, I grew out of Sweet Valley and ventured into some other topics besides the Wakefield twins. I started reading classics (Jane Austen, Louissa Alcott, Shakespeare and Charles Dickens), biographies and autobiographies (Abraham Lincoln, Lady D, Anne Frank, etc), books on astronomy, first aid, weather (of all things!) and history. I also started reading the Bible and other Christian titles. Then I began reading law fictions (as such by John Grisham).

Today, I am no longer the avid reader I used to be. I give excuses that I can no longer afford the time and effort. The other reason being people in uni don't read (Trust me, uni students only bury themselves in heaps of academic books). John Grisham has been replaced by Medicinal Chemistry, Physical Chemistry, Fundamentals of Analytical Chemistry and journal articles. Unread books keep stacking in my collection awaiting to be discovered and opened. Ps Pat said that we have to find ways to AFFORD it because good books will feed our mind.

I don't know why I wrote this but I just suddenly realized how much reading meant to me and how did I ever lose track of the thing I loved so much. Wait till exams are over in a month time and I'm gonna read, read and read in the cool breeze of Genting Highlands with a cuppa hot Cappucino in my hand.

Troubled Sleep

2007-04-03T03:21:00.000+08:00

It is the time of the year again that I am losing my sleep due to imsomnia. It's a sign that exams are coming soon. And when I tell people how serious it is, no one seems to believe me. I tried milk with honey, I tried push up for 30 times, I tried to read an article to make me go to sleep, but all of it did not help. My body is stiff and refuse to rest, my biological clock is rigid and refuse to listen to my instruction. It's only with Nickey and his wise counsel that I slept in peace last night. How about now and every night?

Opening the floodgates of heaven - Part 2

2007-03-28T15:47:00.001+08:00

Today I'm going to continue what Ps Pat shared on the first night of the meetings. So here it goes:

Ps Pat began by saying, "God's name is El - Shaddai, which means the God of Plenty and not El - Cheapo." The whole crowd broke into laughter. Funny as it may be, Ps Pat has already spoken a biblical truth from his opening line. In the Parable of Talent, the man with one talent hid his talent because he was limited by his concept of God. Likewise, God is able to bless us and prosper us only if we have the right concept of Him. Ps Pat then began to lay the foundations that we needed for the next few days, and probably for the next few years of our lives as we live to fulfil our destiny.

The Test of Your Treasure

Matthew 6:21 says, "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." In Abraham's life, he gave all the time; he gave his tithes, he gave to Lot but it was not until he gave his treasure - Isaac, that God began to fulfil the covenant in his life time and thereafter.

In another passage, Luke 5:4, the fishermen let go of their catch (treasure). In exchange of that, God gave them a net - breaking and a boat - sinking catch. Many times, we tell God, "This is all I have." But God often replies by saying, "If that is all you have, that is all I'm asking for." Most of us can give something that doesn't cost us, but treasure is what costs us. Malachi 3:10 says, "...And try Me now in this..." God was merely telling us that we can try Him in our tithing, but when it comes to our treasure, God is testing us. Will you pass the test?

Living under an open heaven

God is our Father who wants to pour His favour on His people. It's a challenge for people to believe that God wants to bless us financially. Let us see the example of Joseph. From a land of famine, Joseph turned Egypt into an exporting nation. However to be able to live under an open heaven, we need to be faithful in our giving.

Gen 14:20 tells us that Abraham was the first man who tithed. After Abraham paid his tithes, God revealed Himself as "I am." Prior to that, nothing happened in Abraham's life. Tithes is not necessarily giving because it belongs to God. Tithe makes God Lord of All.

Opening the floodgates of heaven - Part 1

2007-03-27T00:18:00.000+08:00

Ps Pat Mesiti is really my favourite speaker of all times. I remember the last time he came, it was mid December and I was working at a contractor's firm. One of the nights, my boss asked me to stay back to rush for a tender. So I worked until about 8.30 and my boss sent my straight to church (My colleagues told me it was the first time our boss sent any worker back, anyway that is besides the point). I reached the church lobby at 9 and it was way to late for me to enter the hall, so I sat there listening to Pastor Pat preach. Even with only the screen, I felt Ps Pat speaking right to my heart. He said, "Mistake is not who you are but what you do." That was enough it make me cry because all my life, I felt like a mistake. I believed God used Ps Pat because his pronouncement healed the brokenness all along.

3 months and yonder

Ps Pat is back again!!! I told myself that this time I can't afford to miss any of the sessions. Each session, Ps Pat has different ways to convey his life changing messages with his jokes and illustrations.

Ps Pat quipped, "A DREAM from your heart without a PLAN in your head and SEED in your hand will never turn into reality."

In Gen 41, after Joseph interpreted Pharoah's dreams, he had a PLAN. And that plan is to save up 20% of the crops in the 7 years of plenty to compensate for the 7 years of famine. Guess what, that 20% became a 100%!! Ps Pat teaches us to sow in the time of famine because our seed will never look like harvest. We have to see the potential behind the seed. So with that, when it was time to give our offerings, Ps Pat did something extraordinary: he asked every individual to write our dreams into the offering envelope.

So I began, a tear or two swelled up, it suddenly came upon me that my greatest dream at this point of time is to see someone change. There is so much talents and gifts deposited inside him, but yet they are not used to its potential. It hurt me so much to see the way he is, yet I can't do anything to it. What is impossible in the eyes of men, it is possible with God. Ps Pat said that our results after sowing the seed may not be instant, but we will surely reap a harvest.

I looked behind me and there stood a person, a childhood friend, someone so close to my heart. At one point of her life, things were so tough for her that she stopped going to church. When she started coming to City Harvest, I found it hard to talk to her because she didn't open up to me (due to the complexity of our relationship). I felt burden in my heart to pray for her. Nevertheless, she came to church every week. Change comes in progression as I see her faithfully joining cell group now. Though I don't understand why other cells manage to reach out to her but not me, I am overjoyed. Yes so prayer does move the hand of God.. If it can happen to her, it can happen to my dear friend.

I love this

2007-03-25T17:37:00.000+08:00

I have a thing with dresses, I just love them but can't have them. Sad isn't it? I'd love to have the dress above (in btiter chocolate - brown) from Gap, it's USD 69.50. Ouch!!!

I'm bored stiff. I wanna chill at Starbucks!

Quotes from Pursuit of Happyness

2007-03-18T00:41:00.000+08:00

"If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead to anywhere."

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."

George Bernard Shaw

"Don't ever let somebody tell you you can't do something... You got a dream, you gotta protect it... If you want something, go get it. Period."

Will Smith playing Chris Gardner in Pursuit of Happyness

Lessons you learn at university

2007-03-15T13:25:00.000+08:00

Last Sunday, Pastor taught that one of the City Harvest culture is working hard, and the other being excellent in their work, studies and service for God. The whole of these three years, I have tried to embrace all of these. It is not easy because by nature, human beings tend to be lazy. The second law of thermodynamics holds true, which is also known as the law of entropy; that the world is going in the direction of chaos. So to say, if you leave a place untouched for half a year, dusts will gather on every corner of the place, or by just doing nothing, your room gets messed up in no time. On the contrary, the energy profile that needs to be overcome to clean the room is so much greater than messing it.

Alright, that is enough of physics here. Time passes so quickly that I have come to the end of my undergraduate life. In one more month, I will be called a degree holder. So here I just wanna give salutations (that is how Charlotte in Charlotte's Web put it) to my beloved uni, the prestigious UM and the things that I learnt here.

1. Life is about consistency
Term system is irrefutably different from semester system. For STPM, one can start painstaking hard work months prior to the exams and still manage to bag a few A's. It didn't matter how one did during the school tests, because ultimately people only bothered to look at the STPM results.

In uni, the senario is quite different. It is really about consistency. Every test, every assignment would eventually affect your overall grade, the CGPA. One has to work hard through out the whole semester, in fact the whole of 3 years. There is no time for slack!

2. Reality of Stress
Let's face the fact. For more than once we comfort ourvelves by saying that after this assignment, we will be able to take a rest. The truth is, the assignments will keep coming in and there is no end to it. There will be times where you can't sleep because you are worried sick about the 4 tests the next day. There are also times that you will be deprived of sleep for the whole week that at the end of the week you almost drop dead. That is part and parcel of uni and the antidote is balance.

3. Doing things fast
Like Chris Gardner, I learn to do things fast.

4. Reality of Failure
I never fully comprehend what failure is before coming to uni, specifically academic failure. I was accustomed to people's uproar and applause.. all of it until I came to university. I understood how to be quiet on the day the results came out. Recently, I asked someone who had just received her SPM results how she did. I greeted her and asked her politely, I was sure she heard me, but she pretended not to hear me. That was plain rude and showed her immaturity in handling failure. Maybe she did badly but it didn't give her the right to be rude. At university, I learn to receive bad results with open heart, and may even joke about it. In my heart, I set my heart to move on and do well the next time. There is nothing that you can undo about the past.

Have you ever failed despite trying hard? My coursemates have this assumption that I am hardworking and would take an extra mile to do the things that people won't do; binding my notes, buying books (instead of photocopy), and buying the best stationaries. Naturally, they would expect me to do well in exams. Unfortunately, sometimes I do not. I have failed their expectations. And worst, I have failed my own expectations.

People say, success is trying again and again without losing heart. If you have never slept at a public toilet like Chris Gardner did, you have never stooped low enough. If Chris Gardner could one day own a multi - million stake company when he began as a failed salesman, you and I too could be someone great.

Martin Luther King Jr said, "Not everyone can be famous, but everyone can be great."

What is the phase of your life right now?

It could be being stupid. It could be struggles. It could be a state of confusion and complexity. If you do not give up, one day it could be happYness.

6 Weird Facts About Me

2007-03-14T19:47:00.000+08:00

I've been tagged by Siew Lee to do this... So here it goes:

6 Weird Facts About Me

1. I like to bite ice cubes
I know it's not good for my teeth but I can't break from this habit. Ice cubes to me are like cigarette to some people. I'm just addicted. Some how ice cubes taste good.

2. I cover my face with pillow when I sleep
If you ask me whether I get suffocated, I don't. Hopefully I won't. It got started when I shifted to Sri Sentosa. My previous room was dark and nice to sleep in, but my current room seems too bright to sleep in. So I use a pillow to cover my face to shun the light.

3. I am in love with a dog
I am willing to do anything for Oreo. When Oreo is in my house, I would tell my friends that I can't go out... because I have Oreo to attend to. I like to talk to Oreo even though he won't reply me, but perhaps he understands me.

4. I am a mamak fanatic
As kids, my brother and I would eagerly follow my dad to mamak every day. But now it is just me and Dad. I would feel uneasy if I do not get to go to mamak with my Dad. It's a time I get to chill out with Dad and we would just talk about every thing under the sun. At other times, Dad and I won't even say a word - we just sip our teh tariks.

5. I take off my clothes when I sleep
I can't remember doing that but when I wake up, I find myself without clothes. Err... scary. It was probably because the night was hot. Thank goodness that doesn't happen often.

6. I can't think now...

People I want to tag: whom ever reads my blog!! And do inform me if you do..

My hunny bunny Oreo

2007-02-20T01:17:00.001+08:00

I remember paying tribute to friends who came in big and long ways. I missed my hunny bunny Oreo out! Oreo is really my happy pie. I can never be too sad with Oreo around. One day, I felt so sad and I cried. Then Stephanie came to my house with a brown box. I was not expecting anything, but when I opened the box, all the darkness in the sky seemed to fade away. Shy and sheepish two month old white with some hints of dark brown fur Shih Tzu emerged from that box. It's 6 yrs ago and there was no turning back. Even though Oreo no longer has that dark brown fur, I still adore him. I don't tell him much things, but he seems to know what I am going through. I awaited each weekend to be able to see Oreo. Even though I can't do that anymore, I am so excited to shift to my new house where I can look and play with Oreo every weekend again. I love my hunny bunny Oreo.